Krist Novoselic Still Thinks Kurt Cobain Went to Live on a Farm

Posted on by Sean Fallon

SEATTLE — Former Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic revealed that he still believes Kurt Cobain went to live on a farm, despite passing away in 1994, confirmed sources who didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.

“It was a shock when I first heard it,” said Novoselic at a recent meet-up of bass players at a repurposed dog park. “But then I heard all about the farm and the other musicians and actors and politicians who lived there, and I thought that was a lovely place for Kurt to live. He never really showed any interest in farming or getting close to nature but a change would do him good. At least he’s not doing what David Bowie and Prince are doing and going undercover with the FBI to fight the Yakuza because that sounds dangerous.”

Former bandmate and current Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl was behind the decision to not give Novoselic the bad news and 30 years later he has no regrets.

“After Kurt died it was hard,” said Grohl. “But we all knew Krist would take it particularly badly so we thought screw it, let’s spare him the pain and we told him Kurt had moved to a farm upstate with lots of other singers he could jam with like Janis Joplin, Freddie Mercury, and The Big Bopper. We didn’t think he’d go for it but it made him happy even when we said we weren’t allowed to visit the farm because it’s too far away. The problem was that the farm idea really took root with him and now anyone who dies seems to be going to that same farm. Unless he doesn’t like them of course like Kissinger. Yeah, Kissinger went straight to Hell.”

Child psychologists say that this kind of white lie is perfectly suitable and highly effective when breaking heartbreaking news to bass players.

“A child or even an intelligent animal will eventually see through this kind of ruse,” said Dr. Eleanor Sanders of the American Association for Bass Player Psychology. “However, a bassist can believe and maintain this kind of fantasy indefinitely. We told Peter Hook that Ian Curtis had retired to a desert island after winning the lottery, which he wholeheartedly believed no matter how many interviewers ask him about Curtis’ suicide. As far as he knows, they’re all just jealous spoilsports and he goes home to write another letter to Ian that won’t be answered because he’s too busy learning to surf or whatever fantastic story we feed him.”

At press time, Novoselic revealed that he also believed the conspiracy that Courtney Love was responsible for sending him to the farm.

Photo credit: Joe Mabel

Every The Kills Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Nigel Powers

DO! NOT! EVER! HAVE! SEX! WITH! YOUR! BANDMATES…EVER! This is a basic rule of thumb when it comes to any band formation, regardless of how hot your drummer, guitarist, or singer may even be (bassists need not apply). But what if you thought about giving into those temptations, and while being badass enough to resist, created an entire band around resisting that forbidden fruit? Enter The Kills. Formed in 2001 by singer Allison “VV” Mosshart (who also sang for the swell Florida punk band Discount) and guitarist Jaime “Hotel” Hince and based out of New York City, The Kills would become known for their sultry, spicy and seductive sound that tread between Indie Rock, Blues Rock and just the right amount of electronic beats and programming to appeal to that crowd.

While never chart toppers, The Kills nonetheless found success through licensing (musicians take note), with their songs being used in a variety of TV shows and movies (most notably cinematic masterpieces “Children of Men” and “Gossip Girl”), and it helps to have one of the best Rock’n’Roll singers of the New Millennium in Allison Mosshart and one of music’s most versatile and soulful guitarists in Jaime Hince, who’s playing is instantly recognizable with just one note (A TRUE MARK OF GREATNESS). And that’s saying nothing of the songs themselves, which range from sweet ballads, to flirtatious, fiery rock songs that are both equally captivating. But with all this raw emotion, we must consider reason, which leads us to rank every The Kills’ album from least to most satisfying.

6. Blood Pressures (2011)

Toning down the punk and garage rock influences of prior releases, instead focusing on the Blues-Rock and some Hip-Hop influences, there is a sameness to these songs that detracts from the record as a whole. But that’s ok, every band goes through something of a midlife crisis, and there are worse ways to deal with it than monotony, and you must learn to deal with monotony to grow as a person. But the good ones here are just as good as anything The Kills have ever released, so while it’s not reinventing the wheel, it’s still solid as a record.

