Former Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Appears in Court Shirtless for Sex Trafficking Charges

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – Distractions abounded in federal court after longtime former Abercrombie and Fitch CEO Mike Jefferies appeared before a judge oiled up and shirtless in a pair of jeans during arraignment on sex trafficking charges, court reporters have confirmed.

“I’ve seen some brazenly dumb stunts unfold before a judge but this takes the cake. I’m assuming he believed the judge would be impressed by his naked torso and overpriced jeans as if this were a mall in 2003, however it’s not the look you want to present when you’re being accused of tricking young men into prostitution,” said Michael Schwartz. “It also didn’t help that the cologne Mr. Jefferies was flirting with the stenographer, and he was nearly found in contempt because he kept oiling up his nipples. I wouldn’t want to be the Marshall who has to extradite him to New York City tomorrow.”

Jefferies’ attorney denied any wrongdoing by his client.

“While we are taking these allegations very seriously, there’s been a huge misunderstanding. The fact that my client looks and acts like a high school bully who’s never been held accountable and openly won’t wear shirts in public doesn’t mean he is using that lifestyle to coerce young men into interstate sex rings in exchange for modeling contracts. I’m sure you can see how the two are conflated,” said Frank Laggio. “I told the judge Mr. Jefferies’ shirtless look was him merely living the A&F values, which in hindsight probably didn’t help and is why the bail was set to $10 million. Maybe I should’ve at least given him my tie.”

Anti-sex trafficking advocates pointed out that Jefferies’ charges were not surprising.

“Jefferies appearing sans shirt, even in federal court, is proof enough that these executives are brazenly depraved. Have you ever been in an Abercrombie, Zara, or Hollister where you didn’t feel like you were about to be groped?” said Ally Williams. “This is a great day for justice and for exposing the dangerous world of douchebag clothing chains. One day you think you’re going to be modeling in front of a clothing store across from Auntie Anne’s, the next you’re tricked into giving a lap dance to some asshole hedge fund manager. I just hope the people he hurt can finally get a sense of peace.”

As of press time, court recessed for the day after Jefferies doused himself in Abercrombie’s signature “Fierce” fragrance, causing a mass evacuation of the courthouse.

Every Immortal Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Immortal has no bad albums and in many ways they are the total package. They’ve been around long enough to have real cred. They’re from the Norwegian Black Metal scene, but they somehow avoided all the messed up shit from that world. Their imagery is cool. Their sound is familiar but unique. Abbath’s “evil Popeye” vocals are iconic. And the vast majority of their songs take place in a fantasy realm called Blashyrkh. What’s not to love? So slap on some leather and corpse paint, and join us on this journey. Or as the band (probably) says, “Hi, we’re Immortal. This is a ranking of our albums by the award-winning satire site, The Hard Times. Very Cool!” Classic Immortal.

10. All Shall Fall (2009)

You know that guy at your job that sucks, and nobody is nice to him, probably because he sucks, but because nobody is nice to him, he sucks more? That’s this album. It’s not great, but there’s plenty to like. And we definitely get the feeling that people think it sucks because other people say it sucks. Because guess what? It doesn’t suck. It’s not anywhere near their best, but after giving a few re-listens, we gotta say there are some real bangers on this. Its biggest flaw is that it followed “Sons of Northern Darkness”. And as anyone who has tried to read anything else after reading a Hard Times article can attest: it’s hard to follow genius.

Play it again: “Hordes to War”
Skip it: “Unearthly Kingdom” feels like a worse version of a much better song we’ve heard on several of their other albums

9. Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism (1992)

Look, there’s always gonna be controversial takes in album rankings. We know most folks were probably assuming a different album would be in this spot, but sorry friends: “Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism” gets the second-fewest re-listens over at HTHQ. It’s cool to see where a band started and the early ’90s trve kvlt black metal production is fun, but it’s just not an album we come back to that much. When you hear songs from this album on their live material it makes it even more clear: this album had a time and a place, but Immortal is best when they are loud and don’t sound like they are being recorded at the end of a very long hallway, over FaceTime.

Play it again: “Unholy Forces of Evil” and “The Call of the Wintermoon”
Skip it: “Intro” and “A Perfect Vision of the Rising Northland”

8. Northern Chaos Gods (2018)

Honestly we can’t believe an album without Abbath works this well. But this album is great. We’re sad our Norwegian Black Metal Parents, Demonaz and Abbath couldn’t work out their differences, but it turns out, staying at dad’s place is pretty rad. Yeah, mom has put out three solid albums on her own, but we always knew she’d be ok. It was dad we were always worried about. I mean he literally hadn’t ever done vocals for Immortal before. Not to mention he hadn’t done anything in the band besides write lyrics since “Blizzard Beasts.” But “Northern Chaos Gods” proves we don’t need to worry about him, because dad is gonna be ok. And just because they’re your parents, doesn’t mean you don’t worry about them.

