Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Tucker Carlson Defends Stage IV Colon Cancer

Posted on August 30, 2020 by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Right-wing pundit Tucker Carlson drew immense criticism yet again this week over comments he made defending Stage IV colon cancer after it took the life of beloved actor Chadwick Boseman.

“Can we really be surprised that these colon cells took mitosis into their own hands? Those cells pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, despite being terrorized by aggressive treatments. We should respect that,” said an irate and unhinged Carlson on his Fox News broadcast last night. “This so-called malignant growth did what it did because of Hollywood’s failure to make movies accessible to myself and persons exactly like me. I hope everyone out there in La-La land who has spoken ill about President Trump sees this as a wake-up call.”

Coming fresh off the heels of remarks in which Carlson defended a 17-year-old gunman who murdered two protesters in Kenosha, Wis., calls for the conservative pundit to be removed from the air have reached a new height.

“Tucker Carlson is an exploitative, sub-human slimeball and would be a worthy recipient of violent mob justice,” said kindergarten teacher Violet Marsh after donating eight hours of her time at a kitten rehabilitation center. “Fuck him. If he ever set foot in my town, I swear on my mother’s life I would gut him like a fish and piss on his entrails. I’ll keep a sharp knife ready for him, but we all know he’s too much of a pussy to leave his posh estate.”

Many actors who worked alongside Boseman over the years joined the call to remove Carlson from television and existence altogether.

“I know Tucker makes his living by appealing to the lowest common denominator; his fans are even dumber than he is. If this Iron Man suit actually worked, he’d be a dead man,” said fellow actor Robert Downey, Jr. “But it doesn’t. I’ve tried many times. One day, as soon as I get my own palladium arc reactor, we will be in business.”

For his part, Carlson has expressed no remorse for his comments, defending them across all social media platforms.

“What I said was not hate speech and had nothing to do with race,” Carlson tweeted. “I just don’t see why Black Panther couldn’t have been a white Christian police officer.”

Dungeon Master Sneaks a Few Real Dice in With Those Sex Ones

Posted on August 29, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

PITTSBURGH — A recent attempt at invigorating the intimacy of Dana Boyer’s relationship with an avid role-playing fanatic ended horribly after her husband Stephen Barker reportedly snuck a few of “those weird Dungeons & Dragons” dice into his turn while they were using a pair of novelty foreplay dice.

“Things started off fine,” said Boyer. “I went first and had to kiss his thigh. It was awkward and we laughed, but I could tell it got him kind of hot. Too bad it all went to shit right after that though, because on his turn he reached into this weird goblin bag and pulled out a big handful of dice and was referencing rules I’ve never heard of before.”

In addition to the two Loverz Dize brand novelty dice Boyer had handed him, Barker introduced a D20, several D8s, and a D4, as well as rolled out a battle grid map on the bed, along with several markers and tokens.

“He was supposed to nibble on my buttcheek, but told me to roll for initiative and I guess his was higher?” Boyer explained. “Then a dice [Sic] landed on a one, which he said meant he had ‘failed,’ and then he just threw himself off of the bed and landed right on his face. It was bad. Blood and teeth and just a huge mess. Once we got him all cleaned up I said we didn’t have to worry about the dice anymore, but he insisted that we finish the game and cracked open another 2 liter of soda. I probably should have seen this coming.”

Despite his injuries and his general misunderstanding of the intimacy exercise, the couple reportedly struggled with the expanded dice set well into the evening.

“Ooh, a critical! Buckle up, babe,” a neighbor claims to have overheard late last night. “I’m gonna suck your fucking ear off!”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Review: Microsoft Flight Simulator Is So Realistic My Son Is Still Dead In It

Posted on August 29, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Microsoft Flight Simulator is a masterpiece in realism, from the perfectly tuned flying instruments to the fact that my son Trevor, who tragically passed away in 2017 from competing in the viral #EatGlueChallenge, is still dead in-game. Everything in this masterpiece simulation is exactly the way it is in real life.

When I was in the Air Force, I visited so many places that I thought I would never again see in my life, but being able to fly to those places virtually again felt so real. They really did look exactly like the places I visited myself so long ago… it was an emotional experience, to say the least.

Unfortunately, it was also an emotional experience to visit the incredibly realistic grave-site of my late son Trevor. It looked precisely the same as I left it, down to the flowers I left beside the gravestone just a few weeks ago. Why did you have to try to eat all that glue, Trevor? You cared so much about the sanctity of social media challenges. At least a monument to your life is forever preserved in Microsoft Flight Simulator; it was an honor to crash a Boeing 737 into it.

