Man Not Sure When to Casually Bring Up Sepultura to Tow Truck Guy

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PITTSBURGH — Local man Samuel Burke was reportedly unsure when to name drop heavy metal band Sepultura to the tow truck operator who hauled Burke’s damaged car to a mechanic earlier this week.

“The guy drives a tow truck: clearly, he’s a metalhead. He didn’t need to have long hair, sleeve tattoos, or a wallet chain to prove he loves metal. The tow truck was enough,” Burke explained. “I have short hair and was in a suit, but I wanted him to know I also love metal… and maybe that’d get me a bit of a discount. I needed a deep cut, too, so he knew I was legit, so obviously Sepultura was the right choice. But I couldn’t just start yapping about how ‘Roots’ is one of the greatest albums ever as soon as he got out of his truck — I’d look like I was trying way too hard.”

Unfortunately, tow truck driver Bret Cole did not pick up Burke’s subtle hints.

“As I pulled his car onto the bed, he kept talking about Brazil for some reason, and then said something about dead embryonic cells, which was really weird,” said Cole. “I asked if he needed a ride anywhere, and he said he was going to ‘…walk these dirty streets with hate in his mind.’ I get that he was upset after being in a car accident, but that’s not a healthy way to live your life.”

AAA spokesperson Amy Guzman noted this happens very often with their drivers.

“We get men who don’t know much about cars and try to look macho, so they bring up heavy metal almost immediately in a desperate attempt to relate,” Guzman said. “But our drivers are very nuanced people: some are Exodus fans, and others aren’t into thrash at all, preferring power metal bands like Manowar or Children of Bodom. So lumping them all together as heavy metal fans is an unfortunate stereotype that comes with the job.”

In related news, Burke has already made plans to bring up Dave Matthews Band with the insurance representative handling his claim.

Bullshit Photoshop Class Doesn’t Even Tell You How to Give Mario a Gun

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

AUSTIN, Texas —  Local graphic design student Rachel Valdez expressed frustration this week after realizing her Intro to Photoshop class would not cover how to place an image of a pistol into the hands of famous video game character Mario. 

“I had this great idea for a meme where Mario points a gun at Bowser and says ‘She’d better not be in another castle,’ Valdez explained. “Instead, I have to listen to some guy drone on about ‘PNG files’ and ‘vector graphics.’ Who gives a shit?”

UT Austin Associate Professor Ari Chapman attempted to defend the controversial decision.

“Adobe Photoshop is one of the most powerful tools available for image editing and creation, and the fundamentals are important,” said Chapman, whose course syllabus provides no specific guidelines for importing a file called “gun.jpg” as a new layer, using the background eraser tool to isolate the image of the gun, and then using the magnetic lasso tool to crop Mario’s fingers and move them into a shape that looks like he’s holding the gun. “You can do many different things with Photoshop, but it’s important to know the basics before diving into anything specific.”

Several other students in the class also expressed their frustration that the syllabus didn’t include instructions on how to put people’s heads on celebrities’ bodies, make posters for fake Marvel and DC crossover films, or how to make photorealistic images of what Homer Simpson would look like if he existed in real life.

“It’s crazy that I have to turn to YouTube tutorials just to learn how to adjust the angle of the shadow on the gun using the Layer Style menu so it doesn’t stand out,” said Valdez. “This information is all free on the internet, so I don’t know why I paid $500 for this stupid class in the first place.”

At press time, Valdez had transferred into an Intro to Adobe Premiere class to learn how to do some crazy Tim and Eric shit.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Vault Boy Skin Introduces Dozens of Glitches to Smash Bros

Posted on by Andy Holt

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo released a statement this morning defending their latest patch to Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, which adds a new Vault Boy skin that, if used a single time, will infect the entire game with dozens of permanent, game-breaking glitches.

“As longtime fans and admirers of Bethesda Game Studios, we were excited to introduce the studio’s trademark style into Super Smash Bros with the new Vault Boy skin,” said the statement in part. “However, we felt that playing as Vault Boy just didn’t feel right with Nintendo’s highly stable, bug-free experience. So, we teamed up with Todd Howard to introduce some of that classic sloppy code players have come to expect from Bethesda.”

While the list continues to grow, among the most common glitches were sudden clipping off the map, delayed controller response, and horrifically distorted character models. One player even reported a corrupted game file that rendered Smash Bros. unplayable.

“When they said they were introducing a Bethesda crossover, I thought they just meant a cosmetic skin,” said Jenna Tobbins, a lifelong fan of both Bethesda and Nintendo. “But now that I’ve spent hours on troubleshooting forums, uninstalled Smash, wiped my Switch system completely, re-installed the game and somehow ended up making it worse, I can see that Nintendo really went all the way. It’s like I’m really playing a Fallout game!”

