Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Remembering All the Babies That Drowned to Make the “Nevermind” Album Cover

Posted on June 30, 2020 by Bobby Korec

We all remember Nirvana’s iconic album Nevermind, but often fail to pay tribute to all the babies that drowned to make the legendary cover. To create the album’s artwork, photographer Kirk Weddle required a young child to be submerged underwater for a full three minutes, but notoriously had to keep restarting production after a bunch of infants mysteriously suffocated during their would-be breakout performances.

Kurt Cobain once stated that Nirvana’s famous yellow smiley face logo is an homage to all the babies that died that day. Let’s take a moment to remember each one of those postnatal kids who passed away in the name of grunge.

Baby Tyler
“That boy straight up sank like Krist Novoselic’s credibility. It was an incredibly devastating day for our family, but we got so rich from the court-mandated album royalties that it pretty much made up for it.”
– Jonathan Preet, Tyler’s Father

Baby Alicia
“I was saddened when I heard the news that me and my baby were not going to be famous from this album cover. Thankfully, a couple of years later my other two daughters were featured on the Smashing Pumpkins ‘Siamese Dream’ album, so my lifelong dream of exploiting my kids for financial gain and attention came true after all. Fun fact: We actually had the girls surgically sewn together for the shoot, but you can’t even see it!”
– Alicia Riedel, Mother of Baby Alicia and The Alicia Twins

Baby Evan
“Kurt once personally called me to apologize and told me that he wrote a tribute song for little Evan called ‘Heart-Shaped Box’ that was going to be on the next album. But after reading the lyrics a few hundred times, I still don’t get what he was trying to say. Kurt was either a mad genius or had no idea how to write lyrics.”
– Robert Livingston, Baby Evan’s agent

Baby Gorilla
“After the first batch of babies drowned by lunchtime, we decided to shake things up and throw an animal into the mix. Turns out, gorillas don’t swim. If only we had the internet back then to give it a quick Google beforehand. Long story short, the zoo was pretty upset when we told them that we accidentally murdered Boo Boo Bunsons. Whoopsies.”

“Thank god the next baby we flung into the pool worked out because we only had so many babies budgeted with the record company.”
– Alec Gains, prop master

Punk Musician Skips Heroin Phase and Goes Directly Into Sanctimonious Vegan, Yoga, Advice-Giving Phase

Posted on June 30, 2020 by Stephen Bell

AUSTIN, Texas — Punk musician Miles Finney is forgoing a descent into heroin addiction and skipping right ahead to being a sanctimonious, advice-giving vegan yogi, sources close to the musician report.

“I just figured that poppy seeds belong in my soy yogurt and not in my veins,” said Finney, his nose in the air. “Yoga, along with a vegan diet, has really helped me stay clean and off drugs. Not that I was ever on drugs, but it’s given me a perspective that needs to be shared. It’s like I’ve always said, ‘I know why the caged bird sings.’ You might remember that from a song I wrote last year called ‘Caged Birds.’”

Family members are concerned by the condescending turn Finney has taken.

“I’m relieved Miles never got into hard drugs. It would have been tough to stage an intervention, or worse, have him overdose and lose him,” stated his mother Rosalynn Finney. “But I never imagined I’d have to stage an intervention to stop him from being such a raging tool. At least with heroin, the person is cagey and doesn’t talk your ear off about how great it is. Now he won’t shut up about how downward dogging and veggie burgers can cure my sciatica.”

Unfortunately, Miles’ new lifestyle has also put strain on his relationship with his bandmates.

“When Miles pitched a song called ‘Killer H,’ I obviously thought it was going to be about heroin,” said drummer Shanna Curie. “But the ‘H’ is a reference to hamburgers. I mean, yeah… I guess high cholesterol from too much red meat is a bad thing, but the line, ‘Heat up the spoon and inject the burger king into your veins’ is just shitty writing.”

