Back to School Night and 10 Other Events I Shouldn’t’ve Pregamed but Kinda Glad I Did

Posted on by John Adkins

Should we really let “society” determine when it is and is not appropriate to get a nice buzz on? The answer is categorically yes, if there were no guardrails on my consumption I would have been dead years ago, but I do bend the rules from time to time, and aside from when I didn’t have a license for 6 months, Daddy likey the results! Here’s a list of my top ten… let’s not say problematic… UNCONVENTIONAL alcoholic exploits that I have gotta say really worked out for me.

“My End-of-Year” Reviews at Work
SO WHAT if I channeled my inner Don Draper by slurpin’ some scotch before my performance reviews? I’m a classy fella! And goddammit, I think I performed WONDERFULLY this year. But yes I was fired. Which, funnily enough, was not on the table until my performance review…

“That Marathon I Got Peer Pressured Into Running”
Hey, I know my limits, and I CANNOT run a marathon. So like any responsible adult, I knocked back a couple of cold ones, sprinted the first mile (I felt invincible), puked, passed out, drank some gatorade. rallied, and made it to the bar by 2 pm. Did not come close to finishing the race.

“Therapy”
Look, therapy is all about opening up and being vulnerable. Coincidentally, that’s what alcohol does. But according to respectable society, “never the two shall meet…” until now, motherfuckers.

“My Court Date”
Ok, so I’m not legally allowed to discuss what I did, but all I’ll say is that I had the liquid courage to deliver the defense of the CENTURY. And yes, I did represent myself. Still waiting for the jury to deliver their… oh what? I’m super guilty? Well that makes sense…

“Open Climb” at My Friend’s Gym”
We all have that one friend who moved to a city without any hobbies and naturally fell into rock climbing. And it’s only a matter of time before that friend invites you to an “open climb” where you can watch them pretend to be a badass for 45 minutes. My advice to you? Rip a 40 on the train there.

“Pottery Class”
Naturally, wheel-throwing with midwestern moms and a homeschooler named Phoenix trying to fulfill his art credit calls for a vino vibe. So let’s get that Josh flowin’ ladies! Plus, Phoenix needs some driving hours for his learner’s permit, so he can be our D.D.!

“My TED Talk on Bees”
They say to trust your training, and my training involved hitting a dive bar on the way to my own Ted talk. So yeah. It might be the least coherent ted talk ever, but it’s also the MOST viewed. And THAT’S good television. What’s up? It’s not on TV? dammit. Sorry bees.

“Chaperoning My Kid’s Field Trip to the Zoo”
There are indisputable truths in life, and one of them is that uncrustables taste wayyyy better after you’ve ripped a 40 right before snacktime on a fourth-grade field trip to the zoo. Sure, I might’ve screamed at the Giraffes for giving me body issues (they’re so tall and skinny) but at least the booze buzz made my son’s friend KYLE wayyyy more tolerable. Cuz lemme tell ya, that kid sucks. like a LOT.

“That Flashmob that Also Doubled As My Brother’s Proposal”
Before you accuse me “not studying the choreography at all,” and “hip-checking that old lady down a flight of concrete stairs,” I just wanna say that my moves ROCKED. I mean, have you ever seen someone down an entire margarita tower and then completely ruin a proposal? Seriously, have you? My brother’s not speaking to me and I’m embarrassed… I need help…

“My Friend Jerry’s Improv 101 Graduation”
Sure, everyone gets a lil’ tipsy at comedy shows. But only real pros know that clubs DON’T sell booze at 9:30 in the fucking morning, which, as you might’ve guessed, is when they host IMPROV 101 GRADUATION. So naturally, I had to take matters into my own hands and toast my friend Jerry with a bottle of warm champagne that I chugged by myself in the uber to the venue. And lemme tell ya, Jerry was SO funny. I think. Actually, I don’t really remember the show.

White Friend That Went to Mexico for Three Days Suddenly Pronouncing “Taco” Differently

Posted on by Bill Conway

TAUNTON, Mass. — Local man Patrick Kelly surprised friends and family with his supposed “authentic” pronunciation of common Mexican foods after a week-long vacation in Cancún, annoyed sources confirmed.

“It’s really nice to get away and be immersed in another culture. I feel like a new hombre. The people I met, the food, it was a life-changing experience,” said Kelly, who spent the entire week inside the grounds of Temptation Cancun Resort. “I had this waiter I’ll never forget, I think his name was Raul, or maybe it was Juan, I’m not really sure. But he challenged me to expand my tastebuds. Instead of opting for mild salsa with my nachos, I went with hot, and it was tough at first. My mouth felt like it was on fire, but it made me feel like an Aztec warrior with every bite. If I can handle Mexican spice I can handle anything.”