When reached for comment, Todd Howard expressed gratitude at the chance to collaborate with Nintendo to ruin such a fabled series.

“Here at Bethesda, we’ve dedicated our lives to breaking our own video games,” said Howard. “It was a rare honor to get the chance to break someone else’s.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Mary-Kate Olsen Recalls Meeting Ashley Olsen On Set of “Full House”

Posted on by Amir Adan

LOS ANGELES — Former child star Mary-Kate Olsen recounted yesterday her experience meeting her doppelgänger and “Full House” co-star Ashley Olsen during the filming of the show’s pilot in 1986, confused sources confirmed.

“Believe it or not, Ashley and I are not related by blood. We just happened to look almost identical, have the exact same birthday, and get cast on the same TV show. Just one of those wacky showbiz coincidences,” a nostalgic Mary-Kate reminisced via Instagram livestream. “It was ABC’s idea to pretend we were twins. I hated that I had to change my legal name to ‘Olsen,’ and they forced me to sign an NDA saying I couldn’t acknowledge my biological parents in public. But besides that, I really loved my time working with Ash.”

Casting director Raymond Schwartz explained how the show used the actresses’ uncanny resemblance to their advantage.

“We originally cast Mary-Kate as ‘Michelle’ and Ashley as a Steve Urkel, annoying-next-door-neighbor type. I honestly didn’t put two and two together until we got onto set for the first day of shooting and I kept confusing them for one another,” said Schwartz. “Of course, they didn’t look exactly alike, so one of them got some light plastic surgery. But it was worth it — two ‘Michelles’ got us get around those pesky child labor laws.”

Fellow cast members, however, didn’t remember the experience so fondly.

“I was so fucking weirded out by them. We all were, honestly,” said fellow “Full House” actor Bob Saget. “They really bought into the whole ‘twin’ thing and started dressing the same, wearing their hair the same… one even allegedly got a vocal cord scraping to make their voices sound the same. But the creepiest part was when they would start talking in that made-up, secret twin language that only they understood. [John] Stamos says he still has nightmares about it.”

When reached for comment, the genetic laboratory that created the third “Olsen daughter” Elizabeth, using DNA of Ashley and Mary-Kate, declined to comment.

Guy Super Strict About Social Distancing Unless Girl on Tinder Is Down

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

NEWINGTON, Conn. — Diligently safety-conscious man James Sadler is staying vigilant about social distancing practices, unless his recent Tinder match is interested in going over to his place.

“I wear a mask and gloves everywhere, I stay six feet apart from people, and no one is allowed in my apartment… unless of course, this girl I just matched with is down to clown. Then, whatever — let’s do the thing!” Sadler stated while messaging his latest Tinder match. “The last thing I would ever do is put anyone in danger and risk exposing others or myself to this virus, but if boning is on the table, you’ve gotta make exceptions. Always prioritize getting it in. Otherwise, it’s like the virus has already won.”

Cara Merkin, Sadler’s Tinder match, said she would “under basically no circumstances” go to Sadler’s apartment.

“Dudes’ apartments are already so gross that I try to spend as little time in them as possible, and now add this pandemic? Yeah, no thanks,” she said while scrolling through thousands of similar invites on Tinder. “I think we’re better off getting to know each other through chatting anyway, so I’m fine to wait a little bit to meet in person… unless of course he has a giant dong. Then I can be there in like, five minutes.”

Sadler’s roommate Gary Chin, however, is entirely opposed to it.

“We are not supposed to have people over — that’s the whole point of the social distancing. It’s like he doesn’t understand how this thing spreads,” Chin added while adjusting his mask and re-washing his hands. “My cousin hooked up a few weeks ago, and now he’s dead. And they didn’t even do any butt stuff, so like, totally not worth it. There is no way James is bringing a girl over during this pandemic… unless of course, she has a friend for me. Then, yeah, I’m on board.”

At press time, Merkin confirmed that she and Sadler did end up hooking up, and though she did get sick from it, it wasn’t COVID but rather a perfectly treatable STD.

We Visited the Island Where Humans Are Hunted for Sport and We Actually Had a Pretty Good Time

Posted on by James Knapp

At The Hard Times we feel it’s important to occasionally leave our comfort zone to seek out new places, cultures, and scenes. That’s why we recently traveled out over international waters to an island where eccentric billionaires stalk through a tropical rainforest hunting “the most dangerous game.”

Now we went over there with every intention of exposing this island’s horrible practices and shutting it down. But as soon as our private helicopter landed at the chateau and a man in a pith helmet handed us each an elephant gun, a cavalry saber and a pina colada we felt right at home.