Play it again: “Into Battle Ride” and “Northern Chaos Gods”
Skip it: there is absolutely no reason for “Mighty Ravendark” to be 9 minutes long

7. Battles of the North (1995)

More like “Battles of Trying to Not Rip Our Skin-Tight Pants While Squatting” am I right?!?!? For real though, the squats are impressive. Low squats, in the snow, is bold move. And they are in either leather or jeans. And as previously mentioned, that shit is tight. This was ’95. The stretchy jean fabric that Old Navy uses now was definitely not around yet. I suppose they are leaning on their guitars. So they have support. But still, all I can think about is their knees. Anyways, pretty good album.

Play it again: “At the Stormy Gates of Mist”
Skip it: “Blashyrkh (Mighty Ravendark)”

6. Blizzard Beasts (1997)

This album sounds like absolute shit. Which probably seems counterintuitive to its ranked number. Especially considering “Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism” is as low as it is due in no small part to the production. But something about this sounds right. I don’t know. It’s Dunkin. It’s garbage. But goddamn, we love it. And those pumpkin donuts? Get the fuck outta here. We’re all in. And the fact that this album clocks in under an half hour doesn’t hurt. It’s loud, fuzzy,
and cold and over quicker than an episode of “Only Murders in the Building.” What’s not to love?

Play it again: “Nebular Ravens Winter” and “Blizzard Beasts”
Skip it: “Mountains of Might” is almost 7 minutes long throws the whole vibe of the album off

5. War Against All (2023)

If “Northern Chaos Gods” is Immortal’s “we think dad we’ll be ok after the divorce” album, “War Against All” is dad thriving in his bachelor pad. This album has no business being as solid as it is. It still takes a few to get used to Demonaz’s vocals, but effing A, the jams are solid on this album. It’s honestly what we want in an Immortal album. Not to mention “Nordlandihr” is a 7 minute instrumental track that… works? So confusing. The only really downside to this album is it makes us wish that Abbath and Demonaz could work it out. Two guitars? Both doing vocals? Tell me that album isn’t on everyone’s top 5 the year it comes out. Tell me. I dare you. You can’t. And you shan’t. And you won’t. So don’t.

Play it again: “No sun” and “Thunders of Darkness”
Skip it: “Wargod”

4. Pure Holocaust (1993)

Imagine being a Norwegian Black Metal band, not being one of the racist ones, and then deciding to name your album: “Pure Holocaust.” Fucking yikes. The title is using the word in its common noun form, which basically means devastation. And “Pure Devastation” absolutely fits for this album. It’s fast and intense and loud. It’s miles better than their debut, which nailed the vibe, but lacked the songwriting, technical skill and production this album excels on. While it’s in their top 5, we’re not as taken by the this as some folks are. But it’s still a killer album in a discography of killer albums. It’s just rough when someone asks what album you’re playing and you gotta explain that “Pure Holocaust” somehow isn’t actually as offensive as it sounds.

Play it again: “Frozen by Icewinds” and “The Sun No Longer Rises”
Skip it: “As Eternity Opens”

3. Damned in Black (2000)

This catches a lot of shit for no good reason. People complain about it being unexceptional, but that’s only because it’s sandwiched by the band’s two best albums. It’s not a super wild take to think that the ’99-’02 era of Immortal is the best era. But way too many people ignore this album. Like any good second part in a trilogy, it is given the most free rein to go bananas. It’s so… metal. Like, METAL metal. No hyphenates. I mean all the hyphenates are there, but there are elements of power metal, and thrash and stuff. Look, you get what we’re saying. Its a great album that gets overlooked but shouldn’t be. Give it a re-listen.

Play it again: “Wrath from Above” and “Damned in Black”
Skip it: no skips

2. At the Heart of Winter (1999)

This album was the sea change for Immortal. When it was released, it was the longest Immortal album and also had the shortest tracklist. It’s also the first album to not feature the band on the cover. It’s also arguably the album where the band began to be taken seriously by the metal community as a whole. This album is the metal equivalent of going on a makeover show and having it actually really work. But not some bullshit makeover where you don’t look anything like yourself. One of those shows where they point out what really works about the style you already have. Because reality is: you’re hot. You just needed a someone else to help see how hot you are. But now that you know, you’re definitely gonna hook up with coworker who always flirts with you.

