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How Come You’re Allowed to Bring Your Unruly Kids to Church But I Can’t Bring My Well-Behaved Komodo Dragon?

These fucking hypocrites at this church make me sick. Each week a sermon is interrupted by another rowdy kid screaming, throwing things, or shitting their pants and making this whole joint stink like a Burger King bathroom. How come their parents are allowed to keep bringing these demon children while I’ve been told on numerous occasions that my well-behaved and toilet-trained Komodo dragon isn’t welcome?

They preach things like “kindness” and “understanding” here. But where was that goodwill when they called the cops on me after I refused to take Chompy home just because he took a little nibble of one of the parishioners waiting in line for the Eucharist? He’s named that for a reason. If you give him enough personal space there’s usually nothing to worry about. But, yeah, if you get up all in his business he’s going to react because that’s what apex predators do.

I’m not exactly sure what Jesus would say about pet dragons since I just come here for the free Wi-Fi and usually tune out the lame priests talking out of their asses, but from what I’ve read on various bumper stickers it sounds like he’s pretty chill about all his father’s creations, including 175-pound reptiles who aren’t dangerous unless hungry, provoked or sometimes just ‘cause you walked by too fast. It’s not like I let him roam around willy-nilly, I have a very controllable twelve-foot leash, maybe one of these people can borrow it and wrangle their kids for once.

I hate being made to feel like I’m the bad guy. Last year when they asked me to stop bringing in my Burmese python because serpents are apparently a “symbol of evil” from the underworld which was freaking all these Bible-lovers out, I not only did what they requested but I also did the mature thing and found him a better home in the creek behind the local daycare. He was such a good swimmer and loved kids.

Perhaps organized religion isn’t for me. Listening to a bunch of false prophets telling me how to live my life and who create arbitrary rules about who can and can’t worship in God’s House is a bunch of BS. Maybe it’s best to let bygones be bygones and spend my valuable time elsewhere. Right after I break in tonight with Chompy and let him go to town on these new pews that the congregation spent all year raising money for. He’s gonna have an absolute field day with this red oak.