CHICAGO — Local goth couple Caleb and Adrienne Simmons recently decided to break the news to their children that Jack Skellington is not real, sources concerned for the child’s mental health confirm.
“It was a hard decision, but there comes a time in every parent’s life when you have to tell your children that society has ruthlessly lied to them this whole time. It’s what the holiday season is all about,” Mrs. Simmons said. “We’re glad Skellington could capture their imagination for so long, but it’s time. Feels just like yesterday that we’d leave milk and cookies out for Jack on Christmas Eve. I just hope they take it well. Best case scenario is that one of them locks themselves inside their room and listen to Joy Division non-stop. That’s what I always do when I’m depressed. Or even happy.”
Discovering that Jack Skellington is in fact just a made-up character seems to be a universal experience amongst children of goth parents.
“I still remember the day I first found out,” said Bella Patrick, whose parents met at a Bauhaus concert. “Sure, it was heartbreaking at first, but it taught me about the futility of joy, which is something my parents drilled into me for as long as I can remember. Besides, Hot Topic still carries a bunch of clothing with Jack Skellington’s face all over it around the holidays.”
However, not every kid handles things so well. Child therapist Nathan Thompson commented on children finding out about the truth, as well as those who don’t find out until much later.
“Some children may begin to distrust their parents, not realizing the lie was just an attempt to fuel their imagination,” Thompson said. “What’s even worse is the children who find out too late. It’s unfortunately not too uncommon for children in middle school to still think Jack Skellington is real and get bullied by their peers for it. Those poor souls have it even worse than the kids with ska parents. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”
At press time, the kids were heard asking their parents if Robert Smith was also made up.