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We Sat Down With the Insane Clown Posse Because They’re on the Admissions Board for Clown College

Insane Clown Posse: the jester-kings of the proudly unwashed. While we have long been fans of the acclaimed horrorcore duo, we have never been able to take the time to really speak with Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope outside of the occasional passing pleasantry on the days when we both have to be in court for some bullshit.

Imagine our delight when, upon finally pulling the trigger on our lifelong dream of attending clown college, we came to find out that two of the insaniest clowns we’d love to know would be prominently present on our admissions board. “What a treat!” we thought. Not only would we get a chance to finally bail out of this internet punk news racket and get into where the real money is, performing at children’s birthday parties, but we’d also be able to get to know our soon-to-be-mentors in the scope of professional clowning.

But holy butt-sucking-crap! Those guys are real intense sticklers about the finer points of being an educated clown.

We figured they might give us some leeway considering we come from an adjacent scene to theirs. But as soon as Violent J chucked a handful of uninflated balloon animals at us and screamed that we had “three minutes to build a working ferris wheel or [he was] gonna inflate all of them inside of [our] ass” we knew we were in over our heads.

Seriously, we only had hopes of improving ourselves moderately and discovering a new trade that we feel compliments our inherent need for attention as well as our deeply ingrained penchant for the dramatic arts. If we had known that clown college would be such a cutthroat slog then we would have just stayed in business school. We’d still be miserable but at least that way our fathers would be proud of us.

Things came to a head when we were asked what we hoped to achieve with our clowning degree. Apparently “bring joy and wonderment to the children of the world” is the least acceptable answer they’ve ever heard because that’s when Shaggy 2 Dope pulled out a length of rusty bike chain and threatened to “beat the Redpop Faygo” out of us unless we got the hell out of their lecture hall.

So it would appear that clown college just isn’t in the cards for us. Such a shame, but maybe we could ask the guys from Slipknot if they have any leads on a seasonal haunted house that could use any extras.