NEW YORK — Local cop Thomas Hannon admitted that he’s excited about his upcoming paid leave of absence once he is disciplined for brutalizing a peaceful protester at Columbia University, slightly jealous sources confirmed.
“This is one of the best parts about being a cop. I get to absolutely wallop a bunch of nerds sitting in a circle with my baton and then as a ‘punishment’ for using ‘excessive force unbecoming of a police officer’ they suspend me for two weeks, with pay,” said Officer Hannon while checking how many Expedia points he has available. “Thankfully everyone is filming this stuff now so people can see that it’s clearly me doing the beating. Sometimes I like to find the cameras and let them know my badge number just to make this easy on my commanding officer.”
Police Captain Arthur Angioni says Hannon is one of many officers who take advantage of the department’s disciplinary protocols.
“This is the time of year when lots of my guys will start choking out turnstile jumpers or pistol-whipping street vendors who don’t have permits. I can’t say I blame them, I’d do the same if I were walking the beat. The hardest part for me is having to pretend I give a shit when I give them a stern talking to and tell thim they are suspended,” said Captain Angioni. “But Officer Hannon is a cut above the rest. I think he’s worked about 15 days in the last two years, he’s always under disciplinary review, getting his full pay. At this point, most of the guys at the station just call him Tommy Bahama because he’s always lounging on the beach.”
Eddie Lincoln, a member of the police watchdog group Civilians For Ethical Policing, says these disciplinary practices just incentivize cops to act worse.
“If you went to your job tomorrow and elbowed Gary from accounting in the chest until he passed out you would probably be fired, but police officers are given endless vacation time on the taxpayer dime,” said Lincoln. “They love having the chance to beat some protesters. They grab their riot gear, quote Steven Seagal movies to each other and then discuss what they are going to do with their time off. But if there is an active shooter at an elementary school they usually hang back as long as possible.”
At press time, Officer Hannon was seen choke-slamming a college freshman after finding cheap airfare to Las Vegas.