Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Nintendo Reveals Mario’s Full Canonical Name to be Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario-Mario

Posted on September 1, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo sent shockwaves through the gaming industry today as they announced that their iconic mascot Mario’s canonical name is actually Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario-Mario.

“Everyone loved finding out that Mario’s name was really Mario Mario,” said Shigeru Miyamoto, who created the character along with many others. “But that was merely the tip of the iceberg. I always pictured Mario as this descendant from a long line of similar heroes, maybe like Link a little bit, only in the Mario world, every generation adds a ‘Mario.’ So he symbolically carries around eight generations of Marios with him while he’s saving the princess and everything else.”

Shigeru went on to reveal that Mario’s longtime sidekick and brother’s full name is Luigi Luigi Mario Luigi Luigi Mario-Luigi. The news has brought upon very mixed reactions online thus far.

“Wait, so you’re telling me Mario has five middle names and they are all Mario as well?” asked Logan Cooper a lifetime Nintendo fan. “Awesome! Mario has been my favorite character all my life and I know exactly three things about him, so it’s such a thrill to get a little bit more of a backstory on him. Really makes you appreciate the work they put into building the lore, although it’s weird that we’re just hearing about this now.”

As of press time, Nintendo has announced that 2021 will be The Year of Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario Mario-Mario and that all future games and rereleases will reflect the character’s full name in their titles from now on.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Gamer Disgusted to Discover They Just Watched Nick Robinson Video

Posted on September 1, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local gamer Jesse Cooper was reportedly horrified to discover the 15-minute YouTube video they just finished was made by disgraced former Polygon employee Nick Robinson, according to those familiar with the situation.

“The algorithm recommended some fucking video about, I don’t know, the guy who worked on TimeSplitters 2 doing jumping jacks or whatever, and when I got to the end it said ‘made by Nick Robinson.’ I don’t want to watch a video made by some sex creep! Literally no video game YouTube essay is worth that!” Cooper said. “It’s like he knows, too, because he wasn’t in the video at all. It was all voice over. And sure, his voice sounded dumb and recognizable, but I figured that’s because it was a YouTube video about video games and they all sound like that. Fuck!”

Despite the disturbing sexual harassment allegations against Robinson, many fans say that he deserves a second chance.

“Hasn’t Nick suffered enough?” said one of many comments on the YouTube video. “Are you saying that he should never have a job again? Not even the exact same job he had when he was a creep? Specifically the kind of job that allowed him to be a creep in the first place? Leave him alone!”

“I just think it’s ridiculous that cancel culture has ruined this man’s life,” said one of 1,400 identical other comments on the video, as well.

At press time, Nick Robinson was not asked to comment, but he slid into our DMs to do so anyway.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Help! I Opened This Tool CD Wrong and Now I’m in Pinhead’s Lair

Posted on September 1, 2020 by Anthony Vito

I’m sending out this message because I made a mistake and now I’m in grave danger.

On my annual drive up to Holyoke to visit my parents, I ran out of episodes of “WTF” to listen to. I still had an hour to go, and free Spotify sucks, so I thought I’d pick up an old fashioned CD or two for the rest of the trip.

Pulling into the next main street, I found a second-hand shop. I knew the place was a little off from the second I walked in — There were monkeys in cages, shrunken heads, and weird figurines of people doing things like sixty-nineing. A skinny, bearded man sat silently at the counter, burning sage and smiling in my direction. When I say bearded, I mean BEARDED. The beard went all the way up to his eyes.

I uncomfortably rummaged through the CD bin when one title caught my attention: Tool’s “Lateralus.” I recalled liking it well enough when I was a high school stoner, and I wanted to get the hell out of there pronto, so I dropped the $3 on the counter and ran, ignoring beardo’s ominous warnings.

When I got back to my car, I opened the jewel case and popped the CD into the stereo. The familiar odd-time opening of “The Grudge” pulsated through the speakers.

Now here’s where shit gets crazy. The booklet included in “Lateralus” is this trippy diagram of a human body that loses parts with every page you flip through, until you’re left with nothing but a psychedelic space void thing at the end.

I made the mistake of flipping through the pages BACKWARDS, rebuilding the body as I went. As soon as I hit the front page the sky went black, and chains with hooks at the end came blasting out, piercing my skin and dragging me into the CD case.

Now I find myself chained to a wall in a dungeon. My phone got caught up in the chains, so I’m able to dictate this message. There are a bunch of weird creatures looming over me, and their leader is this leather daddy with nails stuck all over his head. Like half dominatrix, half knitting ball.