Play it again: The album works best as a complete piece, butthe opening riff and chord changes of “Solarfall” should be on repeat
Skip it: no skips

1. Sons of Northern Darkness (2002)

Not only is this album the band’s best album, it’s an all-time metal album. Every part of it. The songwriting, the riffs, the lyrics, the cover art. It is a classic in every way. It also encapsulates what is so appealing about Immortal. It’s got the feel, aesthetic and background of black metal, but the lyrics are like weird sort of fantasy lyrics. It’s also thrashy. And you can’t shake the fact that it all feels a little silly. But in a way that the band is in on. They take that corpsepaint shit seriously. But also they kinda seem like they wanna party. That’s a good mix. That’s like getting a Friendly’s grilled cheese AND a Cone Head. And if you don’t like Friendly’s, you can go fuck yourself. Immortal says so.

Play it again: front to back.
Skip it: no skips. How dare you even ask!??

Dead Punk’s Will Mostly Just Giving Friends Back the Stuff He Stole From Them

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BALTIMORE — Recently deceased punk Cary Lowery’s will primarily consisted of returning the stolen property he took from his closest friends over the years, confirmed sources who were wondering where their beloved possessions went.

“[Lowery] was notorious for both his contributions to the punk scene and his habit of sort-of borrowing things without returning them,” said friend and mourner Valerie Shelton after she was willed her own turntable. “I just figured he pawned it. But nah, turns he actually kept it the whole time. Just goes to show you that you don’t really know people as well as you might think. I also got back a pack of cigarettes he took from me last week, though it was empty.”

Public defender Angelia Campos, who represented Lowery’s various criminal cases over the years, turned out to be the executor of his estate, much to her own surprise.

“According to Lowery’s will, the distribution of his estate is simple: a pile of borrowed goods and lifted items, each tagged with a note of apology or, in some cases, a vague description of when he ‘acquired’ them,” Campos said. “It will be a bittersweet day for many of the people here because, while Lowery’s is gone — they are getting back their favorite leather jacket, records, and skateboards they long thought lost, or knew Lowery had but were too shy to ask for them back. We do have a whole pile of Zippos here and not sure whose is whose, so that’s going to be first come first serve.”

Experts see situations like this more than one might think.

“From a legal standpoint, it’s highly unusual but not unprecedented to see wills focused on the return of borrowed—or, in this case, stolen—items,” said estate law expert Julian Harris. “Technically, the deceased is redistributing their personal property, but when that property rightfully belongs to someone else, it creates a unique situation where the will serves more like a confession than an inheritance plan. It’s almost like he’s tying up the loose ends of his life… one stolen guitar at a time. Legal snags can occur however when the deceased uses the stolen item to give as a gift for someone else. I’ve seen cases drag on through the court for years over a single hoodie. ”

The will reading was immediately preceded by a luncheon catered by Compassion House Soup Kitchen and a performance by Lowery’s favorite local band Fuck You, I’m Glad You’re Dead.

I Don’t Care How Long We’re Trapped in This Supermarket Surrounded by Mist Monsters, I’m Not Listening to Your Band’s New Song

Posted on by Jonah Nink

It’s been days since we were first trapped inside this supermarket by the mist. Anyone who goes outside is doomed to be butchered by horrible alien monsters lurking inside the white haze. Supplies are running low, and people are starting to get paranoid. What I’m saying is no, I don’t want to listen to your band’s new song.

I didn’t want to listen before I saw a man get bisected by a vagina crab monster. What makes you think I want to now?

Shame on me for thinking it’s inappropriate for you to start playing your dumbass indie song after we watched that teenage ginger get dragged into the mist by a giant veiny, alien tentacle. Hot take, I know. Maybe if I had more respect for independent musicians, it wouldn’t have peeled the kid’s skin off like fruit roll-up.

That supply run out to the pharmacy would have gone flawlessly if we hadn’t been ambushed by those giant spiders. And what woke up the spiders? Was it the guy who started talking out loud about which reverb effects he used on his vocals? Or maybe the guy who put earbuds on the corpse stuck to the wall, which was obviously filled with baby spider monsters, to “make sure he can hear the cool bass riff in the interlude.” Wait, that was you! You did both of those things!

They say the mist monster rampage was the result of government boogeymen tampering with eldritch powers beyond their understanding. Not unlike how you’re tampering with these hands if I see you pull out fucking SoundCloud again.

Why were you in the supermarket to begin with? Oh, right. You work here.

Somehow, it’s the people inside who are scarier than the monsters outside. Take away only a few modern comforts and society collapses, good people go insane. You’ve said “big things coming” enough times now that everyone in the store believes you’re a prophet and are starting to form a cult around you. I bet it’s nice to have more than three followers for once.

