DETROIT — Local man Stuart Bask magically began his transformation into an unfunny conservative after he accidentally killed comedian Tim Allen and discovered that he would now have to take his place and be just as annoying as his predecessor, confirmed worried sources.
“I was a little drunk driving downtown and this dude just walked in front of my car out of nowhere. At first, I thought about driving off, but I figured I should check to see if the guy was alive and sure enough it was that dude Tim Allen from ‘Home Improvement,’” said Bask about the inciting incident that led to his incredible transformation. “I checked his pockets for a wallet or some cocaine, because, ya know, it’s Tim Allen. What I found was even more incredible and even worse for my health. There was a note saying ‘If something should happen to me, log in to Twitter from my phone. My followers will know what to do.’ And ever since that day, I can’t stop Tweeting quotes from ‘The Art of War’ and lazy jokes about Hunter Biden’s laptop.”
Friends of Bask said that the changes in his appearance and personality were sudden and drastic with many of them choosing to distance themselves from him as a result.
“It was funny at first, but then it just kept going. There was one day when he just magically had a MAGA hat appear on his head, but if he tried to take it off, another one would materialize immediately. He had no control over it,” said longtime friend David Johnson. “I saw him yesterday, and he was wearing a toolbelt and just grunting for hours and talking to a fence. If I’m being honest, the fence seemed to give him some wise sage wisdom, but nonetheless, it was weird.”
Edward Milton the leading expert in Early Onset: The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause Syndrom says that this is a very uncommon condition that people shouldn’t be concerned about.
“It really only affects one person, or I suppose two now, Tim Allen, for reasons unknown to man, has been imbued with this power. The fact he was in those ‘Santa Clause’ movies where the same exact thing happens appears to be nothing more than a coincidence,” said Milton. “This won’t happen with any other celebrities; it’s not like if you kill Joe Rogan, you’ll wake up the next day feeling like you need to eat elk testicles and take a bunch of supplements that claim to put your brain in hyperdrive. This is the world’s only Tim Allen-specific affliction.”
At press time, sources reported that Bask was last seen screaming outside of Richard Karn’s house, demanding he be let in while grunting loud enough to warrant a noise complaint.
Okay, you got us, it’s not the real L. Ron Hubbard, the REAL LRH shed his body years ago to combat an ancient thetan, but it is one of his helpers! Go to any American mall with a Santa Clause. Then go to the basement of said mall and you’ll find an LRH willing to interrogate your child and take a photo! Every L. Ron Helper has been meticulously modeled to resemble LRH right down to the contemptuous grin and the unmistakable smell of ketchup soup wafting on their breath!
Scientologist families have enjoyed this festive tradition since 2007, in which the children are encouraged to search all through the house for any tangible evidence that Shelly Miscavige is alive and well! They won’t succeed of course, but the hunt builds character, and in a way, it keeps Shelly alive!
Look kids, it’s our boy Tom Cruise! And he’s got a cool racecar! Look at the way he handles that thing! Those are the trademark reflexes of an Operating Thetan performing at peak efficiency if we’ve ever seen one!
Who needs Santa Claus when you’ve got the star of “Saturday Night Fever” and “Grease,” John Travolta?! Every year the Scientology celebrity center is flooded with letters from children telling John what gifts they want this year, and reminding him that they know a thing or two about certain sexual predilections he may or may not have that he definitely wants kept under wraps! How does John Travolta deliver gifts to all good Scientologist children in a single night? He has his own plane and a very shadowy past, that’s how!
So many ways to celebrate this tradition. You could make threatening phone calls to a psychiatrist. You could break into their home and just move stuff around so they know someone’s been there. You could make bogus complaints to the police about noise and spousal abuse. However you decide to celebrate, rest assured the psychiatrist deserves it. Their profession makes them an SP and a liar. We all know that mental illness only occurs when someone attempts to read “Excalibur” without the proper training!
May they complete you as you complete them! Whether it’s scrubbing the decks of the Sea Org, handing out pamphlets to susceptibles downtown or just volunteering to be the person David Miscavige eats sushi off of for a day, you can’t be an Operating Thetan without operating!
Sadly most acolytes of The Church Of Scientology are happy to just sign the one billion-year contract and call it a day, but real Scientologists understand that ridding yourself of alien volcano ghosts means total commitment! It’s the season of giving, so why not go ahead and pledge another billion years of servitude to the church?
As altruistic purveyors of truth, Scientologists have a lot of high-profile enemies, and attacking them all would be a full-time job! Instead, why not pick a personal top 5 and focus on them? No one expects you to goad Beck into hitting you at the airport, urinate on William S. Burroughs’s grave, and leave threatening voicemails on Katie Holmes’s phone all in one year! Just harass Beck and mess with a few lower lever/more accessible Suppressive Persons in your area.
