Rolling Stones Manager Admits to “Weekend at Bernie’s”-ing Keith Richards for Last 35 Years

LONDON — Longtime Rolling Stones manager Joyce Smith finally revealed that she has been deep in a “Weekend at Bernie’s” situation with Keith Richards’ long dead corpse since 1989, sources wondering how she gets him to smoke those cigarettes confirmed.

“Well, when Keith died in the late ‘80s, with a full world tour to promote ‘Steel Wheels’ on the docket, we were all pretty stumped on what to do. But, then I saw some nearby sunglasses, popped them on him, and pointed out that, hell, the alive-and-well Keith didn’t really move around or say much, so Mick and the fellas gave it the thumbs up” said a harried Smith while toggling an elaborate pulley system to make Richards give a thumbs up as well. “I’ll admit, I had a bit of help from the kind people at the Jim Henson Creature Shop with some puppeteering pointers, and also the Lysol corporation for helping keep his stench under control and at least vaguely lemon-scented. It’s a team effort, really, I’m just the one who took the 3-month intensive ventriloquism course.”

Richards’ bandmates were at first apprehensive, but soon admitted to it being just like old times.

“Sure, it took me a gig or two to get used to Ol’ Keithy here always needing to be propped up by a nearby ‘assistant’, but after a while, talking to him was just like talking to Kermit or Grover. You start to ignore whoever’s pulling the strings and are absorbed by the pure magic of this timeless character,” said a beaming Mick Jagger, with his arm around a “napping” Richards. “I don’t mind saying that sometimes I feel closer to this Keith than I ever did when he was breathing oxygen. He’s such a good listener now. Total shit at the guitar though, sad to say. Living beings certainly make better musicians, I can safely say. Thank god for backing tracks.”

No community is more validated by this news than the online music conspiracy theorists who have suspected this for decades.

“I knew it! I would always tell people I could see the little wires moving his hands from fret to fret, but people called me crazy. I caught the head of one of the puppeteers on one of their SNL appearances. Thank god for live TV, the conspiracy theorists only friend,” said Randy Bergens, owner of both the domain names KeithRichardsIsDeadAndInAWeekendAtBerniesSituation.net and KeithRichardsIsAliveAndInAMrsDoubtfireSituation.net, just in case. “Now if only I could get more people onboard with my firm belief that Bob Seger is legally married to a car, I can really feel legitimized.”

At press time, sources still can’t figure out how they make him smoke that cigarette.

The 15 Worst Jimmy Eat World Songs To Play In Your Sex Dungeon

You finally did it, after watching countless hours of home renovation videos on YouTube you finally finished your sex dungeon. Now it’s time to convince some of your more adventurous friends to come over and try out some of the amenities. To set the perfect mood you are going to need the right soundtrack, and that absolutely should consist of a single song from Jimmy Eat World, it makes absolutely no sense to play any of their songs while sucking, fucking, or both at the same time. But here are the 15 worst songs for your foray into the world of BDSM. (Listen along to the playlist)

15. “Let It Happen”

The simple fact of the matter is this song is a bit too upbeat for any sex dungeon playlist. Everyone knows that darker music fits the mood better. Also, this song has multiple moments where the vocals could sound like mocking laughter. Maybe this works for someone with a humiliation kink, but most people will find it distracting.

14. “Feeling Lucky”

A song with a lyric “Suck that lucky feeling out of me” might seem like a fit for your filthy fuck palace, but the fact of the matter is there are going to be a few people who aren’t “feeling so lucky” because their Dom just hooked a car battery up to their nipples. They claim they like it, but the screaming makes everyone uncomfortable.

13. “For Me This Is Heaven”

This is a song you put on a mix tape for your crush back in high school. Back then it was much easier for you to get off. This song would just serve as a reminder of more innocent times, when simple penetrative sex was all it took, you would find yourself humming along while a large man in boots grinds his heel into your balls and be so distracted you wouldn’t feel a thing.

12. “Please Say No”

If “No” is your safe word then you are going to ruin the sex dungeon experience for everyone. Think of something more creative. A word that people don’t use in passing conversation all that often. Try words like “Caveman” or “Sweetness” instead. If this song was written by Trent Reznor and was about some sort of sodomy then it would be a good fit, but Jimmy Eat World still has yet to write their sodomy anthem.

11. “Action Needs An Audience”

This song title makes a lot of assumptions about the types of people you will be inviting over. Yes, some people are going to want an audience when they are flogged, gagged, or being mocked for their tiny, almost invisible penis, but some people still want to be flogged, gagged, and have their tiny, almost invisible penis mocked in private.

