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Internet Detectives Believe New Taylor Swift Track “Florida!!!” About Troubled Relationship With Swamp-Dwelling Skunk Ape

APALACHICOLA, Fla. — Dedicated Swifties across the internet believe the new Taylor Swift song “Florida!!!” is about her highly publicized breakup with the mythical swamp creature known as the Skunk Ape, sources confirmed.

“Taylor has a type. She likes big, beefy, and kind of oafish guys. Before she was with Travis there were multiple reports that her jet was landing at a small airport near the swamps of the Florida panhandle,” said Swift super fan Kylie Burke. “Then paparazzi photos emerged of her eating a plate of random meat at Duke’s Gator Hut with a giant hairy beast that reportedly smelled like stepped in dog crap. It’s obvious ‘Florida!!!’ is about that breakup which was really tough on her. It ended when the Skunk Ape refused to be her date at the Grammys because he wanted to stay in Florida to harass local fishermen and eat roadkill. She needs someone that will put her on a pedestal, not just lurk through swamps and scare children.”

The song’s co-writer Florence Welch, who also does guest vocals on the track, seemed to corroborate the internet’s hypothesis.

“All of Taylor’s lyrics are up for interpretation. But yes, it’s no surprise that this is a deeply personal song about a time in her life that she would like to move on from,” said Welch. “We actually took the team down to Florida for a few days while writing the song so Taylor could show us some of the places she liked to frequent when she was there. There were a few illegal moonshine stills, a trailer where some guy named Tick was making a new variant of amphetamine, and of course there was the makeshift shack by the swamp where she spent so many nights just laughing and having the time of her life with that one special friend.”

Cryptid expert Dr. Niles Swanson believes there are other songs in Swift’s catalog about mythical creatures she dated.

“I’ve gone through Taylor’s discography multiple times and I believe that ‘Lover’ is actually about a terrible date she had with the Loveland Frog of Ohio. ‘Sparks Fly’ is about the deep friendship she had with the Jersey Devil, but that friendship ended when Taylor didn’t let the Devil join her backing band,” said Dr. Swanson. “Some people even believe she dated the Mothman, but I think that’s a ridiculous rumor, everyone knows the Mothman is gay.”

At press time, Netflix announced they will be producing a three-part documentary series about the Skunk Ape’s romance with Swift.