LONDON — Longtime Rolling Stones manager Joyce Smith finally revealed that she has been deep in a “Weekend at Bernie’s” situation with Keith Richards’ long dead corpse since 1989, sources wondering how she gets him to smoke those cigarettes confirmed.
“Well, when Keith died in the late ‘80s, with a full world tour to promote ‘Steel Wheels’ on the docket, we were all pretty stumped on what to do. But, then I saw some nearby sunglasses, popped them on him, and pointed out that, hell, the alive-and-well Keith didn’t really move around or say much, so Mick and the fellas gave it the thumbs up” said a harried Smith while toggling an elaborate pulley system to make Richards give a thumbs up as well. “I’ll admit, I had a bit of help from the kind people at the Jim Henson Creature Shop with some puppeteering pointers, and also the Lysol corporation for helping keep his stench under control and at least vaguely lemon-scented. It’s a team effort, really, I’m just the one who took the 3-month intensive ventriloquism course.”
Richards’ bandmates were at first apprehensive, but soon admitted to it being just like old times.
“Sure, it took me a gig or two to get used to Ol’ Keithy here always needing to be propped up by a nearby ‘assistant’, but after a while, talking to him was just like talking to Kermit or Grover. You start to ignore whoever’s pulling the strings and are absorbed by the pure magic of this timeless character,” said a beaming Mick Jagger, with his arm around a “napping” Richards. “I don’t mind saying that sometimes I feel closer to this Keith than I ever did when he was breathing oxygen. He’s such a good listener now. Total shit at the guitar though, sad to say. Living beings certainly make better musicians, I can safely say. Thank god for backing tracks.”
No community is more validated by this news than the online music conspiracy theorists who have suspected this for decades.
“I knew it! I would always tell people I could see the little wires moving his hands from fret to fret, but people called me crazy. I caught the head of one of the puppeteers on one of their SNL appearances. Thank god for live TV, the conspiracy theorists only friend,” said Randy Bergens, owner of both the domain names KeithRichardsIsDeadAndInAWeekendAtBerniesSituation.net and KeithRichardsIsAliveAndInAMrsDoubtfireSituation.net, just in case. “Now if only I could get more people onboard with my firm belief that Bob Seger is legally married to a car, I can really feel legitimized.”
At press time, sources still can’t figure out how they make him smoke that cigarette.