Flight is an affront to God’s laws. Every time we enter the cockpit of a plane, lifting off the Earth, we are laughing in the face of physics. It’s a beautiful thing to witness both in real life and also in Microsoft Flight Simulator. I just wish that Microsoft could have laughed off God’s rules once more, bringing my beloved son Trevor back as an in-game avatar. He’d wave at me from the roof of our home, a glue bottle in hand, as if to say “I’m not going to slurp down even an ounce of this.”

Instead, every single meticulously handcrafted airport in the game is a testament to the dark reminder to the fact that Trevor never said that.

I give Microsoft Flight Simulator for Xbox and PC 10 out of 10 devastating stars.

★★★★★★★★★★

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Girlfriend Promoted From Instagram Story to Instagram Post

Posted on August 29, 2020 by Dom Turek

WATERLOO, Iowa — A local couple’s relationship elevated to the next level yesterday after boyfriend Logan Carpenter featured a photo of his girlfriend Naima Alford in an Instagram post rather than his story, shocked sources confirm.

“I was totally caught off guard,” said Alford, admiring the recently posted photo of her and her beau holding hands in front of a P.F. Chang’s. “I’d almost come to accept we would just be one of those couples that never posted photos of each other, but look at us now — it’s been over 24 hours, and I’m still on his Instagram for all of his 152 followers to see. Sure, there’s no tag, and the caption just read, ‘I’m going to have to shit real bad in 25 minutes,’ but still, pretty sweet.”

Although Alford has posted many photos of her boyfriend on social media, even dedicating every #mancrushmonday to him for the past 46 weeks straight, her acts of commitment have not been reciprocated.

“I feel bad saying this, but she doesn’t really match my aesthetic,” said Carpenter of his feed largely consisting of remodeled cars, dead fish, and his dog, Butch. “She says if I have a special place for her in my heart, I should have a special place for her on my Instagram, so I just gave in. I only hope our relationship can withstand this kind of high-profile stuff.”

Social media experts weighed in on Carpenter’s feature of the woman he’s seen exclusively for nearly an entire year.

“Younger couples tend to shy away from all things permanent — hence frequent use of the feature that automatically deletes a photo after 24 hours — unlike posts, which stay up permanently, or until it’s deleted by the user for not receiving enough likes,” said Millennial relationship expert Tessa Rhodes. “Next to taking ketamine or raising a succulent together, posting an Instagram photo of your partner on your actual feed is one of the biggest decisions facing young couples today.”

At press time, Carpenter had deleted the Instagram photo of Alford after they got into a minor argument over what to eat for dinner, claiming he felt “trapped.”

Bruce Wayne Gives Up Being Batman After Three Therapy Sessions

Posted on August 29, 2020 by Matt Wassung

GOTHAM CITY — Billionaire Bruce Wayne, who recently revealed himself to be the masked vigilante known as Batman, has stepped away from his crusade for justice after attending just three therapy sessions.

“Believe it or not, wearing pointy bat ears, hopping across rooftops, and punching drug addicts is not the best way to deal with trauma. And it only took me a couple hours of talking out my feelings and a sertraline prescription to figure that out,” Wayne said while gathering four dozen canisters of “Bat” shark repellent and placing them into storage bins with the help of his butler Alfred Pennyworth. “I know I vowed to avenge my parents by dedicating my life to warring on all criminals, but I learned I need to start living for me — they may be dead, but I’m not yet. I mean, there is a universe where I died, my father became Batman, and my mother became the Joker, but that wasn’t this universe.”

Some members of the Gotham City police force are glad to see the Dark Knight gone.

“I ain’t gonna miss that stinkin’ bat freak,” said a wheezing Detective Harvey Bullock struggling to get out of his police cruiser. “I never understood the guy’s deal: why go to all the trouble of putting on a mask, just so you can get away with beating the piss out of petty criminals? He coulda joined the police force if that’s what he wants to do — us cops are constantly assaulting people, and we’re never held accountable. I guess he didn’t want to pay union dues or something.”

Conversely, some criminals from Batman’s rogues gallery were supportive of Wayne’s decision.

“Look, we don’t agree on many things,” said Dr. Jonathan Crane, known in Gotham as the supervillain The Scarecrow. “However, I am a clinical psychiatrist first and a deranged lunatic second, and I’m just glad he is getting the help he needs. Maybe my many fear gas attacks over the years is the thing that forced Mr. Wayne to confront his demons and get help. I can’t say for sure, but hey, a guy can dream.”

Wayne was later seen unpacking a new Lionel train set he intends to build in the recently decluttered Batcave.

