Metal Band Fulfills Diversity Initiative by Adding Blonde Guitarist

Posted on by Ted Pillow

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Metal band Beneath the Bottomless Pit added blond-haired guitarist Kevin Slater to their line-up yesterday, fulfilling a diversity initiative mandated by their record label and drawing widespread praise from the band’s PR team.

“This is one small step for guys with blond hair, and one giant leap for metal,” proclaimed frontman Garrett Powers. “For years, metal has lacked representation, but adding Kevin was just the first step in our bold, new diversity initiative. We are going to lead by example with our radically progressive inclusivity — which is why I’m excited to announce that by 2040, we will have a drummer without tribal tattoos!”

Slater claimed he faced his share of adversity as a fair-haired guitarist in the metal community.

“So many metalheads only see hair color,” Slater told reporters. “I’d show up to band try-outs and fucking shred, but they’d say I needed to dye my hair brown or black if I wanted in. There’s one other band that actually gave me a shot, but it didn’t work out — they kicked me out after I played one show with them because everyone started calling us Hanson. They said if I had a Swedish accent, I might work, but I don’t. I can’t even fake it.”

The move, however, does have its detractors.

“Guys like myself with long, stringy, unwashed dark hair have built our livelihoods on metal,” explained out-of-work guitarist Ed Laremy. “And now, just because of some government program bullshit, all these blond jerks are taking our jobs. How would you guys like it if I stole your jobs, huh? Hell, that’s exactly what I’m going to do: I’m going to learn how to swim and get one of them cushy lifeguarding jobs.”

At press time, some members of Beneath the Bottomless Pit were having second thoughts after Slater showed up for his first band practice with a tan.

Middle-School Tattoo Artist Can Only Do Transparent Cube, Working on That “S” Thing

Posted on by Alan Khanukaev

Sacramento, Calif. — Northpoint Middle School seventh grader and tattoo wunderkind Connor Butler is quickly expanding his portfolio from a transparent cube to the decidedly more badass “S” thing, stoked sources reported.

“I don’t think I’m special or anything. I had to work my way up drawing on stolen oranges. I mean, I got them from home, but like, I didn’t tell my mom I was taking them,” Butler confessed. “Then I got an apprenticeship under this ninth grader — he’s pretty well known; he can do the Linkin Park logo, and he vapes. He had me start with the basics: anarchy symbol, the ‘Flash’ logo, your classic dick with and without pubes… but my transparent cube is really what put me on the map. After doing that for a bit, I knew it was time to test the limits of my talent with the pointy ‘S.’”

Northpoint faculty member and resident cool teacher Aaron Price believes that part of his role is to nurture budding talent like Butler’s.

“First of all, Mr. Price was my stepdad. You can call me Aaron,” Price said while sitting performatively on the edge of his desk. “I have to say, I’m not surprised. I know everyone’s way into Connor’s cubes, but I was following his work back in the infinity symbol period — man, his sideways eights were transcendent. I knew I had to sit for a piece while I still could, so I had him do the Dalai Lama’s birthday in bubble letters right next to this super meaningful tribal tat I got in Santa Monica.”

Unfortunately, Northpoint students aren’t all excited by Butler’s rising popularity.

“You’re kidding, right? That dude sucks,” admitted classmate Sammy Lopez. “Look, I’m not saying his cube isn’t sick — it totally is, some of the straightest lines I’ve ever seen. But all his shit is so basic and mainstream. He came in last week bragging that he learned to do the Green Day logo on a pig ear, which is stupid, because it’s literally just ‘Green’ and ‘Day’ badly drawn.”

Butler is reportedly purchasing a Japanese Tabori tool to attempt authentic “Dragon Ball Z” tattoos.

We Look Back on “Love in an Elevator” and Ask Why the Fuck We’re Listening To Aerosmith

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

“Love in an Elevator” is a song by Aerosmith that appeared on their 1989 album “Pump.” If you are asking why in God’s name we’re talking about one of the worst songs by one of the worst mainstream rock bands to ever exist, well then we wish you were at Shawn’s apartment last night to echo our sentiments.

We didn’t pick the playlist, but now that Goddamn song is stuck in our head. The worst part is, it’s not even that memorable! Sure, we can remember the chorus, but when we open our mouth to sing, black goo starts running out of our nose and our thoughts turn to flashing images of our family member’s heads on spikes. This song is bad.

So why the fuck are we listening to Aerosmith right now? Is it because Shawn secretly likes Aerosmith? Is it because Shawn knows we stole $20 off his desk when we got here? No clue. All we know for sure is that Shawn’s a bad friend.

