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Ruby Sells Apartment in Soho for $3.4 Million

NEW YORK — Former punk Ruby Davis, made famous in the Rancid song “Ruby Soho,” reportedly closed on a deal to sell her apartment in Lower Manhattan for an astonishing $3.4 million dollars, sources confirmed.

“Back in the ‘90s, I convinced my parents to buy this place for me for like $4,000. I told everyone I was squatting there because I didn’t want them to know my parents were paying for everything,” said Davis. “Come to find out years later that everyone in the punk scene had rich parents, we all just went to different private schools. Eventually I started cleaning the apartment up, I got rid of the wallpaper, painted over the graffiti, and used the place to store my collection of Victorian-Era furniture for the last 20 years. But I realized it’s time to move on, and I’m happy to see a good monetary return from all the time I put into the place.”

Neighbors admitted they were upset with Davis for letting her apartment go for such a small amount.

“I’ve owned an apartment in that building since the 1970s. The city paid me $400 a month to live there for years because the neighborhood was so bad. Thankfully, things turned around and I’ve been able to rent it out for $12k a month to a Russian oligarch while his daughter goes to NYU,” said landlord Russ Kehoe. “I wouldn’t let this thing go for less than $6 million. Ruby selling her apartment for so cheap is a slap in the face to all the hard-working property owners of this city. Well, I don’t actually live in ‘the city’ anymore. I’ve been living in Florida since 2006.”

The apartment was bought by a real estate investment firm that plans to convert the 800-square-foot apartment into five luxury micro units.

“We plan on blocking off the natural light from the bay window and using LED panels to mimic daylight in each unit. These micro apartments will be outfitted with all the amenities you need. Like a single burner hot plate, a micro-fridge that can hold up to two cans of sparkling water, and enough space for you to stand up and turn around comfortably without getting stuck between the walls,” said developer Leslie Holcomb. “Also, the floor doubles as a mattress, so if you are less than six feet tall, then you can lay down and almost extend your legs fully. Plus, the shared bathroom located at a Starbucks three blocks away is perfect for when you want a coffee right after brushing your teeth.”

At press time, the apartment featured in the Rancid video for “Time Bomb” will reportedly be the new home of a John Varvatos luxury retail store.