I’ve had enough. I’m making a run for it with my son and these old people. I’m fully aware that the military is about an hour away from saving us, but I’m still going to kill them and myself because your new single sucks that much donkey dick.

Fugazi Cancels Highly Anticipated Reunion Tour Due to High Ticket Sales

Posted on by Bob Kerr

WASHINGTON — Legendary post-hardcore band Fugazi announced they would be canceling their reunion tour because interest in the shows has been too high, confirmed sources who wouldn’t have bought tickets in the first place if they thought it would offend them.

“We didn’t want this sort of acclaim when we formed this band,” said frontman Ian MacKaye. “Fugazi was never about selling out. And that includes tickets to our shows. We love our fans, but I didn’t get into this business to make money. It’s not our brand, and I hate the fact I just used the word ‘brand’ unironically. So when our manager told us that we were practically selling out every show, I pulled the plug. No fucking way am I going to make a profit from my art. That’s why our music is available on Spotify. We make almost nothing from those streams.”

Although the news left fans disheartened, some choose to look on the bright side.

“I was stoked to see the show and even had my ‘This is not a Fugazi t-shirt’ ready to go,” said hardcore fan Morley Tompkins. “But it’s a good call on their part. After all, what’s a Fugazi show if you can’t freely move your arms around without hitting someone. And waiting in line to use the bathroom? No Fugazi fan would stand for that. Personally, I think the band should have charged more for tickets to keep out the posers. I would have happily paid $7 to see them reunite. But then again, it wouldn’t be a Fugazi show if I paid more than five bucks to get in. So it’s virtually impossible to make it work.”

Small venue owners around the country felt like they were shafted by the band’s last-minute cancellation.

“It’s a damn shame when a semi-iconic band cancels shows,” said Grady Studebakker, owner of the Yuckies venue. “Like, it was going to be the largest group of people we would have had in here! My one bartender even made up a drink for the band called the ‘Fruit-Gassy.’ I mean, it’s just carbonated fruit punch, but it would have gone gangbusters with the straight edge crowd. Turns out, Fugazi is against any kind of merch, so that drink was one of the reasons they cancelled on us. It was merch-adjacent, I guess. That bartender was immediately fired.”

At press time, Eventbrite refunded all of the tickets, totaling $430.

Top 30 Goth Songs to Put on Your Halloween Playlist to Make It Look Like You Hang Out at Cemeteries

Posted on by Bobby Korec

At last, the Halloween season is upon us. People are firing up their Ouija boards, black cat adoptions are at their seasonal peak, and pretending to be goth while hanging out at cemeteries has briefly taken hold of human civilization.

But does your Halloween playlist reflect your desire to look like you spend time sitting upright against a stranger’s tombstone while reading Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley’s “Frankenstein” and wearing fishnets? If not, be sure to check out the top 30 goth songs to put on your spooky playlist to make your friends think your third place is a crypt. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. Suspiria “Allegedly, Dancefloor Tragedy” (1998)

If you’re not naming your band after a famous 1977 Italian supernatural horror movie directed by Dario Argento that was later remade in 2018 where Tilda Swinson plays a 75-year-old man and one of the actresses is literally named Mia Goth, can you even claim to sleep in an unused grave on the first and third Thursday of the month?

29. The Danse Society “Heaven Is Waiting” (1984)

Don’t be fooled by the “heaven” part, this song is best experienced while you are still alive, albeit while daydreaming about what death must be like. Maybe not the heaven part of post-life, but purgatory sounds dope. At least you get to be a ghost and haunt a house. That’s goth as hell.

28. Specimen “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” (1997)

Specimen was highly influential in goth culture. Adding them to your Halloween playlist will make people think you know how to get to the secret cemetery where they have the best headstones and the kinds of crows that perch on loose skulls for decorative effect.

27. She Past Away “Durdu Dünya” (2019)

A lot of what is considered modern goth is more on the darkwave and cold wave spectrum, despite often using macabre imagery. But hey, we’re not here to gatekeep. We’re here to use all of these genres to our anthropologic advantage and strictly score social points during the Halloween season.

26. Red Lorry Yellow Lorry “Head on Fire” (1979)

The Lorries often denied their inclusion in the goth genre. But if that was the case, why is the local graveyard always playing “Head on Fire” over their PA? And why does a cemetery have a sound system to begin with? Some things just fit.

25. Bat Nouveau “Funeral Eyes” (2015)

Gothy band name? Check. Gothy song title? Hell yes. Capable of tricking the guests at your party that you frequently Google “cemeteries near me” on a gloomy Sunday afternoon? Without a doubt.