Friends of Kelly say he has been even more insufferable since he returned from his trip.

“I suggested we go to Taco Bell for dinner one night and he told me it’s actually pronounced like ‘tee-ya-co’ and told me that’s fake Mexican food and suggested I try something authentic like Chiptole,” said former roommate Danny Sullivan. “The worst part is he tried ordering in Spanish. The girl behind the counter didn’t know what he was trying to say, and he kept trying to roll his Rs but he would just end up spitting all over the glass. He eventually gave up and just pointed at the beans he wanted, which he kept calling ‘free-jolls’ by the way.”

Nithya Choudhury, a linguist and dialect coach, says it’s not uncommon for people to pick up certain phrases after a vacation.

“We’ve all had that friend who did a semester abroad in England and came home and started calling elevators a ‘lift’ or using the word ‘cunt’ all the time,” said Choudhury. “These people are often the dumbest people in your friend group. They are the people who haven’t read a book since they were forced to for summer reading in middle school, and this is the only way they can attempt to appear smart. Yes, it never works, and often it makes them look dumber. But try not to laugh at them. Just nod, and if they correct your pronunciation just say ‘thank you’ and move on. They need this.”

At press time, Kelly was seen yelling ‘“Go home!” at a group of day laborers outside of a nearby Home Depot.

Photo by Derek Horstmeyer.

Feminist Win: This Woman Played An Entire Game Of Pool Without A Man Interrupting To Give An Unsolicited Tip

Posted on by Violet Meeker

There was something undeniably femme in the air that day. A wind that whispered “shhhhhh” into the ears of men on the sidewalk outside the local dive bar. Inside, a woman plays pool. But the environment is different…there are no interruptions. No “maybe hold the stick like this” or “angle it from here” comments. Not even a sexually aggressive “you should bend over more” from a boomer who looks like he has multiple kids that refuse to talk to him. But for the first time, possibly ever in the history of mankind, a woman completed a game of pool in peace.

“This took months of preparation,” said Jamie Binion. “But I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I’ve never felt so focused. This must be what men feel like when they play; simply unbothered.”

Sinking yet another ball she winks at the empty chairs surrounding her on this gloomy Tuesday morning. Even the timing had to be carefully considered for this event to occur without a hitch.

“I never thought I’d see the day. Even in a place as remote as this, there’s always a man in the corner that needs to solicit his unprovoked opinion” the bartender explained as she re-duct taped the male opponent’s mouth. The empty bar and supportive tender weren’t the only things that contributed to such an event, it also took an ally willing to abide by a few rules.

We had been so wrapped up in the magic happening that the man across from our queen had become an afterthought, of course. What we assume was a smile appeared across his face as he told us about how he ended up being chosen for such a game. “Mmmgrrmmrr” he told us through his freshly duct-taped mouth. “Ggghrrmmhmm,” yet at the same time “hhhmmrgggrrm” he explained. What a sweetie pie!

The game didn’t last very long, and the competition was slim considering the zeroed-in focus that had been created for our feminist icon. Things become a breeze when you aren’t being harassed, it appears. “Suck my dick!” she aptly yelled as she sunk the final 8 ball. As the winner wrapped herself up in outside clothes™ (the layers a woman wears on public transportation so as not to be catcalled constantly) she prepared to face reality again and leave the haven that had been built so carefully. Upon her departure, we heard a whine from the pool table. “Please come back” it whispered as she walked into the sunlight and misogyny.

Crust Punk Enters “Only Listens to Hank Williams” Stage of Lifecycle

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PITTSBURGH – Local crust punk Eric Gorski reportedly entered the stage of his life in which he only listens to Hank Williams, sources report.

“Yeah, man. I’ve been this way ever since I can remember,” reported Gorski as he picked an old cigarette butt out of one of his dreadlocks. “The rampant consumerism and flag worship that’s shoved down all our throats as we grow up never appealed to me, nor did the bullshit music that’s always pervaded the airwaves. I grew up listening to stuff like Amebix and hometown heroes Aus-Rotten, but now I mainly only listen to Hank Williams. I’m not really sure what the reason is, either. One day I just woke up and that was the only music I was really interested in. I can’t help it anymore.”

Others in Gorski’s social circle have expressed confusion at his newfound listening preferences.