We could understand listening to “Dream On” or even that Eminem song that sampled it. To be frank, it’d be a better look blasting “Dude Looks Like a Lady” in 2020 than to be caught listening to “Love in an Elevator” at any point in history. Even if it’s by accident, the second you hear that unremarkable intro riff of guitars or drums or whatever, you should probably just start running. No one will judge you. At least not as hard as they would judge you for listening to “Love in an Elevator.”

That said, the lyrics are pretty good.

Punk Electrocuted Trying To Siphon Tesla

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local hooligan and member of the San Jose punk scene Todd Bettina was severely electrocuted yesterday after mistakenly trying to siphon gas from a Tesla.

“With the economy going to hell in a handbasket, my side hustle of dancing jigs for spare change outside the 7-Eleven has really started to dry up — and with my band about to hit the road, I needed to siphon some gas. So, I found this yuppie schmuck doctor parked outside the hospital driving something called a ‘Tesla,’ and went to work,” said Bettina. “Everything was going great until my arm went numb and the metal fillings in my mouth melted. I didn’t even know they made electric cars.”

Parking lot attendant Tamas Hovik was the only witness to the incredibly violent incident.

“I saw him tiptoeing over to the Tesla with a pack of Altoids and a small length of garden hose. I thought, ‘He’s not that dumb, is he?’ And yeah, I could’ve stopped him, but I really wanted to see how it’d play out,” said Hovik. “I know it’s stupid, but I assumed getting electrocuted would be comical — like the time Al Bundy touched the broken Christmas lights, or some Looney Tunes type of shit. Maybe his hair would stand up and we’d see his skeleton, you know? But TV and movies really didn’t prepare me for all the extreme defecation and bleeding from the eyes and ears.”

Bettina’s friend Simone Potenza visited him in the hospital, and was surprised by Bettina’s seeming lack of remorse or understanding of the seriousness of the situation.

“I was telling him how lucky he was to be alive. But he just kept asking me to place my keys on his face to see if he had ‘magnet super powers,’” Potenza stated. “When I refused, he started pointing at me menacingly like he was trying to shoot lightning from his fingertips and kept insisting that I call him ‘Powder’ from now on.”

Immediately after being released from the hospital, Bettina accidentally trapped himself inside an automated, driverless car for nearly 22 hours following a failed carjacking attempt.

Here Is Everything We Know So Far About 1996’s Nintendo 64

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Released to much acclaim and commercial success back in 1996, the Nintendo 64 is a system that continues to captivate the attention and imagination of gamers, even today. In the decades since its release, many details have come to light about the system, yet it can still be incredibly frustrating to find all of them in one streamlined place.  So with that in mind, here is everything we know so far about the Nintendo 64, released 24 years ago this month. 

  • Nicknamed “Project Reality” and “Ultra 64,” at different points of its inception. 
  • A part of the fifth generation of video game consoles
  • Retailed for $199.99 at launch 
  • Games held on either 32 or 64 MB cartridges 
  • First unveiled to the public on November 24, 1995
  • Displays resolutions from 320×240 to 640×480 pixels.
  • Four controller ports (!)
  • The central processing unit is an NEC VR4300
  • Contains 4 MB of Rambus RDRAM, which was later made expandable to 8MB (more on that later)
  • At one point was meant to launch in Christmas of 1995, before being pushed back to the following September
  • Outputted video in two formats; S-video and composite
  • Dozens of sports titles available
  • Directly competed with Sega’s Saturn and Sony’s PlayStation
  • Named Time magazine’s 1996 ‘Machine of the Year’
  • Rumble Pak peripheral made it the first gaming console to feature vibration feedback
  • Sold significantly better in North America than in Japan. 
  • Craig got one
  • Software library includes such classics as Mario 64, Super Smash Brothers, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Star Fox 64, Donkey Kong 64, GoldenEye, and others.  
  • Software library will never ever appear on Nintendo Online service for the Switch, despite the public clamoring for it
  • Available in several colors, with dark grey being the standard
  • Does not play tapes 
  • 296 Nintendo 64 games have been released so far, most of them coming in the late ‘90s.
  • Probably would be okay to carry one onto a flight, but none of us are sure why you would want to. 
  • Launched with just two games in North America, Pilotwings 64 and Super Mario 64
  • There will never be a Nintendo 64 Mini, despite the public clamoring for it 
  • They made an extra chip you could put in it 
  • Though not advertised in the title, was significantly more “Super” than the Super Nintendo of 5 years earlier. 
  • Not backward or forwards compatible with any other system’s library.
  • There is NOT a little guy in there that makes the games play 

Well there you have it, an exhaustive list of everything we know (so far) about the Nintendo 64 system. Stay tuned to this space, as we will be updating it as more details become known! We are always learning new things about the world of video games.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Superman Banishes General Zod to Tucker Carlson Guest Box

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

METROPOLIS — After a brutal and bloody battle through the downtown section of the city, Superman defeated the ruthless General Zod and vanquished him to an eternity as the perpetual guest on Fox News host Tucker Carlson’s evening show.

