Every Sigh Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Imagine if The Muppets made a metal band. And not like the type of “metal” that your brother-in-law likes. Good metal. METAL metal. And when we say “The Muppets,” we’re not talking about the cute ones that teach you about spelling. We’re talking about the monsters, who might be cute, but are also super scary. And also teach you about spelling. You know: Sweetums. Gorgon Heap. Thudge McGerk. Scary-ass Muppets. In a metal band. Are you imagining that band? Great. That’s Sigh. And if you think that’s anything less than the highest compliment we can give at Hard Times, you need to take a step back and think about what site you’re on. Sigh is a Japanese band that at times would’ve been considered Black Metal, but in the end really are so much more. Dipping their toes in everything from Power Metal, to Prog, to Jazz, to genuinely whatever the fuck they feel like, this is a band that demands your attention. With production that keeps you guessing as much as the actual songs do, this band has been putting out banger after banger for over 30 years. And believe us when we say: when you listen to Sigh, you may not like it, but you sure as shit won’t be bored.

12. Scorn Defeat (1993)

Sigh’s first full-length is neither garbage nor killer. It’s fine. It has glimpses of some of the energy that would make the band so much fun and the following decades. But it never really blows your butt off. That said it’s still waaaaay more interesting than 90% of similar music that came out around that time. Leaning heavily into black metal production, it’s a solid listen, but definitely not what you wanna start with. But it’s the pacing of the album that really works. Right when things feel like they’re dragging just a bit, the mid-album dungeon-synthy “Gundali” pulls you right back in.

Play it again: “Gundali,” “The Knell,” and “A Victory of Dakini”
Skip it: “Taste Defeat” is a fine song, but if you’re gonna end an album with an 8-minute track, it’s gotta keep our attention more than this

11. Heir to Despair (2018)

For a band that never plays it safe, this album feels about as close to playing it safe as they get. And that’s not to say this album doesn’t get weird. But for a band that lives in the weird, this album is just a little middle of the road. But when you’re a killer metal band, the middle of the road is still better than most everyone else. For instance, the flute playing along with the riff in the middle of “Hunters Not Horned” still absolutely wrecks. And certainly, they try to get out there with 3 electronic “Heresy” tracks. But While the album is an enjoyable listen, we can’t help but wish we were listening to their stronger efforts.

Play it again: “Homo Homini Lupus”
Skip it: honestly “Alethia” might be Sigh’s only miss as an opener. It’s not bad, but “Homo Homini Lupus” is right after and we find ourselves skipping right to it.

10. Infidel Art (1995)

There’s an epic quality to “Infidel Art” that really pushes past the lower albums on this list. If we’re being honest, this is one of the only Sigh albums that doesn’t make us laugh. And that’s not bad either way. But the feel of the album is somehow more serious. It’s still very much Sigh, but it almost feels like they were asked to make an album to accompany an epic film. So instead of leaning into wackiness, they lean into making every track just super epic. The opener “Izuna” has an almost rock-opera feel, and at 8:16 it practically is. The highlight of the album is “The Zombie Terror” a track that clocks in at 9:42. And almost every one of the 6 tracks on this 50-minute album is long. But it adds to the epic feel of the whole thing.

Play it again: “The Zombie Terror”
Skip it: At only 4:45, “Suicidogenic” didn’t get the memo that this album is all epically long tracks. Read your fucking email, “Suicidogenic”!

9. Hail Horror Hail (1997)

Much of this album is straightforward forward ‘90s epic blackish/fantasy metal, which means no complaints from us. But honestly, there is one reason this album beats out the three previously listed: “Invitation to Die.” This song is perfect. It’s like a grim beatnik Muppet song on a Zelda soundtrack. Seriously. The vocals are bordering rapping at a few points. And then there’s a baby crying. I don’t even know what else to say.

Play it again: “Invitation to Die”
Skip it: I mean, the other songs are fine, but this album could’ve just been “Invitation to Die” nine times in a row.

8. Scenario IV: Dread Dreams (1999)

While it’s hard to believe Sigh was doing what they were doing in the ‘90s, this album in particular kinda blows our minds. At 25 years old this year, Sigh could release this album and it would still feel as fresh. With an opener that includes horns and handclaps (and I think Tamborine?) “Scenario IV: Dread Dreams” is the bands first real dabble in the weird. While their previous records had experimental stuff, this one has the feeling of the band trying some stuff they’ve always wanted to try. And while they never quite let loose on this album to the extent they do on their acclaimed follow-up “Imaginary Sonicsscape,” you can see why people really started paying attention with this album. Sometimes it’s easy to look at where a band ends up and then look at the older stuff and think “meh.” But in the context of this band, this album is immensely pivotal. In other words, “Scenario IV: Dread Dreams” walked to so “Imaginary Sonicsscape” could run.