His voice is commanding, and kind of erotic. Like if Sir Patrick Stewart narrated snuff porn.

The intro to “The Grudge” is still playing in the background.

Oh god, he’s tightening the chains! Send help, please. The hooks are digging deeper into my skin.

Wait, is the CD skipping or what? Is the intro really this fucking long??

Oh fuck, he’s coming closer. The hooks are tearing at my flesh, but… It doesn’t hurt anymore?

Nail man is right up in my face now, staring into my soul. Take me daddy, I’m yours.

On second thought, I think I like it here. Disregard this message. But can somebody please find my car and stop this goddamned CD? Thanks.

Are you a punk horror nerd? Check out our horror movie podcast The Horror Times! Each week our writers and editors watch and discuss a classic horror movie with original sketches and songs inspired by the films:

Expanding QAnon Universe Finally Casts Its Black, Female Villain

Posted on September 1, 2020 by Kory Lanphear

WASHINGTON — QAnon finally added a Black, female villain to its substantial cast, now that Kamala Harris has accepted the nomination for Vice President, conspiracy nerds and pedophilia fanboys alike confirmed.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said a Riverside, Calif. woman who goes only by the name “Twilit.” “There is so much material to work with. A relentless former prosecutor who is also a child molester? There are a lot of directions they can take this character. Whenever a new female antagonist is introduced into the QAnon world, I always get excited about their backstory — like when it was revealed that Angela Merkel was Hitler’s granddaughter. That’s just a masterclass in writing.”

The QAnon canon can be hard to penetrate for the casual fan. But with Harris’s involvement, the series will seek to extend its reach beyond the core demographic of Facebook employees and Georgia politicians.

“I usually prefer inter-dimensional, shape-shifting, lizard-based content,” said QAnon super fan Pamela Turner. “But I’ve really been enjoying the direction Q is taking with their writing lately. Some people say accusing public figures of easily debunked, far-fetched crimes is lazy, but I say those people are just brainwashed lemmings suckling off the cursed teat of George Soros. And I love the fact that she’s Black — I found it troubling that only white people seemed to be ruining the world for hard-working Americans.”

Longtime QAnon cast veterans are also thrilled to have Harris aboard, if only to share the significant burden of spreading left wing malevolence while juggling their workaday lives.

“Kamala is really going to bring fresh energy, especially to devil-worshipping. A lot of people thought I was brought on to be the first woman of color to scare the masses, but they all think I’m a man, so it didn’t work,” said celebrated QAnon supervillain and former First Lady Michelle Obama. “Orchestrating a sinister cabal of Covid-manufacturing, Hollywood liberals can be exhausting. Black Lives Matter protesters need to be paid, humans need to be trafficked… it’s a grind. American’s children aren’t going to eat themselves, you know.”

QAnon is reportedly reserving massive floorspace for next year’s Conspiracy Convention in Shreveport, La., with tickets available for purchase via dockyard payphone or any local fentanyl dealer.

5 Tips for Avoiding Your Coked Out Mom at the Buckcherry Concert

Posted on September 1, 2020 by Rose Vineshank

The night is young. You have a Monster Energy Drink in one hand, and a Mad Dog 2020 in the other. Your knuckles are already healing from your pre-show celebratory wall-punch, and you’re ready to jump around like you’re dodging alimony payments.

Unfortunately, Mom was the 69th caller on Mad Dog F.M, so she will also be at the Buckcherry concert coked out of her god damned skull.

One false move and you will be trapped listening to Mom talk at you about how “Crazy Bitch” was written about her, again. The Hard Times is here to help.

1. Know The Look
Though you walk through the valley of the shadow of your mom, you fear not running into her. Her “iconic” look is recognizable from a distance. As soon as you see that Minions neck tattoo, run the other way. If you see Kelly Clarkson highlights so chunky and uneven her head looks like a Rorschach test, best be getting out of there.

If you see a “Live Laugh Love” tramp stamp, it’s time to live laugh leave.

2. Do Drugs
A wise man knows you cannot fight fire with fire. Instead, you must fight fire with wet drippy fire, also known as water. In order to avoid your mom’s chaotic energy at this time, you need to emit the opposite vibes. What is the opposite of cocaine? Acid. If you can feel an extreme sense of oneness with everyone at this concert, then it’s not YOUR mom sitting on some 20-year old’s shoulders throwing her bra on stage, it’s EVERYONE’S momm throwing everyones bra at everybody. Isn’t that fucking wild?

