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Local Nurse Assures Bored Friend That DIY Bang Trim Nothing to Worry About

MARION, Ill. — Local nurse Ginnie Strathmore assured her friend Katie Nguyen this morning that the hacked-up, DIY haircut she gave herself around 2:45 a.m. isn’t anything to worry about, according to exhausted sources.

“I just finished working a double when I got a ton of slurred voice texts and blurry, weird pics of Katie crying in her bathroom with a haircut she gave herself with what I’m assuming were those plastic safety scissors they let kids use,” Strathmore recalled. “I’ve learned to deliver bad news calmly and objectively, so even though her hair looked like a less grown-out Jim Carrey in ‘Dumb & Dumber,’ I felt it was my professional responsibility to assure her it didn’t look that bad, and stay on the phone with her until she fell asleep… which was only like, 25 seconds later.”

Nguyen, who became bored within hours of her state’s latest lockdown order, consulted her friend in a moment of panic.

“I’m not really sure what happened… one minute it’s April, and then the next thing I know, I’ve learned the words to every Sugarcubes song ever written and my bangs aren’t even close to skimming my eyebrows,” the uninsured Nguyen said. “Thank god I have Ginnie — she always seems to be awake, especially lately, and has the best advice… like using condoms. Oh, and when she told me the mole I was worried about was actually just a piece of really old chocolate that got stuck to my back.”

Fellow medical professionals report an increase in “dumb as fuck” concerns by their own friends and family since states have tinkered with their stay-at-home orders.

“Ever since I started taking my prereqs, my friends and distant cousins have been reaching out to me with every little thing just to avoid going to a real doctor — and I usually don’t mind. It’s kinda fun diagnosing shit,” said medical intern Phillip DiStefano. “But lately, it seems like issues people are concerned about are not things that they should be FaceTiming me at work over. Like, just last week, I’ve had four friends text me on my break to ask if it was ‘shitty’ to get back on Tinder right now, and I’ve fielded over 13 Skype calls regarding my mom’s curtains.”

“God, I can’t wait for things to just go back to normal, and I can just assure my friends they don’t have genital warts or cancer, no matter what WebMD says,” he added.