Play it again: “Diabolic Suicide” and “Severed Ways”
Skip it: “Black Curse” has some awesome parts but is waaaay too long and “Waltz Dread Dreams” is filler

7. Gallows Gallery (2005)

Sometimes referred to as Sigh’s “power metal” album, this album contains primarily clean vocals. This bothers people who are shitheads. Everyone else can see this album rules. Because with Sigh, clean vocals aren’t clean vocals. This album still doesn’t sound like any other band. And because of the clean vocals, it doesn’t sound like any other Sigh album. And believe me, when you’re listening to all their albums for, oh I don’t know off the top of my head, a ranking list for Hard Times, Sigh changing things up is genuinely exciting. This album is also noted for Century Media refusing to release it due to Sigh apparently using some sonic weaponry developed during WW2 in the recording. We’ve listened to the album many times, and other than our teeth falling out, hair turning around and growing back into our bodies, and night terrors that cause us to go hoarse, we think Century Media were just being babies about it.

Play it again: “In a Drowse,” “Gavotte Grim,” and “Pale Monument”
Skip it: “-“ and “The Tranquilizer Song (David Harrow mix)”

6. In Somophobia (2012)

The only really negative about “In Somophobia” is that it followed the superior “Scenes From Hell.” And so as is the case with the great albums that follow absolute classics, this one can kinda disappear from memory. But it shouldn’t because it’s an immensely fun album. The borderline doo-wop groove of “Amnesia” should be close to the top of Sigh’s list of things that shouldn’t work, but just do. This is actually a decent album to start with if you’ve never listened to Sigh before. It’s weird, it’s fun, but there is plenty of straightforward metal if you’re too much a baby. And the weird cover art is also a plus.

Play it again: “Amnesia” and “L’excommunication A Minuit”
Skip it: “Opening Theme: Lucid Nightmare” and “Ending Theme: Continuum” are just interludes and as the saying goes: “if your album has interludes, I will not listen to those interludes.”

5. Hangman’s Hymn (2007)

This is a favorite for many and it totally makes sense. The opening track busts in with a thrashy section with horns and then kicks into a half-time, borderline nu-metal slam part. The track then transitions to rain sounds and a “Midian”-era Cradle of Filth theatrics.The band is once again letting us know that they will melt our faces off with their metal, and they will do it however they damn well please. Putting down some of the jazzier elements of other albums, the band seems to fully embrace classical music and dare I say musical theater as an inspiration. And while that’s not anything new in metal, with Sigh they do it their own way.

Play it again: “Introitus/Kyrie,” “Me-Devil,” and “Hangman’s Hymn/ In Paradisum Das Ende”
Skip it: “Death With Dishonor” is a fine song, but compared to the rest of the album its pretty middle of the road.

4. Graveward (2015)

Something that stands out about “Graveward” is the production. Among Sigh’s more recent albums, they seem to have leaned towards slightly more traditional production. This worked for some (“Shiki” and “In Somophobia”) and not so much for others (“Heir to Despair”). But for whatever reason, on “Graveward” the band decided to return to their signature “what the fuck is going on” production. And it does not disappoint. If we didn’t think Sigh were geniuses, it’d almost seem like the levels were picked at random. But there ain’t shit random about Sigh. Or maybe it is random? Whatever. We don’t care. Also, not every song has bizarre production. But even the songs that seem to be relatively tame (for Sigh) all of a sudden have a guitar solo bust in at levels that the asshole guitar player in your band would kill to have. Maybe don’t play this album for them. This one is just for us.

Play it again: “The Tombfiller” and “Molesters of My Soul”
Skip it: “A Message From Tomorrow” isn’t bad but just kinda drags at that point in the album

3. Shiki (2022)

“Shiki” is, as of this writing, Sigh’s most recent effort. Much like the record preceding this one (“Heir to Despair”) the outright weirdness seems to be turned out just a smidge. And yet, unlike the previous album, it seems like here it’s been turned down to show that Sigh is, in fact, fucking metal. Just… just so metal. Ignoring a 15-second opening track of a chant (which honestly should’ve just been attached to track 2) the real opener is “Kuroi Kage.” We are not lying to you when we say that the riff in this song is the dirtiest, deepest, lip-snarling riff that Sigh has ever written. It’s just stanky. And then the vocals just add to the evil Muppet idea. This might be the most re-listenable Sigh song of all time. Later in the song, it has a chill, dark sax moment that just fits so well, it makes me think Sigh should be president. Thankfully the album doesn’t drop off with quality after this track. One noticeable difference with the album is the production. Instead of leaning into weird production choices, the band seemed to say “what if instead of being weird, we just showed everyone that we’re one of the best metal bands doing it, and have been since the ‘90s?” Everything thumps. This shit is as loud, heavy and varied as a Chipotle dump.

Play it again: “Kuroi Kage” over and over.
Skip it: “Touji No Asa” is a boring way to end an otherwise ass-slap of an album.