10. “23”

Sure this song might seem like a good idea at first, it’s a bit slow and somber. But inevitably someone in your sex dungeon is going to be a huge fan of Michael Jordan. They will start harping about how Lebron and Kobe are trash compared to Jordan. It’s going to really ruin the vibe, sports and bondage do not mix.

9. “Closer”

If this were the the Nine Inch Nails song of the same name you would be in business. Great choice for your playlist, but instead this song is a mid-paced rock song that never once mentions fucking anyone like an animal. A complete miss by Jimmy Eat World here.

8. “Blister”

Oh no, your Dom bought a new pair of boots and she didn’t break them in properly. This song reminds them that they need some quick help fixing their new footwear so they don’t get a painful blister. This unassuming rock song is now the reason you are on all fours shining a pair of thigh-high boots with your tongue.

7. “Stop”

Another bad choice for a safe word. And the song itself is too light for the nasty things you and your associates do on a nightly basis. If you can imagine this song being played while you have your entire fist in someone’s anus then you might be even more depraved then you realize.

6. “Pain”

This song title is a bit on the nose, and honestly it doesn’t deliver. If you are going to have a song called “Pain” you want it to have a Type O-Negative and be some sort of instruction manual about how to ratchet up the pain to deliver the ultimate pleasure, which is of course a massive orgasm that is no problem at all thanks to the high end flooring you installed that is easily cleaned, and prevents slipping.

5. “The Middle

Yeah this is a great song for almost any playlist. But there is a huge problem having it on your sex dungeon playlist. Everyone is going to start singing along, tapping their toes, and bopping their heads for the entirety of the song. Is that what you want? A fun time singing with friends? Or do you want to humiliate each other sexually to the point you don’t make eye contact if you see each other in public? Thought so.

4. “Cut”

Here is another song that you think might actually fit in with the theme. Surely you have a couple friends that are into knife play. But our friends in Jimmy Eat World say “I’m sorry” way too many times in this song, and this dungeon is not a place for remorse, it’s a well ventilated place for absolute depravity.

3. “Bleed American”

The title track from Jimmy Eat World’s breakout album is an absolute classic, and this album also came out a few months before 9/11 and the album was then renamed “Jimmy Eat World” following the attacks. Why is this a big deal in your dungeon? Because one person is surely going to know that fact and start talking about how jet fuel can’t melt steel beams while you are being suspended from your testicles.

2. “Pass The Baby”

The song title alone is enough to make this a terrible choice. If you can’t get a babysitter then you cannot be in the sex dungeon, that’s one of the only rules you have and if anyone argues with that then maybe you need to alert the authorities.

1. “Hear You Me”

This song is about a person who died in a car crash who was friends with Jimmy Eat World. There are a lot of kinks out there, but most reasonable people don’t want to be thinking about the tragic loss of life while being pegged.

Generation-Defining Rap Song Followed on Album by Least Funny Skit Ever Recorded

ATLANTA — A recent discovery revealed a beloved once-in-a-generation rap song was followed by the most unfunny skit anyone’s ever heard, confirmed sources who have never gotten through the entire six-minute interlude without skipping it.

“It was so cosmically cheesy that it actually made me second guess my adoration for the otherwise greatest rap song to be written since Skee-Lo’s ‘I Wish,’” said lifelong rap fan Reggie Greenspan. “I mean, the skit started off strong. It was a simple premise of two guys talking about ordering a pizza. Then all of a sudden it devolved into a mixture of surface-level puns, youth pastor-equivalent jokes, and even a couple of extremely dated ‘whazzup’ references. In fact, more than half of the album consisted of humor-less sketches. You would think at least one or two would be funny, even if by accident. They really should’ve stuck to music.”

Rap group Syndicate Crew didn’t think it was that bad.

“We all know comedy is subjective and we found this out the hard way,” said Rob “Nefarious B” Watkins. “Pitchfork actually gave our album two ratings. One for the music and one for the comedic value. Somehow the second rating was a negative number. Feels a bit harsh. Either way, we only use rap as a front for our main passion, which is sketch comedy. We were heavily inspired by the comedic greats of Outkast, Kanye West, and Wu-Tang Clan. Someday we hope to be on the Mount Rushmore of rap sketch comedians. Someday.”

Experts noted the curiously long history of comedy and music.

“They don’t go hand in hand at all unless you’re Weird Al, Tenacious D, or Flight of the Conchords, yet musicians keep trying anyway,” said music journalist Renee Boltron. “And fans absolutely are not having it. For example, Dr. Dre is a highly respected rapper and songwriter, but I think we can all agree that ‘The Chronic’ would’ve been better without that one skit where Dre is having a conversation about the military-industrial complex with the Noid. And don’t get me started on the skit about a dog drinking a grown man’s urine on Blink-182’s ‘Dude Ranch.’ Brutal.”

At press time, members of Syndicate Crew announced they were releasing the B-sides to the album which consists of six new skits and no music.

