Every Cake Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Whether you discovered Sacramento, California’s Cake on MTV2 in the grunge, swing, ska and nu-metal-laden ‘90s or on tour with screamo sensation Ben Folds in the late 2010s, we can all agree that you discovered them. The band sounds like no ONE, and we mean no ONE; that may sound like an insult but it is far from it. Over the course of the band’s thirty-plus-year career, they really don’t have too many full-length studio albums, just six, proving that quantity is far more important than quality. Still, we attempted to rank all six from worst to you’re the best around, nothing’s gonna ever keep you down, and if you go the distance, you can read each and every word, children and Capricorns. It’s coming down, and she’ll come back to me; it’s all coming back to me now.

6. Showroom of Compassion (2011)

What’s new is always bad and what’s bad is always new… this adage can be applied to your grubby klezmer band named after your cousin’s trapper keeper, but it cannot and should not refer to Cake’s sixth/latest LP as of now known as “Showroom of Compassion.” You want passion, it’s always in fashion! Anyway, Cake’s discography may have some meh songs but the band doesn’t have a bad album; no no no. And, in the Easter egg to end all Easter eggs, the final track on “Showroom of Compassion,” the simply and elegantly named “Italian Guy” clocks in at, wait for it, three minutes and eleven seconds. For the plebs in the room, that’s freaking 311! That number inspired more teen pregnancies than it should have but also didn’t. In closing, this is Cake’s lone independent release because they’re independent men.

Play it again: “Long Time”
Skip it: “What’s Now Is Now”

5. Pressure Chief (2004)

2004 was an incredible year for the world in both politics and music: GW “Nepo Baby Of Babies” Bush became our nation’s vice dictator for the second of two terms, which proved Relient K’s 2004 blockbuster “American Idiot” title track correctly in spades for all Moses’ in Urban Spaces. Dick Cheney may want a word with you, me, and everyone we know. Cake’s fifth album “Pressure Chief” was also released that year of all things years, but other Cornerstone acts sadly superseded it. Still, Cake has a high caloric amount of super fans, all of which are prescribed Ozempic, and “Pressure Chief” won one or more for the Gipper! The band’s last major label release, and literal conglomerate LP to hit stores (remember those?) altogether debuted at an impressive seventeen on the Billboard 200, proving that the Sacramento icons had many in the palm of their hands.

Play it again: “Wheels”
Skip it: “She’ll Hang the Baskets”

4. Motorcade of Generosity (1994)

Rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle up so close: 1994 was the true year that punk rock broke through the mainstream with such blockbuster bands as The Offspring, Green Day, Rancid, and Anal Cunt getting a flurry of radio acclaim. In addition, incredible movies like “Pulp Fiction,” “The Shawshank Redemption,” “Forrest Gump,” and “Citizen Kane” were also released said supernatural year. It’s interesting to note, and we use the word “interesting” to describe an ugly painting, that Cake started their full-length studio album career in the nineteen ninety four with an album that was “interesting” in an interesting way. Yeah. Fun fact: This album was recorded at a place called Pus Cavern. Yeah part 2. Anyway, ardent supporters of desserts, sweets, and vegemite may scoff at this “low” rating, but that’s show business, baby!

Play it again: “Rock ‘n’ Roll Lifestyle”
Skip it: “I Bombed Korea”

3. Comfort Eagle (2001)

Cake’s fourth album is their best album from this century BY FAR and not just because of a short jacket and long skirt, but because the songs are consistent quality-wise, making this LP the first to be mentioned here with nearly zero filler; shadow stab us if you disagree, we will still LOATHE you madly. Deservedly, this album went gold, which during this century is a huge accomplishment, and contains their best song title, albeit not best song, in “Meanwhile, Rick James…”. Speaking of colored awards, single #1 from “Comfort Eagle,” “Shirt Skirt, Long Jacket” went platinum and we ain’t mad about it; nay nay nay. If you have the chance, watch its music video even if you’ve seen it before.

