DAYTON, Ohio — The recently announced 20 Years of Tears tour featuring emo legends Hawthrone Heights, Thursday, and Saosin will sell VIP tickets that include exclusive access to leave early in order to beat traffic, confirmed sources.
“The target audience for this tour is people who now fall asleep at 8:30 p.m. on a Friday after drinking half of a beer, so this sort of promotion was a no-brainer move,” said tour organizer Dave Bremerton. “Exclusive access includes admission to one of several hidden tunnels that lead directly to the premium parking spots in the parking lot as well as backstage access in order to exit through the rear of the building. Tickets start at a very affordable $50, with additional Ticketmaster fees bringing it to roughly $250. It’s a small price to pay to be able to seamlessly leave halfway through because you’re feeling drowsy from the crowds now that you consider yourself more of an introvert as you get older so large groups of people really drain your internal battery.”
Fans couldn’t wait to get their hands on the VIP experience.
“The minute I heard about all of my favorite bands from two decades ago teaming up to tour, I couldn’t wait to leave the show early,” said 38-year-old Jesse McGovern before asking his wife if she’s seen his white belt anywhere. “The problem with shows nowadays is that everyone wants to leave midway through, which creates a logjam at the exits and therefore cancels out the ability to beat the traffic. These VIP tickets finally solve the issue of me not wanting to be at a show that I paid to be at as well as not wanting any obstacles on my drive home.”
Music historians believed this was only the beginning of modern tours.
“These mega tours are continuously adapting to the interests of aging showgoers,” said music journalist Jenn Holongrow. “As an example, for the current stadium tour featuring Green Day, Smashing Pumpkins, and Rancid, the back rows are surprisingly way more expensive than the front because aging fans want to be near the exits, so it’s not a whole thing when they leave early. These distant seats have been selling out first too. Front row seats can go as low as five bucks because of how loud it is and the fact no one wants to have to walk so far in order to leave.”
At press time, organizers of 20 Years of Tears announced they have sold out of VIP tickets, but still have “meet and greet” tickets available for those who want to meet a security guard that can tell them the quickest way out of the venue to the parking lot.