Help! I Lost My Friend Molly at this EDM Festival and No One Is Being Helpful

I am way too good of a friend. Despite being a total bebop jazz head, I agreed to go to the Sonic Breeze EDM Festival for my friend Molly’s birthday. Lo and behold, she went missing mere minutes after arriving. Upon entering the security check, I squeezed out a quick shit in a porta-potty and she was gone by the time I came out.

To make matters worse, not a single person was even remotely helpful during my search. I went up to some woman covered head to toe in lime green fishnets and asked “Have you seen Molly?” She just grinned and tried to make out with me. The audacity!

Next, I asked a gentleman whose shirt had a rather psychedelic pattern if he had seen my friend Molly, and he started laughing and dry-humping the nearest tree. Is anyone here at all concerned that we have a missing persons case on our hands?

One of the attendees had the audacity to call me a “narc.” What is that about? I’m a bad guy just because I’m trying to solve a missing persons case? I’m all for de-funding the police, but not because they find missing people!

The music certainly isn’t helping. I’ve been trying to find the information tent but all the music sounds like trash compactors and fart noises on every beat. No one could hear me or read my lips. My dental filling from last Thursday came loose from all the bass. I placed it in my fanny pack. I do not believe that this noise fits the dictionary definition of “music.”

But then something interesting happened. The fifth or sixth person I asked for help handed me a pill that looked a lot like my papaya seed capsules, so I took it. While I don’t think it helped my gut flora health, I did start to enjoy the music a bit more. I allowed myself to be free and dance, and if I recall correctly, I made oral love behind a falafel tent.

I felt a sense of joy I hadn’t experienced since I was a child playing capture the flag with my friends. I thought the smile would permanently burn into my face.

This haze lasted a few hours, and after a few oral love-making and receiving sessions, I started to regain my senses. The world became grayer once again, and Molly was still nowhere to be found.

Until I checked my text messages. Apparently, she said she’d “meet me at Stage B” nine hours ago. I really need to check my texts more.

Fantasy Metal Show’s Coat Check Consists Primarily of Capes

LANSING, Mich. — The coat check at the Iron Smelt Theatre was filled almost exclusively with capes during fantasy metal legends Polarian Amulet show, event staff reported while sweeping up prosthetic elf ears.

“For people who put on such airs of adventure and whimsy they sure can cop an attitude when it comes to the handling of their capes,” said coat check attendant Molly Chambers. “Each cape had its own rules that I was somehow supposed to know. One guy threw quartz dust in my eyes for using the wrong velvet gloves while touching his cape. Someone else insisted I steam their sleeveless outer garment every 15 minutes so the hemstitching wouldn’t fray. We’re a coat check, not a museum. The worst was how they only referred to their cape by its proper name. There was no ‘the black one with the red lining,’ only ‘I’ve come to retrieve Lordicai!’ As for tips, I got about a thousand guest passes to the same polycurious magic show.”

One fourth-degree succubus who identified themself only as Xalystra was none too pleased with the cape check service.

“That rube running the operation didn’t know the first thing about capesmanship,” said the longtime fantasy metal fan. “She was hanging capes from feuding mother realms right next to each other. Another time the hood fringe from one cloak got tangled in the neck clasp of another and you could practically see the mana draining from both! Having to explain the obvious difference between a Celtic knot and a Triskelion spiral caused half of us to miss the opening of the show when the band hatches from a dragon egg. Now I’ll never get invited to the backstage virgin sacrifice!”

Veteran hospitality coordinator Patricia Gill was sympathetic of the frustrated concertgoers.

“Coat check failed to honor the cardinal rule of any successful event; know the act! If you’re bringing a band like Polarian Amulet you better believe outlandish outerwear are coming with it,” said Gill. “Patron eccentricity is no excuse for not being prepared to meet their needs. I vividly recall staffing a snake check at a Limp Bizkit concert in Clearwater. It went off without a hitch save for one pit viper we had to put down after throat striking a corndog vendor; you learn to roll with the incidentals.”

At press time, the Iron Smelt Theatre had postponed all future performances while venue personnel worked to cast a summoned demon back to whatever hell it came from.

15 Sitcom Dads Based on How Likely They Are to Attend Your Drone Metal Show

Sitcom dads typically run the gambit between borderline abusive and trying way too hard to be cool. There seems to be very little middle ground. So with a genre so, how we say, niche as drone metal, we found ourselves asking which sitcom dad’s would go to your band’s show and which ones wouldn’t. So, continuing our proud tradition of journalistic integrity and asking the important questions, here’s our list of sitcom dads based on their likelihood of coming to your show.