“At first, I was like, woah, who is this liberal in the plunging v-neck?” Carlson said, following a commercial for camouflage-colored colostomy bags. “But then he started making some very good points about leadership and I was one hundred percent on the Zod train. I am not sure if he is Pro-Life but, I tell you, he will restore Law and Order to America when he runs is 2022.”

Zod, however, does not seem to share the same respect for his new compatriot. 

“They claim that Kal-EL is this hero of the world but he has banished me to a fate worse than death. He is the villain, I tell you,” Zod said while getting make-up applied before going live. “I have to listen to this H’Raka of a man prattle on and on for hours talking about Rao knows what. And then he contradicts himself ten minutes later. I wish Kal-El just snapped my neck.”

Metropolis beat reporter Clark Kent defended Superman’s decision to send the general to the 24-hour news cycle.

“What I think Superman was trying to do, and this is just one man’s opinion mind you, I don’t know what he may have been actually thinking,” Kent said, adjusting his glasses, “is show Zod where a lifetime devoted to xenophobia and vitriol will get you. I hope he takes the time to reflect on his behavior while he spends the rest of eternity defending white supremacists and billionaires.”

At press time, Zod denounced Carlson live on-air and now claims to be a libertarian.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

“I Guess This is Growing Up,” Whispers 40-Year-Old After Buying Kashi Instead of Lucky Charms

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

POWAY, Calif. — Middle-aged man Jamie Lopez suddenly realized yesterday that he may be finally maturing after putting back a box of the sugary, marshmallow-filled cereal Lucky Charms in favor of the slightly less sugary cereal, Kashi.

“I find the best way to fuel up and tackle the day is with three heaping bowls of Lucky Charms, so I always buy a couple family-size boxes. But for some reason this week, I was drawn to the Kashi berry crisp,” said a middle-aged Lopez. “It was a really poignant moment. Maybe it’s time for me to hang up my skate shoes and start growing up. Don’t get me wrong, if Lucky Charms has like, a Marvel or Star Wars prize or whatever next week, I’m totally getting it. I mean, I’m only human. But it’s time I start taking my daily percentage of fiber seriously.”

16-year-old grocery store clerk Kali Reynolds recalled ringing up Lopez’s items.

“This old creep in a Hurley shirt came through my line asking me how much for his ‘grown-up cereal,’ and if I listened to Blink-182. When I told him my dad loves them but I’m not really into classic rock, he shut up,” said Reynolds. “As he walked out of the store he moved real slow, before wistfully pumping his fist in the air like he was in that ‘Breakfast Club’ movie my stepmom loves.”

Lopez’s mother Alison Buckner called her son’s version of growing up “primarily cereal-related.”

“Apparently, ‘growing up’ for Jamie only means eating slightly healthier cereal alarmingly late in life, and in no way involves reaching for emotional maturity or getting all his goddamn Funko Pop dolls out of my goddamn garage,” said Buckner. “And if I hear him mutter the riff to that stupid Blink-182 song again, I’ll kick his ass out to the street.”

Sources report Lopez was overheard singing, “Der, nah, ner, nah, ner, der, nah, ner, nah, ner, der, nah, ner, nah, ner, der, nah, ner, nah, ner,” under his breath for the next three days.

Mötley Crüe Still Thinks About Woman Who Flashed Them From Audience in 1989

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Every member of seminal hair metal band Mötley Crüe have, several times a year, thought back to an anonymous woman who exposed her breasts to them on the “Dr. Feelgood” World Tour in 1989, the band admitted in an interview recently.

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” bassist Nikki Sixx reminisced. “November 25 — the MetroCentre in Rockford, Illinois. We were halfway through ‘Live Wire’ when I looked out into the crowd, and this woman on a dude’s shoulders lifted up her ‘Crüe Slut’ T-shirt. I mean, we’ve sold millions of records, toured the world, won Grammys… but for her to expose her womanhood to me as a symbol of her fanaticism, I’ve never seen anything like it. I barely made it through the rest of the song, and I don’t think I slept that night. It was just so wild.”

