MENLO PARK, Calif — Facebook parent company Meta launched what it describes as its “most powerful Facebook profile picture filter yet” in a bid to support Ukraine amidst the ongoing Russian invasion, confirmed multiple soon-to-be-laid-off employees.
“With the tide of the ongoing war in Ukraine sadly going in Russia’s favor, we feel like our previous efforts needed an overhaul,” said Meta spokesman Andy Stone. “With this filter, we have some features never seen before in a socially conscious profile picture. Right off the bat, we made the blues and yellows much deeper on the flag. That’s not nothing. I mean these are VERY blue and yellow. Then, we’ve added a QR code to every profile that utilizes the filter that will lead you to a YouTube tutorial on how to properly pronounce ‘Volodomyr Zelesnkyy.’
“Then there’s the robust artificial intelligence we’ve programmed. With an upload of their likeness, the user can be posed in solidarity with 15 pop culture options that include ‘Paw Patrol,’ the Minions from ‘Despicable Me,’ and the cast of History Channel’s ‘Pawn Stars,’ all reflecting somber reflection in the face of the brutality of war,” Stone added.
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer admits he was moved by Meta’s commitment to the people of Ukraine.
“This is really inspiring, I immediately changed my profile photo so I could show my support for the brave men and women fighting on the frontlines,” said Senator Schumer. “Further, this is one of the only times I’ve seen support from both sides of the aisle for this initiative. It’s also the largest aid package the United States can offer Ukraine right now, and we feel confident in its efficacy. I mean it’s the least we could do. The very least.”
Dr. Oleksandar Archaki, administrator of City Hospital No .1 in Kyiv reacted strongly to the filter.
“I’m sorry, the fuck did you say? A facebook filter? This is what we were told we should be patient for? I’ve got one nurse per 50 patient beds. A lot of us are on our third or fourth day without sleep working around the clock.” Dr. Archaki yelled, clutching a cigarette with an inch long ash. “No but seriously, thank you. Our people will be so relieved. Maybe we can print out one of your AI pictures of you assholes and Dr. Frasier Crane and eat that when our food supplies run out.”
As of press time, Meta promised this was just the beginning, a special edition of Beat Saber honoring Palestine and soundtracked by a remix of Aaron Bushnell’s last recorded words is set to be released later in the week.