“I’ve known Eric ever since we were kids, and while I respect his rejection of capitalism, I wish he would shower more. Despite our differences we always got along really well,” said Gorski’s friend Danielle Burke. “The other day I visited his tattoo shop and he had ‘Move It on Over’ blasting out of the speakers. What’s weird is, Eric still looks exactly the same, and even has a brand new Hellbastard patch on the one pair of black jeans he always wears. I asked him if Hank Williams’ DIY approach to his career is what drew him to his music, and he kind of looked at me blankly, so I don’t think that’s it. This just seems to be something that kind of…happened with him as some sort of natural, biological process.”

Social psychologist Brianna Igwe of Carnegie Mellon University was not at all surprised at Gorski’s transformation.

“This is to be expected, as a sudden affinity for Hank Williams is thought to be the leading indicator that a crust punk has reached the final stage of lifecycle development,” Igwe offered. “I’ve conducted countless case studies on the subject, and while crust punks’ appearances will remain unchanged, they’ll inevitably reach a point where they literally only listen to Hank Williams. I’d love to be able to tell you what this evolves into, but without fail, all the subjects in my case studies have suddenly moved away to live out of their vans at some point during this stage. I fear it’s only a matter of time before Mr. Gorski disappears into the ether.”

At press time, Gorski had upended years of scientific consensus by revealing that he’s also been listening to Elvis.

How I Get Meals Comped at TGI Friday’s by Sitting Under Loose Wall Decor

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

In these hard times sometimes putting food on the table means taking a second job or donating bodily fluids but I’ve learned that treating yourself to a dinner out on the town can be as easy as threatening your local eatery with a personal injury lawsuit! Follow these easy tips to get your meal on the house!

First of all, seat selection is key. An autographed picture of Richard Simmons may get the attention of the waitstaff but if you want a full comp of your meal from Table-tizer to Choco-Nater you’re going to need to head straight for a toboggan, street light or bear trap. Give the wall a good tap and see if anything jiggles. Chances are something will be looser than Boris Yeltsin at an orchestra. If not, claim it’s drafty and ask to be re-seated.

Once you find a suitable seat, go ahead and order yourself a Diddy on the Beach because that’s the real name of a drink on the menu and you’ll be grateful for the anesthetic properties of vodka when a trout that spits tag lines from Duck Dynasty comes crashing down on your noggin. When your server heads off to put in your order, subtly use your butter knife to further loosen the snowshoe, kayak or stop sign you have chosen as your meal ticket.

If all the wall decor at your local TGI Friday’s is properly secured you may need to BYO decor but tread carefully. Legend has it that the manager at this TGI Friday’s (all of them, actually) is a serial killer and each piece of wall art is a memento from one of his kills. To avoid arousing suspicion, stay on theme by finding everyday items that could be used to bludgeon and maim the innocent or transport and hide a body.

When your meal is coming to a close, give the wall a hard kick under your booth and brace for impact! Now it’s time to put your acting skills to use. Head and neck injuries are preferable as they can often be invisible yet serious. If following the BYOD method you can simply unearth the ice pick you brought with you and bang it on the table while holding your neck. If all goes according to plan your server will be too stunned to ask questions and will go ahead and comp your meal.

Good luck! And remember; In here, it’s always Friday!

Boomer Makes Sure to Have Most Annoying Ringtone Selected at Highest Volume Before Leaving House

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BOISE, Ida. — Roland Gelford, a member of the baby boomer generation, made sure to have his awful ringtone set to maximum volume on his phone before going out to run a few errands, sources who can’t hear themselves even think anymore report.

“I was headed out the door and for a second thought I had forgotten something. I checked to make sure I had my keys and my wallet then it hit me… I had forgotten to make sure I had the most awful-sounding ringtone selected with the sound all the way up. It was a close call!” said Gelford over the quacking duck sound on his phone. “Good thing I checked, can you imagine how embarrassing that would’ve been to be in public and have a normal ringtone set at a reasonable volume?”

Gelford’s wife reports that Roland forgetting to set his ringtone with the most cringe-inducing sound possible has become an issue and that she will leave him notes to remind him.

“I’ve been leaving sticky notes on the door to remind him as he is leaving the house. I’ll usually write something like ‘Don’t forget to turn the volume up on your phone so that everyone around you has their ears bleed’ or ‘Try the dog barking one or the one that sounds like an old-time car horn for a change,’” said Laura Gelford. “I know how important it is for him when he is out of the house to have the most annoying sound ever on his phone so that he can pretend he doesn’t hear it and just let it ring non-stop.”

