CONCORD, N.H. — Readers across the country were horrified to find that the “about the author” page on a new bestseller gave insight into some of the most disturbing hobbies and quirks imaginable, sources vowing to only watch TV from now on confirmed.
“Well, you see, I like to keep busy with hobbies outside of writing, to keep my mind sharp. I have my soap whittling, my insect taxidermy, and of course, my ever-growing collection of used body casts I get from hospitals around the world,” said best-selling author and apparent total loser Franford Gerber, not noticing we were slowly backing away from him. “I know, I know, you’re saying ‘oh, he spends his free time watching live-feeds of exotic bird baths – stereotypical middle aged male!’, but, hey, it informs the work, which people seem to enjoy! Although, I haven’t heard firsthand, since my publishers think it’s a good idea for me ‘not to leave my house deep in the woods’, so I’ll have to take their word for it.”
Former fans of the author were unsettled with the information gleaned from Gerber’s new tome’s bitter bummer of a dust jacket.
“This dude’s a straight-up freak!” cried former fan Omri Warrendish, while looking for a trash can or fireplace to rid himself of the book. “How can a guy who readily offers up that he ‘lives in a cabin with the ghost of his dead mailman’ write a novel so damn compelling? I don’t know if I can condone this guy’s lifestyle, I liked it better when he was just a mystery, and I could pretend he looked like my grandfather. But, my grandfather wouldn’t stand idly by while a professional writer confessed to ‘finding cumulus clouds sexually attractive’ on the back of his breakthrough novel! If you’re gonna be a complete weirdo, at least have the decency to suck!”
Leading literary scholars agree that most professional authors have their reclusive nature thrust upon them by their agents.
“Well, confidentially, it’s common for an author’s quote-unquote ‘reclusiveness’ to be a preventative move on the publicist. A lot of these folks are straight up pathetic, and spend their free time doing the most pitiful shit that, if word got out, would really flatline book sales,” said New York Times book critic Alexandra Jacobs, with a shudder. “I mean, if you think the stuff that makes it into the blurb is upsetting, just think about the stuff the publisher decides not to include! I mean, let’s just say most Pulitzer Prizes should come with an ankle monitor with a radius that keeps these chuckleheads in their own yards. Honestly, it’s the publicists that should get the awards, for keeping the world safe from these weird authors’ whole vibes! There, I said it!”
At press time, Gerber was encouraged by his publicist to take an eternal vow of silence to “encourage mystique, yeah, that’s it! Mystique!”