MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Retail conglomerate Target announced today that they would be participating in Record Store Day by offering 35 separate versions of Taylor Swift’s new album “The Tortured Poets Department,” sources unloading crates and crates of records confirmed.
“We’ve partnered with Taylor for years to carry a myriad of exclusive variants of her albums and re-releases, but on this Record Store Day we wanted it to be special. We’re happy to let our guests know that we’ve thrown our existing vinyl inventory into a landfill to make room for 35 separate versions of ‘Tortured Poets Department,’” said VP of Logistics Mike Wallace. “Guests can get their hands on these records that will also come with exclusive Target content like Taylor reading random words from the dictionary, or a 20-minute butt dial from Travis Kelce passionately talking about zoo animals. Not only will fans be happy, but so will our shareholders. We’re going to be printing money today.”
While the corporate offices were looking forward to the extra revenue, store employees were trying to control the chaos on the ground.
“This has already been the worst day of my life and it’s not even lunchtime yet. It took all night to painstakingly set up displays just for everything to sell out 15 minutes after we opened the doors. Now we have Swifties tearing the store apart because they think there’s some secret 36th version hiding somewhere,” said Kevin Kerns. “I feel bad using the actual Record Store Day exclusives we got to barricade the doors, but we didn’t have a choice. I guess it’s somewhat comforting to know physical media is still popular, but not every one of her albums needs a one off track where she sneezes mid-song.”
Many independent record store owners unsuccessfully tried to procure even a handful of Swift’s albums.
“How the hell are we supposed to compete with the retail chains when they’re shilling variants of ‘TPD’ where she’s singing backward? I reached out to her label for just a few copies of the vanilla version and they said their minimum order was 25,000 units,” said store owner Cindy McClane. “As much as I want Record Store Day to focus on celebrating rare and revived albums, it would be nice to make a year’s rent in a day. Hopefully we’ll come close with all these copies of At the Drive-In’s ‘In/Casino/Out’.
Target later addressed the inventory issues, saying there were still plenty of copies of the Taylor Swift/Refused split 7” in stores.
Nightsongs is Stars’ first album, and while there is a lot to like here, it never quite hits “classic Stars” levels. Much more electronic than most of their later efforts, the album was almost entirely recorded before Amy Milan joined the band. While she shows up for the last track on the album, her presence is missed. There are other vocalists who guest on the album who are great, but as they aren’t as recognizable as Amy, sometimes one could forget you’re listening to Stars. That doesn’t mean this album isn’t good. It’s still catchy and sad like all their albums. It’s just a bit of a “lo-fi beats to study to” feeling.
This placement will probably be a little controversial, especially considering if you ask us next week, “The North” might be in the top 3. There are tracks on here that, as the kids say, “slap your taint.” That’s the phrase, right? “Slap your taint”? “Hold On When You Get Love” is maybe one of the best Stars “bangers” in the second half of their life as a band. The guitar line is the best lick from The Cure that The Cure never put out. The real issue with “The North” is that as an “album,” it drags. The second half has great songs, but nothing ever hits with the same punch as the first 6 songs (minus the title track, which doesn’t do much for us). And that’s not saying the last 6 aren’t good. They’re fantastic, but they still dip compared to the energy and melody of something like “Backlines”.
Speaking of controversial placements, “Heart” at number 7 feels harsh. But before you start sending death threats, hear us out: Stars has no bad albums. And the reality of such a beloved album being this low is that it’s really only because the band simply cannot put out a bad album. While “Night Songs” showed promise, “Heart” fulfilled that promise. All the melody and instrumentation you want from this band. And then the feels. My goodness. It’s enough to read our old LiveJournal entries. This album contains “Elevator Love Letter” which introduces the characters who would show up later in the band’s biggest single “Your Ex-Lover is Dead” as well as several other songs throughout their albums. Again, ask us next month and this album could be number 1. But take solace in knowing that at some point you might feel about their later albums the way you do about Heart.