“Miles thinks he’s so much better than us because he’s exercising regularly, eating well, and not in and out of the hospital because of out of control drug use like we are,” agreed bassist Matt McInerney. “I mean, he’s probably right, but get the fuck off your high horse already.”

At press time, Finney was lecturing lions at the local zoo about their poor stretching and eating habits.

Man Trying to Binge All Star Trek Controversies

Posted on June 29, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

CARMEL, Ind. — Using the ample time that has been provided to him due to quarantine and work-from-home, local resident Derek Carter sat down to finally work his way through every controversy, canon change, plot hole, and political bias in the Star Trek franchise.

“I really wanted to do a deep dive, so I started with the original series with the Kirk-Uhura interracial kiss. I raged about its liberal agenda for about an hour after that,” Carter said. “But I am not going to stick to just the left-wing episodes. I’m excited to get to the Next Generation episode with the all-black Ligonians and their ‘backwards’ ways. I also hear there is a pro-terrorism episode in TNG that sounds really tonedeaf. Can’t wait to dig into that.”

Carter’s friends, however, feel he might burn out before he finishes.

“He hasn’t even gotten to DS9 yet, which has a black captain; a, basically, trans character; and the reveal of Section 31. I am sure he is going to be upset about the Bell Riots,” said Jamie Walton, friend and Trekkie. “I don’t think he can handle Discovery and all of the changes to the Trek canon that show caused—bald Klingons and a bearded Spock are the least of his worries.”

Trek producer Rick Berman felt that what Carter was undertaking might be dangerous.

“No man was meant to take all that mess in one sitting, that’s why it was released week-by-week,” Berman said. “I mean he’ll have to wrestle with the lizard Voyager episode, gay conversion therapy episode of Next Generation, not to mention he’ll have to wrestle with my own statements on queer characters in Trek. He’s going to have an aneurysm before this is over.”

Carter has stated that after his Trek binge, he plans to critique all ten seasons of Stargate SG-1 and its spinoffs, by which point scientists will surely have developed a vaccine.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Rockstar: Red Dead Redemption 2 Will Be “Even More Tedious” on Next-Gen Consoles

Posted on June 29, 2020 by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — In anticipation of upcoming next-gen video game consoles, Rockstar Games has promised an enhanced version of Red Dead Redemption 2, which will reportedly “push the limits of tedium” in modern gaming.

“With the original version of Red Dead Redemption 2, we set a new standard for what it means to be bored while playing a video game,” said a Rockstar spokesperson in an extremely long and repetitive virtual press conference. “But thanks to the exciting capabilities of the PS5 and Xbox Series X, players will be able to experience monotony more vividly than ever before.”

The company confirmed that the changes would go beyond simple graphical improvements, with the goal of immersing players more deeply into banality.

“We wanted to take the sluggish pacing of the original game and enhance it, bringing players even closer to the humdrum occurrences of their daily lives. For instance, many players complained that it takes several minutes for Arthur to dish up his soup and eat it every morning,” said the spokesperson while suspenseful music began to play. “Well, we heard you, and that’s why we are pleased to announce a brand new feature: 45-minute meals, mandatory, three times per day.”

The virtual conference then cut to 45 incredibly realistic minutes of Arthur Morgan taking individual spoonfuls of soup, blowing on them, and swallowing. Other than the occasional clearing of his throat, the only sound was the wind and the clicking of his spoon on the bowl.

“As for what happens when he’s finished digesting, you’ll just have to wait and see it for yourself,” said the spokesperson after the clip. “See it, hear it, and even—well, let’s just say you’ll be amazed.”

Reactions were mixed, with diehard fans among the most enthusiastic.

“I loved the original game, but sometimes I’d be finishing a 10-minute horse ride to complete a single fetch quest, and it’s like, I wish the game had given me a little time to enjoy the scenery,” said Lance Whist, a self-described Red Dead Head. “In the Old West, journeys from one town to another often took an entire day, or longer. Here’s hoping Rockstar embraces a bit of that realism.”