2. Imaginary Sonicscape (2001)

This is the album that made the metal world pay attention to Sigh. For a lot of folks this is number one and it makes sense why. The opening riff of “Corpsecry -Angelfall” starts off in a pumping, if typical fashion. But then just for a few measures ‘80s keys kick in and gives you the first glimpse that this is not your father’s metal band. Probably because your father’s metal band is the Doobie Brothers. But if your dad actually does like the Doobies, he honestly might be into some of the borderline nostalgic feels on this album, like “A Sunset Song.” Then there’s the head-bangy, synthy opening to “Scarlet Dream” which immediately pulls you in and asks “What if the theme for every cartoon from the ‘80s kicked ass even more?” Then “Nietzschean Conspiracy” just does a full 180 on us, and asks “What if Bohren & der Club of Gore made a song entirely on a Casio?” What we’re saying is that this album asks and then answers a lot of questions. While at times not as heavy as other releases, Imaginary Sonicscape is a true classic and there’s just nothing like it. Literally nothing. Lots of people compare Sigh to Mr Bungle, and while Bungle is influential, there’s just no comparison, and this album is the perfect example of why. While Bungle sometimes feels like they’re being weird for weird sake, Sigh feels like they are just doing what they do. Nothing is put on. Nothing is forced. They are making the music they want. It just happens to be really fucking weird.

Play it again: “A Sunset Song,” “Corpsecry -Angelfall,” and “Nietzschean Conspiracy”
Skip it: honestly, no skips

1. Scenes from Hell (2010)

Everyone thinks “The Muppets Take Manhattan” is the best classic Muppet movie. But they’re wrong. It’s “The Great Muppet Caper.” Everyone thinks “Imaginary Sonicscape” is the best Sigh album. But they’re wrong. Because just like “The Great Muppet Caper,” “Scenes from Hell” takes everything you like about the Muppets/Sigh and turns it to 11. To us, this album is the pinnacle of everything Sigh is trying to do in music. It’s weird. It’s scary. But it’s also an absolute destroyer of a metal album. If you want a real experience, put on headphones and just listen to this fucking album. But you won’t. And that’s the difference between us, and I can’t take it anymore. This relationship just isn’t working out, and I think we should see other people.

Play it again: “The Summer Funeral,” “Prelude to an Oracle,” and “The Soul Grave”
Skip it: How dare you.

Top 20 Pavement Songs Guaranteed to Impress A Disinterested Barista

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

Has every local coffee shop banned you for talking too much about Pavement? Good news, there’s a new cafe opening up in a nearby neighborhood! Stroll into Das Java, the minimalist cafe brewing up strong blends, with plenty of baristas ready to hear your meandering takes on music. Time to recommend some songs by everyone’s favorite band from Stockton! (Listen along to the playlist)

“Date w/IKEA”

Slide into the joint with this tune blasting in your ears. You are definitely the main character here, grooving to Pavement’s fourth album “Brighten the Corners,” naturally. Walk in with a knowing smile, and wait in line with your sunglasses on as you scan the room. Perfect, it’s afternoon staff, which includes that one cute barista who looks like she wants to actually kill you.

“In the Mouth A Desert”

Let this play aloud from your phone and get odd looks as people realize just how cool you are. “They’re called Pavement. This is their earlier stuff, the Gary Young era” you say, to no one in particular. There is a child in line ahead of you, perfect to indoctrinate the youth early when it comes to essential ‘90s indie bands.

“Elevate Me Later”

Before you order, you ask the barista, “That’s so funny, were you just playing the album ‘Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain’?” You know they weren’t, it’s been Norah Jones for hours. Perhaps days. The barista can barely hear you over the noise. You ask again, but she just asks for your order. That’s OK. Plenty of time to dive into the brilliance of Pavement while you’re here.

“AT&T”

You ask the barista casually, “So who is your cellphone carrier? ‘Cause Pavement has this one song called ‘AT&T’ and—” She says “What the actual fuck are you talking about?” This isn’t going well. Good thing you brought a vinyl of their third album Wowee Zowee into the coffeeshop. Show her the liner notes. Maybe this will help clear up any questions.

“Here”

You ask if they take song requests. The barista says, “Maybe. You can email the manager. What was your order, again?” Get the manager’s email, and ask them to play this laidback tune for customers. Folks visiting or working can vibe out in a laid-back way, plus you’ve learned that reaching for aux cords, reaching over counters or touching iPads playing Spotify doesn’t go over well if you’re not an employee.

“Flux = Rad”

You begin tapping your toes, this song running through your head. You ask for your usual order, an extra-large cold brew with five shots of caffeine. She asks, “Are you sure?” and you just lean on the counter like a rockstar. Wear your glasses, maybe even light a cigarette before she asks you to quickly “put that shit out.”