15. Al Bundy (Married With Children)

Short of kicking out Kelly’s boyfriends, Al Bundy doesn’t really take much interest in his kid’s lives. If it’s not Psycho Dad or something No Ma’am affiliated, the likelihood of him showing up to your show is pretty slim. After a long day of selling women’s shoes at the mall, which leads us to ask how in God’s name he was able to afford his house, a man is entitled to sit on the couch with his hands down his pants. As we get closer and closer to middle-aged, we’re starting to see why doing that is so appealing.

14. Ray Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond)

If it’s not related to sports, we can’t see Ray taking any sort of interest. His kids mostly seemed like they were background characters anyway, so who even knows if music is something they’d be interested in. The writers didn’t really do much in the way of exploring those characters beyond them being Ray and Debra’s kids, so that’s really more on the writers for not taking the time to develop them more. If anything, he and Debra should be using that time to attend couples counseling because that marriage was clearly on a downward slope.

13. Hank Hill (King of the Hill)

To his credit, for lack of understanding his son (his words not ours) he is generally supportive of Bobby’s endeavors, even if it’s only as the result of Peggy forcing him to. But even the most supportive parents have their limits and we’re pretty sure that Hank Hill wouldn’t even qualify drone metal as music. Bluegrass, country, classic rock, and even the occasional boy-band are more his speed. Besides, he’d probably spend the whole evening complaining how asinine the whole thing is. You could try pointing out the pyrotechnics are powered by propane, but he may not approve of propane being used in such a manner and rat you out to the fire marshall.

12. Peter Griffin (Family Guy)

Neither of the Griffin parents are an example of good parenting. Given that Peter openly hates Meg, goes out of his way to avoid spending any real time with Chris, and has foisted parenting duties for Stewie onto his dog, he’s probably going to spend the whole evening at the Drunken Clam. Also, it’s canon that he’s a KISS fan so drone metal will probably sound like a robot with diarrhea to him. This is likely for the best as he’ll likely spend your entire set insisting you play ‘Surfin Bird.’ Which sounds like a good cover on paper, but your band doesn’t do covers.

11. Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother)

Since the story of how he met your mother took about seven years to tell, there’s a good chance that you’re not making the show either. And, to be frank, this is starting to become a problem. We don’t want to say there’s talk of you being kicked out of the band, but let’s just say your frequent absences and lateness have not gone unnoticed. Seriously, get your shit together, we told you when we invited you to join the group we needed someone reliable and we’re not buying those bullshit excuses that your dad won’t stop telling you his goddamn story.

10. Guy Blank (Strangers With Candy)

Guy Blank appears to have locked-in syndrome or something so, this is a hard no. Maybe if he were still fully in control of his mental and physical capacities, there’s a chance. But, it’s hard to imagine a guy whose only daughter becomes a boozer, a user, and a loser was the best parent. Again, we’re just speculating, but there are studies that support this theory.

9. George Bluth (Arrested Development)

At the time of this writing there’s a strong possibility he’s either in prison or a fugitive from the law. Not that this is any kind of real excuse for him not being more present in your life. Your therapist has been over this time and time again that this is toxic behavior and it’s detrimental to your own personal growth and self-esteem to make excuses for him. Sure, you’re expected to be a character witness at his fraud trial, but God-forbid he makes just a little time for you. He had a one-armed guy teach his kid’s life lessons by traumatizing them. When are you going to come to your senses and just cut him out of your life already?

8. Jesse Katsopolis (Full House)

You’re probably wondering why we’re ranking the frontman of the Rippers so low. Allow us to explain: first of all, he’s an Elvis guy so drone metal probably isn’t his jam. Secondly, he’s probably too busy hanging out with the Beach Boys. What was the deal with that anyway? Did the Tanner’s have dirt on them or something? They just always were inexplicably at their house. The series really should’ve done more to address that.

7. Alan Harper (Two and a Half Men)

Oh where do we begin with this piece of shit. Even if he did come to your show, he’d probably try and steal some of the door money and take and use all your drink tickets to buy appletinis, which we’re sure the bartender at a metal venue is not going to enjoy making. Plus, would you really want him there, awkwardly hitting on girls half his age and genuinely making you wish your mom went through with the abortion? Fuck this human parasite.

6. The Dad From Blossom (Blossom)

Did he have a name? We can’t remember and our internet connection is kind of shitty so Googling it wasn’t really an option. Actually, we don’t really know much about him. That show was a little before our time and we weren’t really in the target demographic. Maybe we shouldn’t have included him on this list, but we kind of needed to pad the numbers. We’re sorry.

5. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

Homer has been shown to have appreciation for rock music, so he’s got that in his favor. Also, he took his kids to the show’s in-universe version of Lollapalooza, which let’s be honest, most of our dad’s probably wouldn’t have done that for us. Sure he might be quick to anger, and a borderline alcoholic, but at his core, he does legitimately care for his children. He’s already got tinnitus so he won’t really have much to complain about noise-wise. Just make sure he doesn’t find out about drink tickets because, well as we mentioned earlier with borderline alcoholism.