At the end of the press conference, Rockstar announced that the enhanced game would cost $60, paid exclusively in valid currency from 1899.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

One-Hit Wonder Strongly Considering Writing Second Hit

Posted on June 29, 2020 by Bobby Korec

MINNEAPOLIS — Pop-punk band Suburban Angst called an emergency band meeting on Friday to discuss a potential plan to write a second hit after their debut single, “Pivotal Brunch,” became an overnight smashing success, the band’s manager confirmed.

“I refuse to let our entire legacy be pigeonholed to one song about snorting coke in an IHOP restroom,” guitarist Trent Deluthe said after championing the idea for another hit. “Writing a second platinum-selling track would most definitely get that derisive ‘one-hit wonder’ title off of our backs. I just can’t believe all of these other ‘one and done’ bands hadn’t thought of rebranding and writing a second banger, too — you know, like Marcy Playground.”

“I’d totally whip up a new hit right now, if it weren’t for this crippling writer’s block,” Deluthe continued. “One day, I know a killer riff will magically come to me. Until then, I’ll be painstakingly writing shoddy breakup songs about all the exes who’ve left me, in lieu of getting proper therapy.”

Some fans, however, are disappointed by the band’s newfound popularity.

“I heard of them before anyone else, and I’ll have you know that their hit isn’t even the best song on the album,” long-time fan Ben Maplelean said while stroking his beard. “As someone who views music discussions as teachable moments, I used to casually slip in their band name during conversations at parties to totally impress the basics. Once their song took off, though, my ability to dazzle with obscure music references shrank considerably. Can’t bands think of their real fans before selfishly appealing to a wider audience? The nerve.”

Record executives have long encouraged bands to replicate the success of their debut singles.

“They better write another crowd-pleaser soon before they’re thrown into that reprehensible one-hit trash bin with the likes of Harvey Danger and Lit,” said Columbia Records executive Rhonda Barberer. “Sure, today they’re riding high, but just wait in 20 years when they’re ‘that’ band with ‘that’ song on their inevitable reunion tour, playing exclusively at casinos and amusement parks, and making fans wait until the very end of their set to hear ‘Mambo No. 5.’ How embarrassing.”

At press time, Suburban Angst released several demo and remix versions of their lone hit after failing to come up with any new “radio-friendly” material.

Local Nurse Assures Bored Friend That DIY Bang Trim Nothing to Worry About

Posted on June 29, 2020 by Krissy Howard

MARION, Ill. — Local nurse Ginnie Strathmore assured her friend Katie Nguyen this morning that the hacked-up, DIY haircut she gave herself around 2:45 a.m. isn’t anything to worry about, according to exhausted sources.

“I just finished working a double when I got a ton of slurred voice texts and blurry, weird pics of Katie crying in her bathroom with a haircut she gave herself with what I’m assuming were those plastic safety scissors they let kids use,” Strathmore recalled. “I’ve learned to deliver bad news calmly and objectively, so even though her hair looked like a less grown-out Jim Carrey in ‘Dumb & Dumber,’ I felt it was my professional responsibility to assure her it didn’t look that bad, and stay on the phone with her until she fell asleep… which was only like, 25 seconds later.”

Nguyen, who became bored within hours of her state’s latest lockdown order, consulted her friend in a moment of panic.

“I’m not really sure what happened… one minute it’s April, and then the next thing I know, I’ve learned the words to every Sugarcubes song ever written and my bangs aren’t even close to skimming my eyebrows,” the uninsured Nguyen said. “Thank god I have Ginnie — she always seems to be awake, especially lately, and has the best advice… like using condoms. Oh, and when she told me the mole I was worried about was actually just a piece of really old chocolate that got stuck to my back.”

Fellow medical professionals report an increase in “dumb as fuck” concerns by their own friends and family since states have tinkered with their stay-at-home orders.