Whether your child is playing the head Psychlo or just a desolate mountain, you’ll cherish watching them re-enact the most thrilling L. Ron Hubbard story ever to be called “Not merely bad, unpleasant in a hostile way” by known SP Roger Ebert!
Sure, the church has tax-exempt status for now, but a little insurance in the form of sensitive information goes a long way to keeping it for decades to come. Do you have hard evidence that an IRS employee has been unfaithful to their spouse or has a drinking problem? Send it Miscavige’s way!
Have you? You do need to tell us. It’s for your own good.
There’s our boy T.C. again! Boy, he looks good! Shredded! Even with his deformity makeup on the man is a specimen! Say it all together kids: “When you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not!” In other words, happy holidays!
It’s the season of giving, so why not give a naive person who thinks they’re happy the gift of hooking them up to a pseudo lie detector and informing them that their body is full of suppressive ghosts? Just make sure they’re “poor” in the sense that they are unfamiliar with the world of L. Ron Hubbard, not poor financially. We’re trying to run a church, not some charity!
You better be good all year kids or the voice of Bart Simpson will throw you in a burlap sack and volunteer you for Sea Org duty!
It’s the newest Scientology holiday tradition, sort of like our elf on a shelf!
Clearly more Coke than Jack. I downed this in about three gulps while Dale from AP (I think? Maybe AR) was talking to me about how “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie and then somehow transitioned into how he thinks his wife might be cheating on him with his brother. I needed to be way more buzzed to deal with this.
Aero press, burr grinder, clover brewer, you’ve created quite the distraction for yourself and your so-called morning routine, falling headfirst into one of the last remaining socially acceptable substance addiction. However, you are learning to fuel your dreams, so it could still happen for you.
Growing your own vegetables like a real American homesteader. This is a great hobby because you’ll know how to live off the land when you’re dead broke because you sold all your possessions so you could afford to move to LA and become a screenwriter.
You could’ve gotten a pet. That would’ve been a lot better for your mental health than the monstera that withers when you look at it wrong. But there is no problem with having a living room jungle and still pursuing your dreams.
Ok we can’t legally endorse this as a hobby, and it’s definitely more of a “side hustle” than a “hobby.” But we’d be lying if we couldn’t easily name 10 or 15 former drug dealers who made it big following their dreams. So maybe just be discreet?
This is a great way to hone your writing skills while chronicling your failures. The bright side is, if you ever make it, you’ll have years’ worth of recorded strife to look back on and laugh. Like that time you couldn’t afford toilet paper so you used the pages of a book your ex-girlfriend left behind and you ended up with a real bad anus infection.
You, some spandex, and the open road. It’s just like touring, except now you’re in way better shape. Cycling also doubles as an excellent method of transportation so you can really use this hobby to literally get closer to dreams.
There’s no way this can’t help you. Simply no way. It improves other cognitive faculties like concentration, memory skill, and can even help with an aging brain. And, if you’re not talented enough to make it in your home country, you could learn the language of another and try to make it there.
You’ve paid the subscription and now you’re watching an online lecture from an industry titan who sold out. This is surprisingly good. You’re learning about the industry you dream about being a part of. All you have to do now is dedicate all your waking hours to pursuing your goals, but today you’re working a double shift, so it will have to wait until tomorrow.
Making the fun distracting hobby of drinking and making it involve manual labor and patience. This one takes you away from your goal and further into the back shed, fermenting with your thoughts. But hey, at least you’ve got a shed. And yeast. And you’re drunk as shit.
When is learning to think on your feet a bad thing? And hey, this could come in handy later when you’ve got a real job and your boss asks you how you could possibly be late for a Zoom meeting when you work from home.
You’ve got a lawn to care for so things aren’t so bad in the financial department. But still, if you’re obsessing over cultivating the perfect monoculture in your cookie-cutter neighborhood of slightly less-than-perfect monocultures, then dreams probably weren’t your thing to begin with, so you’re probably doing alright.
Your free time needs to be spent in a constant state of near-freefall to keep you from wondering “what if?” Or you think having massive forearms is a transferable skill, faster tremolo picking, perhaps? You could still do it, as long as you don’t fall.
You’ve started a podcast talking shop about the industry you’ve always dreamt of breaking into. Talking about others in it, asking others how they got started in it, criticizing the industry itself. It’s kind of like your dream right? RIGHT?
This is a lot of time and effort for something you can buy at any grocery store. It’s entirely possible you’re using this tedious hobby to distract you from accomplishing your dreams.
This might not be the artistic medium of your choice, but you can make it seem to others like you fully accomplished your dream with the right equipment, lighting, and editing skills. Also, this can double as a full side income if you get good enough and you spread nasty rumors about every wedding photographer living within 100 miles of you.