Apple marketing manager Trent Collumb says the tech giant is working on a system to alert users to check that they will be appropriately annoying in public.

“We’re looking at an update that would detect when someone is about to leave their house and send them a push notification to ensure they have the most irritating ringtone on before exiting their house,” said Collumb. “We’re also working on a new set of ringtones for those who want to further aggravate anyone around them. These new ringtones include the sound of a dentist’s drill, fingernails running along guitar strings, and a child actor singing a Broadway musical.”

At press time, Mr. Gelford was spotted at a local movie theater where he seemed to be completely oblivious to the loud “boing” sound repeatedly coming from his phone.

8 Great Fall Activities for Couples and the Ancient Crone Who Follows Them To Portend Doom

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Is there a more romantic season than fall, aside from spring, summer, and winter? When the leaves start changing colors and evenings get snuggly, it’s more important than ever to prioritize “couple time” with some creative dates!

And, if you’re one of those couples who is constantly followed by a terrifyingly wizened and gaunt crone who portends doom at every step, you especially need some good ideas to keep your spark alive.

For example:

1. Apple Picking
This super-cute autumn activity is a classic for a reason! There’s nothing like being out in brisk weather with a loved one, strolling through a gorgeous orchard while sipping warm homemade cider, and ignoring the keening wails of the crone, who haunts your every waking hour with her endless predictions of despair. Plus, at the end of the day, you’ve got a basket of apples, perfect for pies and cobblers.

2. Carve Every Gourd You See
A lot of couples feel satisfied to carve a pumpkin at Halloween and call it good, but you know they’ve never actually made each other cum. Try expanding your horizons a little and carve fall gourds of all kinds! Bottle gourds! Daisy gourds! The intimidating yet subtly erotic penguin gourd! Even if the crone still dogs your steps and whips acorns at your feet while chanting in the Old Tongue, she can’t stop gourd time.

3. Corn Maze Date
With any luck, you might be able to lose the crone for a few precious moments in a corn maze. Quick, around the corner! We can hear her coming! God, for just a few seconds of silence in this labyrinth of corn!

4. Visit the Grove Where Shadows Are Born and Hopes Die
“The Grove Where Shadows Are Born and Hopes Die” is the perfect spot for couples and their crone,” says life coach Dr. Dakota Borg. “While it might not be a traditional date spot, its dark recesses are perfect for private moments, and it never hurts to let a hope or two die in a relationship! Plus, the crone can run and play with other crones there, which is great exercise and can even help you meet new couple friends.”

5. Mini-Oktoberfest
Oktoberfest might only last for a few days in September, but that doesn’t mean you and your main squeeze can’t make your own Germanic fun. Surprise your lover with a fun array of beers and suggestive sausages, and don’t be afraid to sport some lederhosen! Remember, crones will only drink roggenbier, and if you try substituting a zwickelbier, she will shriek loud enough to curdle the wombs of your village’s cows.

6. Haunted House
Why not? It’s not like you don’t already have worse following your every footstep and reminding you that all love eventually dies and that the Bursar of Upper Franconia has cuckolded you.

7. Crone Day
Crone Day only comes once a year, and while you might not always get along with your crone and her predictions that all will fall apart and you will eat only cheese of despair, it’s her day. Pack your partner and your crone in the car, head to the state fairgrounds, and spend a fun autumn day treating your crone to sawdust and broken mirrors!

8. Pie-Making
We’ll be frank: pies make people horny and no crone wailing about Ragnarok can stop that.

B-Sides Album Gives Fans Chance to Listen to Favorite Songs Recorded a Little Slower and Worse

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

MONTCLAIR, N.J. — Pioneering emo band Within Without announced the release of a new B-sides and rarities album which will let fans hear their favorite songs recorded poorly, and played at a weird temp nobody enjoys, sources confirmed.

“We are so excited to share these songs with everybody. We unearthed some real gems, like the basement recording sessions from our earliest practices, which were completely remastered. So now instead of everyone sounding like they are underwater, it sounds like we are playing in a windy cave,” said Within Without guitarist and main vocalist James Trayner. “There are also some demo versions of fan-favorite songs that show how our songs evolve. These early versions are so bad you wouldn’t even realize they are the same songs people sing every word to at our shows. And the best part is this is a four-LP collection with over 60 songs.”

Longtime fan Patricia Driscoll says she already pre-ordered the album.

