LANSING, Mich. — Local 72-year-old conservative Gerald Wakowski was on the verge of a complete meltdown after a passerby misgendered his coveted ‘77 Ford Mustang, concerned neighbors have reported.
“I never thought the woke mind virus would come to my driveway until this liberal dipshit walked by and had the gall to insinuate my lovey, beloved Pony was a fucking boy. Does anything about the contours of this waxed up beauty make it look like a man?” said Wakowski. “Does this kid think I’d spend 40 years meticulously greasing gears and waxing the hood if I thought it was a dude? Call me old fashioned but back in my day we knew automatics were girls and stick shifts were boys.”
Wakoski’s new neighbor who made the comment was at a loss as to what could possibly trigger such an aggressive response.
“All I said was ‘look at this bad boy’ when I walked past his car, and next thing I know he comes sprinting out of his garage and starts screaming about his car always being a ‘she’ and that he isn’t a fruitcake. It really sounds like he wants to fuck his car,” said Chris Williams. “Even sadder was seeing his wife behind him with her eyes glazed over, like she’s heard him go on this rant more than a few times. I’d be checked out too if my spouse spent all of his free time fondling an inanimate object.”
While Wakowski’s stance on his vehicle’s assigned gender seemed extreme, experts noted that classic car owners are weirdly attached to them.
“Classic and vintage cars are insured and cared for way different from the ones we drive every day, which is probably why their owners develop a symbiotic relationship with them and in some cases treat them better than their own family members. It’s like when people make those creepy dolls and act like they’re real children,” said State Farm agent Julie Smith. “And believe me, our agents have received more than an earful during claims if we don’t use their Firebird’s preferred pronouns. It’s at a point where we have to include language in our contracts stating they can’t claim their cars as dependents.”
As of press time, Wakowski has spent the last 13 hours assigning genders to everything in his garage before kissing his car goodnight.