“Ever since I started taking my prereqs, my friends and distant cousins have been reaching out to me with every little thing just to avoid going to a real doctor — and I usually don’t mind. It’s kinda fun diagnosing shit,” said medical intern Phillip DiStefano. “But lately, it seems like issues people are concerned about are not things that they should be FaceTiming me at work over. Like, just last week, I’ve had four friends text me on my break to ask if it was ‘shitty’ to get back on Tinder right now, and I’ve fielded over 13 Skype calls regarding my mom’s curtains.”

“God, I can’t wait for things to just go back to normal, and I can just assure my friends they don’t have genital warts or cancer, no matter what WebMD says,” he added.

We Sit Down With the Composer Who Only Uses Distorted Bass Notes to Make Soundtracks for YouTube Conspiracy Videos

Posted on June 29, 2020 by John Danek

Conspiracy theories are more popular than ever, and their success can be boiled down to one basic ingredient: ominous, distorted bass notes mixed perfectly underneath the narration.

Without distorted bass notes, we would live in a world where people didn’t believe that Bush did 9/11 to help the lizard people steal orgon energy from babies in pizza shops by exposing them to chemtrails.

We sat down with conspiracy composer Chet Savage and chatted about conspiracies, composing, and destroying subwoofers.

THE HARD TIMES: So what got you into composing for conspiracy videos?
SAVAGE: Way back in 2007, a high school acquaintance posted a link to Loose Change on his Facebook. I clicked and watched the funniest comedy I’ve ever seen in my life. Damn near every sentence uttered in that movie is nonsense. I couldn’t believe that some people take it seriously. But the soundtrack? Fucking slaps.
So you don’t believe in the conspiracies in these videos yourself?
Fuck no; I’m not an idiot. I’ve never successfully kept a secret in my life. So why would I think that there are groups of people hiding secrets about lizard people or the Illuminati? Someone would have leaked information for personal gain or fame already. Come on, son.
Noted. What are your musical inspirations?
Pretty much just the THX logo screen you see before some movies.
That’s it?
Yeah, that’s it. Just a lot of swelling and low rumbling. The deeper and fatter tone, the better. It lends an extreme gravitas to anything being said in a movie. And thus the world’s uncles and high school Christian acquaintances accept these messages as unimpeachable fact.
What are some of your favorite projects you worked on?
A few years back I scored a little YouTube video about the Clintons dumping uranium into the Washington D.C. water supply while Bill was in office. The movie sucked balls but one comment said: “The bass in this video is so strong, it blew out my subwoofer.” I’ve never been prouder of anything in my life.
Do you ever feel unethical about the fact that you profit on the spread of misinformation?
No. It’s not like I compose music for Fox News.

Man Not Sure When to Casually Bring Up Sepultura to Tow Truck Guy

Posted on June 29, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

PITTSBURGH — Local man Samuel Burke was reportedly unsure when to name drop heavy metal band Sepultura to the tow truck operator who hauled Burke’s damaged car to a mechanic earlier this week.

“The guy drives a tow truck: clearly, he’s a metalhead. He didn’t need to have long hair, sleeve tattoos, or a wallet chain to prove he loves metal. The tow truck was enough,” Burke explained. “I have short hair and was in a suit, but I wanted him to know I also love metal… and maybe that’d get me a bit of a discount. I needed a deep cut, too, so he knew I was legit, so obviously Sepultura was the right choice. But I couldn’t just start yapping about how ‘Roots’ is one of the greatest albums ever as soon as he got out of his truck — I’d look like I was trying way too hard.”

Unfortunately, tow truck driver Bret Cole did not pick up Burke’s subtle hints.

“As I pulled his car onto the bed, he kept talking about Brazil for some reason, and then said something about dead embryonic cells, which was really weird,” said Cole. “I asked if he needed a ride anywhere, and he said he was going to ‘…walk these dirty streets with hate in his mind.’ I get that he was upset after being in a car accident, but that’s not a healthy way to live your life.”