“My favorite part of any B-side album is when they include songs they played live on a radio station nobody ever heard of. There is a certain sadness to those songs you just can’t capture anywhere else,” said Driscoll. “Then there are all the acoustic versions that nobody asked for. I can’t get enough of those. But my favorite part of any B-sides album is there is always one legitimately good song, followed by at least three dozen unlistenable tracks. I just love how it flows like a gorgeous stream and slowly turns into a mud puddle.”

Indie record executive Lenny Salamar says these compilation albums are often big revenue generators.

“When you run a label your main goal is to drain as much value from an artist as humanly possible. I look at bands like a ripe orange. I slowly juice them for all they are worth, and when it seems like they are squeezed dry I just rip it apart and sell the public the undigestable pulp,” said Salamar. “I need to hand it to all the people in marketing out there that are able to create buzz around albums of literal trash. It’s incredible. There were reasons people didn’t want you to hear these songs, now we sell the collection at a premium. I love capitalism.

At press time, Within Without announced a “deluxe” edition with a live recording of a show they played in 2005 where you can clearly hear the sound guy arguing on the phone with his mother.

All Warped Tour Revival Stages to be Moved 100 Feet from Audience to Comply with Sex Offender Laws

Posted on by Eric Navarro

LONG BEACH, Calif. — The stages at the upcoming Warped Tour revival will reportedly be placed 100 feet away from the all-ages audience in order to comply with national sex offender laws, according to festival organizers.

“This measure is unfortunate, but we see no other solution,” said Jeremiah Reeves, head of public relations for Warped Tour. “Would we prefer to run a tour that doesn’t have at least one sex offender on every stage? Of course! But this is the music business, after all, and it has a rich legacy of creeps. This is basically why we had to stop doing the tour in the first place. But the safety of our attendees is the number one priority and that’s why we will keep everyone as far away from band dudes as possible.”

Organizers reportedly brainstormed for hours in order to come up with a solution that delivered the best musical experience for the consumer, while keeping underage patrons safe from potentially dangerous musicians.

“Initially, the idea was to have an all-sex offender stage,” Reeves continued. “But that basically comprised 75 percent of bands in general, so it was a scheduling nightmare. An intern suggested we hold an ethics seminar for our musicians on how not to abuse their power as rock stars. But none of the bands showed up because it was scheduled at the same time as our post-show wet T-shirt contest behind the Hot Topic tent.”

Longtime Warped Tour stagehand Erik “Dirt” Welch expressed disgust at this generation of band members taking advantage of young fans.

“Seriously, why can’t these scumbags control themselves?” Welch said while loading dozens of fake amp shells into a storage unit for the fest. “I’m a 48-year-old man who’s spent most of his adult life working music fests, and I can concretely say that an 18-year-old girl is just as hot as a 17-year-old girl. These bands today have no morals.”

Photo by Colyn Emery  @ColynEmery.

40 Horror Movies Where Kids Die Ranked by How Much Your Breeder Friends Will Resent Your Smug Childless-Adult Detachment

Posted on by Dan Rice

As anyone without children can tell you, being a childless adult is the absolute pinnacle of human existence. It rules, it’s awesome, it’s the best. If you’re a breeder reading this you probably think otherwise. That’s because you have to, but let’s put that aside for a second. Let me ask you this, how many action figures did you buy for yourself last year? I rest my case.

Yes, childlessness is the only life worth living, yet so many of my peers and contemporaries have opted out. That’s really the only downside, watching all of your friends pair off and get lame while you remain cool as fuck. “Oh, you guys are expecting?! So looking forward to you spending the rest of your lives complaining about a problem you chose to create.”

The hardest casualty to accept has been movie nights. Me and my buddies used to get stoned and have a blast watching the most fucked up horror movies we could find, and there was no surer way for a movie to be ranked certified gold than by brutally murdering a child. It used to be a total laugh riot for everyone! Now I just get an earful about how they “Can’t stomach that stuff anymore” and how “having kids changes your point of view” and “What do you mean you brought mushrooms? We can’t just randomly eat shrooms anymore!” It’s disgusting.

Here are the top horror movies that broke the ultimate taboo and killed off children, ranked by how much your lame-ass breeder friends will resent you for still being able to enjoy them:

40. Piranha 3DD (2010)

I don’t care how many kids you have, that’s just funny.

39. Hocus Pocus (1993)

Every parent I know loves this movie for some reason. I don’t get it. Ya’ll just decided to ignore the fact that one of the main characters is a dead kid in a cat’s body? But Georgie getting eaten by Pennywise is “triggering?” I guess having a kid gives you a super weird method for picking and choosing.