Play it again: “Short Skirt / Long Jacket”
Skip it: “Commissioning a Symphony in C”

2. Prolonging the Magic (1998)

Cake’s third album altogether/last of three ‘90s efforts, contains one of their biggest, if not biggest hit single, at least chart wise, “Never There”; you are never ever there and we are never ever sorry. Also, we posit the supreme and earth-shattering opinion that this album’s opener, “Satan Is My Motor,” is not only the band’s finest opening track (sorry, Nancy Sinatra), but also the best song in their vastly superior sonic catalog; hear our motor caaaall. “You Turn The Screws” is almost as good, and “Sheep Go To Heaven” is the most haunting and gorgeous portrayal of livestock this side of the Mississippi. Back to “Never There”: Its opening line truly sucks you in from the start and the badass riffery/horn lines keep ya guessing/stressing. You may be more of a McNugget than a Copperfield, but this album is for everyone!

Play it again: “Satan Is My Motor”
Skip it: “Cool Blue Reason”

1. Fashion Nugget (1996)

The only “no skip” release of Cake’s career, which is likely your gateway drug to this band, whether you tools are willing to admit it or not, “Fashion Nugget” is an all killer no filler of a sophomore LP, and wins the gold here, whilst Frank Sinatra sings “stormy weather” sans Daniels. The world wasn’t prepared for a mainstream assault of spoken word musings with a trumpet sans upstrokes, but the band was thinking of someone for whom the world still burns, and created a studio album worth surviving for; to quote Kurt Angle, “It’s true! It’s true!” We may get hate for this, but “Fashion Nugget” also contains perhaps, perhaps, perhaps the best lineup of Cake of their career, and that’s all we have to say about that, except it isn’t. In conclusion, friend is a four letter word and we can’t spell and/or speak English good.

Play it again: Frank to waltzes
Skip it: Tank to balding

The Top 20 War on Drugs Songs For Unsolicited Rambling Shroom Stories

Posted on by Tim Sheard

What do dreams, recollections of improv scenes, and stories of drug trips all have in common? Everyone loves hearing them described in great detail! You already came to this baby shower microdosing on magic mushrooms that your friend Zeke brought back from Oregon, and everyone here is sure going to know about it! (Was that really a “microdose” though? You were never great with eyeballing.) That’s right, time to bust out the best stories of your craziest trips. You’re a walking raconteur, a regular goddamn druggy Raymond Carver, dealing out mind-bending stories to anyone within earshot. But whatever you do, do not keep these stories succinct. People need to understand your magical journey! Here are 20 War On Drugs songs to provide the perfect soundtrack. (Listen to the playlist)

“Red Eyes”

Use this song from the 2014 album “Lost in the Dream” as a starting off point, since your eyes are actually bright red from resin-infused pre-rolls, plus irritation from a strange fungus on your couch. Sure, you’ve been smoking spliffs in the driveway and taking gummies since 6 a.m., but you are ready to make this baby shower become electric with tales of staring at wild patterns on pillows or getting lost in laundromats. Then, maybe look into that fungus.

“Living Proof”

In the kitchen line for mimosas, you begin talking to a cousin and the conversation somehow veers to shrooms. You talk about how you’re “living proof” that magic mushrooms make you a more considerate, conscious, open person. You demonstrate the cross-pollination of cranial hemispheres and fusing of sensory streams within your own brain. You explain what a good listener you are with a rambling twenty-minute story, weaving in War on Drugs lyrics, before this cousin fakes a phone call to get away from you.

“Pushing Corn”

When food is served, you get stuck at a glass tray filled with corn casserole. You begin swirling the casserole into mandala formations, complex symbols laced into the crust. Ancient symbols that speak to you. An impatient line forms behind you. Be sure to apologize and tell the quick story of a beach shroom trip six years back when you threw messages in a bottle from a pier, only to receive a littering ticket from a police officer that you could’ve sworn was actually Aaliyah dressed as Inspector Gadget.

“Lost in the Dream”

Oh man, we’ve all been there. There was that one time you took too many caps and wound up in city hall, crying at the mayor’s door, escorted out by hands that felt like tentacles around your lithe, twisted body. You try telling this story to some of the next door neighbors, whispering in short bursts, but they look away, hoping for any reason to stop talking with you. That’s alright, hum this song aloud to yourself while you open the fridge looking for orange juice.