AAA spokesperson Amy Guzman noted this happens very often with their drivers.

“We get men who don’t know much about cars and try to look macho, so they bring up heavy metal almost immediately in a desperate attempt to relate,” Guzman said. “But our drivers are very nuanced people: some are Exodus fans, and others aren’t into thrash at all, preferring power metal bands like Manowar or Children of Bodom. So lumping them all together as heavy metal fans is an unfortunate stereotype that comes with the job.”

In related news, Burke has already made plans to bring up Dave Matthews Band with the insurance representative handling his claim.

Bullshit Photoshop Class Doesn’t Even Tell You How to Give Mario a Gun

Posted on June 28, 2020 by Seth Finkelstein

AUSTIN, Texas — Local graphic design student Rachel Valdez expressed frustration this week after realizing her Intro to Photoshop class would not cover how to place an image of a pistol into the hands of famous video game character Mario.

“I had this great idea for a meme where Mario points a gun at Bowser and says ‘She’d better not be in another castle,’ Valdez explained. “Instead, I have to listen to some guy drone on about ‘PNG files’ and ‘vector graphics.’ Who gives a shit?”

UT Austin Associate Professor Ari Chapman attempted to defend the controversial decision.

“Adobe Photoshop is one of the most powerful tools available for image editing and creation, and the fundamentals are important,” said Chapman, whose course syllabus provides no specific guidelines for importing a file called “gun.jpg” as a new layer, using the background eraser tool to isolate the image of the gun, and then using the magnetic lasso tool to crop Mario’s fingers and move them into a shape that looks like he’s holding the gun. “You can do many different things with Photoshop, but it’s important to know the basics before diving into anything specific.”

Several other students in the class also expressed their frustration that the syllabus didn’t include instructions on how to put people’s heads on celebrities’ bodies, make posters for fake Marvel and DC crossover films, or how to make photorealistic images of what Homer Simpson would look like if he existed in real life.

“It’s crazy that I have to turn to YouTube tutorials just to learn how to adjust the angle of the shadow on the gun using the Layer Style menu so it doesn’t stand out,” said Valdez. “This information is all free on the internet, so I don’t know why I paid $500 for this stupid class in the first place.”

At press time, Valdez had transferred into an Intro to Adobe Premiere class to learn how to do some crazy Tim and Eric shit.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Vault Boy Skin Introduces Dozens of Glitches to Smash Bros

Posted on June 28, 2020 by Andy Holt

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo released a statement this morning defending their latest patch to Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, which adds a new Vault Boy skin that, if used a single time, will infect the entire game with dozens of permanent, game-breaking glitches.

“As longtime fans and admirers of Bethesda Game Studios, we were excited to introduce the studio’s trademark style into Super Smash Bros with the new Vault Boy skin,” said the statement in part. “However, we felt that playing as Vault Boy just didn’t feel right with Nintendo’s highly stable, bug-free experience. So, we teamed up with Todd Howard to introduce some of that classic sloppy code players have come to expect from Bethesda.”

While the list continues to grow, among the most common glitches were sudden clipping off the map, delayed controller response, and horrifically distorted character models. One player even reported a corrupted game file that rendered Smash Bros. unplayable.

“When they said they were introducing a Bethesda crossover, I thought they just meant a cosmetic skin,” said Jenna Tobbins, a lifelong fan of both Bethesda and Nintendo. “But now that I’ve spent hours on troubleshooting forums, uninstalled Smash, wiped my Switch system completely, re-installed the game and somehow ended up making it worse, I can see that Nintendo really went all the way. It’s like I’m really playing a Fallout game!”

When reached for comment, Todd Howard expressed gratitude at the chance to collaborate with Nintendo to ruin such a fabled series.

“Here at Bethesda, we’ve dedicated our lives to breaking our own video games,” said Howard. “It was a rare honor to get the chance to break someone else’s.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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