4. Frank Reynolds (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

Not only will he be there, he’s probably fronting the money to host the show. Now, before you go giving Frank platitudes for supporting the Philly metal scene, it’s probably that he’s got ulterior motives if footing the bill for this one. Expect to see Wolf Cola being heavily promoted and sketchy bridge people in the crowd. Okay, the latter crowd would probably feel right at home come to think of it. Though, you should probably tell the doorman not to let Pondy in. Either way, don’t expect to get paid for this gig.

3. Jack Geller (Friends)

Yes, with a but. That but being that it only if it were for Ross. Throughout the series, they seemed to indulge his every whim and shortsighted decision to the point that it likely severely stunted his emotional growth and development as an adult. We figure that’s the only reason for Ross’s increasingly bizarre, childish, and selfish behavior throughout the series. Come to think of it, Ross seemed to be a mostly absent Dad for his kid, so maybe we should be asking if he would have gone.

2. Danny Tanner (Full House)

Danny Tanner’s attempts to prove to his kids that he is still their ‘rad, bad, dad’ range from cringe to downright traumatizing. So, as much as you try to fight it, he will be there front-row center, and probably trying to clean your pedal board mid-set due to his undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder. At the same time, he seems to have an inability to allow his kids to spread their wings and grow, so there’s a chance he won’t approve of drone metal and force you to quit the band. If that happens, just tell him he doesn’t love you anymore and that you hate him and he’ll cave and no one will really learn anything.

1. Phil Dunphy (Modern Family)

Like it or not, he’s coming. He will wear a band tee, probably make a sign or something, tell everyone there he’s your dad, and then injure himself attempting to stage dive in violation of the venue’s strict policy on that. His attempts to fit in will result in something that will come across as embarrassing at best and extremely racist at worst. The best thing you can do in this situation is take advantage of enthusiasm by getting him to work the merch table or lug all the gear. You can justify this by saying you’re doing it for his own advantage, which likely isn’t far off.

21 Punk Albums Turning 21 That Can Now Legally Buy a Case of PBR for Those Teenagers in Front of 7-Eleven

2003 was a prolific year for punk music. The United States’ decision to invade Iraq had been unpopular, particularly among punk musicians, so it was a shock to nobody that this famously anti-government genre had so much to say about George W. Bush. They despised him, his unjust war, his nepo-baby presidency, his tax cuts for the rich, his botched speeches, his civil liberty violations, his…sorry, this isn’t about Bush…

In a way though, every punk album that came out in 2003 owes some of its success to the political climate of the time. Nothing energized early 2000s punks more than politics. The ’90s-era punk albums about skateboarding just didn’t cut it anymore. A proper punk album needed a sound byte of Bush mispronouncing something. It needed a catchy title that said “we don’t support this war.” It maybe needed a caricature of Bush with a clown nose. Yeah, that’ll show him.

The ‘03 punk scene was ultimately unsuccessful in removing George Bush from office or ending the Iraq invasion, but their anger was channeled into one of the best years of the decade for punk music. And these albums all turn 21 this year. So keep an eye out for them while you wait outside 7-11 trying to convince somebody you “lost your I.D at a show.” If you have the patience to listen while they rant about how we never found any weapons of mass destruction, they might help you turn that crisp twenty into an unrefrigerated 12-pack with no change. Anything to prove they’re still cool after all these years.

U.S. Bombs “Covert Action”

If you read a description of U.S. Bombs (formed in Orange County in 1993 and fronted by a professional skater), you would never correctly guess what their music sounded like. This is not skate- or pop-punk. “Covert Action” is pure street punk. It would blend right in with all of the ’80s punk albums that featured a forced British accent regardless of their country of origin.’

The Offspring “Splinter”

After the success of “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy),” The Offspring started a trend with their albums where they would focus almost all of their energy into one or two singles and then fill up another 30 minutes to call it an album. “Hit That” delivers as the token single on this album. “Splinter” is a still decent way to spend 30 minutes of your day, but it’s no “Smash” or “Ixnay On The Hombre.”

Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros “Streetcore”

Joe Strummer was working on this album when he died of a heart attack in 2002. It serves as a fitting goodbye to one of the original punk rockers. A few songs feature first-take vocals, as these were all that was available. If the rawness of Strummer’s vocals on the last song, “Silver and Gold” doesn’t leave you teary-eyed, remove that Clash patch from your vest and pick a new genre to base your personality on.