Play It Again: “The Last Goodbye”
Skip It: “You Don’t Own the Road”

5. Ash and Ice (2016)

Released in the year of Trump, the fifth Kills album neither breaks new ground or regresses at all, and it’s not a bad record (just like all their other releases), bit it feels too typical for a band who has spent their career being anything but. However, considering the shocking changes that changed the world forever after the death of Harambe that fateful morning at the Cincinnati Zoo, maybe this wasn’t the record we wanted, but the record we needed to ground ourselves from the shitstorm that was about to hit the world of politics and decency, with its typical but safe sound.

Play It Again: “Doing it to Death” (a fine way to go if you ask us)
Skip It: “Days of Why and How”

4. Keep On Your Mean Side (2003)

The Kills pounced onto the music scene in 2003 with this record, and unlike many debut albums, this one sees the band kick things off with their sound fully formed, just like a beast with two backs. But there’s nothing to back down from here, and the record keeps its promise by bringing in straight shooting, bluesy indie rock straight from New York and England, with Jaime Hince bringing that distinctively British Guitar playing back to its American Roots in sort of a reverse British Invasion, while Alison Mosshart expands from her days with Discount to become an absolute force of nature vocalist. A must listen for anyone who is an indie rock lover, this was the album that started it all.

Play It Again: “Fried My Little Brains”
Skip It: “Hand”

Honorable Mention: Little Bastards (2020)

A collection of B-Sides and outtakes, this compilation is actually pretty awesome, with some more experimental tracks when compared to the official releases. Every genre from acoustic, electronic, and everything in between, this album was released during the pandemic, possibly out of generosity, which is itself a form of love. This compilation is a perfect starting point for anyone looking to get into The Kills whether it be for a one-time session of fun, or a dedicated, long-term commitment.

 

 

3. God Games (2023)

Released almost a decade after “Ash and Ice,” and oh boy was this worth the wait. Satisfies like a hookup after a painful dry spell, this album draws from every era of “The Kills” in terms of sound, mood and most importantly, sexiness. Strutting in and giving Derek Zoolander level performance on the catwalk, after a long hiatus, the Kills deliver a “Magnum” opus level performance, and a welcome return after those dry years, and this record is a perfect extension of sounds the band perfected upon their debut.

Play It Again: “103”
Skip It: Unskippable

2. Midnight Boom (2008)

This album is a journey through the gamut of human emotion, and by this point in their career, The Kills had perfected their sound and were performing like two lovers in lockstep. “URA Fever” starts hot and heavy, and the rest of the album keeps that smokey vibe perfect for “Getting Down,” and you just can’t help but boogie to the tunes. While it may be a bit slower than its predecessor, sometimes slower means it’s all the sweeter, and that you should take the time to enjoy it.

Play It Again: “Black Balloon” (just some journalistic bias here, there really are no skips, you can take our word for it)
Skip It: I Would Do Many Things For Love, But I wouldn’t do THAT

1. No Wow (2005)

Originally supposed to be recorded on a MOOG synthesizer which broke right before the recording sessions, Alison and Jaime were forced to rearrange the album as their typically blues-tinted indie rock style to compensate for their technical difficulties. Possibly the best electronic record never made, but for sure it’s one of the best records to come out of the Indie Rock scene of the 2000s, meaner, and tougher than many of the acts, while also just as capable of being vulnerable and sensitive, marking The Kills as not just capable musicians, but lovers as well, and if you dislike this album, we may have to get the guns out, I say again, get the guns out.

Play It Again: Oh Yeah! All of it! That’s the Good Stuff! (especially the first three tracks, “No Wow,” “Your Love is A Deserter,” and “Dead Road 7”)
Skip It: DON’T STOP! OH YES! MORE!

Trump Defense Attorney Grills Former National Enquirer Publisher on Whether or Not Elvis Was Spotted Alive Eating Moon Pies at Tennessee Gas Station

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Former President Trump’s Defense Attorney Emil Bove used his time cross-examining former National Enquirer Publisher David Pecker about whether or not Elvis was spotted alive in Tennessee in 2016, courtroom sources confirmed.

“I remember I was buying groceries and there was an old lady paying by check so it was taking forever. I saw the headline ‘The King Alive, Fatter Than Ever in Tennessee’ on the cover of National Enquirer and needed to know more,” said Emil Bove to reporters after the court adjourned in Trump’s hush money case. “Some of the reporting seemed pretty dubious. It focused a lot on how many moon pies the guy was eating, and talking about how he must be hiding a child bride. I asked Mr. Pecker if everything was triple-sourced and if he stood behind its journalistic integrity because I needed to know if it was actually Elvis. Not knowing the truth has been keeping me up at night.”

