RALEIGH, N.C. — Local procurement specialist Will Abbott revealed that he spent nearly an entire afternoon skimming the rules, players, and developing storylines of competitive soccer, providing him with enough knowledge to condescendingly explain the sport to women, confirmed sources.
“Ever since I watched my first match last week, I’ve become something of a hooligan for the beautiful game,” Abbott said. “As the office’s resident expert, it’s my job to make sure that all the casual fans know what they’re talking about, including that it’s actually called ‘football,’ not ‘soccer.’ I wouldn’t want them to embarrass themselves in front of their friends or husbands! Weirdly, nobody has asked me any questions yet—I think they must be intimidated by me—so I’ve made a point to interrupt any conversation even remotely related to the sport and immediately share my thoughtful and compelling takes. It’s important that I speak as loudly as possible when opining on the intricacies of the game, so that even co-workers wearing headphones have the opportunity to learn something about our nation’s fourth most popular sport.”
Abbott’s colleagues at Granstrum Dynamics have been hesitant to fully engage with his attempts at conversation.
“We had the game on in the break room, and Will spent our entire lunch hour announcing whether each player was on or offside,” said Abbott’s co-worker Brenda Romero. “At one point he claimed the ref was offside—I don’t even think that’s possible. Then he tried to argue that all the best games end 0-0, and he made sure we knew that it’s actually called nil-nil. I try to just ignore him. Now that his wife took their kids, pretending to know a lot about soccer is the only thing he has going for him.”
Abbott, whose own soccer career ended after scoring an own goal in the second grade, is not the only one to let his newfound enthusiasm for the sport turn him into his workplace’s most insufferable employee, which is why representatives from FIFA provided their opinion on the matter.
“Mansplaining is one of our sport’s most storied traditions, and the knowledge required to do so has never been more accessible,” said FIFA spokesperson Callum Sims. “Our broadcast partners are providing 24/7 coverage across cable, streaming packages, and our official mobile app, so now new fans across the globe can adopt the tools they need to arrogantly demonstrate their superiority to their helpless officemates.”
At press time, Abbott was less than a year away from mansplaining the Women’s World Cup.