Dad in Hurley Hat’s “Birds and Bees” Talk Mostly Covers How Many in Pink, Stink

Posted on August 29, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

IRVINE, Calif. — Local dad and man who frequently wears his sunglasses on the back of his head Jared Stein spent the majority of a “Birds and Bees” talk yesterday informing his son how many fingers go in the pink and the stink, respectively.

“There’s a lot of bullshit out there when it comes to pounding poon, so I wanted to make sure my son Jaxon knew the common sex myths, like the g-spot, the clitoris, and foreplay,” said Stein. “My big closer was showing him the shocker, because honestly, it’s all you need to be a major league fuck machine. But I couldn’t remember how many went in the pink versus the stink. I tried a bunch of hand gestures hoping it would come back to me, and eventually, we settled on two in the bung for every three in the cooch.”

“In hindsight, maybe ripping fat tubes before having the sex chat with my young, impressionable son was a bad idea,” Stein added.

Stein’s ex-girlfriend and Jaxon’s mother Crystal Snider immediately recognized “Jared’s handprints” all over the god-awful sex advice.

“I overheard my son telling his friend that condoms actually cause more pregnancies than they prevent, and I knew immediately [Stein] had something to do with it,” said Snider. “Based on all the bullshit Jaxon was spouting, so much about my and Jared’s former sex life makes so much more sense now — he was always fumbling, prodding, or jackhammering. I swear, I’ve had pap smears that were more sensual.”

Unfortunately, Jaxon shared his newly acquired “knowledge” with his class, where it spread like wildfire and was noticed immediately by faculty.

“I saw students using lewd hand gestures, and I was able to trace it back to Jaxon and his father pretty quickly. The fact that a grown man believed all this and was still able to reproduce is genuinely shocking,” said sexual education teacher Moira Sutherland. “There’s so much misinformation now that it would take years to re-educate these kids. The only reasonable thing to do is switch to an abstience-only sex ed program and try our best to prevent these students from ever having intercourse.”

For extra study, Stein further instructed his son to listen to Buckcherry albums on repeat until he “gets sex.” “It’s the same way I learned,” Stein said.

We Ranked Every Punk Song Ever but Our Spreadsheet Won’t Open

Posted on August 29, 2020 by Jon Wood

Six years ago, we took up the ambitious project of ranking every punk song ever recorded: a colossal catalog spanning five decades and over a million tracks deep. The countless hours and sleepless nights surely took their toll, but they were worth it as we were able to compile the most complete, definitive analysis of any genre in music history. An inspiring canon, certain to shape punk discourse for years to come. Just as soon as we can get this Google spreadsheet to open.

Sorry, hold on. It’ll open up any minute. Shit, maybe we need to update? Yeah, that’s it. While we download the update, imagine for a minute the faceted complexity of a rubric that aspires to standardize the merits of an entire genre and that has sustained a culture and evolved over generations. Ok, now hang on to that thought, our browser timed out and it’ll take our computer a few more minutes to restart.

There were the naysayers who assured us this was a fool’s errand. They said it would be impossible to find every punk record in existence, let alone the time to listen to each song and rank them based on an elusive unified theory. Little did we know there were also limitations to the number of rows you can load in a Google sheet without having to enable offline mode, which apparently doesn’t like when you have separate logins for your work and personal stuff.

Until now, Pitchfork has been the gold standard for unpacking the sonic and socio-political nuances of alternative music. Unfortunately, their brand of pretentious, tastemaker snark too often ignores the diversity that exists within punk, which we expect to remedy if we can ever open this goddamn piece of shit spreadsheet. Seriously, how is it that Google can show me everything that’s ever existed on the Internet except for this stupid fucking list?!

Okay, here it is! Phew. Let’s jump right in! The first song on the list is… “Break Stuff?” Ohh right, haha. We got high and ranked all the Nu-Metal songs instead. Nevermind, we’ll just delete this spreadsheet, it’s useless.

Mike Patton Admits He Doesn’t Really Get the Appeal of Faith No More

Posted on August 29, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

SAN FRANCISCO — Music aficionado and frontman for alternative metal band Faith No More, Mike Patton, admitted today that he just doesn’t understand why so many people like his band.

“I’ve tried to listen to ‘Angel Dust’ which, according to AllMusic, is our most popular album. I tried, I really did,” Patton said. “And apart from ‘Midlife Crisis,’ it was all this weird, bass-heavy rap-rock I just couldn’t get into — it sounded like Red Hot Chili Peppers B-sides. I don’t get what our fans see in us. My friends who made me mix-tapes insisted I was listening to the wrong tracks, but it just doesn’t work for me.”

Faith No More founding member Billy Gould was taken aback by the news.

