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Man Celebrates 15 Years of Thinking of Going Sober

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Jeremy Squires is celebrating an astonishing 15 years of contemplating sobriety surrounded by friends, family, and bottomless mimosas at his favorite bar, confirmed sources who were already excited for the 20th anniversary.

“What better way to ring in a decade and a half of thinking about quitting alcohol than day drinking at O’Connelly’s Pub,” said Squires. “To wake up violently hungover at least three times a week and think ‘I am never drinking again’ for 15 years straight is a feat of self-control and willpower some of my disciplined friends can’t even relate to. I’ll admit, I was first inspired to think about going sober after waking up after a night of heavy drinking to find I’d forgotten where I’d parked my wife’s car, only to locate the vehicle several months at the bottom of a dried ravine filled with blow-up dolls and empty pizza boxes.”

Those close to Squires were more concerned than proud of this achievement.

“Having to use a portion of our only child’s college fund on a new car was a real wake-up call for the both of us,” said wife Allie Squires. “I just celebrated my 11th year of thinking of going sober, so I’m not too far behind him. We tried to do Dry January but after eight days we realized that once drinking was eliminated from the equation, we didn’t have much in common besides being Buffalo Bills fans.”

Research shows that while there are no health benefits to merely thinking about going sober, it does provide a measure of false hope to concerned friends and family members.

“Celebrating small victories is key to maintaining thinking about going sober,” said Nick Casaldi, an addiction specialist at Buena Vida detox center. “If shaming yourself worked, you’d be cured by now. You wouldn’t call someone who only smokes crack on the weekends a crackhead, or someone who only bets on sporting events a gambling addict, so why the undue judgment for alcohol consumers? I tell my clients that sobriety has nothing to do with drinking, and the ones that live to be over 47 are grateful for my unconventional attitude.”

At press time, Squires was seen buying the whole bar a round of tequila shots to celebrate three years of thinking about quitting his vape.