Pecker admitted he was surprised by the line of questioning he was subjected to.

“I was expecting a lot of questions about Stormy Daniels, but Mr. Bove spent three hours asking me about Lisa Marie Presley’s latest botched plastic surgery, if Bigfoot is an alien, and whether or not he can meet Bat Boy,” said Pecker. “I do know for a fact that Elvis is still alive, he’s on Ozempic and looks great for an 89-year-old. I actually had dinner with him last month at Charlie Sheen’s house. Lots of people were there, like Sinatra, and the half man, half alligator from the Florida swamps. We had a great time.”

Legal experts believe Bove is being very tactical in his defense of Trump.

“All you need is one member of the jury to side with the former president to get him acquitted. If Mr. Bove continues to confuse everyone with questions about space aliens voting for Bush, Elizabeth Taylor’s husbands, and whether or not OJ Simpson had a wild sexual encounter with ‘Price is Right’ girls they will forget what Trump is even on trial for,” said analyst Aurie Baling. “The only downside to this tactic is the fact that every time Mr. Bove mentions some sort of cryptid the former president chimes in saying something like ‘the Jersey Devil is a nasty woman, very rotund’ and the judge has to warn Mr. Trump to stay quiet.”

At press time, Bove announced he would be calling Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon to the stand next week.

Punk Jam Band Plays Four-Minute Songs

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

UTICA, N.Y. — Local punk band Mellow Mohawks defied genre norms by blending their counter-culture attitude with jam band aesthetics with their lengthy four-minute songs, confused sources report.

“We were too much for the punk scene with songs that stretched on as long as it takes to make microwave popcorn. After getting banned from our local punk venue for playing a ninety-second guitar solo, we decided to take a shot with the jam band scene,” said Dani “Eggman” Brownstein, the band’s lead guitarist. “Getting a gig at a local festival was surprisingly easy. I talked to this old hippie promoter, right? Told him our music ‘transcends the conventional tempo,’ thinking he’d like the sound of it. He was all in, saying we’re like ‘the cosmic bridge between anarchy and peace. Big fan of that descriptor.”

Concertgoer and fan of both genres, Soulshine Haynes, was surprised by the Mohawks’ four-minute songs.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Most bands in this scene would be halfway through their set at three minutes, but these guys single-handedly pushed the genre into never-before-seen territory. Four minutes is like forty-five days in punk song time,” Haynes stated, while twirling absentmindedly, hula-hoop in hand. “Honestly, I’m as impressed as I am confused. I just took some plant medicine, and now I have no jams to guide the spinning of my hoop for the next 45 minutes while the festival sets up the next band.”

Trey Anastasio, guitarist and singer-songwriter for wildly popular jam band Phish, admits he is impressed by what he heard from Mellow Mohawks.

“A lot of people don’t realize I came up in the New Jersey punk scene. I saw the Misfits during their original run and I loved it, but I always wanted more. 90-second songs were such a tease, that really informed what I do with Phish,” said Anastasio during the middle of a 26-minute guitar solo. “Mellow Mohawks are the band I was looking for when I was a teenager. Just imagine what will happen when they settle into their groove. We could be seeing six minute punk songs, the world might not be ready for that.”

At press time, the Mellow Mohawks drummer, lured by the hiss of nitrous oxide tanks, wandered off during the festival and was last seen boarding the Twelve Tribes’ bus.

There’s No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism. That’s Why I Bought This Huge Death Ray

Posted on by Greg Smith

Trying to change the world for the better is tough. Systems in place are designed to maintain the unhealthy status quo. If you truly dedicate yourself to fighting the good fight, feelings of futility are inevitable. “Everything’s bad, so why try at all?”

This may surprise you, but the truth about our systems might help take an unnecessary burden off of you. There is no such thing as “ethical consumption” under the unethical system of capitalism. But we have needs – food, shelter, a huge death ray. And we need to buy them. So why punish ourselves?

Instead, try this reframe: Think less of your buying habits as world-savers but harm reducers. Needing to buy food is inherently wrong, yes, but we do need to. So research a local store run by people in your neighborhood and support them, rather than the mega-corporations.