“A Needle In Your Eye #16”

You find the expecting couple and discuss all of the sedatives to come, how you avoid any injections, opting for “au natural.” Parents-to-be love uninvited advice! Use this song from the debut 2008 War on Drugs album “Wagonwheel Blues” to illustrate your point. When you suggest a baggy of shrooms as an alternative, the expectant mother balks at the suggestion, as does the father (while later discreetly asking for a hookup in the hallway). Make a note to bring a clandestine strong tea brew next time you see him – this will certainly make the quiet, very easy process of bringing home a newborn much more fascinating.

“Holding On”

The mellow buzz of the microdose should be setting in. You grab the armrests of your seat. Isn’t that a pleasant texture? What is this fine sensation? There is a conversation with family members going on around you, discussion of local schools, before you loudly interject with “I like to take it with peanut butter. This one time in Yosemite we tried shrooms with Slim Jims cuz that’s all Mikey had and that was disgusting. Ugh!” Everyone nods, and you laugh, feeling your sense of self expanding and reverberating into the chair.

“Burning”

Shrooms always make you want a cigarette, so you go to the side of the house where some teenagers are quietly vaping. They suspiciously eye you and you try to get on their level: “You kids wanna hear a delulu story? This one time, I was on shrooms in Walgreens, and I got kicked out for vaping in the pharmacy. That place has no rizz! But point is, I thought I saw Adam Granduciel, from War on Drugs, inside the store. Turns out it was just another pharmacist so my bad, I guess. Pretty cool story, huh? Right?” Laugh to yourself and admire the shrubbery lining the fence as the teens slowly back away.

“Buenos Aires Beach”

As work friends of the host discuss vacation plans, use this as a reason to discuss your profound trip experience on a Mendocino beach. “The sand, it was talking to me. I call this day ‘My Personal Awakening.’ I realize that we are all one, all just repeating this cycle of human cruelty, when all we should do is love openly and cherish each other’s company.” Look deeply into the avoidant eyes of everyone around you, your eyes welling with tears, just happy to be in their presence.

“Pain”

Find someone else at the baby shower, another inward-seeking soul, and tell them about your scariest shroom trips. There was that you accidentally got locked in a friend’s room. Hours alone in the dark, everyone outside in the hall laughing. Faces stirring in the shadows, a crumpled sweatshirt on a chair frowning at you, fabric housing a thousand demons and secrets between the weaves. Breathing felt like daggers inside your chest. As the stranger comforts you, put some of the cheese from the charcuterie board in your pocket. No one’s eating that brie, so it’s technically fair game. Brie travels well in pockets, right?

“Under the Pressure”

Go outside for some breathing room, maybe into the front yard where you can interact with strangers. Leave the house, walk down the street, pull your necktie away from your neck – the international symbol for “I sure am under pressure!” Aren’t we all, though? Everyone with their private lives, difficult stories and personal battles. “It’s such a rich wonderful world,” you think to yourself. If anyone walks by, tell them stories about more fun tripping stories from Coachella, or about that time you rewatched all of “The Good Wife” three times over a period of months, or how you spent hours laughing at daisies just this past weekend. Riveting anecdotes.

“Baby Missiles”

You are fully in a different part of the neighborhood. A sudden flash in your periphery scares you before you realize it’s just a crow. You see a city worker fixing a stoplight, launching into a long story about seeing things that aren’t there. “The material moves,” you explain. “Like a world beneath this world, invisible beings, echos of phantoms, all from bad trips, man. That batch a few months back was poison, no good,” you explain, offering caps of brown gnarled shrooms to the man in a high-visibility vest and hardhat. He explains he’s on the job, but takes your number just in case.

“Change”

You walk downtown listening to their 2021 album “A Deeper Understanding” on headphones, now shedding your jacket (“hot, so hot, too hot” you mutter to yourself). Suddenly, you realize there is a giant CVS full of people ready to hear your fantastic stories. The automatic doors open and you smile at the security guard, asking him if he has had any “fun trips lately.” He begins to talk about a recent vacation to Barbados, clearly misunderstanding you. Either way, you have a vivid kaleidoscopic conversation with this man that you will never forget. Or at least until you come down.

“The History of Plastic”

As you walk down the soap product aisle listening to this song from the sophomore War on Drugs album, 2011’s “Slave Ambient,” you reflect on how much plastic is thrown out on any given day. You consider all of the microplastics inside of us. You see an elderly couple and say too loudly, “Ah, far less microplastics in you two. It’s lead and asbestos you gotta worry about, right?” They look on confusingly as you discuss the merits of glass jars versus plastic bags for storing shrooms. Once again you are misunderstood, as discussion of shitake versus portobello is prompted from the old man.