“Cut Your Hair”

The timing is insane: this song suddenly comes on the speakers, just as you go to pay. “This is actually one of their bigger hits!” you say. “Yeah, this plays like every other fucking day on this one big playlist we have,” the barista says. As you nod knowingly, begin to gaze into her eyes. Is there a connection? No, she looks mad. Maybe stop singing along to the song, it sounds like you’re actually telling her to cut her hair.

“Shady Lane”

Pro-tip: baristas love it when questions are repeated like “Where is my coffee?” or “How long is this going to take?” Which is why you should ask once again if they take song requests. Ask if she can play this song, maybe hint that there could be a cute little date in the future, down a similar “shady lane,” not to make any assumptions. You realize how creepy that sounds out loud. The barista aggressively asks for you to “just pay,” people in line behind you angrily cough. Don’t they know how important this moment is for you? They can wait!

“You Are a Light”

From their final studio album “Terror Twilight,” this Pavement song also works as a compliment! After tapping your credit card to pay, make meaningless small talk about how amazing technology is before looking the barista directly in the eye and saying “You are a light.” She will show appreciation with an alarmed “…OK?” and by talking to the next customer. Be careful how you deliver this one, it could sound like you’re recruiting for a cult.

“Texas Never Whispers”

As you end the purchase, whisper “Thank you,” along with a few other obscure sentences and a haphazard wink. As she talks to other customers, ask “Is that a Texas accent I hear?” When she quickly says “No, and please wait over there for your order,”you suddenly realize that you might want some coffee-cake. You walk back into line and watch her let out a deep sigh from fathoms unknown.

“Silence Kid”

You can take a hint. She wants you to shut up for a while, which is why you just peruse the pastries and leaf through the chips. Sing this song to yourself while tapping your fingers at the pickup counter. Talk to other people waiting, make friends, ask them about the gospel according to Stephen Malkmus: Pavement is all about bringing people together.

“Type Slowly”

This song title is a reference for using your Notes app while looking around the coffeehouse. Take copious notes about the patrons so that you’ll be able to gossip later with the barista. Think of all the inside jokes you’ll have, even write down a few punchlines – I’m sure the staff will love your unsolicited standup comedy and hot takes.

“Grave Architecture”

When the barista isn’t busy, ask her about the history of the building. “I don’t fucking know, dude,” she replies. “Huh, interesting. I’m thinking 1950s,” you guess. You’d look it up on your phone, but you’re almost out of battery and this cafe purposefully doesn’t have public plugs. Another complaint to bring up to your favorite barista! Pro-tip: tell her how much she looks like bassist Mark Ibold, that will really get her attention.

“Summer Babe – Winter Version”

Complaining about the temperature is yet another way to talk to a disinterested barista. “Any chance of turning up the temperature? It’s getting nippy,” you say. The barista replies, “Don’t ever say the word ‘nippy’ to me again, and we’re not allowed to touch the thermostat, it’s all automated.” You use this as a pivot to converse about climate change or how Pavement’s first album “Slanted and Enchanted” will be interpreted in the future.

“Starlings of the Slipstream”

Share some of your impromptu poetry with the cafe staff. Let this song inspire a free-verse slam poetry reading. When an older member of staff mentions that there’s no “TikTok stuff or performance art bullshit allowed in here,” you quickly apologize before pulling a flower from your coat pocket. Also name drop band member Bob Nastanovich, that might get you a few more minutes to read your verses.

“Unfair”

Your cold brew order is called up and suddenly it’s all over. The staff is waiting for you to leave. You briskly approach the barista and ask “So, what do you think of Pavement? How about that Scott Kannberg guitar sound?” She replies, “Dude I like them, yeah… did you want anything else? Customers are waiting.” Seeing how busy she is, quickly write out a killer Pavement playlist on a napkin in squiggly Sharpie.

“Spit on a Stranger”

You sense overall hostility and begin to sense customers unhappy with your continued presence. The barista is incredibly busy. So instead, you wait, singing this song, loudly. Bang on the napkin dispensers like drummer Steve West. People watch, trying to avoid eye contact. Don’t keep it up too long, you don’t want another lifetime ban from a local restaurant!

“Gold Soundz”

You listen to this song in your headphones and give a thumbs-up to the displeased staff. As you chug your cold brew, you feel the caffeine course through your veins, a river of excitement and ideas. How fortunate that the world gets to hear about your Technicolor experience. This too shall one day be nostalgia, be a memory replayed. Those sitting beside uncomfortably shift from the strange noises you excitedly grunt out. That’s just what Pavement does to you!

“Stereo”

Go out with a banger. Write this song request on a cardboard coffee sleeve and toss it over the counter to your favorite barista. When she goes, “What the fuck, dude?” just wink and say “Read the sleeve!” Even if the staff threatens to get the manager out or call the cops, you’ll stop at nothing to make Pavement song recommendations in this café. As you are locked out, you realize how hilarious it is that you never even got that barista’s name. Funny – how precious, fleeting and brief life is, much like the output of a certain band you love.

