SEATTLE — Local punk Kyle Treacher has entered his third year of trying to break in a pair of Doc Martens, struggling to stave off complete destruction of his feet and street cred.
“Goddamn these things. I’ve tried everything with these pieces of shit, from rubbing them with oil to having my buddy run them over with his truck, and they still hurt like a bastard,” said Treacher, rubbing his heels in anguish. “I spent $150 on these fucking boots, and for what? They’re not water-resistant, I can’t wear them hiking, and what do I need a steel toe for? I’m an IT specialist! All I’ve gotten from these are blisters, fallen arches, and possibly sciatica. I bought these things for the look, and I’ve never felt like a bigger asshole in my life.”
While Treacher’s friends admire his dedication, they privately admitted it might be time to move on.
“I told Kyle to ditch those poser boots and just go with something more practical, like Chucks,” said longtime friend Dan Lazaro, trying to get a pebble out of his own pair of Chuck Taylors. “These things are a lot more comfortable and easier to break-in. Plus, they don’t hurt your feet if you’re doing anything active, like Doc Martens do… unless you step on a pebble, or even a beer can tab. Those things will just pierce right through Chucks and shred your feet up good.”
When reached, reps from Doc Martens denied any responsibility.
“For 70 years, Doc Martens have existed for one purpose and one purpose only: to show others how punk you are by conforming to a specific trend,” said company rep Paul Hauser. “These boots have no real world applications, and aren’t even especially good quality — the only purpose our boots serve is to say, ‘I think I saw one of the Rancid guys wearing something similar once.’ If Mr. Treacher is that much of a slave to trends, then quite frankly, he deserves the corns and bunions he suffers.”
At press time, Treacher was seen buying red boot laces in an attempt to at least “spice them up a bit.”
Photo by James Knapp.