3. Stop Selling Your Mom Coke
This might seem counterintuitive, considering selling your mom coke is how you were able to afford your ticket in the first place. That being said, it’s time to work on some healthy boundaries. Try selling her Ketamine instead.

4. Use A Decoy
Find some guy with tattoos and a guitar to yell about how emotionally unstable, yet adept at intercourse his ex is. It should not be hard, considering most guys who feel this way about the women in their life also have guitars. Knock on your mom’s door, shove this guy into her apartment and tell her it’s Buckcherry. In reality, his name is probably Matt or Uncle Kracker or something, but we guarantee you she will not know the difference.

5. Join Buckcherry
Buckcherry has been known to take in wayward stragglers, so this is actually the easiest tip on the list. As soon as your mom sees you on stage, she’s gonna think it’s the biggest buzzkill ever. Now the Buckcherry concert is basically an Ed Hardy version of your lame middle school clarinet recital, and no amount of cocaine could make that tolerable for her.

Anti-Masker Rips Off Pop Filter to Record Vocals

Posted on September 1, 2020 by Tom Peters

DALLAS — Amateur musician and anti-mask advocate Charlie McGill forcibly removed the pop filter from a mic stand yesterday while recording vocals for a new solo EP, confused studio personnel confirm.

“This whole thing is getting ridiculous,” McGill said, sending flecks of spittle flying through the air. “There is absolutely no evidence I choose to agree with that proves pop filters even do anything. It’s crazy how many brainwashed people I see complying with the rules of basic recording, just because of something they read on a Gearslutz thread. If God wanted us to neuter our consonants, we’d be born with windscreens over our mouths. Besides, it’s emasculating — when I sing, ‘Impale me on your love sword, baby,’ it can’t be filtered through some wussy piece of pantyhose. I want my fans to feel the full force of my rock… even if they have to replace their speakers afterward.”

Attempts to reason with McGill were ultimately unsuccessful.

“It was pretty much impossible to convince him that the pop filter was not only harmless, but important,” said studio engineer Erin Carmowner. “I almost got through to him by comparing it to the way unwanted light gets filtered out by his wraparound sunglasses. But when I explained that plosives can actually damage my expensive ribbon mics, he got really flustered and took out his phone to start filming me. Thankfully, he couldn’t press record because his screen was so cracked. He must not believe in phone cases, either.”

Despite overwhelming evidence of their effectiveness, the anti-pop filter movement has gained support through Facebook groups and online tutorial videos.

“The media wants you to believe this is a much bigger problem than it really is,” said YouTuber Dylan Cagle. “I mean, statistically, not that many words even have ‘P’ sounds. But hey, if I pop, I pop. It beats the alternative of living in fear. I just wish people would do their own research instead of blindly following instructions. Be sure to like and subscribe, and leave a comment if you agree.”

At press time, studio engineers had placated McGill by letting him sing through an SM-58.

Photo by Jerrod Kingery

Coward Hour Coil Exclusive: Bae

Posted on September 1, 2020 by Coward Hour

Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend into conspiracy-laden mental illness. Trust your gut, and prepare for The Event.

New to the show? Listen to our “Best Of” episode.

On this premium episode of Coward Hour, we, unfortunately, discuss Nik’s new favorite Netflix Original series.

Report: Shields May Be as Low as 30%

Posted on August 31, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

THE GHOST NEBULA — While battling the warrior race, The Zardecks, experts on the Spaceship Baychimo, warn that the ship’s shields have dropped to 30% and that one more direct hit like that one will cause them to drop even further.

“I was just reporting what the computer told me,” Ensign G’Aor, a member of the Pvvsi alien species, said via universal translator. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, it seems like everytime we are hit by the smallest phaser the entire com panel explodes into sparks and I’m thrown across the room.”

Captain Johnnie Jones refused to believe this to be possible and called the report “fake news.”

“We have the most powerful ship in the galaxy and two Zardeckian death cruisers are no match for us,” Captain Jones told his crew. “I called down to engineering and demanded that they give us everything they have into the shields. They claim they were giving it all they got, but I knew they were holding back. This is like when I demand they go faster, they say they can’t but I demand it and they do. This is why I’m in the big chair.”

Ship architect Elizabeth Ortega isn’t surprised in the slightest.

“Honestly, I don’t know what is holding that ship together,” Ortega said. “It was designed for exploration, not battle. But it seems like every other day that meathead offends some alien or gets pulled into a conflict between two warring factions. You’d think with 93 billion light years of universe to explore he could avoid being fired on. Maybe we should spend less money on plasma torpedoes and buy some diplomacy lessons.”