“Black Out”

Damn. So you’ve been banned from another coffee shop for pushing Pavement on the entire staff. What’s happened to this city? This city used to have a scene, man. Time to go home and chug that 12-pack of Coors. No better way to spend a Friday night rocking out to Pavement alone while dancing naked next to windows inside brightly-lit rooms at night! Damn the complaints, tonight you are an indie rock god.

Take this playlist and make that barista fall in love:

Neil deGrasse Tyson Gets Into God Debate With Terminally Ill Child in Make-A-Wish Gone Awry

Posted on by Ian Steffé

NEW YORK — Nine-year-old Oliver Cahill, who has battled rare brain cancer for over half his life, recently met Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson thanks to the Make-a-Wish Foundation, confirmed multiple sources who wish the subject of a creator never came up.

“I was telling Oliver all about the Big Bang and the evolution of life and he asked me how God plays into all of this,” recounted Dr. Tyson. “I laughed at first because that is one of the dumbest questions a kid has ever asked me. We confront paradoxes that have puzzled humanity for millennia. One such involves reconciling the concept of an all-powerful and benevolent deity with the existence of suffering. I said ‘Oliver, if God exists why are you in pain all the time? This must be a punishment, and you must have done something really bad.’ It was around that time his father looked like he was about to punch me, but cooler heads prevailed.”

“I mean come on, either God doesn’t care, or can’t do much. I mean Oliver had NO empirical evidence to prove God is real,” Tyson added.

Oliver’s father, Roger Cahill, was horrified by the experience.

“He called my son a ‘Philistine.’ And then I swear he mumbled something about how it’s ‘Always the dumb ones.’ Then peppered Oliver with this Christopher Hitchens shit, and made him watch 90-minutes of Stephen Hawking videos,” said Cahill. “Even the nurses tried to pull him away because Oliver is prone to migraines. It took us like two hours to get him out of the room. He did autograph a Blu-Ray copy of ‘Cosmos’ though, maybe I’ll be able to sell that for a few bucks in four months.”

This is not the first controversy for Make-A-Wish who remain defiant in the face of widespread criticism.

“At Make-A-Wish, we celebrate diverse interests and strive to fulfill the unique wishes of every child. We’ve broadened our horizons by inviting guests like Werner Herzog, Noam Chomsky, and Bill Maher, offering experiences that inspire wish recipients to engage with the world as it is,” said an official spokesperson. “While our guests may not be perfect, we believe they contribute valuable perspectives. Admittedly, Werner’s presentation included some challenging audio clips from ‘Grizzly Man,’ and Bill’s discussion veered off-topic towards Islamophobia but despite these hiccups, we remain committed to providing enriching experiences for the children we serve.”

Dr. Tyson, meanwhile, remains proud of the experience and hopes for more in the future. “Honestly, I thought it went great. It was just another win for science,” he chuckled.

How I Became a Homeowner by Dying and Haunting the Property

Posted on by Dom Turek

With average housing prices hovering around the half-million dollar mark, I knew I’d never be a homeowner in my lifetime, and I was right.

Decades of jaywalking finally caught up to me and I bit the big one a few months back. If only someone had told me sooner how much my life would improve after dying, I would’ve meandered into traffic wearing nothing but a blindfold years ago, but as it’s been said, you don’t know what you don’t know.

Thanks to the extreme personal suffering and seething resentment I experienced during my lifetime, I was not so much “laid to rest” as I was “trapped for eternity” in the apartment unit I’d been renting up until my death, thus making me proprietor over the estate by laws far outranking those of man.

Contrary to what I’d expected, you actually do meet an all-knowing entity shrouded in a pleasant yet blinding white light when you die. The mysterious figure even gives you a choice between accepting death or receiving one more chance at life, but with my mountain of credit card debt, dead-end relationship, and soul-sucking 9-5 job, I chose the far less depressing option and decided to remain dead.

Unfortunately, not everyone is pleased with my decision to take up space in two realms. The new leaseholders of my apartment are constantly pleading with me to “go somewhere else” and “make peace with my time on earth” but why would I take advice from a renter? Maybe if they’d applied themselves a little more they could be living in a haunted house instead of a haunted apartment unit.

In an effort to reclaim my home completely, I’ve been ramping up the supernatural activity, but nothing seems to work. I’ve tried the classics, like turning on the faucets in the middle of the night and stacking all their chairs into a pyramid, as well as more nuanced methods like hiding their Tupperware lids and changing their wifi password, but it turns out anything short of demonic possession won’t force someone into giving up a rent-stabilized apartment.

Struggling Book Publishing Industry Pressures God to Write Third Bible

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Executives from The Big Five book publishers launched a coordinated effort to boost sales by pressuring the universe’s creator, and once prominent author, to write a third installment of the Bible, sources confirmed.