Similarly, while we all agree that having a gigantic death ray that we use to protect ourselves from pesky neighbors is a basic human need, capitalism makes that service only attainable through money. So I did my diligence: A neighbor at my farmer’s market recommended a mad scientist who makes handcrafted abominations of death, and I reduced the societal harm of capitalism by supporting him economically. Then, he invested that money back into the community by creating a monster out of dead body parts!

And certainly don’t punish yourself for creature comforts. As Emma Goldman said, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be a part of your revolution.” An iced latte, a handmade caftan, a flesh-eradicating death ray pointed at your next-door neighbor’s house – revolution needs joy and rest, and if these items provide that, so be it. In my case, of course, the death ray does provide joy and so I need it. That one wasn’t hypothetical.

Now, let’s shift our focus to climate change. The powers that be paint progress as the result of petty acts of individualism – reusable bags, electric vehicles, meatless Mondays, etc.

But the truth? A handful of billionaires are responsible for the majority of emissions. So does it make more sense to punish yourself for forgetting a reusable bag, or to refocus your energy to macro-level actions? Also, shout out to several billionaires who gave me recommendations on what death ray to buy. And yes, it runs purely on solar power and is carbon neutral (as in it will neutralize the carbon-based life form that lives next door to me if the second his hydrangea grows past my property line.

So to everyone fighting: take care of yourself. Make the best decisions you can. And if you see me zapping my next-door neighbor Carl with my enormous death ray, you are not allowed to be mad at me, because what I am doing is self-care, and it is exactly the same as you ordering diapers on Amazon.

New Biography Reveals “X” Was Name of Elon Musk’s Beloved Childhood Sled

Posted on by Tim Graham

SAN FRANCISCO — The author of an upcoming biography of Elon Musk found evidence suggesting his obsession with the letter X is due to it being the name of his cherished sled from childhood, according to stunned advance readers.

“My research found that as a child, Elon’s favorite possession was a particular plastic sled which was branded with a large, stylized X graphic,” said author Samuel Fisch. “It was a gift from his emerald mine-owning father, Errol. Of course, there was no snow in South Africa, so his father would have truckloads of it brought in for special occasions. Little Elon delighted in zooming down the slopes—that is, until the day his father snatched the sled from him and gave it to the child of a woman he was trying to bed. Musk was heartbroken, and the rest is history.”

The billionaire CEO of SpaceX and X denied the claim, going so far as to accuse the author of defamation.

“The allegation that my affinity for the letter X is somehow tied to a traumatic event involving a favorite sled, which signaled the loss of my childhood innocence and instigated a transformation into a bitter, vindictive, petty narcissist is simply absurd,” said Musk while fidgeting with a snow globe. “Fisch should expect to be served very soon as these sorts of lies shall not stand. I had a perfect childhood and a daddy who loved me very much. I just like the letter X, that’s all. It’s the coolest letter. It’s radical, edgy and extreme. It means all kinds of different things, like multiplication or the number ten.”

Psychologist Amelia Crane says that the sled story sounds plausible, given Musk’s public persona.

“Errol’s rejection of Elon being a catalyst for his transformation into the person he became makes perfect sense,” said Crane while examining a grainy photo of a young Musk and what could be the sled in question. “His behavior as an adult is consistent with someone whose sense of wonder and joy was snatched away at an early age. Everything Musk does seems to scream, ‘Notice me, daddy!’—yet it is in vain, for his father remains distant and detached, instead choosing to spend his time having children with his own stepdaughter.”

At press time, Musk had launched an attack on an unfortunate X user with a name similar to Fisch’s, causing them to receive thousands of death threats from blue check Musk loyalists.

Top 30 ‘90s Songs To Help You Pick a Life Insurance Policy Because Time Stops for No Man

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

The 1990s were filled with Friday night Blockbuster video game rentals, Pizza Hut’s Bigfoot pizza, and the only Woodstock that mattered, but now it’s hard to stay up past 10:30 p.m. and tomato sauce gives you heartburn. If any of this sounds familiar, you probably loved ‘90s music. And what wasn’t to love? The decade had all the best stuff: grunge, the golden era of hip hop, catchy pop, timeless alt rock, Limp Bizkit, and whatever the fuck music the Rusted Root sex commune made. The music is timeless, but you aren’t.

