LANSING, Mich. — The coat check at the Iron Smelt Theatre was filled almost exclusively with capes during fantasy metal legends Polarian Amulet show, event staff reported while sweeping up prosthetic elf ears.
“For people who put on such airs of adventure and whimsy they sure can cop an attitude when it comes to the handling of their capes,” said coat check attendant Molly Chambers. “Each cape had its own rules that I was somehow supposed to know. One guy threw quartz dust in my eyes for using the wrong velvet gloves while touching his cape. Someone else insisted I steam their sleeveless outer garment every 15 minutes so the hemstitching wouldn’t fray. We’re a coat check, not a museum. The worst was how they only referred to their cape by its proper name. There was no ‘the black one with the red lining,’ only ‘I’ve come to retrieve Lordicai!’ As for tips, I got about a thousand guest passes to the same polycurious magic show.”
One fourth-degree succubus who identified themself only as Xalystra was none too pleased with the cape check service.
“That rube running the operation didn’t know the first thing about capesmanship,” said the longtime fantasy metal fan. “She was hanging capes from feuding mother realms right next to each other. Another time the hood fringe from one cloak got tangled in the neck clasp of another and you could practically see the mana draining from both! Having to explain the obvious difference between a Celtic knot and a Triskelion spiral caused half of us to miss the opening of the show when the band hatches from a dragon egg. Now I’ll never get invited to the backstage virgin sacrifice!”
Veteran hospitality coordinator Patricia Gill was sympathetic of the frustrated concertgoers.
“Coat check failed to honor the cardinal rule of any successful event; know the act! If you’re bringing a band like Polarian Amulet you better believe outlandish outerwear are coming with it,” said Gill. “Patron eccentricity is no excuse for not being prepared to meet their needs. I vividly recall staffing a snake check at a Limp Bizkit concert in Clearwater. It went off without a hitch save for one pit viper we had to put down after throat striking a corndog vendor; you learn to roll with the incidentals.”
At press time, the Iron Smelt Theatre had postponed all future performances while venue personnel worked to cast a summoned demon back to whatever hell it came from.