“That dude’s been in the band for 30 years. Why the fuck didn’t he say something sooner?” said Gould. “I mean, I get it — Mike has other musical endeavors, and we’re not for everyone, but come on. If he thinks Mr. Bungle is better, I’m going to fucking lose my mind. Maybe if he put a little more effort in the songwriting when we were in the studio he might actually get what we were going for.”

“Screw it, I’m kicking him out,” Gould added. “Courtney Love is back in. Everyone loves her.”

Self-described Faith No More superfan Paul Gutfeld also stood up for the band.

“Faith No More is the greatest band in the universe,” Gutfeld said on his show “Pod for Breakfast.” “I bet he just listened to ‘Epic’ and called it a day. You have to listen to their albums from start to finish to really understand what they’re trying to do. [Patton] clearly doesn’t have good taste in music. I mean, have you heard that one Dillinger Escape Plan EP? Probably not, and I don’t think anyone has since it was released. That shit is weird as fuck.”

When asked about his other allegedly successful act Peeping Tom, Patton said, “Don’t even get me started.”

Local Police Forced to Stop Supernatural Evil Plaguing Town After Neighborhood Kids Fail

Posted on August 28, 2020 by Aaron Weerasinghe

PAXTON, Mass. — The failure of a precocious gang of tween misfits to vanquish a cosmic evil known as Hy’groth and their resulting slaughter has forced the Paxton Police Department to take matters into their own hands and mobilize against the supernatural threat plaguing their town, a group panicked onlookers confirmed.

“Fuckin’ useless kids. They were making such a big goddamn deal about eldritch abominations, dimensional rifts, and all kinds of nerd shit, only to get themselves killed before doing anything about it,” said police chief Calvin Griffiths. “Shit, speaking of, we still have to call in crime scene cleanup to pick up what’s left of them. Those guys really creep me out.”

Sources confirmed that the Paxton PD was aware of the impending danger but decided not to act.

“Yeah, we knew something was going on, but Jesus Christ, did you see what that interdimensional thing did to those poor kids? There’s no way we wanted to get involved if we didn’t have to,” said Detective Joan Stefford. “Those kids seemed dead-set on investigating things themselves. We just figured they’d probably take care of it before we needed to get involved.”

“How the heck are a buncha kids gonna fight a Cthulhu?!” she added.

While citizens were quick to criticize the police force for allowing local children to put themselves in mortal danger, Paxton PD maintains they made the best decision based on the information at hand.

“The Hopkins boy from Pine Street was leading the crew, and I mean, the kid was like some sort of child prodigy. How were we supposed to know he’d fuck it all up?” explained Detective Stefford. “Seriously, everyone at the station really thought he and the new girl would make it. It’s a damn shame. Maybe my son would have stopped bullying them if they’d succeeded.”

At press time, Detective Stefford was reportedly “exploring other options” after unloading her service weapon into the shambling abomination failed to stop it from eviscerating a lonely, sheltered teenager with budding telekinetic powers.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Massive Data Breach Reveals Unused Character Model for Niles Crane in ‘Cheers’ Source Code

Posted on August 28, 2020 by Jake Menez

BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Fans of the classic NBC sitcom Cheers rejoiced today as a massive data breach revealed that long-gestating rumors regarding a secret character hidden within the series turned out to be true.

“I remember reading on message boards back in ‘96 that Niles was originally meant to be in Cheers, but got cut from the final release at the last minute,” said well-known sitcom speedrunner FoolHouse. “There were all these little hints people kept pointing to that showed he was meant to be a part of it. In some scenes set in Sam Malone’s office, you can supposedly make out a note on his desk that reads ‘N is Real 2401.’ I dunno. I guess I just never thought it was true until now.”

The files in question were part of a massive data breach at NBC Studios that revealed decades worth of top-secret development information, including a scrapped Seinfeld MMORPG and a beta version of Quantum Leap with drastically different art direction. The authenticity of the uploaded documents was doubted by many until James Burrows, co-creator of Cheers, tweeted what appeared to be a confirmation of the authenticity.

“I haven’t seen this stuff in decades!” he said in a post alongside a picture of Nile Crane’s character model and some rough audio of Frasier offering his brother a glass of sherry. “When we introduced Frasier in the third season, we were going to give him a brother at first. He was going to just be a palette swap of Frasier that was a bit thinner and could jump higher. Sadly, when it came time to produce the show in front of a live studio audience, we just couldn’t get to everything we wanted, and we scrapped the Niles stuff and hoped we would just get to it another day.”

Dr. Niles Crane eventually did come to television in 1993 as a principal character in his brother’s titular spinoff, where he became a favorite among audiences. At press time, debates were raging across the internet over whether or not the Norm Peterson character model was simply a reskinned Jackie Gleason from The Honeymooners.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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