“Disappearing”

Hide in the aisles and whisper your most fun shroom trip experiences to anyone walking by. Mothers love when you prompt a discussion on drugs with their children, especially when every sentence is punctuated with, “It’s a real groovy time, man.” Hell, why not open up some of the probiotics capsules and hand those out to people in the store? As you are escorted out, explain the importance of the gut-brain connection.

“Wasted”

This place has changed, man. Once the CVS was a welcome center of people ready for conversation. Now you see a cavernous, monstrous, unwelcoming death factory. You stare at the shaking, quaking building, laughing at a hilarious family of shopping carts in front of you. Suddenly it all seems so sad and you have the most amazing cry of your life while sitting on a public fountain.

“Clean Living”

No more shrooms. That’s it. You decide right there, this is the last trip. For this month, at least. You go into a Jamba Juice (that’s right, you still call it by the original name, fuck the corporate Jamba lingo) and begin explaining how much better your shrooms trips are now that you’ve been going out to the desert. “No one knows your pain in nature, no one can hear the torture in your soul,” you explain to a high-schooler behind the counter just trying to get through a shift.

“Eyes to the Wind”

Remembering that since you actually caught a ride to the baby shower, you need to head back to the house, now with a better understanding of not only this suburban section of town, but the inexhaustible wonders of life itself. You reflect on the memories made. You’re a different man as you enter the baby shower, now being cleaned up by family members. The party is over, you’ve somehow been gone for five hours.

“Up All Night”

The kind hosting couple waits with you as an Uber arrives. You quietly play this song from the fourth War on Drugs album, 2017’s “A Deeper Understanding,” from your phone. Use this as a chance to tell yet another wild shroom trip story, this time about breaking into a museum and possible involvement in an arson case at a rugby stadium while living abroad. You ask if there are any leftovers to take home before being distracted by a pleasant design on the napkins.

“I Don’t Live Here Anymore (feat. Lucia)”

And suddenly you’re a stranger, riding through the city at night, talking at length to an exhausted Uber driver that clearly wants to listen to Christian radio and be left alone. Instead, you tell him enthralling stories about how much your hand changes while on shrooms. “It’s like my fingers are having a civil war, like my thumb is waking up from a nightmare,” you explain to the driver, driving extra fast to end this ride.

“Strangest Thing”

And suddenly, you’re back home again. Whoa. How does this even work? What is this rat race we call life? How does anyone go anywhere and come back as the same person? You look at your cat and ponder the meaning of existence while throwing on a War on Drugs vinyl. Time to take a few more caps and just relax into the night. Tomorrow holds a new world of strangers, waiting to hear your shroom stories!

Listen to the playlist:

Photo by Sputniktilt

Woman Jealous of Cat’s Health Insurance

Posted on by Tim Sheard

LOS ANGELES – Local millennial woman, Jane Torrio was left stunned and envious after discovering how much easier, effective, and better her cat’s health insurance was compared to her own, similarly frustrated sources confirmed.

“When Pickles started having a weird cough, I put off calling her Vet for weeks—which is exactly what I do when I get sick,” said Torrio. “When I called to make an appointment they said we could come in the next day. This blew me away because when I had strep throat, which the internet says can spread to your brain and turn you into a zombie, my doctor said they could ‘fit me in’ in four fucking weeks. To top it off, Pickle’s Vet office confirmed in one simple sentence that her visit was fully covered under insurance that I forget I even pay for, that’s how little it costs. I might try to take advantage of this and ask the Vet if any of the animal vaccines work on humans because my insurance company says they don’t cover preventative care.”

Veterinarian, Dr. Lee Schneider says a lot of pet parents find themselves wishing they had such comprehensive care.

“My practice has been noticing an interesting trend where a lot of owners will bring their perfectly healthy pets in with pretty bizarre ailments. I had one patient brought in because they ate mistletoe….in July? And upon realizing the pet is perfectly fine the owner will usually ask me to inspect an irregular mole on their backside ‘since they’re here anyway’ or they’ll just stick out their tongue unprompted. And ask if it looks okay?” said Dr. Schnieder. “Just yesterday I was called for a pet emergency that included a 34-year-old woman with IBS.”