“It’s no secret that the publishing industry has seen better days. With e-readers and audiobooks growing in popularity, we’ve seen a steady decline in sales of physical media,” said HarperCollins CEO Brian Murray. “We decided it was finally time to reach out to God and make an offer. I’ll be honest, they were pretty upset when we contacted them. So much so that they caused an earthquake in New York. Eventually cooler heads prevailed when we pitched them on ‘The Newest Testament’ which will pick up right where the New Testament ends. It’s been 2,000 years, Jesus must be up in heaven with some new wisdom, let’s get that in a book and on shelves in Barnes and Noble by Christmas, people will flip for it.”

Christians around the globe were excited about the prospect of a new Bible.

“I’ll be honest, I could never really get into God’s earlier work. It’s all translated from a dead language, and I just want something a bit more digestible. Don’t get me wrong, I love the message, but I could do without all the foreskin talk and maybe skip the rape stuff as well. Also, if God could write this next Bible in modern English that would be a huge relief,” said Gloria Emmers. “I’d really like to know what God thinks of current American politics, which races and ethnicities I’m currently allowed to dislike as a Christian, and maybe if any more plagues are coming.”

Formerly proficient writer George RR Martin says executives also contacted him about finishing “The Winds of Winter.”

“These suits think that writing is easy. Did you know it took God nearly four billion years to write the Old Testament? It’s true, and it’s because God was busy creating a world, which is exactly what I’m doing on a day-to-day basis, so it’s insulting when people call me lazy for taking ten years,” said Martin from his New Mexico home. “This isn’t easy. If you want everything rushed, and a bunch of bad ideas slapped together then just go watch the final season of ‘Game of Thrones’ and tell me how much you loved that. Quit sending me letters, I’m sick of it.”

Representatives for God say the all powerful deity is mulling over options about the new book, but is excited to announce they are releasing a new limited podcast breaking down the movies of the “Fast and Furious” franchise.

Facebook Launches “Most Powerful Profile Picture Filter Yet” in Support of Ukraine Against Russian Invasion

Posted on by Ian Steffé

MENLO PARK, Calif — Facebook parent company Meta launched what it describes as its “most powerful Facebook profile picture filter yet” in a bid to support Ukraine amidst the ongoing Russian invasion, confirmed multiple soon-to-be-laid-off employees.

“With the tide of the ongoing war in Ukraine sadly going in Russia’s favor, we feel like our previous efforts needed an overhaul,” said Meta spokesman Andy Stone. “With this filter, we have some features never seen before in a socially conscious profile picture. Right off the bat, we made the blues and yellows much deeper on the flag. That’s not nothing. I mean these are VERY blue and yellow. Then, we’ve added a QR code to every profile that utilizes the filter that will lead you to a YouTube tutorial on how to properly pronounce ‘Volodomyr Zelesnkyy.’

“Then there’s the robust artificial intelligence we’ve programmed. With an upload of their likeness, the user can be posed in solidarity with 15 pop culture options that include ‘Paw Patrol,’ the Minions from ‘Despicable Me,’ and the cast of History Channel’s ‘Pawn Stars,’ all reflecting somber reflection in the face of the brutality of war,” Stone added.

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer admits he was moved by Meta’s commitment to the people of Ukraine.

“This is really inspiring, I immediately changed my profile photo so I could show my support for the brave men and women fighting on the frontlines,” said Senator Schumer. “Further, this is one of the only times I’ve seen support from both sides of the aisle for this initiative. It’s also the largest aid package the United States can offer Ukraine right now, and we feel confident in its efficacy. I mean it’s the least we could do. The very least.”

Dr. Oleksandar Archaki, administrator of City Hospital No .1 in Kyiv reacted strongly to the filter.

“I’m sorry, the fuck did you say? A facebook filter? This is what we were told we should be patient for? I’ve got one nurse per 50 patient beds. A lot of us are on our third or fourth day without sleep working around the clock.” Dr. Archaki yelled, clutching a cigarette with an inch long ash. “No but seriously, thank you. Our people will be so relieved. Maybe we can print out one of your AI pictures of you assholes and Dr. Frasier Crane and eat that when our food supplies run out.”

As of press time, Meta promised this was just the beginning, a special edition of Beat Saber honoring Palestine and soundtracked by a remix of Aaron Bushnell’s last recorded words is set to be released later in the week.

9 Hidden Clues That Prove the Real John Lennon Died in 1980

Posted on by Dan Rice

When the actor who replaced Paul McCartney after his death in 1966 announced there would be a new Beatles song in 2023 fans were understandably ecstatic. They were the most popular band in the world when they broke up in 1970, and a reunion seemed long overdue. The enthusiasm was short-lived, however, as the reveal that John Lennon’s vocals would be pulled from a previously discarded recording with AI led to a resurgence of a popular and sinister conspiracy theory.

