Press "Enter" to skip to content

​​Help! The Coolest Thing I’ve Ever Done Is Slipping Further and Further Into The Past!

So I’m throwin’ back a few garage beers at my niece’s 3rd b-day bash, and this guy mentions a huge band I opened for. I couldn’t believe it. Usually I have to strategically shoehorn that into every conversation. So I bust in with the classic, “You know I opened for them back ‘09,” then proudly scan for approval. But my buddies just rolled their eyes like, “Not this story again,” and my teenage nephew asked, “Who?” Has my one massive accomplishment been reduced to a meaningless footnote in time? Help!

Man, old people are right… Time sucks! I thought the wow factor of this insanely cool tidbit would last a lifetime. So now what? I have to get back out there and do another cool thing?! Do you know how hard that one cool thing was to accomplish? I was in a slew of shitty bands for like 10 years before that one magical night when Gore Cock came to town. And sure, we were the first of 8 bands on that night, and our set was over before they even got to the venue, but it still counts! I have the show flyer to prove it!

We totally would’ve kept doing cool things, but that one big night sadly became our undoing. Bands rarely survive once big money is involved. You’d think splitting $100 five ways is easy enough, until egos and gas money rear their ugly heads. Yep, that was the end of my music career. I asked for more hours at the bowling alley, and I was more than okay with that, since I’d always have Gore Cock.

You know what? Sorry the music industry doesn’t have linear growth like their dumb office jobs. It’s a rollercoaster, and you can never really tell if a cool moment was your peak or just another step up the success ladder. I just have to get back in the game and outdo myself! I’ll get the band back together, relearn the bass, rehearse the old gold and start touring!

Ugh, that all sounds so exhausting. Why do I even care to impress this idiot? Sure, I got trashed and popped the bounce castle, but honestly, who brings up Gore Cock at a 3-year-old’s birthday party? And if I’ve learned anything here, it’s that if my friends aren’t impressed by my stories, then I don’t need new stories… I need new friends!