LOS ANGELES – Millennials recently found themselves bawling with tears of joy after Steve Burns of “Blue’s Clues” fame once again touched their hearts by viciously beating Dan Schneider to death with his bare hands, according to multiple viewers of the live-streamed event.
“If there’s one thing I always wanted to teach the kids who watched ‘Blues Clues’ it’s that you have to be ready to do the right thing,” said Steve from behind the glass in the local jail. “That’s why after watching the ‘Quiet on Set’ documentary I knew I had to take action. I followed all of the clues before sitting down in my thinking chair and thinking about what to do. I soon realized that abused children, Dan Schneider, and my fists all added up to justified vigilante justice. My dog might be blue but I vowed my hands would be magenta after I was done with him.”
The vicious beating which was shared by Burns over TikTok Live was met with rave reviews by millennials who watched.
“This was the greatest smackdown I have ever seen in the history of ever,” said 34-year-old Justin Greenlee. “It all started off with Steve looking at the camera and saying he was proud of me while he approached a lavish looking LA house. The next thing we see is Dan Schneider’s greasy face as he answers the door. At this moment Steve starts singing ‘here’s my fist it never fails, when I swing it really sails, when it strikes I want to wail, dieeeeee!!!’ and then he just starts bashing in Dan’s skull. Now I can be happy about Dan Schneider and Jennette McCurdy’s mom both being dead.”
Other former Nickelodeon stars chimed in wishing that they had been the one to put the hurt on Dan Schneider.
“I knew Steve was a good guy but now I think he’s a great guy,” said former “All That” and “Pete and Pete” star Danny Tamberelli. “I briefly appeared on “The Amanda Show” which Dan directed but my only role was a claymation me coming out of a toilet so I didn’t know him that well. However, after hearing about all the abusive and weird stuff I wish I had gotten to know him. And by gotten to know him I mean make sure that my fists knew the inside of his skull as I turned his brains into pudding. I would never have used my feet to stomp him though because weirdly enough he probably would’ve been into that.”
At press time, it was reported that a spotted blue puppy was seen in LA carrying around the decapitated head of convicted pedophile and former Nickelodeon employee Brian Peck.