Karen Stone, a California State Senator says it’s her personal mission to make sure pets all over this country have the best healthcare possible.

“I want to ensure every whisker, wagging tail, and saggy nipple is in good health in this great country. No pet should have to go without care in this country,” said Senator Stone. “With that said, I believe Medicare for All or any similar Obamacare-type dupes are bad for America. Our country supports lazy people enough as it is and to assume that we have the resources to pay for all your health bills is frankly insulting. But a happy pet makes a happy owner and happy people aren’t as sick. Which is why I know my mission to focus on pet healthcare will have ripple effects in the community.”

At press time, Torrio reported that Pickles was given medication for ADHD and anxiety and that she’s already been feeling much better.

Opinion: Things Need to Go Back to an Idealized Fictional Version of How They Never Were (Guest Column by Your Brother-in-Law)

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Let’s be honest: the ‘50s were the best time in America. And yeah I know what you’re gonna say, so before you get all pissy, no, I’m not talking about segregation. That was bad. Obviously. And no, I’m not talking about the lack of women’s rights. Obviously, I love women. Especially the hot ones. My mother is a woman, and so is my sister, so I’m pretty much an expert on the female experience. But this country has changed for the worse over the past 70 years. Something has changed, something I can’t really put my finger on. Or say out loud. Because all I want is for America to be how she should be: Literally whatever I want.

America is and always has been perfect. Other than the government, big cities, and the fact I can’t afford my diabetes medication. But other than that, it’s perfect. I will lose my shit if you criticize the red, white, and blue. And while technically when I complain about the things, I am also criticizing it, that’s different. Because I’m me and I’m a real American and I saw these things out of love, a love so deep that it’s almost scary. And no, I don’t mean anything racist by “real American” but also please don’t ask me to define it.

I’m part of a dying breed. Real, rugged men. I would defend this country with my life, despite evidence to the contrary, such as the fact that I never joined the military during the multiple wars that have happened in my lifetime. But just saying that I would, makes me a true patriot.

Back in the day, men were men. And women were women. And because I have done no research I can only assume that up until about 1995, nobody was gay, trans, or anything else that I don’t understand. Please don’t tell anyone those things scare me. Because then, due to my lack of emotional intelligence or maturity, I will threaten violence. Which of course I will barely be able to follow through on, as my combative training consists of watching lots of MMA videos alone when I’m sauced. I’m just thankful I have my guns.

And finally, I wanna go back to when real country, not Beyonce, was on the radio. Back when we knew what country music was: pop songs about shitty parties in the woods sung by someone who, sure if we’re gonna be honest, isn’t from the south and doesn’t actually have an accent, but serves up that drawl thicker than the women I harass on Instagram.

That’s the America that I miss because it never really existed. And I want to live in it again, for the first time. Again.

Ruby Sells Apartment in Soho for $3.4 Million

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Former punk Ruby Davis, made famous in the Rancid song “Ruby Soho,” reportedly closed on a deal to sell her apartment in Lower Manhattan for an astonishing $3.4 million dollars, sources confirmed.

“Back in the ‘90s, I convinced my parents to buy this place for me for like $4,000. I told everyone I was squatting there because I didn’t want them to know my parents were paying for everything,” said Davis. “Come to find out years later that everyone in the punk scene had rich parents, we all just went to different private schools. Eventually I started cleaning the apartment up, I got rid of the wallpaper, painted over the graffiti, and used the place to store my collection of Victorian-Era furniture for the last 20 years. But I realized it’s time to move on, and I’m happy to see a good monetary return from all the time I put into the place.”

Neighbors admitted they were upset with Davis for letting her apartment go for such a small amount.

“I’ve owned an apartment in that building since the 1970s. The city paid me $400 a month to live there for years because the neighborhood was so bad. Thankfully, things turned around and I’ve been able to rent it out for $12k a month to a Russian oligarch while his daughter goes to NYU,” said landlord Russ Kehoe. “I wouldn’t let this thing go for less than $6 million. Ruby selling her apartment for so cheap is a slap in the face to all the hard-working property owners of this city. Well, I don’t actually live in ‘the city’ anymore. I’ve been living in Florida since 2006.”

