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Punk Jam Band Plays Four-Minute Songs

UTICA, N.Y. — Local punk band Mellow Mohawks defied genre norms by blending their counter-culture attitude with jam band aesthetics with their lengthy four-minute songs, confused sources report.

“We were too much for the punk scene with songs that stretched on as long as it takes to make microwave popcorn. After getting banned from our local punk venue for playing a ninety-second guitar solo, we decided to take a shot with the jam band scene,” said Dani “Eggman” Brownstein, the band’s lead guitarist. “Getting a gig at a local festival was surprisingly easy. I talked to this old hippie promoter, right? Told him our music ‘transcends the conventional tempo,’ thinking he’d like the sound of it. He was all in, saying we’re like ‘the cosmic bridge between anarchy and peace. Big fan of that descriptor.”

Concertgoer and fan of both genres, Soulshine Haynes, was surprised by the Mohawks’ four-minute songs.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Most bands in this scene would be halfway through their set at three minutes, but these guys single-handedly pushed the genre into never-before-seen territory. Four minutes is like forty-five days in punk song time,” Haynes stated, while twirling absentmindedly, hula-hoop in hand. “Honestly, I’m as impressed as I am confused. I just took some plant medicine, and now I have no jams to guide the spinning of my hoop for the next 45 minutes while the festival sets up the next band.”

Trey Anastasio, guitarist and singer-songwriter for wildly popular jam band Phish, admits he is impressed by what he heard from Mellow Mohawks.

“A lot of people don’t realize I came up in the New Jersey punk scene. I saw the Misfits during their original run and I loved it, but I always wanted more. 90-second songs were such a tease, that really informed what I do with Phish,” said Anastasio during the middle of a 26-minute guitar solo. “Mellow Mohawks are the band I was looking for when I was a teenager. Just imagine what will happen when they settle into their groove. We could be seeing six minute punk songs, the world might not be ready for that.”

At press time, the Mellow Mohawks drummer, lured by the hiss of nitrous oxide tanks, wandered off during the festival and was last seen boarding the Twelve Tribes’ bus.