The Exploited “Fuck the System”

Do you want a good old-fashioned dose of UK hardcore that will leave your pulse elevated and your ears ringing? The Exploited are there for you. “Fuck the System” contains all of the anger and yelling The Exploited were famous for in the ‘80s. If you’d like to see the nearly 70-year-old frontman Wattie Buchan live, the Exploited are currently in the middle of a world tour, 21 years after the release of their most recent album.

Good Riddance “Bound by Ties of Blood and Affection”

When you think of the West Coast punk scene, one of the first places that comes to mind is obviously Santa Cruz, California. Well, maybe not, but this coastal hippie town is a logical home for vegan activist types, and the straight edge hardcore bands they love to form. Good Riddance is all of the above. This album champions activism over nihilism while complaining about politicians to an extent that stands out, even among punks.

Lagwagon “Blaze”

“Blaze” shows that a vocalist doesn’t always need to scream to make a high-energy record. Joey Cape chose to let his lyrics complement the instruments rather than fight against them for our attention. But this is still very clearly a punk album. It’s nice to occasionally take a break from listening to punk singers destroy their vocal cords for our entertainment.

Bouncing Souls “Anchors Aweigh”

This is pop-punk made for suburban bros. It was always playing in that one friend’s car when you were in high school. You enjoyed it but he got really defensive one night when you called the Souls pop-punk and then he didn’t offer to drive for the next several weekends. You should revisit “Anchors Aweigh” when you get the chance. It’s been decades since then. We promise not to tell him that you secretly liked this album too.

Strike Anywhere “Exit English”

This is about as emo-curious as melodic hardcore gets. Choruses designed to be chanted along by crowds. Seamless melodic elements between them. And then those little screamed bits for emphasis that always end up in (parenthesis) when the lyrics are written down. It all seems a bit…emo? But if Strike Anywhere chooses to identify as melodic hardcore, we respect their preference
.

The Briggs “Numbers”

On first listen, you might assume The Briggs were overusing double tracking on the choruses of this album. In reality, you’re hearing brothers Joey and Jason LaRocca share vocal duties. The result is definitely greater than the sum of its parts. If you’re a fan of gruff punk vocals and crowd-chanted choruses, you’ll appreciate the more-is-more approach taken with both on “Numbers”. The brothers also showed us that sometimes the only word you really need for a chorus is “whoa”.

Pennywise “From The Ashes”

If you’ve ever enjoyed any Pennywise album, you’ll like this one too. The only thing that has changed about Pennywise’s sound is the increase in production quality over the last three decades. While the band will likely never have another hit like “Bro Hymn,” that shouldn’t prevent you from enjoying all of the anti-government anger found in tracks such as “God Save the USA.”

AFI “Sing The Sorrow”

AFI fans can be split into distinct groups. They either like AFI’s early hardcore albums and stopped listening when the band went more mainstream, or they had never heard of AFI before “Miss Murder” was on MTV in 2006. This album straddles the line perfectly between AFI’s hardcore roots and pop-friendly later years. Around the same time, Davey Havock’s ever-changing hair began its transformation from clone-of-Danzig to the Flock of Seagulls bangs popular with the kids at the time.

The Suicide Machines “A Match & Some Gasoline”

The Suicide Machines continued to demonstrate that it doesn’t matter how undeniably hardcore your music sounds, there is a magic number of upstrokes that, once they’ve been played on an album, will get you labeled as a ska band. It doesn’t matter that your fantastic album is completely devoid of trombones, the public will still use the dreaded S-word to describe it. Now go stand in the corner next to Operation Ivy and think about the choices you’ve made, Suicide Machines.

Blink-182 “Self-Titled”

You could argue if you want about whether Blink-182’s most “emo” album to date is actually “punk” or not. You could point out that nobody else sounded like Tom DeLonge before Blink-182 because his accent is just some weird affectation that he adopted to sound unique. Or you could turn “I Miss You” all the way up on the drive home from your shitty job at TGI Friday’s and yell “WEH-RARR-YEWW” right along with him.

The Bronx “The Bronx (I)”

The Bronx sounds like the band that would be on stage in an action movie while the main character runs from the cops through a punk venue. This debut album brought the energy of a typical SoCal hardcore group, while making sure to enunciate clearly enough that even a new listener could understand the lyrics. The Bronx would eventually tire of exclusively making punk music and release several albums as “Mariachi El Bronx,” which are worth checking out if you’ve always wanted to hear a punk band sing mariachi.

Dropkick Murphys “Blackout”

Boston natives The Dropkick Murphys returned to prove that most Americans can easily be convinced that every blue-collar Bostonian is an Irish immigrant. This album features fewer covers of traditional Irish songs, instead opting for more original offerings made to sound like traditional Irish songs. The tour around this album was when the era’s punks learned not to look up while every show’s token jackass crowd surfed above them in a utili-kilt.