If you were crushed beneath the weight of a freefalling piano on an unassuming city sidewalk tomorrow, what would the dead-eyed weirdos you call a family do? They’d be fucking ruined! Lucky for you, the financial experts at the Hard Times are here to help you plan for the worst because you are a temporary cog in a global financial machine. (Listen to the full playlist)

30. “What’s My Age Again” by Blink-182

Karaoking this song with your friends is a great reminder that “Enema of the State” came out 25 years ago and your partner would have to put your dog down if you missed more than two consecutive weeks of work. Who can afford Beethoven III’s diet of three-skinned rabbits twice a day without a second income? So, what’s your age again? Aren’t you in your 40s? You should’ve taken care of this already because financial planning is so punk rock.

29. “Protect Ya Neck” by Wu-Tang Clan

Once upon a time, Wu-Tang was for the children. Now, Wu-Tang Clan is for the middle-aged suburbanite with 1.5 kids and questionable drinking habits. These Wu-Tang lyrics are a great reminder that you should get that thing on your actual neck checked out. It’s visible from across the room. Listen, we hope it’s nothing, but Josh Birdwell at Farm Bureau Insurance has some great bundles that would also protect your family’s necks.

28. “Mr. Jones” by Counting Crows

Hanging out with Mr. Jones seemed cool when you were in your 20s. Who wouldn’t want a horny, older gentleman to sit at a bar and hit on women with you? Talking to those yellow-haired girls and drinking well vodka was great until one day you realize you’re the same age as Mr. Jones was back in the day and he’s been dead for ten years. Yikes! Aside from Mr. Jones’s inability to form meaningful relationships with people his own age, he had his shit more together than you do. Mr. Jones was a creep, but he occasionally stopped harassing young women in public long enough to get his affairs in order. What’s your deal?

27. “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba

Did you know that even a little alcohol can harm your health? Well, it does, and your idea of fun in ‘97 was having a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, and a cider drink back-to-back-to-back-to-back like some kind of hangover machine. Now that your indiscretions have caught up with you, you’d better start deciding the exact minimum you can pay to make sure your next of kin can narrowly escape poverty without you. Will your favorite bartender be your primary beneficiary or will it be your Uber driver? It’s a tough choice because they’re both such good listeners.

26. “The Perfect Drug” by NIN

And while we’re talking about substance abuse, let’s discuss the perfect policy underwriting for a person that took ecstasy and ate candy bracelets every weekend from 1996-1998. Right now, your body is a temple made of cream cheese and gingivitis, so you should pick a policy that doesn’t require a health screening. This “Lost Highway” soundtrack standout will help you find an insurance company willing to look the other way on your health because the company’s risk assessors can’t see you wearing leather JNCOs right now. And getting insurance isn’t a reason to put on your old mesh tank tops. They make you look like a smoked ham now.

25. “Room a Thousand Years Wide” by Soundgarden

You used to set 10k PRs in your sleep, but now your bedroom feels a thousand years wide when you have to pee in the middle of the night. The toilet feels so far. Who could blame you for peeing just a little bit in your bed? Definitely not Kim Thayil who’s probably an insurance salesman in Seattle now. What else could he be doing? I mean, unless he’s a branch owner/operator–which he could be. Lead guitar work definitely showcases a person’s capacity for management.

24. “The Jam” by A Tribe Called Quest

Hotboxing in a friend’s tinted-out Jetta on a Friday afternoon in the middle of June is no longer something you can do because weed makes you so paranoid you call the police on yourself. Calm the fuck down and listen to this song before you have a heart attack.Try to at least remember for a second that you used to be kinda cool even though you’re afraid to ask a woman wearing a wrinkled khaki power suit what autopay is.

23. “Broken Chairs” by Built To Spill

Did you know that broken chairs cause 17 deaths per year? Well, I actually made that number up, but you can imagine it, right? And now you can’t stop thinking about it, can you? How sturdy is the chair you’re sitting in? If it breaks, will one of the splintered legs go directly up your asshole and then out your belly button? Maybe. Probably not, but also maybe which is exactly why you should stand while looking over your policy options. Plus, your posture needs some work. Stand up straight.

22. “Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)” by Deftones

If you take the long way to the grocery store because you just need a little break from the kids, it’s time to take a hard look at the impermanence of all life on planet Earth. It’s fleeting as fuck, so just pick a life insurance policy and move on. Is there really that big of a difference between them? Who knows. If you play your cards right, maybe you can bundle your auto policy, too. That way you and your family can finally afford to road trip to where members of Deftones grow their medicinal cocaine.

