Press "Enter" to skip to content

Struggling Book Publishing Industry Pressures God to Write Third Bible

NEW YORK — Executives from The Big Five book publishers launched a coordinated effort to boost sales by pressuring the universe’s creator, and once prominent author, to write a third installment of the Bible, sources confirmed.

“It’s no secret that the publishing industry has seen better days. With e-readers and audiobooks growing in popularity, we’ve seen a steady decline in sales of physical media,” said HarperCollins CEO Brian Murray. “We decided it was finally time to reach out to God and make an offer. I’ll be honest, they were pretty upset when we contacted them. So much so that they caused an earthquake in New York. Eventually cooler heads prevailed when we pitched them on ‘The Newest Testament’ which will pick up right where the New Testament ends. It’s been 2,000 years, Jesus must be up in heaven with some new wisdom, let’s get that in a book and on shelves in Barnes and Noble by Christmas, people will flip for it.”

Christians around the globe were excited about the prospect of a new Bible.

“I’ll be honest, I could never really get into God’s earlier work. It’s all translated from a dead language, and I just want something a bit more digestible. Don’t get me wrong, I love the message, but I could do without all the foreskin talk and maybe skip the rape stuff as well. Also, if God could write this next Bible in modern English that would be a huge relief,” said Gloria Emmers. “I’d really like to know what God thinks of current American politics, which races and ethnicities I’m currently allowed to dislike as a Christian, and maybe if any more plagues are coming.”

Formerly proficient writer George RR Martin says executives also contacted him about finishing “The Winds of Winter.”

“These suits think that writing is easy. Did you know it took God nearly four billion years to write the Old Testament? It’s true, and it’s because God was busy creating a world, which is exactly what I’m doing on a day-to-day basis, so it’s insulting when people call me lazy for taking ten years,” said Martin from his New Mexico home. “This isn’t easy. If you want everything rushed, and a bunch of bad ideas slapped together then just go watch the final season of ‘Game of Thrones’ and tell me how much you loved that. Quit sending me letters, I’m sick of it.”

Representatives for God say the all powerful deity is mulling over options about the new book, but is excited to announce they are releasing a new limited podcast breaking down the movies of the “Fast and Furious” franchise.