The Distillers “Coral Fang”

The Distillers released their final album less than four years after their first. Their sound had matured by this time. Gone are the lyrics about political upheaval and revolution, replaced instead by references to suffering, bleeding, hanging, and all the other indicators that a lyricist is kind of going through some shit. Though you would never know it watching singer Brody Dalle live at the time. Dalle actually seems most comfortable when she’s on stage screaming.

Against Me! “As the Eternal Cowboy”

The previous year’s “Reinventing Axl Rose” was a flawless debut for singer Laura Jane Grace, even though every song sounded like a solo act with a backing band added later, because they were. Grace spent the next year in the studio crafting a sound that included 3 other band members from the start, rather than including them as an afterthought for her solo work. This album seamlessly switches between high-energy belting and the still-shouted vocals in Grace’s mellower acoustic songs.

Rancid “Indestructible”

This album was a welcomed return to normalcy after Rancid got a little too experimental in 1998 with “Life Won’t Wait” and tried to overcompensate with an all-hardcore album in 2000. No Rancid show is complete without this album’s sing-along hit “Fall Back Down”. The six years they spent not releasing music after this album have caused fans to think of it as “the new album” to this day, even though Rancid has released four more since this.

Streetlight Manifesto “Everything Goes Numb”

This is the ultimate “hall pass” listen for people who hate ska music. They’re technically a ska-punk band, but this doesn’t feel like the rest of the corny bullshit that plagued the ‘90s. No other band can shoehorn a brass section into punk music in such a satisfyingly forgivable way. “A Moment of Violence,” in particular, will leave you wondering why there aren’t trumpets and saxophones in every punk lineup.

Rise Against “Revolutions Per Minute”

In this list of bands that have almost all been making music since the ‘80s, this album from Rise Against stands out. Their sophomore release shows off singer Tim McIlrath’s vocal range. There are much more screamed vocals here than a typical melodic hardcore production. Lesser vocalists would ruin their voices from trying to keep up with this pace of screaming, but McIlrath would continue to make punk music long enough after this for casual fans to accuse Rise Against of selling out.

NOFX “The War On Errorism”

This followed every rule for early-2000s punk. The songs are loud, fast, and short. The lyrics are all shouted in Fat Mike’s trademark nasally whine. And the cover art! Is that George Bush caricatured with a little clown nose in front of the American flag? Take that you fuckin’ chump! Complaining about the government had been elevated to an art form with Errorism, only for NOFX purists to complain it wasn’t as good as “Punk in Drublic.” It says so much about NOFX that this isn’t considered their best album. The best punk release of 2003 barely cracked the top-3 of their respectable catalog.

Boomer Furious After Having Car Misgendered

LANSING, Mich. — Local 72-year-old conservative Gerald Wakowski was on the verge of a complete meltdown after a passerby misgendered his coveted ‘77 Ford Mustang, concerned neighbors have reported.

“I never thought the woke mind virus would come to my driveway until this liberal dipshit walked by and had the gall to insinuate my lovey, beloved Pony was a fucking boy. Does anything about the contours of this waxed up beauty make it look like a man?” said Wakowski. “Does this kid think I’d spend 40 years meticulously greasing gears and waxing the hood if I thought it was a dude? Call me old fashioned but back in my day we knew automatics were girls and stick shifts were boys.”

Wakoski’s new neighbor who made the comment was at a loss as to what could possibly trigger such an aggressive response.

“All I said was ‘look at this bad boy’ when I walked past his car, and next thing I know he comes sprinting out of his garage and starts screaming about his car always being a ‘she’ and that he isn’t a fruitcake. It really sounds like he wants to fuck his car,” said Chris Williams. “Even sadder was seeing his wife behind him with her eyes glazed over, like she’s heard him go on this rant more than a few times. I’d be checked out too if my spouse spent all of his free time fondling an inanimate object.”

While Wakowski’s stance on his vehicle’s assigned gender seemed extreme, experts noted that classic car owners are weirdly attached to them.

“Classic and vintage cars are insured and cared for way different from the ones we drive every day, which is probably why their owners develop a symbiotic relationship with them and in some cases treat them better than their own family members. It’s like when people make those creepy dolls and act like they’re real children,” said State Farm agent Julie Smith. “And believe me, our agents have received more than an earful during claims if we don’t use their Firebird’s preferred pronouns. It’s at a point where we have to include language in our contracts stating they can’t claim their cars as dependents.”

As of press time, Wakowski has spent the last 13 hours assigning genders to everything in his garage before kissing his car goodnight.

The Next Criterion Closet? Here’s Our DVD Haul From Goodwill

It’s hard to believe it, but we had the privilege to take our picks from the Plymouth, MN Goodwill’s meticulously curated wall of used DVDs. It was overwhelming but we managed to walk away with a tote full of stone-cold classics.