In 1980, rumors that the real John Lennon had been killed by an assassin’s bullet spread like wildfire. Through a massive PR campaign this “conspiracy” was eventually dismissed as the sort of fringe radical nonsense only someone who has seen VH1 before would ever believe, but the exclusion of a live-and-well John on The Beatles’ latest release gave new life to the theory, and a massive 2nd investigation, fuelled by the internet for the first time, began.

An annual memorial has been held in memory of John at Strawberry Fields since 1985

A curious ritual in honor of someone alive and well, don’t you think? The very word “memorial” implies that you are remembering someone because they are no longer around. It’s circumstantial, but where there’s smoke there’s fire.

Inconsistent physical appearance

Here we see The Beatles on their 2015 Norweigan cruise line tour. Fans and theorists have pointed out that Lennon’s appearance in the photo is somewhat off. The chin isn’t quite right, and given that Lennon would have been 75 in 2015, he should appear to be much older.

The Album Cover to “A Hard Day’s Night”

Once again, The Beatles use their album artwork to air their dirty laundry, this time around so blatantly it’s a wonder more people have not picked up on it. The five photos of John Lennon speak louder than words. From left to right he is clearly saying “Hey, it’s me, John Lennon,” “I would like to speak to you about a serious matter, my impending death,” “Here I am making an ‘8’ with my hands because that’s the decade I will be shot in,” “You will miss me, John Lennon, very much after I am shot in 1980” and “Maybe I’ll come back as a zombie, who knows, but first, I have to die.”

He never released a darkwave album

It seems unlikely that John Lennon would have lived to hear acts such as Cocteau Twins, Echo and the Bunnymen, and Depeche Mode without wanting to make that sound his own.

His widely publicized assassination at the hands of Mark David Chapman on December 8th, 1980

If you type “John Lennon death” into Google a plethora of physical evidence will appear including coverage by noted anchors and newspaper front pages from 1980 all claiming John Lennon had been killed. In all of our research, we did not find a single printed retraction.

He never weighed in on Barbenheimer

Everyone had a take on this thing and yet Lennon’s socials remained curiously silent. Why? Because he’s tweeting “Greta was snubbed” in heaven now, that’s why!

George Harrison won’t work with him anymore

As we saw in Peter Jackson’s “The Beatles: Get Back” documentary, the Fab Four’s working dynamic was often fraught with tension. Still, it’s suspicious that in all the time since the band’s official 1970 breakup, George Harrison and John Lennon never collaborated. Harrison has in fact taken absurd lengths to distance himself from Lennon, going so far as to fake his own death in 2001. Why? Maybe because he knows the truth, and it tears him up inside.

Yoko Ono inherited John Lennon’s estate as per his will

We consulted with legal experts, and they all confirmed that the only way a will is actionable is upon the death of its author, even if all involved parties go to town hall together in person and ask really nicely.

Hidden messages

If you play the serendipitously titled song “Happiness is a Warm Gun” backward, and at just the right speed, the line “She’s well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand like a lizard on a window pane, The man in the crowd with his multicolored mirrors on his hobnail boots, lying with his eyes while his hands are busy working over time, a soap impression of his wife that he ate and donated to the national trust” sounds an awful lot like “I, Jonathan Lennon of the famous rock band The Beatles have every intention of dying at the hands of Mark David Chapman, a crazy person who reads ‘The Catcher in the Rye.’”

VIP Tickets for “20 Years of Tears” Tour Include Exclusive Access to Leave Early to Beat the Traffic

Posted on by Bobby Korec

DAYTON, Ohio — The recently announced 20 Years of Tears tour featuring emo legends Hawthrone Heights, Thursday, and Saosin will sell VIP tickets that include exclusive access to leave early in order to beat traffic, confirmed sources.

“The target audience for this tour is people who now fall asleep at 8:30 p.m. on a Friday after drinking half of a beer, so this sort of promotion was a no-brainer move,” said tour organizer Dave Bremerton. “Exclusive access includes admission to one of several hidden tunnels that lead directly to the premium parking spots in the parking lot as well as backstage access in order to exit through the rear of the building. Tickets start at a very affordable $50, with additional Ticketmaster fees bringing it to roughly $250. It’s a small price to pay to be able to seamlessly leave halfway through because you’re feeling drowsy from the crowds now that you consider yourself more of an introvert as you get older so large groups of people really drain your internal battery.”

Fans couldn’t wait to get their hands on the VIP experience.

“The minute I heard about all of my favorite bands from two decades ago teaming up to tour, I couldn’t wait to leave the show early,” said 38-year-old Jesse McGovern before asking his wife if she’s seen his white belt anywhere. “The problem with shows nowadays is that everyone wants to leave midway through, which creates a logjam at the exits and therefore cancels out the ability to beat the traffic. These VIP tickets finally solve the issue of me not wanting to be at a show that I paid to be at as well as not wanting any obstacles on my drive home.”

Music historians believed this was only the beginning of modern tours.