The apartment was bought by a real estate investment firm that plans to convert the 800-square-foot apartment into five luxury micro units.

“We plan on blocking off the natural light from the bay window and using LED panels to mimic daylight in each unit. These micro apartments will be outfitted with all the amenities you need. Like a single burner hot plate, a micro-fridge that can hold up to two cans of sparkling water, and enough space for you to stand up and turn around comfortably without getting stuck between the walls,” said developer Leslie Holcomb. “Also, the floor doubles as a mattress, so if you are less than six feet tall, then you can lay down and almost extend your legs fully. Plus, the shared bathroom located at a Starbucks three blocks away is perfect for when you want a coffee right after brushing your teeth.”

At press time, the apartment featured in the Rancid video for “Time Bomb” will reportedly be the new home of a John Varvatos luxury retail store.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week Because We’ve Been Banned From Listening to the New Taylor Swift Album

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s Sunday afternoon, which can only mean one thing: You’ve wasted another week of your life by not immersing yourself in the world of new music. We’re here to put an end to your incessant need to live a boring life with a less-than-unremarkable soundtrack.

Here are six new songs that should help lift you out of the truly concerning rut you’ve wedged yourself in.

Menomena “The Insulation”

Your favorite band’s favorite band, Menomena, shocked their corner of the internet on Tuesday by dropping three new songs and breaking a nearly twelve-year silence. The EP coincides with the announcement of a one-off reunion show celebrating the 20th anniversary of their debut album. Your arty college friend has probably been telling you about this band for years. It’s time you finally listen.

One Step Closer “Orange Leaf”

Next month, Pennsylvania’s rising melodic hardcore outfit ‘One Step Closer’ are releasing their highly anticipated sophomore LP, ‘All You Embrace.’ Judging by the singles we’ve heard so far, the band is clearly embracing the highest potential of their explosive sound. The latest, ‘Orange Leaf’ shows the group can showcase vulnerability and aggression in a single breath, placing them firmly in the hallowed halls of their genre.

Gatecreeper “Masterpiece of Chaos”

Much to the delight of metalheads and conversely to the disdain of arachnophobes across the country, Gatecreeper is releasing their third full-length, ‘Dark Superstition’ next month. The third single and absolute churchburner ‘Masterpiece of Chaos’ is absolutely true to its title, though ‘Chaos’ may be an understatement here. Make sure you’re in a comfortable seated area the first time you listen, as the dive-bombing and disgustingly chuggy guitars will leave you in a tailspin.

David Byrne “Hard Times”

We’ve been trying to get David Byrne to pen a theme song for our site for years. Thousands of phone calls and several cease and desist letters later, our wish has finally been granted in the form of his cover of Paramore’s ‘Hard Times.’ Considering the clear Talking Heads influence of the original, this cover is a no-brainer. While we were hoping he would pen something a bit more personalized toward our award-winning journalism, we’re happy to finally be acknowledged.

Still House Plants “Probably”

Up-and-coming British art-rockers, Still House Plants, just released their excellent third album ‘If I don’t make it, I love u.’ It’s a dazzling triumph and ode to simplicity that cements their reputation as a band who can craft a gigantic sound with minimal instrumentation and production. Their ‘less is more’ approach will make you wonder if you really need three guitarists in your band. Before you get ahead of yourself though, make sure you don’t kick out the one that actually knows how to play.

E.D.A “Velkommen Til Klubben ft. Conan O’ Brien”

The Summer of Conan is upon us. After an unexpected and incredibly viral appearance on ‘Hot Ones,’ O’Brien has his eyes set on landing a hit on the Norwegian pop charts, a desire he expressed nearly a year ago on his podcast. Thanks to a little help from Norway’s underground rap duo, E.D.A, that dream is closer to becoming a reality. Though ultimately a hit for Conan’s new travel show ‘Conan Must Go,’ it’s hard to deny the man has some serious chops and massive hook writing skills. Let’s help take it to the top, dear readers.

Because we know you can never go back to your musicless old life, we’ve compiled these and a fuckton more songs into a handy playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

​​Help! The Coolest Thing I’ve Ever Done Is Slipping Further and Further Into The Past!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

So I’m throwin’ back a few garage beers at my niece’s 3rd b-day bash, and this guy mentions a huge band I opened for. I couldn’t believe it. Usually I have to strategically shoehorn that into every conversation. So I bust in with the classic, “You know I opened for them back ‘09,” then proudly scan for approval. But my buddies just rolled their eyes like, “Not this story again,” and my teenage nephew asked, “Who?” Has my one massive accomplishment been reduced to a meaningless footnote in time? Help!