Still Waiting…

The fact that most of the original cast “Waiting” refused to return inadvertently drives home the film’s themes about the cyclical, ever-changing nature of the hospitality industry and life itself.  Plus it has Andy Milonakis rapping, which in the early years of the Obama administration was considered the zenith of comedy.

Nine Copies of Ella Enchanted

A fascinating and underrated fantasy film, it serves as a bridge in Anne Hathaway’s career connecting “The Princess Diaries “and “The Devil Wears Prada”. Even more fascinating is that the checkout clerk insisted we take all of their copies, which we assume will make more room for the ten copies of Ella Enchanted that were just donated.

Matrix Reloaded (Full Screen Version)

Fuck, we mean to get widescreen! God this looks like shit. It’s like watching a movie through a magnifying glass. Why did they bother to create a version like this?

Yoga Booty Ballet: Hip Hop Abs

Swerve Studios’ influential workout videos were like if Kieślowski’s “Three Colours” trilogy was about aerobic-yoga fusion. The third in the series combined the serene fluidity of ballet and the self-discipline of yoga in a manner that looks like your mom trying to exercise after four mimosas at brunch. Five stars.

Pulp Fiction

You haven’t seen Pulp Fiction? It’s easily Tarantino’s best film, nobody was making movies like this in the early 90’s. You should come over and watch it sometime. I swear to God it’s going to change your life. Oh, wait, I just opened the case and there’s a Veggie Tales disc inside. That happens a lot.

Delta Farce

It’s no secret that this homage to Full Metal Jacket completely derailed the career of Larry the Cable Guy. Some critics will tell you they walked out of screenings because it was “mind-numbingly bad”, but you’ll rarely see a more accurate depiction of what kind of people actually make up our armed forces. It’s like “Come and See” but with more fart jokes.

The Bounty Hunter

Wait, Jennifer Aniston is in this? We could’ve sworn it was Katherine Heigel. Maybe we were thinking of “The Ugly Truth” which also has Gerard Butler. Though now that we open the case it says “One for the Money”, in which Heigel is the bounty hunter. Jesus, how many bounty hunter rom coms are there?

24: The Complete Sixth Season (Blue CD-R Variant)

One has to admire the fact someone was able to fit all 24 episodes of season six onto one CD and has its own bespoke cover art (a post-it note shoved inside the plastic sleeve). But despite the fact that it’s clearly ripped from The Pirate Bay and we can only watch it on our computer, it’s easily one of the network counter-terrorism dramas of all time.

Morrissey, Johnny Marr Pretend Not to See Each Other at Grocery Store

MANCHESTER, England — Ex-Smiths bandmates Morrissey and Johnny Marr were spotted in close proximity of one another at the Oxford Road Tesco Express despite almost intentionally avoiding eye contact with each other, sources hoping for an impromptu reunion confirmed.

“I was gobsmacked,” said Mancunian Nigel Atkinson, who was shopping at the time the two rock legends showed up. “There I was, considering tins of kippers, when who should walk down the aisle but Johnny Fucking Marr. And if that weren’t enough, from my other side comes the man himself, Steven Patrick Morrissey. I was hoping to witness a Marr-Moz reconciliation there in my own Tesco. But the two acted as though they didn’t see each other and passed in silence. Gutted, I was. Shame them coupla twats can’t mend fences.”

Guitarist Johnny Marr admits he saw the former Smiths singer in the shop, but purposefully ignored him.

“I’ve given up on the minger,” said Marr while tossing darts at a “Bona Drag” poster. “Each time I extend the olive branch, that obstinate prat dredges up some ancient grievance and sends the whole thing tumbling again. Aye, I saw his royal majesty coming up the aisle with his trolley full of kale. I pretended not to notice him, picked out a jar of brown sauce and moved along. I did catch a nauseating whiff of Brylcreem as I passed, which is a scent I now abhor given the associations I have with it. To hell with him and his wilting pompadour.”

Margaret Dunwich, relationship therapist and author of “Oh Shit, I Think That’s My Ex,” sees parallels between ex-romantic partners and bandmates who split acrimoniously.

“Morrissey and Marr are acting similarly to former lovers: holding grudges, avoiding each other in public and disparaging each other with gossip,” said Dunwich. “My advice to them would be to bury the hatchet. They should meet for a pint and have a cordial chat. Maybe even broach the idea of getting the band back together, eh? In the interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I am a massive Smiths fan and to see them together on stage again would be the highlight of my dreary life, but I assure you that has nothing to do with my professional opinion.”

At press time, rampant speculation circulated concerning who would show up when Roger Waters and David Gilmour were both invited to Geezer Butler’s annual BBQ.