24. Mephisto Walz “Dear Familiar Phantoms” (1994)

In the future, we’re all going to be composting dead bodies, which will make cemeteries obsolete. In that case, listen to Mephisto Walz and spend all your free time at the gravesite of your choosing while you still can. Or at least pretend to.

23. Paralysed Age “Bloodsucker” (2009)

There’s just something about the sound of the drums and the overall spooked-up feel of this track that makes you want to dig up a corpse just to see if they decompose the way you pictured them to. Damn it, goth bands. Stop compelling us to unearth dead bodies on our day off.

22. Killing Joke “Love Like Blood” (1985)

If you’re going to write goth music you have to have badass song titles such as “Love Like Blood.” Sure, on the surface it doesn’t mean anything, but neither does “All I Want For Christmas Is You” and that one doesn’t even make sense in a graveyard.

21. Light Asylum “Dark Allies” (2011)

The opening of this track is actually perfect as your alarm sound for when you want to fantasize about waking up early in the unused tomb you slept in last night. Even goths have to go to work in the morning.

20. Corpus Delicti “Twilight” (1993)

If this song doesn’t inspire you to hang out at a mausoleum, it will surely make you want to socialize with your other goth friends at the food court at your local mall and talk about Corpus Delicti. Mall goths gradually blossom into graveyard goths. Gothdom is never just a phase.

19. She Wants Revenge “Tear You Apart” (2005)

You might remember this band if you were sentient in the 2000s. You might actually remember this track forever if you’re ever turned into a vampire, which would be sweet because you would be condemned to listen to goth music for eternity. Hell yeah.

18. Christian Death “Burnt Offerings” (1982)

As the official theme song for bats, you can’t get much more cemetery-friendly than Christian Death. The Jane Goodall of bats actually uses this song to attract them so she can study their goth-like qualities.

17. London After Midnight “Spider and the Fly” (2005)

Pretending to hang out at graveyards is what the Halloween season is all about. It’s also about putting bands like London After Midnight on your Halloween playlist to impress that one guy dressed up as Edward Scissorhands at your costume party.

16. The March Violets “Snake Dance” (1993)

For a genre that’s all about giving you the creeps, many of the songs are quite dancey. You could easily host a dance party at your local necropolis and no one would bat an eye. Except for the normies, but they’re going to do that anyway.

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Every Deicide Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Steve Packosky

In a way, we’re thankful to whoever tried to ram Christianity down Glen Benton’s throat during his childhood, as the end result was a chip on his shoulder the size of the Rock of Gibraltar, leaving the rest of us with some of the sickest death metal to have ever existed. That dude hates God. While we at The Hard Times are obligated to feel the same way about our Lord and Savior, we can hardly see ourselves turning that hatred into the 13 studio albums of pure, visceral abhorrence that Benton has blessed us with (lol.) So put on your boots and leather jacket and find a slightly less conspicuous place on your body on which to brand an upside-down crucifix (chances are you work in IT along with 70% of death metal fans and your boss wouldn’t like it,) and get ready to rank the Deicide albums from least to most-blasphemous. Let’s go!

13. In Torment in Hell (2001)

The first thing we noticed on listening to “In Torment in Hell” was how grimy the production sounds, and not in a good way. Overall, the songs kind of feel rushed and slapped together, which doesn’t mean the album’s a complete loss. The title track has some catchy riffs, and the vocal phrasing on “Child of God” would make Beelzebub himself buzz with joy. Give this one a listen only after you’ve visited their others and graduate into a seasoned Deicide fan. Until then, consider yourself still fashioned in the image of God. You fucking poser.

Play it again: “Lurking Among Us”
Skip it: “Imminent Doom”

12. Till Death Do Us Part (2008)

This one is largely reviled among Deicide fans, which is a shame considering how fucking evil the album art is. It’s not unlistenable by any stretch of the imagination, but it definitely won’t stick with you the way most of their other works will. On the whole, it’s just not as catchy as their other releases, and gets kind of plodding at times. Toss it on when doing your homework, as it’ll provide some good background noise but won’t be so sick that it distracts you from your differential equations.

Play it again: “In the Eyes of God”
Skip it: “Worthless Misery”

11. Insineratehymn (2000)

Can we immediately pan an album based on our reaction to its punny title alone? Trust us, we really, really want to with this one, but unfortunately, it’s actually pretty fun to listen to (for the most part.) It’s got kind of an emphasis on grooves, which sometimes works (“Suffer Again”) and sometimes doesn’t (“Halls of Worship.”) Much like “Till Death Do Us Part,” it feels kind of plodding at times, but there are still enough catchy riffs and Christ-hammering vocals to keep the diehards happy. Toss it on in the car while driving Grandma to church to make her reevaluate the last 80 years of her life.

