ATLANTA — Bystanders at a recent singer-songwriter showcase were reportedly creeped out after witnessing the headliner awaiting his set watching the opener beguile his audience far too lasciviously, unnerved sources confirmed, while keeping their distance.
“Look, man, what can I say? It’s not a crime to get off on someone else pleasuring what’s mine! You get your jollies your way, and I’ll get ‘em mine. Heh, and man oh man do I get mine!” smirked headliner Rick Yeoman, using his guitar to cover his midsection at the mere thought. “Ya gotta keep things spicy on the road, you know? Including an opener in my relationship has only proven the love I have for my audience more. I know I can trust them, not like my ex-audience who used to let me fall to the concrete whenever I tried to stage dive. Communication is key, and I’ve found that with these crowds. I know that when they’re drooping over my opener, they’re really thinking about me.”
One person left out of this “communication” was Yeoman’s opener, who found himself in the middle of a situation he was unprepared for.
“Opening for Rick on this tour has been pretty fun, but I gotta admit, the way he stares and nods off to the side of the stage as I work the crowd before he comes on is downright unsettling. In between my songs, I can hear him licking his lips and shit, whispering for me to ‘give it to them good,’ I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?” said opener Fletcher McGovern, whom we noticed is more muscular and younger than the aging Yeoman. “I got into this to show the world my music, not cuckold another man’s paying audience. The worst is when he tries to horn in on my set to try to join in without any warning at all. It’s like, ‘hey, man, they want me right now!’ but the rejection only seems to rev him up even more! I miss when rock stars were sick freaks because they were biting heads off chickens, and not funny business like this!”
Yeoman’s longtime sound technician elaborated on what he saw as his employer’s growing exploration of his sexual proclivities.
“Sure, it may seem unconventional to you or I, who might see a headliner/audience relationship as a sacred bond between a crowd and guitarist, but the times are changing, and we’d all be smart to change with them, I say. It’s really livened up their sets life, that’s for one thing,” said Corey Crisp, while surreptitiously affixing a splash guard to his mixing board. “I, for one, am happy for all of them, and get a little misty-eyed beholding that connection night after night. I wouldn’t tell Yeoman that, though, it’d probably only fuel the fire further, and I’ve shorted out three boards already this tour.”
At press time, Yeoman was crestfallen to find out that his audience has officially left him to pursue a relationship with his opener, and they’re already expecting a live album.