The long wait is finally over. Football is back. This is the year your team will go all the way, all they need is a few lucky bounces, consistency, and to make sure their kicker isn’t devoured in a strange barnyard accident that the country’s top investigators won’t be able to explain.
To get you excited for the season we compiled our definitive rankings of each NFL kicker based on how likely it is they will become horse food.
(At the time of writing this list the Los Angeles Rams had not signed a kicker)
31. Justin Tucker Baltimore Ravens
The Baltimore kicker is the all-time best to ever do it. If a hungry horse came at Tucker he could just swing that foot and basically make the horse explode on impact. Let this be a warning to all horses, stay away from Justin Tucker or your guts will be booted halfway to Atlanta.
30. Nick Folk Tennessee Titans
Folk has been around the game for a long time. His skills might be declining on the field, but he’s a crafty veteran who can use his football knowledge to avoid most horse-relate injuries. Whether it’s keeping the horse at bay with a pitchfork, or simply grabbing a salt lick. Folk is a safe bet.
29. Greg Zuerlein New York Jets
Another veteran of the sport. Greg “The Leg” originally got his nickname after he booted a football 65 yards and knocked out a horse that was attacking a small child. Horses around the world know it’s best not to test him.
28. Younghoe Koo Atlanta Falcons
In 2019 while Koo was a kicker for the Atlanta Legends in the AAF he was attacked by a horse in the middle of a game. Thankfully freelance horse wranglers were in attendance and saved Koo from severe injury, but since then he’s been trained in horse-specific self-defense.
27. Evan McPherson Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals kicker is one of the few NFL players that has openly admitted to beating the crap out of multiple horses, offering no explanation outside of “I just like doing it.” His aggressiveness towards the majestic beasts makes him a safe bet to make it through the season without being eaten by a horse.
26. Graham Gano New York Giants
Another veteran with lots of experience avoiding horse attacks. Gano has a special clause in his contract that assures any team he plays for provides three sharpshooters trained to take down any horses that come within 100 feet of him.
25. Harrison Butker Kansas City Chiefs
The defending Super Bowl champs don’t have much to worry about. Butker is not only an excellent kicker but is also a certified Horse Whisperer. It is rumored he is so good at the practice that he convinced a young Appaloosa to rob a 711.
24. Cairo Santos Chicago Bears
Santos is the only player in the NFL legally allowed to carry a gun on him at all times. If the Bears win the Super Bowl (They won’t) he will be strapped while meeting President Biden. Nobody knows why he carries the gun, but horses better take heed.
23. Jason Sanders Miami Dolphins
Playing in Miami has certain advantages, one of those is easy access to all sorts of cocaine. Sanders knows this, horses know this, and that means all animals are more likely to want to party with him. There is an unwritten rule in the animal kingdom that states “You never eat your cocaine supplier.”
22. Daniel Carlson Las Vegas Raiders
If the Raiders still played in Oakland there is an 85% chance Carlson would be attacked by multiple horses over the course of the season. The amount of players the Raiders lost to horse attacks was one of the key reasons they moved. He is much safer in Vegas where horses are too busy gambling.
21. Brandon McManus Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jaguars facility is famous for having multiple actual jaguars roam their facility. The apex predators scare away nearly all horses and other livestock but are known to attack players during warm-ups.
20. Tyler Bass Buffalo Bills
Bass is relatively safe from horses thanks to the wild antics of tailgating Bills fans. Most animals with any concept of logic avoid the Highmark Stadium parking lot at all costs because it is where humanity shows just how low it can sink.
19. Jake Elliott Philadelphia Eagles
When the Eagles beat the Patriots in Super Bowl LII fans took to the streets of Philadelphia and proudly started eating horse shit. This actually built up a good amount of goodwill with local horses and anyone associated with the Eagles franchise.
18. Jake Moody San Francisco 49ers
Horses can no longer afford to live in the Bay Area, the few horses that remain are busy working 3 jobs in order to stay afloat and have very little time to attack kickers. Especially since the stadium moved all the way to Santa Clara.
17. Brandon Aubrey Dallas Cowboys
Most horses root for America’s team. It’s tough to say why since the team has been disappointing for over 25 years. But they remain loyal and chances are the Cowboys’ rookie kicker won’t be dismembered by a group of Clydesdales.
16. Chase McLaughlin Tampa Bay Buccaneers
McLaughlin has had to apologize for tweets he made in high school where he called horses “The most worthless farm animals” and “Too stupid to ever eat me.” It’s tough to say whether his apology worked or not, time will tell.
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