Play it Again: “Worst Enemy”
Skip it: “The Gift That Keeps on Giving”

10. Banished by Sin (2024)

The latest album by the fearsome God-haters is pretty standard fare. We enjoyed it, but there weren’t a whole lot of standout moments here. The production is pretty good, with the exception of the vocals being a little high in the mix. Some of the trem-picked riffs hearken back to the far-superior “The Stench of Redemption” (more to come on that,) but the hooks and earworms that draw so many to Deicide are few and far between on “Banished by Sin.” You can definitely have a good time with this release, but you’re probably going to have a better time with most of their others. Also, that album cover gets a thumbs down on both quality and basic human decency.

Play again: “Sever the Tongue”
Skip it: “Woke from God” (we read the lyrics so you don’t have to…ugh)

9. Overtures of Blasphemy (2018)

Now that is an album cover! We have no clue what’s going on here, but we’d love to park our hefty asses on one of those oversized fingers and knock out some articles for you freaks. Speaking of heft, “Overtures of Blasphemy” feels large and weighty from the get-go, with that heavy-ass riff playing under Benton growling “cauterize the blood of Christ!” Really doesn’t get much more evil than that. This is twelve songs of straightforward Deicide, with not much worth complaining about. Invite your neighbors over and toss this on at the barbeque. It should spark some interesting conversation.

Play it again: “Flesh, Power, Dominion”
Skip it: “Compliments of Christ” (come on now, we’re not here to compliment the guy)

8. In the Minds of Evil (2013)

“In the Minds of Evil” sounds fantastic. These songs are fast, catchy, evil as fuck, and overall just very fun to listen to. Steve Asheim keeps up the vicious pummeling on the skins that death metalheads are rabid for, and former Cannibal Corpse shredder Jack Owen turns in a fantastic performance in his unfortunate swansong with the band. Just listen to “Beyond Salvation” and try not to bang your fucking head off. Jesus Christ hears this and shakes his fist in impotent rage. Keep up the good work, Glen.

Play it again: “Kill the Light of Christ”
Skip it: “Misery of One”

7. Scars of the Crucifix (2004)

The last album with the founding Hoffman brothers is a beast, and we mean that both figuratively and in the Book of Revelation sense. We’ve got heavy-as-fuck drumming, killer guitar solos, unbelievably evil layered high and low vocals, and even warring motorcycle gangs in the absolutely befuddling music video for the title track. What more can death metal fans (primarily those living in Florida) ask for? “Enchanted Nightmare” in particular is an excellent example of all of these (sans the Harley-riding bad boys, unfortunately.) So rev up your hog and give this one a listen; just do us all a favor and leave the Blue Lives Matter sticker at home.

Play it again: “The Pentecostal”
Skip it: “Fuck Your God” (that one was on the CIA’s infamous “Torture Playlist,” so we think it’s been played enough)

6. The Stench of Redemption (2007)

Hell yeah! We’re sad to see the Hoffman brothers go, but Jack Owen and the late, great Ralph Santolla breathe some new life into the band with “The Stench of Redemption,” and the end result was pretty cool. Santolla’s solos in particular give these tunes a bit of a medieval, Andy LaRocque quality that fits much better than one would expect. Just watch the music video for “Homage for Satan” if you want to see some zombies fuck up a priest to a guitar solo that sounds befitting of a traveling bard. Play this one for your “I listen to everything but country and rap” friends to test the limits of their claim.

Play it again: “Desecration”
Skip it: “Never to Be Seen Again”

5. Serpents of the Light (1997)

Whaaaa….? One of the first four Deicide albums is not in the top four? Hear us out. “Serpents of the Light” is a fantastic album from top to bottom, and the only death metal album we can think of that has the term “holy shit” in its lyrics. This is a groove-laden collection of headbang-worthy blasphemy, and it’s not difficult to see why so many fans top their lists with it. We love it, but we just feel it’s outshined by the four albums below. If that infuriates you, feel free to call us posers in the comments. Just don’t call us Christians, as that would be crossing a line.

Play again: “Blame It on God”
Skip it: “Creatures of Habit”

4. To Hell with God (2011)

2011’s “To Hell with God” proved that Deicide was coming into the 2010’s swinging, and showed itself to be their most pummeling release of the new millennium. Crushing, evil, and catchy (godDAMN that title track will get stuck in your head,) in such a way that we were able to overlook the appalling pun in “Save Your,” this one goes hard from start to finish. It even has a cooler version of that childhood prayer from “Enter Sandman” in “Servant of the Enemy.” Also, bonus points for the music video for “Conviction,” which is like “James and the Giant Peach” if it had been about beating the shit out of Jesus. We’d probably remember that movie a lot better if that was the case.

