SEATTLE — Former Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic revealed that he still believes Kurt Cobain went to live on a farm, despite passing away in 1994, confirmed sources who didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.
“It was a shock when I first heard it,” said Novoselic at a recent meet-up of bass players at a repurposed dog park. “But then I heard all about the farm and the other musicians and actors and politicians who lived there, and I thought that was a lovely place for Kurt to live. He never really showed any interest in farming or getting close to nature but a change would do him good. At least he’s not doing what David Bowie and Prince are doing and going undercover with the FBI to fight the Yakuza because that sounds dangerous.”
Former bandmate and current Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl was behind the decision to not give Novoselic the bad news and 30 years later he has no regrets.
“After Kurt died it was hard,” said Grohl. “But we all knew Krist would take it particularly badly so we thought screw it, let’s spare him the pain and we told him Kurt had moved to a farm upstate with lots of other singers he could jam with like Janis Joplin, Freddie Mercury, and The Big Bopper. We didn’t think he’d go for it but it made him happy even when we said we weren’t allowed to visit the farm because it’s too far away. The problem was that the farm idea really took root with him and now anyone who dies seems to be going to that same farm. Unless he doesn’t like them of course like Kissinger. Yeah, Kissinger went straight to Hell.”
Child psychologists say that this kind of white lie is perfectly suitable and highly effective when breaking heartbreaking news to bass players.
“A child or even an intelligent animal will eventually see through this kind of ruse,” said Dr. Eleanor Sanders of the American Association for Bass Player Psychology. “However, a bassist can believe and maintain this kind of fantasy indefinitely. We told Peter Hook that Ian Curtis had retired to a desert island after winning the lottery, which he wholeheartedly believed no matter how many interviewers ask him about Curtis’ suicide. As far as he knows, they’re all just jealous spoilsports and he goes home to write another letter to Ian that won’t be answered because he’s too busy learning to surf or whatever fantastic story we feed him.”
At press time, Novoselic revealed that he also believed the conspiracy that Courtney Love was responsible for sending him to the farm.
Photo credit: Joe Mabel