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Punk on “Survivor” Keeps Trying to Vote Out Ronald Reagan

FIJI — A lifelong punk rock devotee in the middle of his tenure on this season’s “Survivor” repeatedly attempted to vote out Ronald Reagan at the last five tribal councils, sources confirmed.

“Look, man, this is finally my chance to vote that son of a bitch out, whether he’s here or not, and I’ve gotta take it. This is for the good of the tribe, even though everyone keeps getting mad at me for ‘wasting my vote,’ they’ll be singing a different damn tune once I explain what trickle-down economics means for game show contestants,” spewed Spinelli “Spits” Morganoff, while carving a Crass logo into a palm tree. “That mil’ at the end of the line is gonna get taxed to all hell thanks to you know who. Not on my watch, he’s gotta go! I may do the same for Governor Jerry Brown, if they haven’t formed an alliance yet. This one’s for YOU, Jello!”

“Survivor” host and executive producer Jeff Probst is wary of Morganoff’s methods, but intrigued on how it will affect gameplay.

“I’ll say this: Spits may not be ‘outwitting’ or ‘outplaying’ any of the other Survivors this season, but he’s certainly outlasting. We’re talking about a guy who insists on drinking his own urine, despite there being a freshwater source provided just outside the camp. His gambit of writing in Ronald Reagan at every tribal is a rogue move, but it may pay off, we’ll just have to keep watching. There’s precedent with stuff like this, like when the goth we had on Season 31 kept trying to vote off sunlight every week!” said an always-excited Probst. “Plus, the other players this season seem to enjoy that Spits attracts all the island’s annoying fruit flies due to his overwhelming natural stench. I’d bet they’ll keep him around just for that reason alone. ”

One person not amused by Morganoff’s power plays is Fiji resident, and unwelcome specter to all, the ghost of Ronald Reagan.

“Well, I sure as shoot didn’t somehow evade eternal hellfire and end up on a remote Fiji island just to get voted off before the tribal merge. I should have marked where the producers hid that ‘idol nullifier’ with a secret pile of jelly beans when I had the chance,” said Reagan’s ghost, while flanked by the apparitions of two secret service agents. “Keep in mind, I came from the world of acting first, so I can use that to my advantage to forge alliances with the other dead presidents on this island, and nip that young upstart in the fanny come next tribal. He put the wrong gipper on the chopping block, you can quote me.”

At press time, Morganoff broke his streak by refusing to vote in order to keep the parchment in hopes of using it to produce a zine.