Stars rarely miss with an album opener. But this opener is really something else. They lean into not just electronic, but actual dance music for “From the Night” and it sets the tone of the album. That’s not to say No One Is Lost is all sweaty hook-up anthems. There’s plenty of sadness, quiet jams, and all the other Stars stuff. But the album does finish with another great dance song in the final and title track, ending on a real high note. One of the things we think about when we think of this album is the single “Trap Door” whose video includes an actual argument within the band. It’s awkward and real, and a reminder of what a struggle have a band as your main source of income. You travel with these people, you play the same songs over and over, and NOBODY CLEANS THEIR SHIT. sorry.
There’s something really comforting about a band that can reliably put out good music. And Stars’ most recent album is exactly that: comforting. However, there is a somber feeling to “Capleton Hill.” That’s not to say it never makes you want to shake your ass. Plenty of asses get shooken. But the whole album has a “fuck, we’re just all getting older and this shit is hard” vibe. And like a good whiskey, cheese, or whiskey-cheese, age suits this band well. They’re not hiding it. But they also not writing corny, feel-good songs about their kids. It’s still heartache, heartbreak and as previously mentioned, shaking asses. But done in a way that doesn’t feel like a band grasping for a sound that no longer suits them, nor a band that has given up and settled with being a weaker version of themselves. Instead, this album is that hot older couple that you see on the street that just looks like they are having a waaaaaay better time than anyone else. And you KNOW they still fuckin’.
This album has no business being this good. This album is so good it’s making us rethink the order. This album is so good it’s kind making us angry. How does Stars keep doing it? Everything just fits. And I gotta say, there are not many album closers that nail it quite as well as “Wanderers.” How does one band keep making this many good albums? Not just songs, FULL GODDAMN ALBUMS! It’s… it’s not fair. It’s honestly not fair. There are like 40 artists we can think of off the top of our heads that put out a great album and then have consistently put out total horseshit since. But 8 albums in and Stars still can’t miss. And it still feels like they are singing, specifically for you. I know we’re all punks here, but sometimes we just want love, and this album is love.
This is the album that made lots of folks fans of Stars. And it makes sense, cuz it’s got it all. The romantic back and forth, the dance tracks, the sad lyrics about breakups, and just incredible instrumentation and production. It’s borderline impossible to listen to this album and not feel… something. “Your Ex-lover is Dead” is so ubiquitous, one almost forgets how perfect the lyrics are. It’s also an ultimate first track. While “Heart” technically established the back-and-forth style between Amy and Torquil, SYOF perfected it. Other bands had done it, but this album made it feel like a wholly unique idea. And then of course there’s the songs. “Ageless Beauty” was a single, but honestly doesn’t get the props it deserves. It’s a perfect song, and we’re willing to punch someone in the face over it. So back off.
We hate to keep saying it, but on any given day, this album is number 1. It’s so good. “Take Me to the Riot” is THE Stars banger. People can complain about the production being too much, but like… too much is the whole thing with this band. The romantic back and forth between Amy and Torque is waaaay too much, and we love it. In so many ways this album IS Stars. Just about every emotion, in an album. “Personal” is just flat-out one of the roughest songs out there. And the title track encapsulates the epic nature of what the band’s over-the-top romantic worldview aspires to be. It’s almost enough to make us want to care about… stuff. Almost.
We’re not sure we’ve met anyone whose favorite Stars song is from this album. And that’s not to say this album doesn’t have killer tracks. It’s literally all killer tracks. But with other Stars albums, we often wanna jump around and get straight to our favorite bops. But with “The Five Ghosts,” you hit play and let it go. Because as a complete package, this album is… well the complete package. Take the Stars formula, and then add a dash of real, actual sadness and that’s “The Five Ghosts.” What’s interesting is this album had a LOT of bangers. For an album that seemingly deals with some rough stuff, this album is dancey as shit. And at the end of the day, Stars is a band that is really about a vibe. And something about the vibe of this album is different than all the rest. And whatever that difference is, makes it number 1. Front to back this album feels like it HAS to be listened to in one sitting. We’ve also heard that it’s pretty good make-out music. We’ve heard. Just saying.