“These mega tours are continuously adapting to the interests of aging showgoers,” said music journalist Jenn Holongrow. “As an example, for the current stadium tour featuring Green Day, Smashing Pumpkins, and Rancid, the back rows are surprisingly way more expensive than the front because aging fans want to be near the exits, so it’s not a whole thing when they leave early. These distant seats have been selling out first too. Front row seats can go as low as five bucks because of how loud it is and the fact no one wants to have to walk so far in order to leave.”

At press time, organizers of 20 Years of Tears announced they have sold out of VIP tickets, but still have “meet and greet” tickets available for those who want to meet a security guard that can tell them the quickest way out of the venue to the parking lot.

Man Celebrates 15 Years of Thinking of Going Sober

Posted on by Dom Turek

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Jeremy Squires is celebrating an astonishing 15 years of contemplating sobriety surrounded by friends, family, and bottomless mimosas at his favorite bar, confirmed sources who were already excited for the 20th anniversary.

“What better way to ring in a decade and a half of thinking about quitting alcohol than day drinking at O’Connelly’s Pub,” said Squires. “To wake up violently hungover at least three times a week and think ‘I am never drinking again’ for 15 years straight is a feat of self-control and willpower some of my disciplined friends can’t even relate to. I’ll admit, I was first inspired to think about going sober after waking up after a night of heavy drinking to find I’d forgotten where I’d parked my wife’s car, only to locate the vehicle several months at the bottom of a dried ravine filled with blow-up dolls and empty pizza boxes.”

Those close to Squires were more concerned than proud of this achievement.

“Having to use a portion of our only child’s college fund on a new car was a real wake-up call for the both of us,” said wife Allie Squires. “I just celebrated my 11th year of thinking of going sober, so I’m not too far behind him. We tried to do Dry January but after eight days we realized that once drinking was eliminated from the equation, we didn’t have much in common besides being Buffalo Bills fans.”

Research shows that while there are no health benefits to merely thinking about going sober, it does provide a measure of false hope to concerned friends and family members.

“Celebrating small victories is key to maintaining thinking about going sober,” said Nick Casaldi, an addiction specialist at Buena Vida detox center. “If shaming yourself worked, you’d be cured by now. You wouldn’t call someone who only smokes crack on the weekends a crackhead, or someone who only bets on sporting events a gambling addict, so why the undue judgment for alcohol consumers? I tell my clients that sobriety has nothing to do with drinking, and the ones that live to be over 47 are grateful for my unconventional attitude.”

At press time, Squires was seen buying the whole bar a round of tequila shots to celebrate three years of thinking about quitting his vape.

Hold Up There, Stud: I Actually Ordered This Pizza With No Extra Sausage

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

That’s it: I really didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to take the full Karen approach on this matter. I’ve never publicly put a restaurant on blast before, even if they’ve given me the mud-flaps the next day. Nor have I ever dreamed of taking up op-ed space to attack a business. But something really has to be said about the despicable business practices of Pinetti’s Pizza Paradise on Wilshire Blvd.

It happened like this. Yesterday evening, as I stepped out of the shower, clad in nothing but a bathrobe and my underclothes, I happened to get a knock at the door. Going downstairs, I saw a mullet-clad and mustachioed young gentleman standing outside, wearing Pinetti’s uniform and holding a greasy pizza box. His name tag said Dominic and he informed me that he was there to give me a pizza with extra sausage.

Sidenote to Pinetti’s. Provide your employees with some proper garb, please and thanks. It was freezing outside and you had him in shorts and a tank-top.

Well, needless to say I hadn’t the slightest intention of accepting said pizza. I hadn’t ordered anything. In fact, I had already set aside some leftover eggplant parmesan for dinner. And the extra sausage? Well, I am on a diet and am a strict vegetarian to boot. I don’t want extra anything. Least of all sausage.

“You don’t understand,” Dominic said, gesturing to the box, “the sausage that’s in here, it’s hot, thick and meaty.”

Yes, I’m sure it was. And that was precisely what I had hoped to avoid. Worse yet, Dominic asked if I had any method by which to pay for my pizza. The pizza I hadn’t even ordered. I could tell that he was going to be a persistent nuisance and so I quickly told him “no” and to please leave. But he persisted. “We can work out a different way for you to pay.”

By this point, I could tell that Pinetti’s clearly doesn’t take no for an answer. Obviously, they’ve created some sort of guerrilla pizza-delivery system to be thrust upon unsuspecting Jane and Joe Public. “I suppose you’d like a tip too, wouldn’t you?” I asked Dominic. To which he replied that he would actually be giving me the tip.

I can’t make sense of it. Reverse-financed, non-ordered pizza. It hardly seems professional to me. Certainly can’t be a good way to make money. So I’m calling out to each of you: Please do not order from Pinetti’s again unless they revise their business practices. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have my eggplant parmesan. Then, if all goes according to plan, go out and get proper fucked.