15. “Sunday Morning” by No Doubt
One of the biggest questions of this whole insurance thing is when to do it. When is the best time to pick a new life insurance policy? Sunday morning? NOPE. Statistically, it’s Tuesday at 10:15 a.m. right between coffee and lunch. This song is a great reminder that despite Gwen Stefani’s best efforts, Sundays will always be for hangovers.
14. “Human Behavior” by Björk
There’s a reason Björk is an entertainer and not an insurance agent, and it isn’t because no HR could ever write a dress code capable of containing her. The real problem standing between Björk and insurance superstardom is that she keeps adding her weird-ass lyrics to the policy fine print. The contestability clause of any standard life insurance policy is confusing enough without having to understand why a woman wearing a dress made out of deflated basketballs is standing on her desk singing it to you.
13. “Get It Together” by Beastie Boys, Q-Tip
This song likes to party, and who said insurance doesn’t party? That’s a deficit mindset if you think a trillion-dollar industry doesn’t want to dance to Tip’s verse while you quake in mortal terror hoping you won’t need to use your policy. Of course you will! This existential pyramid scheme is clearly rigged, but you don’t have any other choice if you want the next generation to grab onto a measly portion of monetary wealth that will be almost insignificant in value by the time they receive it!
12. “Army” by Ben Folds Five
You probably should’ve joined the army because you never finished college, started a band, or wrote a screenplay. Being a freelance hot dog artist doesn’t exactly bring fiscal prosperity. Sure, you would’ve been brainwashed and likely guilty of some low-key human rights violations in Iraq, but your family would have more financial security. If you couldn’ve gotten past the war crimes, we wouldn’t be talking about a Hail Mary life insurance policy that will likely cost less than you spend on pizza a month.
11. “Flagpole Sitta” by Harvey Danger
This song became a pop radio hit even though it was about a mental health crisis–which you are likely to have because you’ve treated your mind like a gas station bathroom for the last three decades. So before you lose your shit, be sure to pick a policy with a monthly premium you can afford.
10. “Tommy the Cat” by Primus
“Tommy the Cat” is your secret weapon if you get one of those slick-haired, suit-wearing agents. If you get one iota of overly-professional talk or feel like this man is hard-selling you, break out the Bluetooth speaker and start playing this truly unhinged bass-heavy ditty about a horny cat trying to fuck in O’Malley’s Alley. It’ll remind your agent who’s in charge–him. Why would anyone be playing Primus during such an important conversation about your family’s future?
9. “Sheep Go To Heaven” by Cake
According to Cake, a band fronted by a strange man wearing a bucket hat, sheep go to heaven and goats go to hell. But IF Heaven does exist, you most certainly are not going there. It probably has something to do with all the Ouija boards you played with in the ‘90s. Also, there were some weird animal sacrifices you made to the dark lord, but that was just a bit of fun trying to freak out your parents, right? But if a god does exist, just like the insurance company you go select, you are just another number. When you die, you won’t be missed by the corporation or any supreme entity because both of them were too busy to notice you were alive in the first place.
8. “Busy Child” by The Crystal Method
Seeing “The Matrix” had a profound impact on you, and everyone in this State Farm office it, too. Maybe it’s your black leather duster and sunglasses. Maybe it’s your twin sons Tank and Dozer. But before you have any substantial conversation about what your family will do when you’re finally unplugged from the Matrix, you should find out how seriously they took techno in the ‘90s. You simply cannot trust someone that isn’t willing to groove to the big beats of The Crystal Method or take unmarked pills when you offer them the chance to “wake up”.
7. “Hey Jealousy” by Gin Blossoms
If it wasn’t for this song, you might’ve already wrapped your car around a telephone pole. Say what you will about Gin Blossoms, but “Hey Jealousy” was the most effective sober driving campaign for you which is what you should tell your agent while they’re asking you to sign and date all of their documents. Who needs small talk when you can tell them how a depressing song about showing up drunk at an ex-girlfriend’s house late at night and wistfully discussing committing crime and being chased by the police? It’ll be more fun than discussing the weather, and you’ll hardly notice how much your monthly rates go up at all!
6. “Shook Ones, Pt. II” by Mobb Deep
This is not a song your insurance agent should catch you listening to because the lyrics could raise your rates. If anything, it’s the song you jam on the ride to the office because you are a bad motherfucker that deserves to be taken seriously. Let ‘em know that if they speak the wrong words, sir, their manager will get a strongly-worded email regarding the company’s poor customer-service!
5. “Animal” by Pearl Jam
“1, 2, 3, 4, 5 against 1, 5, 5, 5 against 1,” are the perfect lyrics to help you count your dependents and make sure you have fully accounted for how you’d like them to divvy up the massive $1,257.86 you have in your checking account. Double-checking your math will make sure your loved ones don’t say they’d rather be with an AAAAAAAnnniiimuuuuHHHuuhhhLL!
4. “Karma Police” by Radiohead
These days, mid-tempo, piano rock ballads don’t sound as lame as they used to. Sure, Radiohead used to be music for art school dorks, but it seems kinda nice now. Maybe Thom Yorke was onto something when he said, “I’ve given all I can / It’s not enough / I’ve given all I can / But we’re still on the payroll,” because you will absolutely never be enough for your family no matter what you do–financially or otherwise. The best you can hope for is to keep doing what you love: running into brick walls painted like a tunnel as if you’re a Looney Tunes character to impress 138 YouTube subscribers.
3. “Feel the Pain” by Dinosaur Jr.
Your Beanie Baby and Pog collections are worthwhile collections that are valuable if you enjoy them while you’re alive but not when you’re dead. How would you even sell Pogs? Play some Dinosaur Jr. while you get serious about diversifying your investments. If you’re lucky, you can flip the Beanie Babies and get a case of rosé and a Fender Jaguar. If the insurance thing doesn’t work out, those’ll really be worth something someday. Your kids will thank you for being so savvy.
2. “Serve the Servants” by Nirvana
Remember how sad you were supposed to be when Kurt Cobain died? You were too young to really get it, but for a day, you were the most morose 5th grader in history. And that is exactly why you should be examining your insurance policy benefits as hard or harder than the mint condition copies of “In Utero” on Discogs. Your family shouldn’t have to sell your vinyl collection to pay for your funeral.
1. “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheatus
You have the spirit and intellect of a 17-year-old suburban kid from 1999 and the body of a 61-year-old garbage truck, but someone out there is probably willing to overlook it in exchange for Iron Maiden tickets. Really, it’s a small price to pay to believe you’re still a teenage dirtbag, baby. You graduatedin the early 2000s, dude. You’re an adult, but as long as you take care of the people around you, pretend to be whatever you want, pal.
Getting life insurance requires risk, and there may be side effects. The Hard Times is not liable for the loss of scene cred or the inevitable backnee that comes with having life insurance. Talk with your doctor if you listen to this playlist and feel fleeting bits of nostalgia. This could be a sign of old age. Listen to the full playlist:
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