38. Frankenstein (1931)

Here’s another one that gets a pass for some reason. Frankenstein straight-up murders a little girl and tosses her into a river, yet you’ll always find this movie in the “Family Frights” section of streaming services. Maybe it’s so slow and black & white that parents just fall asleep by that point in the movie?

37. A Quiet Place (2018)

The only thing moms love more than children living is John Krasinski. The dude could have done a smug look to camera right as the kid got snatched and the movie would still make $340,000,000.

36. Hereditary (2018)

Oh, it’s a BRUTAL child death, and they HATE it, but they see that A24 logo, and their desperation to still feel “hip” and “with it” just barely wins out.

35. Krampus (2015)

Too much room for interpretation here. “Well, they’re not dead, they’re just in a snow globe!” Yeah, and my grandma isn’t dead, she’s just in a box in the ground.

34. Don’t Look Now (1973)

Breeders can’t handle this one because a child accidentally drowning is “Too real.” What is it about having a baby that makes you forget films need an inciting incident? You can still watch “Bambi,” right? Even though it’s sad when Bambi’s mom gets shot? Well, this is just like that, only in reverse, and then things get worse. Cinema!

33. Kill List (2011)

Lighten up, it’s not like he knew he was stabbing his wife and son. He thought it was a hunchback! This could happen to anybody.

32. Jaws (1975)

Just when you thought it was safe to enjoy a classic movie with your friends now that their newborn is finally sleeping through the night, all of a sudden it’s all “Oh my god I forgot the kid dies in this I can’t watch!” You forgot about the Kintner boy? You forgot?! Wow, tell me you’re going to be shitty parents without telling me you’re going to be shitty parents.

31. Rawhead Rex (1986)

“I just can’t see that and not think ‘What if that were my kid,” she said. “If that happens to your kid I hope the monster has better makeup” I replied. Then she kicked me out of her house.

30. Alligator (1980)

You can’t have a blatant “Jaws” ripoff without a kid being eaten, just as sure as I can’t call my buddy Stew’s wife a drama queen or “bring weird movies over anymore.”

29. Antichrist (2009)

Oh, you won’t watch this but you’ll still call Eric Clapton “The greatest guitarist of all time?” Hypocrite.

28. The Children (2008)

All kidding aside I know you love your children more than anything in this world, but if the shit goes down and they turn on you, I pray you’ll have the wherewithal to do the right thing.

27. Clown (2014)

I can’t believe my non-childless adult friends were so triggered by this movie, it’s completely unrealistic! Look at how much blood pours down the tunnel slide after the clown eats into that kid’s brain. There wouldn’t really be that much blood, it’s a kid!

26. Cooties (2014)

The “We love anything with John Krasinski” rule doesn’t apply here, even though this movie has two other actors from “The Office” and fucking Kenneth from “30 Rock.” Give me all the “You don’t understand, you don’t have kids” you want, I remember when they were home-schooled in the pandemic and you prayed for death.

25. Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Is the remake better than the original? Of course not, but it’s a fine zombie movie in its own right and it does have one-up on its predecessor—a zombie newborn! And my formerly cool but now child-rearing friends actually yelled “No!” when the lady shot that damned thing. It’s sad, but I think if their kid ever became a zombie they wouldn’t have what it takes to do what needs to be done.

24. Dinocroc (2004)

If we live in a world where we can’t all laugh at something as stupid as a kid’s head flying into the air after he’s eaten by a “Dinocroc,” what’s the point of continuing the species?

23. Aliens vs Predator: Requiem (2007)

It’s kind of insane that a movie this bad had the balls to not only break the child death taboo but then double down with a Xenomorph/Predator hybrid loose in a hospital baby ward. You have to laugh at that sort of audacity, which is what made my sister’s reaction, leaving the room to cry and check to make sure her sleeping baby was safe (spoiler, he WAS, duh,) completely unreasonable.

22. The Exorcist: Believer (2023)

This sequel took a beating from critics and my lame-ass friends with kids alike, but I think it deserves some credit. Any old horror movie can kill a kid, but it takes moxie to show-not-just-tell that the dead kid is in hell, forever, all because her dad who loved her and wanted to protect her made the wrong decision. As people who decided to have a kid when we are clearly in the end times, I really thought my friends would respect such a bold choice.

21. Planet Terror (2007)

There’s a lot to not like about this movie, but the kid accidentally shooting himself is an important statement on gun safety and frankly, my parental friends should be thanking me for bringing it to their attention.

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