Play it again: “Hang in Agony Until You’re Dead”
Skip it: The album cover. It goes for “hellish Sermon on the Mount,” but we ended up with “PC first-person-shooter game cover from the ’90s”

3. Self-Titled (1990)

No skippable tracks from here on out, folks. This is one of the hardest death metal debuts in history, and WOW, does it rip. Play “Sacrificial Suicide” for anyone who doesn’t listen to death metal, and they’ll run cowering in fear. Benton relies primarily on high vocals here, and the rapid fire of his growls hearkens back to Tom Araya on “Reign in Blood.” The Slayer influence isn’t just restricted to the vocals, as you can detect Kerry King’s residual stank all over that opening solo to “Dead by Dawn.” This is a must-have for anyone who’s even casually interested in death metal, and if you don’t have it, you might as well apply for seminary school.

Play it again: “Blasphereraion”
Skip it: the opening clip of “Carnage in the Temple of the Damned.” We’d rather remember Powers Boothe from his role in “Sudden Death.”

2. Legion (1992)

Fast, ludicrously technical and (have you sensed a pattern yet?) unspeakably blasphemous, 1992’s “Legion” is a death metal staple. You very well may consider it your number one, and we can’t argue with that. From the bleating of goats in the first track to the heart-attack inducing vocals closing out “Revocate the Agitator,” this one does not let up, and it’s a wonder they were able to play any of these songs live, let alone the whole album in its entirety during their 2022 tour. Just listen to Steve Asheim’s drumming on “Behead the Prophet (No Lord Shall Live).” Are his feet fucking serious? We had more to say about this album, but we’re just going to sit here and shake our heads in disbelief for the next few minutes.

Play it again: Yep
Skip it: Satan’s actual voice cameo in “Trifixion,” but only if you scare easily.

1. Once Upon the Cross (1995)

“Once Upon the Cross” slowed things down just a hair from their previous two releases and substituted the speed for a focus on catchy hooks, and it sure as shit was a success. It might not be quite the exemplar of technicality of its predecessors (though it’s still quite impressive,) but “Once Upon the Cross” is a shining beacon of songwriting perfection in death metal, and it proved that the genre can be catchy while still terrifyingly evil. Just listen to Benton growl the song title in “Behind the Light Thou Shall Rise” and try not to swear your allegiance to the Dark Lord. Yeah, that’s what we thought. We’ll see you at the next Black Mass.

Play it again: All of it, including the several cameos by Willem Dafoe
Skip it: Only if you want to get into Heaven.

Biden Sends Netanyahu Birthday Card With $5 Bill, Additional $1 Billion Arms Shipment

Posted on by Bill Conway

WASHINGTON — President Biden sent his longtime friend Benjamin Netanyahu a thoughtful handwritten birthday card with a crisp $5 fresh off the mint, as well as another billion dollars in weapons to continue Israel’s assault on multiple civilian populations, sources confirmed.

“I love the birthday cards I get from politicians around the world, but it really warms my heart whenever American lawmakers take the time to send me well wishes,” said Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Democrats or Republicans, it doesn’t matter I love them all. And I keep a list of everyone who doesn’t reach out and I’ll ensure they are voted out of office soon. Joe’s latest card was really touching. He said he loved me at least a dozen times, male friendships are tough to maintain as you get older and I hope we stay in touch when he leaves office I really do. I’m going to miss having him around. He’s always been so quick to send me all the weapons we need and he always steps in to make sure other countries don’t sanction us for ‘war crimes.’”

President Biden says he spent hours crafting the perfect card.

“Listen Jack, I love arts and crafts. Since I was a boy, a small little boy in a working-class family in Scranton, Pennsylvania I’ve made every birthday card I ever sent by hand. Sometimes I’ll paint some raw macaroni and glue it to card stock, other times I write a nice little poem, but for Bibi I went all out,” said the lame duck President. “This card was a hand-drawn timeline of our friendship. I remember the first time I helped send him missiles back in 1996. Since then I’ve helped authorize hundreds of arms shipments to him. Literally billions in American taxpayer money sent to my close personal friend, I only wish I could send him more. That’s why I sent him the extra $5.”

Political analyst Kimora Phillips was not surprised by Biden’s generosity.

“Every American politician for the past 60 years has had to pledge their undying loyalty to Israel. Netanyahu knows this and takes full advantage of it. I know Senator John Fetterman sent the Prime Minister a few pairs of his favorite sweatpants and a few Steelers Terrible Towels,” said Phillips. “President Trump sent Netanyahu a few boxes of Trump-branded steaks, water, and alcohol which apparently made the Prime Minister very sick. Some people thought it was an assassination attempt at first, but then realized that’s what happens to anyone dumb enough to consume a Trump product.”