Man, old people are right… Time sucks! I thought the wow factor of this insanely cool tidbit would last a lifetime. So now what? I have to get back out there and do another cool thing?! Do you know how hard that one cool thing was to accomplish? I was in a slew of shitty bands for like 10 years before that one magical night when Gore Cock came to town. And sure, we were the first of 8 bands on that night, and our set was over before they even got to the venue, but it still counts! I have the show flyer to prove it!

We totally would’ve kept doing cool things, but that one big night sadly became our undoing. Bands rarely survive once big money is involved. You’d think splitting $100 five ways is easy enough, until egos and gas money rear their ugly heads. Yep, that was the end of my music career. I asked for more hours at the bowling alley, and I was more than okay with that, since I’d always have Gore Cock.

You know what? Sorry the music industry doesn’t have linear growth like their dumb office jobs. It’s a rollercoaster, and you can never really tell if a cool moment was your peak or just another step up the success ladder. I just have to get back in the game and outdo myself! I’ll get the band back together, relearn the bass, rehearse the old gold and start touring!

Ugh, that all sounds so exhausting. Why do I even care to impress this idiot? Sure, I got trashed and popped the bounce castle, but honestly, who brings up Gore Cock at a 3-year-old’s birthday party? And if I’ve learned anything here, it’s that if my friends aren’t impressed by my stories, then I don’t need new stories… I need new friends!

“About the Author” Page Offers Strange Peek Into Sad Little Life

Posted on by Preston Long

CONCORD, N.H. — Readers across the country were horrified to find that the “about the author” page on a new bestseller gave insight into some of the most disturbing hobbies and quirks imaginable, sources vowing to only watch TV from now on confirmed.

“Well, you see, I like to keep busy with hobbies outside of writing, to keep my mind sharp. I have my soap whittling, my insect taxidermy, and of course, my ever-growing collection of used body casts I get from hospitals around the world,” said best-selling author and apparent total loser Franford Gerber, not noticing we were slowly backing away from him. “I know, I know, you’re saying ‘oh, he spends his free time watching live-feeds of exotic bird baths – stereotypical middle aged male!’, but, hey, it informs the work, which people seem to enjoy! Although, I haven’t heard firsthand, since my publishers think it’s a good idea for me ‘not to leave my house deep in the woods’, so I’ll have to take their word for it.”

Former fans of the author were unsettled with the information gleaned from Gerber’s new tome’s bitter bummer of a dust jacket.

“This dude’s a straight-up freak!” cried former fan Omri Warrendish, while looking for a trash can or fireplace to rid himself of the book. “How can a guy who readily offers up that he ‘lives in a cabin with the ghost of his dead mailman’ write a novel so damn compelling? I don’t know if I can condone this guy’s lifestyle, I liked it better when he was just a mystery, and I could pretend he looked like my grandfather. But, my grandfather wouldn’t stand idly by while a professional writer confessed to ‘finding cumulus clouds sexually attractive’ on the back of his breakthrough novel! If you’re gonna be a complete weirdo, at least have the decency to suck!”

Leading literary scholars agree that most professional authors have their reclusive nature thrust upon them by their agents.

“Well, confidentially, it’s common for an author’s quote-unquote ‘reclusiveness’ to be a preventative move on the publicist. A lot of these folks are straight up pathetic, and spend their free time doing the most pitiful shit that, if word got out, would really flatline book sales,” said New York Times book critic Alexandra Jacobs, with a shudder. “I mean, if you think the stuff that makes it into the blurb is upsetting, just think about the stuff the publisher decides not to include! I mean, let’s just say most Pulitzer Prizes should come with an ankle monitor with a radius that keeps these chuckleheads in their own yards. Honestly, it’s the publicists that should get the awards, for keeping the world safe from these weird authors’ whole vibes! There, I said it!”

At press time, Gerber was encouraged by his publicist to take an eternal vow of silence to “encourage mystique, yeah, that’s it! Mystique!”