This place ruled! It was absolutely beautiful, the staff attended to our every need, and honestly? It’s pretty fucking dope to hunt other human beings. Turns out you don’t need a billion dollars to enjoy that. Just an elephant gun and an open mind.

Now, we know what you’re probably thinking: “how could we put ourselves at risk like that? What if one of our quarries somehow managed to outwit us?” Well, no need to worry. As we soon found out, all of the hunted are dosed with a powerful sedative before they are released, which renders them virtually incapable of being aggressive. The first human we cornered could barely stand, even before we shot the entire top part of his skull off. Talk about a rush!

There was one disappointing aspect of our trip, which was that due to some bureaucratic nonsense known as “international law” we weren’t allowed to bring back any of the trophies we had gathered from our prey. This was unfortunate as we had amassed quite the collection of shin bones by that point. But by the end of our trip, it was the memories and friends we made along the way which we will truly cherish.

So if you’re looking for a destination for your next vacation, and have fourteen million dollars and access to the dark web, then allow us to recommend the island where humans are hunted for sport. And if you don’t have your hands on that kind of cash, we know another way you can get to the island that’s totally free. You just might not… leave.

Man Enters Third Year of Trying to Break In Doc Martens

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

SEATTLE — Local punk Kyle Treacher has entered his third year of trying to break in a pair of Doc Martens, struggling to stave off complete destruction of his feet and street cred.

“Goddamn these things. I’ve tried everything with these pieces of shit, from rubbing them with oil to having my buddy run them over with his truck, and they still hurt like a bastard,” said Treacher, rubbing his heels in anguish. “I spent $150 on these fucking boots, and for what? They’re not water-resistant, I can’t wear them hiking, and what do I need a steel toe for? I’m an IT specialist! All I’ve gotten from these are blisters, fallen arches, and possibly sciatica. I bought these things for the look, and I’ve never felt like a bigger asshole in my life.”

While Treacher’s friends admire his dedication, they privately admitted it might be time to move on.

“I told Kyle to ditch those poser boots and just go with something more practical, like Chucks,” said longtime friend Dan Lazaro, trying to get a pebble out of his own pair of Chuck Taylors. “These things are a lot more comfortable and easier to break-in. Plus, they don’t hurt your feet if you’re doing anything active, like Doc Martens do… unless you step on a pebble, or even a beer can tab. Those things will just pierce right through Chucks and shred your feet up good.”

When reached, reps from Doc Martens denied any responsibility.

“For 70 years, Doc Martens have existed for one purpose and one purpose only: to show others how punk you are by conforming to a specific trend,” said company rep Paul Hauser. “These boots have no real world applications, and aren’t even especially good quality — the only purpose our boots serve is to say, ‘I think I saw one of the Rancid guys wearing something similar once.’ If Mr. Treacher is that much of a slave to trends, then quite frankly, he deserves the corns and bunions he suffers.”

At press time, Treacher was seen buying red boot laces in an attempt to at least “spice them up a bit.”

Photo by James Knapp.

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Mario Kart DS, Kingdom Hearts 2, and Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

One of the earliest known (emphasis on ‘known’ here) cases of the United States committing war atrocities was around 1898. That’s when American troops massacred Filipino civilians to starve out revolutionaries. Of course, that level of needless violence is baked was baked into the country’s establishment itself. That’s why we need treaties like the Geneva Conventions. What would we get away with without them?

If you want a glimpse into that hypothetical, just look to the world of gaming. Every day, players step into the digital wild west and show us what a world without rules looks like. So let’s once again take a look at which games let us break the Geneva Conventions, and which allow us to uphold it.

Mario Kart is a warzone. Just look at all the bombs and homing shells meant to gun down your enemies. The problem of “military force” especially rears its ugly head Mario Kart DS, which features a literal tank as a kart option. Since article 3 of each Convention lays out protections for noncombatants, it’s safe to say that you’re exerting an extreme amount of force on your friends who are just trying to have fun when selecting this vehicle. The bottom line here: don’t be an asshole.

In most JRPGs, you generally have a healer on your team to keep your party safe. But not so fast: “The [red cross] emblem shall be displayed on the flags, armlets and on all equipment employed in the Medical Service.” That’s right; article 39 of the 2nd Geneva Convention very clearly states that anyone healing needs to be wearing that emblem. So perhaps Aerith got what was coming to her in the end. 

Speaking of emblems, let’s talk about Team Fortress 2’s spy. While spies can be used in wartime, there are very specific rules when it comes to tricking your enemy. Take article 38 of Additional Protocol 1: “It is also prohibited to misuse deliberately in an armed conflict other internationally recognized protective emblems, signs or signals.” While it doesn’t specifically say that you can’t fully embody a member of the other team, we feel like that’s reasonably implied here.