As of press time, Jones demanded all power be put to forward shields which actually can’t be done but the crew pretended to anyway.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Heartwarming: Christian and Atheist YouTubers Used to Hate Each Other But Now Agree the White Race is Under Attack

Posted on August 31, 2020 by Hard Drive Staff

Most people think Christians and Atheists get along like cats and dogs! But these two YouTubers are smashing stereotypes by showing you can get along with someone who has different views on religion, so long as you both think America is for Europeans only.

Ten years ago, YouTubers CruisinForChrist and LogicMan5000 were constantly fighting on the budding online video platform. “I originally joined YouTube in 2006 to support teaching evolution in schools and to promote our evangelical president,” explained CruisinForChrist. “But boy things have changed!”

“They sure have,” agreed LogicMan5000. “I got into YouTube back in 2007 to let the world know God isn’t real, and also that we need to fix our age of consent laws. Me and Cruisin’ butted heads almost immediately. We used to have screaming Skype debates where he’d try and debunk evolution, but now we’re friends!”

And what brought these two together? A shared belief that Muslims and other immigrants are deliberately trying to displace white populations around the world.

“A few years ago we saw that, even though we had different beliefs, our videos were being recommended to the same people,” said CruisinForChrist. “It’s inspiring that the YouTube algorithm can take someone interested in a science-based approach to racism and show them religious, authoritarian racism and vice-versa. And people who watch a single video game review will see both types of racism on their homepage for at least two weeks for some reason.”

“I called up Cruisin’ and said we need to stop focusing on our differences and start focusing on the differences of others,” said LogicMan. In just a few short years, these two inspiring vloggers went from bitter enemies to best of friends. They even meet up in real life to eat pizza and watch SJWs Getting Owned compilations.

In an increasingly divided America, it’s heartening to see two opposing groups like Atheists and Christians getting along. Could the friendship of these YouTubers pave the way for a healing America? Said CruisinForChrist, “It turns out that no matter if you agree that evolution was God or Darwin or Buddha whatever, what’s important is that some people are just genetically superior to others.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Work-From-Home Parents Never Realized How Often Son Masturbates

Posted on August 31, 2020 by Billy Patterson

HAGERSTOWN, Md. — After months of working from home, local parents Ron and Melinda Zimmerman came to the stunning realization yesterday that their teenage son Josh masturbates far more than they thought physically possible.

“My wife and I suspected he was at the age where boys start discovering their bodies,” said Ron. “But now that we’re stuck in the same house all day, it’s painfully clear that he’s always in his room, in the shower, or ‘cleaning the garage’ and pleasuring himself to the point that severe chafing, or at least dehydration, has to be occurring. He’s doing it at least 15 times a day, and those are just the ones we notice. It’s getting really hard to ignore, especially for Melinda — she’s working from the upstairs office and she can’t focus on anything with Josh constantly cranking in the next room.”

14-year-old Josh Zimmerman reported that the close confines of quarantine have had a negative impact on him as well.

“With Mom and Dad home all the time, I haven’t been able to jack off in peace since March. It’s driving me crazy: last week I told Dad there was a raccoon in the shed, just so I could get him out of the house for a while,” said the teenager. “They have no idea. I’m pretty stealthy — I play music to cover the sound, and when I borrow their lotion, I always say it’s ‘definitely just for my hands.’ I once accidentally connected to the smart TV in the living room while I was watching porn, but I told Mom it was Russian hackers. I think she believed me because she canceled all her credit cards after that.”

Julia Gutierrez, a professor at the University of Maryland specializing in human sexuality, claimed that many American parents have experienced similar epiphanies during the lockdown.

“Before quarantine, parents could assume that their daughter was innocently watching TV while they were out, or that their son was just getting very, very clean during his 30-minute showers. But with everyone stuck at home, parents are forced to confront the fact that their teenage children are indeed masturbating all the time. It’s an uncomfortable truth, and they can try to address it with a mature family dialogue, but it’s really better for everyone if they just put locks on all the doors and pretend to be ignorant.”

At press time, the Zimmerman children were complaining to one another about heavy breathing and pounding sounds once again emanating from their parents’ bedroom.

Are you a punk horror nerd? Check out our horror movie podcast The Horror Times! Each week our writers and editors watch and discuss a classic horror movie with original sketches and songs inspired by the films:

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