How Come You’re Allowed to Bring Your Unruly Kids to Church But I Can’t Bring My Well-Behaved Komodo Dragon?

Posted on by Doug Kolic

These fucking hypocrites at this church make me sick. Each week a sermon is interrupted by another rowdy kid screaming, throwing things, or shitting their pants and making this whole joint stink like a Burger King bathroom. How come their parents are allowed to keep bringing these demon children while I’ve been told on numerous occasions that my well-behaved and toilet-trained Komodo dragon isn’t welcome?

They preach things like “kindness” and “understanding” here. But where was that goodwill when they called the cops on me after I refused to take Chompy home just because he took a little nibble of one of the parishioners waiting in line for the Eucharist? He’s named that for a reason. If you give him enough personal space there’s usually nothing to worry about. But, yeah, if you get up all in his business he’s going to react because that’s what apex predators do.

I’m not exactly sure what Jesus would say about pet dragons since I just come here for the free Wi-Fi and usually tune out the lame priests talking out of their asses, but from what I’ve read on various bumper stickers it sounds like he’s pretty chill about all his father’s creations, including 175-pound reptiles who aren’t dangerous unless hungry, provoked or sometimes just ‘cause you walked by too fast. It’s not like I let him roam around willy-nilly, I have a very controllable twelve-foot leash, maybe one of these people can borrow it and wrangle their kids for once.

I hate being made to feel like I’m the bad guy. Last year when they asked me to stop bringing in my Burmese python because serpents are apparently a “symbol of evil” from the underworld which was freaking all these Bible-lovers out, I not only did what they requested but I also did the mature thing and found him a better home in the creek behind the local daycare. He was such a good swimmer and loved kids.

Perhaps organized religion isn’t for me. Listening to a bunch of false prophets telling me how to live my life and who create arbitrary rules about who can and can’t worship in God’s House is a bunch of BS. Maybe it’s best to let bygones be bygones and spend my valuable time elsewhere. Right after I break in tonight with Chompy and let him go to town on these new pews that the congregation spent all year raising money for. He’s gonna have an absolute field day with this red oak.

NBC Adds “Chicago Hardcore” to City-Themed Lineup

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — NBC announced they would be expanding its One Chicago universe this fall by focusing on the punk scene with “Chicago Hardcore,” network executives have confirmed.

“I’ll admit that we’ve exhausted every storyline and plot twist for our procedurals. So we thought– what if instead of shows about first responders and medical emergencies, we told the stories about the people causing said emergencies? Enter ‘Chicago Hardcore,’ our newest entry about mosh etiquette, crew rivalries, and everything that comes along with the hardcore scene,” said executive producer Dick Wolf. “Each episode begins in the pit of a different DIY venue and will let viewers into the lives of the men and women putting each other in the ER, starting trash fires, and smashing police car windows. Plus we got Harm’s Way for the theme song to lend some authenticity to the show. However, it’ll only air on Fridays at 1 a.m.”

Actors in the new series were excited to break into uncharted territory for network television.

“I never met any punks during my time at Julliard, but I’ve been told I carry myself like a young Blag Dahlia. The producers want to soft launch my character on ‘Chicago PD’ next week to gauge interest, so they have me wearing an Against Me! shirt and punching Jason Beghe’s character in the face,” said Jordan Walsh. “I’m excited to be a prominent character in the show, but it’s been a challenge to nail the character down. I didn’t know the role would require so much guttural screaming and spitting on people from Forest Glen.”

Network executives admitted they were taking a risk greenlighting the show after a number of false starts in the recent past.

“Nobody is questioning Dick’s vision, but since the ratings bomb that was ‘Trial by Jury’ we’re a little cautious about stories from the common folk in our tentpole series. Just this year we already greenlit and canceled ‘Chicago Hot Dog Stand’ and ‘Law and Order: Stenographers’. Trust me, there is a very limited audience for both,” said executive Bill Demers. “I’m not sure if an hour-long show about punks accusing each other of being posers is going to click, but the focus groups reacted overwhelmingly positive to the idea of hurling bricks through private hospital windows set to Big Black. Honestly, the hardest part has been trying to court advertisers other than Malort and Old Style.”

As of press time, production was halted after the cast and crew were severely injured while filming during a live show at The Empty Bottle.

Photo by MG Ommert