21. “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia

Right now, this song feels like it’s about your lower back. You tried too hard in that rec league soccer game and woke up cold and naked on the floor. That doesn’t seem great for any insurance policy. You’re probably going to need to see a specialist, so find out how much your deductible is and whether or not your doctor will throw in some light butthole surgery while they’re just fishin’ around in there.

20. “Firestarter” by The Prodigy

Structural fires are awesome because they smell cool and reenergize your waning libido. Since you’re too cautious to actually burn a stranger’s house down, listening to this Prodigy classic is the closest you’ll ever get to living out your most erotic fantasy. But in the event that one day this song doesn’t scratch the itch, you should be sure you’re covered because lots of arsonists end up victims of their own kinky crimes.

19. “The Aeroplane Flies High (Turns Left, Looks Right)” by The Smashing Pumpkins

This is the greatest Smashing Pumpkins song you’ve probably never heard. If you don’t pick a policy soon, this one-riff song will be the only nine minutes you don’t feel guilty for making your family use a Coinstar to finance your funeral.

18. “Windowlicker” by Aphex Twin

Nothing was more sexually confusing than seeing the cover of this album for the first time. The same can be said for the underwear movement you had when you realized that your new policy also gets you a discount at the local waterpark. It’s like puberty all over again.

17. “Full Clip” by Gang Starr

Besides being a great era for your hairline, the ‘90s was a golden age for your budding semi-pro skateboarding career. Listening to “Full Clip” hundreds of times helped you learn switch flip back tails which makes it the perfect song to play while you examine every company willing to offer your mustard-filled body life insurance. Gang Starr probably won’t help you pick between companies hoping you’ll pay them more money than they pay you when the wheels finally come off your hideous body, but it can’t hurt, either.

16. “My Name Is Jonas” by Weezer

Your name isn’t Jonas, Suzanne, or Rivers Cuomo, but that shouldn’t stop you from getting an amazing customer service experience. Sure, the agent can smell your infected cheek piercings from across the room and your vegan wayfarer glasses are completely off-putting, but these people are professionals. They can tell you’re serious about providing financial security for the children you see every other weekend unless there’s a good show and one of the opening bands needs a place to crash. They know that you, a person who has forgotten your own social security number, deserves to be treated with respect. These agents also know that it’s irresponsible to be nostalgic for the ‘90s without acknowledging American culture was intensely homophobic, racist, and anti-woman.

Pages: 1 2

Cop Beating the Crap Out of College Student Looking Forward to Two Weeks Paid Vacation

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Local cop Thomas Hannon admitted that he’s excited about his upcoming paid leave of absence once he is disciplined for brutalizing a peaceful protester at Columbia University, slightly jealous sources confirmed.

“This is one of the best parts about being a cop. I get to absolutely wallop a bunch of nerds sitting in a circle with my baton and then as a ‘punishment’ for using ‘excessive force unbecoming of a police officer’ they suspend me for two weeks, with pay,” said Officer Hannon while checking how many Expedia points he has available. “Thankfully everyone is filming this stuff now so people can see that it’s clearly me doing the beating. Sometimes I like to find the cameras and let them know my badge number just to make this easy on my commanding officer.”

Police Captain Arthur Angioni says Hannon is one of many officers who take advantage of the department’s disciplinary protocols.

“This is the time of year when lots of my guys will start choking out turnstile jumpers or pistol-whipping street vendors who don’t have permits. I can’t say I blame them, I’d do the same if I were walking the beat. The hardest part for me is having to pretend I give a shit when I give them a stern talking to and tell thim they are suspended,” said Captain Angioni. “But Officer Hannon is a cut above the rest. I think he’s worked about 15 days in the last two years, he’s always under disciplinary review, getting his full pay. At this point, most of the guys at the station just call him Tommy Bahama because he’s always lounging on the beach.”

Eddie Lincoln, a member of the police watchdog group Civilians For Ethical Policing, says these disciplinary practices just incentivize cops to act worse.

“If you went to your job tomorrow and elbowed Gary from accounting in the chest until he passed out you would probably be fired, but police officers are given endless vacation time on the taxpayer dime,” said Lincoln. “They love having the chance to beat some protesters. They grab their riot gear, quote Steven Seagal movies to each other and then discuss what they are going to do with their time off. But if there is an active shooter at an elementary school they usually hang back as long as possible.”