At press time, Trump and Harris set aside their difference to send Netanyahu a joint video where they both expressed their love for the genocidal leader.

As the Only Goth Mom on This PTA Board I Should Be Able To Run the Blood Drive However I Want

Posted on by Laura Lewis

First, let me just say that there’s a legally compliant way to run a blood drive for elementary school students (boring!), and then there’s the right way to run a blood drive for elementary school students. For those of you who think we’ve done it the wrong way—just because we got hit with a few tiny fines and a pending lawsuit, I can assure you there is still no one on this board more qualified than me for the job.

Sure, we got off to a less-than-ideal start when students and parents alike complained that the flyers were illegible. They weren’t able to decipher “where the event was held” or “how to participate” or “what time is it even” but they were thinking too small. The important thing was that the font on the flyers exactly matched that of the art nouveau version of the original 1922 Nosferatu movie poster. If this community can’t appreciate basic allusion, that’s on them.

And yeah, I already apologized for blowing the budget on dry ice and coffins, okay? That one’s on me. But, frankly, inflation should have been factored into the budget in the first place. No one listened when I said dry ice prices were on the rise, and that it costs an average of 20% more per month to fill my house with it. Then somehow it’s a surprise when it took $400 worth to properly outfit the gymnasium.

Plus, those coffins were real. I’ll have you know that I covered the shipping costs myself. Anyone else here wanna guess how much time and money it takes to ship a half-dozen exhumed coffins to the Richmond suburbs via a creaky ship from Romania? A lot.

Also, like, on whose authority did those EMTs report us to the state for collecting the blood in engraved silver carafes and 18-century leech vials? They hold way more than those little plastic bags. I was doing them a favor. Just because one child dropped their vial, got lost in the dry ice fog, slipped on the blood, and landed in a coffin where no one could see or him for 2 hours (or hear his screams over the sound of Goodbye Horses playing on a loop), doesn’t mean it was an inherently bad idea.

Anyway, all that aside, I motion that I should be able to retain my event organizer title. I’m willing to fall on my sword here (technically, it’s Elizabeth Bathory’s ceremonial dagger, but it’ll do just as well) and assume responsibility for this whole thing. And I promise next month’s Headless Turkey Trot Corn Maze will go a lot smoother.

Local Dad Unknowingly Performs Greatest Drum Solo of All Time on Belly of Labrador Retriever

Posted on by Livy Berry

MILWAUKEE — Local suburban father Dave Johnson made history after inadvertently performing the greatest rock and roll drum solo of all time on the willing belly of his best friend and dog Teddy Johnson, confirmed extremely impressed sources.

“Yeah, Teddy loves when I smack his gut to a steady beat and call him the ‘goodest boy in the whole wide world,’ he just goes nuts for it,” Johnson claimed. “Sometimes he lays down for me, and I just go to town on that K9 abdomen. Normally, I’ve got something going in my head like some Zeppelin ‘Moby Dick’ but today I was just rockin’ my own thing. I might be nuts, but I think I made a pretty solid beat. Some have even called me the Neil Peart of pet stomach drumming, which is a title I do not take lightly.”

Ralph Matthews, a neighboring dad, happened to catch this historic event while he was grilling some steaks.

“I was just flipping some excellent hunks of cowboy meat, when I heard Dave start going in on Teddy’s belly,” said Matthews. “At first I thought he was busting out some classic Sabbath, but then something happened. It was so breathtaking, I had to stop grilling for several minutes just to listen. The talent, the technique, you just had to be there! About three minutes in, I said to myself, ‘Ralph, you gotta get a video of this!’ And I guess I was right to, because everybody I sent it to was blown away! It even went viral on my Facebook with 37 total likes.”

Immediately upon hearing Johnson’s recording, Mark Wallace, director of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, recognized the significance of the situation.

“We have already begun construction on a sculpture commemorating this incredible moment!” said Wallace, who has been directing the hall of fame for the last 10 years. “I have been in this business for a very long time, and I’ve never seen anything quite like this. Dave and Teddy Johnson’s names are gonna be right up there with John Bonham and Animal from ‘The Muppets,’ if not higher. The sculpture is projected to be finished by the end of the year. It’ll go right next to our statue of the teenager who performed a stunning drum solo on this classroom desk in 1997.”

At press time, Johnson was not nearly as impressive after awkwardly attempting a follow-up performance on his reluctant cat’s belly.