MANCHESTER, England — Ex-Smiths bandmates Morrissey and Johnny Marr were spotted in close proximity of one another at the Oxford Road Tesco Express despite almost intentionally avoiding eye contact with each other, sources hoping for an impromptu reunion confirmed.
“I was gobsmacked,” said Mancunian Nigel Atkinson, who was shopping at the time the two rock legends showed up. “There I was, considering tins of kippers, when who should walk down the aisle but Johnny Fucking Marr. And if that weren’t enough, from my other side comes the man himself, Steven Patrick Morrissey. I was hoping to witness a Marr-Moz reconciliation there in my own Tesco. But the two acted as though they didn’t see each other and passed in silence. Gutted, I was. Shame them coupla twats can’t mend fences.”
Guitarist Johnny Marr admits he saw the former Smiths singer in the shop, but purposefully ignored him.
“I’ve given up on the minger,” said Marr while tossing darts at a “Bona Drag” poster. “Each time I extend the olive branch, that obstinate prat dredges up some ancient grievance and sends the whole thing tumbling again. Aye, I saw his royal majesty coming up the aisle with his trolley full of kale. I pretended not to notice him, picked out a jar of brown sauce and moved along. I did catch a nauseating whiff of Brylcreem as I passed, which is a scent I now abhor given the associations I have with it. To hell with him and his wilting pompadour.”
Margaret Dunwich, relationship therapist and author of “Oh Shit, I Think That’s My Ex,” sees parallels between ex-romantic partners and bandmates who split acrimoniously.
“Morrissey and Marr are acting similarly to former lovers: holding grudges, avoiding each other in public and disparaging each other with gossip,” said Dunwich. “My advice to them would be to bury the hatchet. They should meet for a pint and have a cordial chat. Maybe even broach the idea of getting the band back together, eh? In the interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I am a massive Smiths fan and to see them together on stage again would be the highlight of my dreary life, but I assure you that has nothing to do with my professional opinion.”
At press time, rampant speculation circulated concerning who would show up when Roger Waters and David Gilmour were both invited to Geezer Butler’s annual BBQ.