WASHINGTON — A much-needed romantic night out ended in tragedy after Cheryl Hines finally kissed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on the lips, leading to an inevitable, fatal case of sepsis, confirmed sources.
“We’ve been married since 2014, so trust me—we kiss a lot,” a defensive Kennedy began. “There’s just no way that my frothy saliva, always dissolving an assortment of decaying meat-crud from the depths of my gums, could dismantle her immune system. She probably took some rushed vaccine or used a soap that’s too effective when I wasn’t looking. Yeah, that’s it! I mean, we’re both fit, which is why we planned this romantic getaway to begin with—she’s an actress, I’m acting as the Secretary of Health, and we were planning on more than just kisses—sex. We were planning on having sexual intercourse.”
Scott Anderson, their visibly shaken server at a restaurant called Boned Broth, desperately wanted to share his account of what led up to Hines’ passing.
“I should have said something. From the moment I saw what happened in the b-b-bathroom, I should have,” Anderson trailed off, clasping his trembling hands together. “RFK Jr. sat down in a stall. Then came number-two sounds. He never shut his door. I saw everything in the mirror. He didn’t flush, or wipe, or wash his hands. When he realized he had company, he looked right at me and just…started laughing? But it was somehow a howl, too. I never heard anything like it—made the hair on my neck stand up, so I turned and ran. Fight-or-flight response—I really wish I fought for her instead of fleeing like a coward.”
Acting Director of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Jay Bhattacharya let out a heavy sigh before pulling out a massive case file once he heard the news.
“This is going to make mad cow disease look like ‘Chicken Little,’” the gruff Bhattacharya meandered while sharpening a large bowie knife. “Since we first crossed paths, that RFK Jr. has been a volatile firecracker begging for a spark. Sounds like he finally met his match. Till death do us part, I suppose. I’m not going to sugarcoat this—whatever RFK Jr. was containing has finally escaped, and there’s no going back. This is humanity’s 9/11.”
At press time, Kennedy gurgled the word “lawyer” while Googling “taxidermy near me.”