At press time, Officer Hannon was seen choke-slamming a college freshman after finding cheap airfare to Las Vegas.

Bouncer Casually Lets Giant Wooden Horse Through

Posted on by Peyton Cabral

OMAHA, Neb. — Mason Asghar, the head bouncer at local club Arroz Con Pollster, recently let in an enormous wooden horse without giving it a second thought, shocked and confused bystanders report.

“It seemed cool as hell. It was kind of funny including the dong and I wanted to see if it could wheel inside the doorframe. I’m pretty amazed it did,” said Asghar. “No, no minors could get inside. Do you think a couple of kids could have made that? It was just a cool ass statue, that’s all. You know, the bar has kinda fallen in a bit of a rough patch, so getting this gift could really help us out. Suddenly, we’re not just the bar that only plays LCD Soundsystem music videos on the TVs, you know, now we’re the bar with the giant horse. Think of the social media engagement!”

Clubgoer Julio Randolph was miffed at Asghar’s unorthodox decision.

“I’ve been standing outside this stupid club for three hours, waiting in line just hoping I get in. Then out of nowhere, this massive horse on wheels, had to be twenty feet tall, cuts in line in front of me,” said a visibly irritated Randolph. “I could hear people giggling inside of it, for fuck’s sake. The bouncer guy takes one look at it and lets it in. I come up to the door and the guy says ‘sorry man, I don’t know if you’ll fit inside the building. I just let a giant wooden horse in.’ How am I supposed to react to that?!”

Bartender Leaf Sanchez also seemed disappointed regarding his coworker’s lack of judgement.

“I’ve trusted Mason like a brother. We’re really proud of keeping ACP a safe place for everybody who wants to come here. We’ve put previous art installations in here before and we can’t afford to keep paying off the fire inspectors.” Sanchez sighed as they wiped down the counter. “That horse does look damn cool though. Maybe we can start charging a cover fee for people to get inside it.”

At press time, a mysterious trap door opened from the belly of the sculpture.

Absolutely Tragic: This Woman Blocked a Dude From a Dating Site Moments Before He Was About to Let Her Know That He Was a Pussy Eating Master

Posted on by Dan Rice

From its origins to the modern era, our literature is rife with star-crossed lovers. Helen and Paris from The Iliad. Romeo and Juliet from Shakespeare. “The Notebook” people. Now, from our own interconnected world, comes a story of doomed romance sure to take its place in the annals of human tragedy and resonate through the ages.

A woman on Feeld using the handle Sin_ful_e_Sweet just unmatched with a dude going by JediDick right when he was composing a prose in which he revealed himself as “a master in the fine art of devouring that box.” Jesus wept.

How cruel is this wheel of destiny we are condemned to live in when a woman can so hastily block a potential suitor on a whim—simply for sending and requesting nudes before saying hello—without even knowing she has forever deprived herself of a life-changing cunnilingual odyssey?

The composition, once destined to spark the greatest love affair of our modern era, now exists only as a digital message-in-a-bottle, forever adrift in a lonely sea of pussylessness.

“Yo, let’s see that pussy. Unlike a lot of guys on here, I actually LIKE eating it. I pride myself on being a master in the fine art of eating that box yo😜. Bitches be begging me to stop sometimes, I’m that good. You like my dick? We should hook up, where you at? I can’t host. Where you at? You got nice titties, any topless pics? 420?”

Hades himself could not help but be touched by such prose. These are words that can move boulders, part the seas, inspire revolutions. Alas, they never reached Sin_ful_e_Sweet, and they never will.

Surely the information that she was speaking to none other than the pussy eating master himself, the man who could “tongue box that clit like no other,” would have made her overlook his shitty tattoos, tactless introduction, and dependency on his parents for a place to live well into his 30s. Had DickJedi hit send just a second sooner she might be on her back right now rolling ecstatically in the fields of pussy eating Elysium. Instead, because of a split-second error in judgment, she is forever doomed to a life of actual conversation and subpar pussy eating followed by a lazy backrub.

Our hearts weep for you, Sin_ful_e_Sweet and DickJedi. May the tragedy of your failed coupling serve as a reminder to us all that life is too short to be coy about one’s pussy eating abilities. We implore you to share their story and to update your bio so that people can see your level of pussy eating competence right off the bat.