The woman, however, doesn’t seem to have given it a second thought.

“I mean, yeah, I’m pretty sure I flashed them. To be honest, I flashed a lot of bands in 1989,” the woman, who would like to remain anonymous because she is now a married mother of four, said. “Ratt, Poison, Skid Row on multiple occasions, Warrant… honestly, I’d flash you in the parking lot of the arena for a beer. These puppies got me into more concerts for free than I care to admit. But it’s adorable that the boys remember me.”

Drummer Tommy Lee’s ex-wife, actress Heather Locklear, also remembers the incident, but not nearly as fondly as her ex-husband.

“You can say that day was the beginning of the end of our marriage,” Locklear said. “Every crazy thing he did after that was chasing the rush of seeing that woman take off her top — the drinking, the drugs, the sex tape… all of it was just to feel that high again. For a while after he wouldn’t eat, he’d talk in his sleep about it, and even when we see one another to this day, I can tell he isn’t all there. A part of him is still on that stage, staring at those homewrecker titties.”

The anonymous woman admitted the band still reaches out when touring near Rockford, but she politely declines their invite.

Miracle of Birth Results in Accountant Named Gary

Posted on by James Webster

RACINE, Wis. — Local accountant and not-much-else Gary Wilkerson is alive despite astronomical odds to the contrary, according to sources who’ve already forgotten his name.

“Some models estimate a one in 400 trillion chance of being born,” said Jeanette Gregory, a genetic scientist at the University of Wisconsin. “And despite beating those odds and being here on planet Earth for a fleeting moment of light between two infinities, this unremarkable human ended up named Gary, and became an accountant at a car dealership in fucking Racine, Wisconsin. Great job, Gary. It’s literally more probable that you wouldn’t be that, but here you are.”

Wilkerson, who lives with his family in a reasonably sized house that’s a reasonable distance from work, had no complaints about his life for some reason.

“What could I possibly complain about?” said Wilkerson, “I’ve got a wife and two beautiful daughters. I even paid off the house last year. I own my car, I get a holiday bonus, my student debt is clear… there’s a lot of people who can’t say the same, and I’d bet that all of those people were born, too. It’s totally fine to fly way under the radar, folks. You only live once.”

Wilkerson’s mother Norma, who birthed a child who could’ve grown up to become anything, literally anything at all, is reportedly proud of her son’s decisions, which is just fucking mind blowing, really.

“I love my Gar-Bear,” said Norma. “He was always shy as a kid, so it’s nice to see him as the shining star that he is today… even if he is just barely taking advantage of the sentience bestowed upon him amid the random chaos that is our universe. I’ll admit that sometimes it’s fun to think about him having a fast-paced, exciting career like a sales rep, but I’m ultimately glad he went for something sensible. I’d worry about him getting hurt on the job!”

At press time, Wilkerson was attempting to keep things in perspective. “I suppose it could be worse,” he remarked. “I could’ve been some no-good punk, or a struggling comedian… or worst of all, a combination of the two.”

Opinion: Don’t Judge Me by My Tattoos, Judge Me by My Felony Convictions

Posted on by Tiana Miller

Being a true American badass means more than just having tattoos. When I was a kid, I knew I was a bad-boy. But did I go out and get “King of Forged Checks” inked across my stomach? Absolutely not. Did I go out and steal a few hundred identities? Oh, hell yes. I put my money where my mouth was. Or, more accurately, I put your money where my coke dealer was.

So don’t judge me by my tattoos. Save the judgment for when you, or an actual county judge, are personally affected by one of the many felonies I have committed.

I’m not trying to brag or anything but I’m about that felon life. I’m tired of celebrities like Pete Davidson or Machine Gun Kelly using tattoos to conjure up this half-assed American bad-boy image, making people think all you need to do to be a piece of shit is to get some tattoos and a access to your little brother’s ADHD medication.

Sure, the public has judged these people plenty, but I’m not impressed until you’re judged by a jury of your peers and every case on the day’s docket is yours.

Yes, my Jesus fish tattoo, this seashell, and my full back piece of the bassist and drummer from Nickelback have been judged. But I’ll have you know this Jesus fish represents the church I drowned, the seashell actually grants access to the temple on Epstein’s island, and, well, I’m not even gonna defend the Nickelback one. They’ve got the tightest rhythm section in butt-rock.

Don’t assume things about people with tattoos. Save your judgment for where it really matters: the deliberation room.

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