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Top 30 ‘90s Songs To Help You Pick a Life Insurance Policy Because Time Stops for No Man

The 1990s were filled with Friday night Blockbuster video game rentals, Pizza Hut’s Bigfoot pizza, and the only Woodstock that mattered, but now it’s hard to stay up past 10:30 p.m. and tomato sauce gives you heartburn. If any of this sounds familiar, you probably loved ‘90s music. And what wasn’t to love? The decade had all the best stuff: grunge, the golden era of hip hop, catchy pop, timeless alt rock, Limp Bizkit, and whatever the fuck music the Rusted Root sex commune made. The music is timeless, but you aren’t.

If you were crushed beneath the weight of a freefalling piano on an unassuming city sidewalk tomorrow, what would the dead-eyed weirdos you call a family do? They’d be fucking ruined! Lucky for you, the financial experts at the Hard Times are here to help you plan for the worst because you are a temporary cog in a global financial machine. (Listen to the full playlist)

30. “What’s My Age Again” by Blink-182

Karaoking this song with your friends is a great reminder that “Enema of the State” came out 25 years ago and your partner would have to put your dog down if you missed more than two consecutive weeks of work. Who can afford Beethoven III’s diet of three-skinned rabbits twice a day without a second income? So, what’s your age again? Aren’t you in your 40s? You should’ve taken care of this already because financial planning is so punk rock.

29. “Protect Ya Neck” by Wu-Tang Clan

Once upon a time, Wu-Tang was for the children. Now, Wu-Tang Clan is for the middle-aged suburbanite with 1.5 kids and questionable drinking habits. These Wu-Tang lyrics are a great reminder that you should get that thing on your actual neck checked out. It’s visible from across the room. Listen, we hope it’s nothing, but Josh Birdwell at Farm Bureau Insurance has some great bundles that would also protect your family’s necks.

28. “Mr. Jones” by Counting Crows

Hanging out with Mr. Jones seemed cool when you were in your 20s. Who wouldn’t want a horny, older gentleman to sit at a bar and hit on women with you? Talking to those yellow-haired girls and drinking well vodka was great until one day you realize you’re the same age as Mr. Jones was back in the day and he’s been dead for ten years. Yikes! Aside from Mr. Jones’s inability to form meaningful relationships with people his own age, he had his shit more together than you do. Mr. Jones was a creep, but he occasionally stopped harassing young women in public long enough to get his affairs in order. What’s your deal?

27. “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba

Did you know that even a little alcohol can harm your health? Well, it does, and your idea of fun in ‘97 was having a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, and a cider drink back-to-back-to-back-to-back like some kind of hangover machine. Now that your indiscretions have caught up with you, you’d better start deciding the exact minimum you can pay to make sure your next of kin can narrowly escape poverty without you. Will your favorite bartender be your primary beneficiary or will it be your Uber driver? It’s a tough choice because they’re both such good listeners.

26. “The Perfect Drug” by NIN

And while we’re talking about substance abuse, let’s discuss the perfect policy underwriting for a person that took ecstasy and ate candy bracelets every weekend from 1996-1998. Right now, your body is a temple made of cream cheese and gingivitis, so you should pick a policy that doesn’t require a health screening. This “Lost Highway” soundtrack standout will help you find an insurance company willing to look the other way on your health because the company’s risk assessors can’t see you wearing leather JNCOs right now. And getting insurance isn’t a reason to put on your old mesh tank tops. They make you look like a smoked ham now.

25. “Room a Thousand Years Wide” by Soundgarden

You used to set 10k PRs in your sleep, but now your bedroom feels a thousand years wide when you have to pee in the middle of the night. The toilet feels so far. Who could blame you for peeing just a little bit in your bed? Definitely not Kim Thayil who’s probably an insurance salesman in Seattle now. What else could he be doing? I mean, unless he’s a branch owner/operator–which he could be. Lead guitar work definitely showcases a person’s capacity for management.

24. “The Jam” by A Tribe Called Quest

Hotboxing in a friend’s tinted-out Jetta on a Friday afternoon in the middle of June is no longer something you can do because weed makes you so paranoid you call the police on yourself. Calm the fuck down and listen to this song before you have a heart attack.Try to at least remember for a second that you used to be kinda cool even though you’re afraid to ask a woman wearing a wrinkled khaki power suit what autopay is.

23. “Broken Chairs” by Built To Spill

Did you know that broken chairs cause 17 deaths per year? Well, I actually made that number up, but you can imagine it, right? And now you can’t stop thinking about it, can you? How sturdy is the chair you’re sitting in? If it breaks, will one of the splintered legs go directly up your asshole and then out your belly button? Maybe. Probably not, but also maybe which is exactly why you should stand while looking over your policy options. Plus, your posture needs some work. Stand up straight.

22. “Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)” by Deftones

If you take the long way to the grocery store because you just need a little break from the kids, it’s time to take a hard look at the impermanence of all life on planet Earth. It’s fleeting as fuck, so just pick a life insurance policy and move on. Is there really that big of a difference between them? Who knows. If you play your cards right, maybe you can bundle your auto policy, too. That way you and your family can finally afford to road trip to where members of Deftones grow their medicinal cocaine.

21. “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia

Right now, this song feels like it’s about your lower back. You tried too hard in that rec league soccer game and woke up cold and naked on the floor. That doesn’t seem great for any insurance policy. You’re probably going to need to see a specialist, so find out how much your deductible is and whether or not your doctor will throw in some light butthole surgery while they’re just fishin’ around in there.

20. “Firestarter” by The Prodigy

Structural fires are awesome because they smell cool and reenergize your waning libido. Since you’re too cautious to actually burn a stranger’s house down, listening to this Prodigy classic is the closest you’ll ever get to living out your most erotic fantasy. But in the event that one day this song doesn’t scratch the itch, you should be sure you’re covered because lots of arsonists end up victims of their own kinky crimes.

19. “The Aeroplane Flies High (Turns Left, Looks Right)” by The Smashing Pumpkins

This is the greatest Smashing Pumpkins song you’ve probably never heard. If you don’t pick a policy soon, this one-riff song will be the only nine minutes you don’t feel guilty for making your family use a Coinstar to finance your funeral.

18. “Windowlicker” by Aphex Twin

Nothing was more sexually confusing than seeing the cover of this album for the first time. The same can be said for the underwear movement you had when you realized that your new policy also gets you a discount at the local waterpark. It’s like puberty all over again.

17. “Full Clip” by Gang Starr

Besides being a great era for your hairline, the ‘90s was a golden age for your budding semi-pro skateboarding career. Listening to “Full Clip” hundreds of times helped you learn switch flip back tails which makes it the perfect song to play while you examine every company willing to offer your mustard-filled body life insurance. Gang Starr probably won’t help you pick between companies hoping you’ll pay them more money than they pay you when the wheels finally come off your hideous body, but it can’t hurt, either.

16. “My Name Is Jonas” by Weezer

Your name isn’t Jonas, Suzanne, or Rivers Cuomo, but that shouldn’t stop you from getting an amazing customer service experience. Sure, the agent can smell your infected cheek piercings from across the room and your vegan wayfarer glasses are completely off-putting, but these people are professionals. They can tell you’re serious about providing financial security for the children you see every other weekend unless there’s a good show and one of the opening bands needs a place to crash. They know that you, a person who has forgotten your own social security number, deserves to be treated with respect. These agents also know that it’s irresponsible to be nostalgic for the ‘90s without acknowledging American culture was intensely homophobic, racist, and anti-woman.

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