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Mom Still Fretting That Friend From Band Message Board in 2005 Could Be a Serial Killer

LOS ANGELES – Local mom Sally Perryman continues to worry that her daughter’s longtime close friend Josephine Lukas — originally met via an online message board for emo band Left of Kin — could still be a violent criminal, confirm sources who can no longer remember their 2000s website passwords.

“I don’t care that it’s been almost 20 years. You can’t trust people you ‘meet’ on the internet,” insisted the elder Perryman. “I’ll never forget when Annie showed me a photo with the two of them after the first time they met the band. This Josephine character had tattoos of musical notes that I’m sure are secretly gang-related, and a disgusting lip ring. Anyone who listens to all that very aggressive music and went by ‘DeadDreaming327’ on a message board is definitely still a potential serial killer who could also be giving my daughter hard drugs. Annie always rolled her eyes at that and told me Josephine was ‘straight edge.’ Is that something with knives? I don’t like it.”

Annie Perryman explained that contrary to her mother’s ongoing concerns, the “suspicious” Lukas is actually an extremely normal and responsible 37-year-old adult whose lip piercing has long closed up.

“Jo and I still go to shows sometimes but usually we catch up over brunch, she’s also a busy human rights lawyer who owns a house in the suburbs with her fiancé, their giant cat, and an elderly pug in diapers,” Ms. Perryman said. “Oh, and a little rescue guinea pig named after a Star Trek character. Last time I came over, we all watched ‘Jeopardy!’ and drank tea. Come on, does that sound like someone who’s still faking a shared love for Left of Kin all this time and getting ready to eventually stab me? At this point, she’d have to be playing a hell of a long game if murder is still in the cards.”

According to internet psychologist Dr. Gregory Wilmington, the 2000s represented a legendary era for band message boards, online friendships, and terrified parents.

“The fan forums on bands’ websites were as important to young mopey music fans as AIM, and MySpace,” Wilmington explained, wistfully recalling his own days on his iBook as “XRiotGreggeratorX.” “But tragically, the friends made through them often cannot ever overcome their reputation as dangerous. Even something like mailing out homemade iron-on band logo patches is forever misremembered as suspicious and possibly ‘nicotine-related.’”

At press time, Sally Perryman spotted a wedding invitation on Annie’s refrigerator and was horrified to discover her daughter had apparently revealed her last name and home address.