We have called out the Call of Duty series several times for its crimes against humanity, but we’ll give credit where credit is due. It’s perhaps the only game to abide by article 34 of Additional Protocol 1: “  The remains of persons who have died for reasons related to occupation or in detention resulting from occupation or hostilities and those of persons not nationals of the country in which they have died as a result of hostilities shall be respected.” Press F to uphold the Geneva Conventions.

When you walk away, you don’t hear me say “The Parties to the conflict shall take all feasible measures in order that children who have not attained the age of fifteen years do not take a direct part in hostilities.” Please, oh baby.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Fearful Rick Moranis Unable to Back Out of Contract That Allows Disney to Really Shrink Him

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

LOS ANGELES — In a twist that has put his return to movies into troubling context, beloved 80’s and 90’s film star Rick Moranis has confirmed that Disney is legally authorized to physically shrink his body for the new film Shrunk due to a stipulation in his contract.

“Read the fine print, kids,” Moranis told reporters. “Maybe you’re thinking right now, ‘how did you miss that in the contract?’ As if I was supposed to expect that they’d try and make me a guinea pig for some sick experiment?”

Mainstay Disney producer Jon Favreau took umbrage with Moranis’ comments, and issued a statement to assure the public that all precautions would be taken to shrink the star down to size safely.

“We aren’t using Rick Moranis, who I have to say is a legendary character actor, as a subject for some twisted experiment,” Favreau explained. “The truth he neglected to mention is that the shrink ray has already undergone rigorous testing in the moonshots division of the Imagineering Laboratory underneath Disneyland. We’re also hard at work developing a growth ray to return Rick back to his normal size by the time we wrap principal photography.”

Sources within Disney confirm the decision to use an actual shrink ray was made to answer complaints about uncanny special effects in recent years. Billions of dollars have already been invested to develop faster-than-light spaceships for the untitled 2022 Star Wars film already in pre-production.

“We haven’t been able to land any actors for the new Star Wars yet, by the way, so this is everyone’s chance!” Favreau stated. “All you need to do is agree to invasive psionic implants, and you’re in!”

When asked if he would try to break his contract following the realization of what he’d committed to, Moranis demurred. “God no, are you kidding? Disney gets what Disney wants. You wanna know why Paul Rudd looks so young in all those Marvel movies? Well lemme just say he’s not the first Paul Rudd, you know?”

At press time, Disney security had reportedly scrambled and begun a perimeter check after observing security footage showing John Boyega and Rick Moranis working together to escape from their holding cells.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Evil Cartoon Villain Still Manages to Be Completely P.C.

Posted on by Stephen Bell

OUTLANDIA — Dastardly cartoon villain and sorcerer born of hellfire Kindfresser is still somehow completely P.C. despite his abhorrent, wicked nature, according to reports from heroes of the fictional land of Outlandia.

“Look, I am an evil opportunity misanthrope with a general disdain for the people of Outlandia, regardless of their race, creed, gender, sexuality, or ability,” stated Kindfresser, Destroyer of Worlds, through blood-stained teeth. “It would be super hypocritical of me to expect others to accept me for who I am if I don’t respect who they are as people — delicious, delicious people. Besides, why use offensive or disparaging language towards the most marginalized people in our society when I can instead scream, ‘Curses!’ while pumping my fist in displeasure?”

Villager and Outlandia beet farmer Thrax Umlaut could not help but agree with this seemingly conflicting characterization.

“Kindfresser ate my kid, so naturally I hate him and can’t wait for Protagoman to thrust his blade of unending light into Kindfresser’s black heart. But it’s also hard to take Kindfresser seriously due to his high-pitched, effeminate voice and bumbling demeanor,” said Umlaut. “Even weirder is after eating my child, he apologized for using incorrect pronouns, and sheepishly walked off as if he couldn’t deal with the shame of looking like a bigot. It saved my life, but like, what the hell? That’s where you draw the line? I don’t get it.”

Protagoman, the musclebound hero and champion of Outlandia, noted Kindfresser’s schemes and insults were particularly lame “for a volcano-dwelling demon.”

“I mean, the guy torments the people of Outlandia to no end. His henchman are suspiciously diverse, which I guess is cool… but at the same time, it makes me think he’s just doing it so people applaud him. I don’t know. Plus, his insults towards me and my crew are all super childish — it’s like some hacky kid’s show writer is churning out his dialogue,” said Protagoman. “The other day, he said I was a ‘spandex-sporting donkey’ and that my hero companion Queen Kultak is a nincompoop. Bro, I just trapped you for all eternity inside The Mirror Zone of Elzador. And that’s the best you could come up with?”

At press time, Kindfresser sent a company-wide email, informing all of his evil lackeys that there would be an even more stringent policy on sexual harassment in the workplace.

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