PALO ALTO, Calif. — Stanford University’s Fear Response & Behavioral Sciences Department officially confirmed “Can we talk?” as the scariest text of all time, according to sweaty researchers not looking forward to going home.
“We compiled data from thousands of texts between people in committed relationships, casual fuck buddies, and your common situationship. ‘Can we talk?’ induced exponentially more fear than the next three scariest texts ‘You up?,’ ‘I see you,’ and ‘We still on for tonight?’ combined. Clinical studies have shown that the body’s physical response to ‘The Talk’ text message was just as powerful as someone skydiving, getting shot, or fighting a bear,” said Psychologist and lead researcher Lauren Felton. “You immediately enter flight or flight mode—adrenaline pumps through your veins and your heart rate increases. Put simply: the physical effects of this emotional reaction aren’t much different than the high of snorting coke off a dick.”
Ann Singer found solace in the report knowing she isn’t the only person who has such a visceral reaction to the common text.
“Last week my boyfriend texted me, ‘Can we talk?’ and it sent me to the ER,” said Singer. “I had a panic attack—I truly thought I was going to die. I was spiraling. The doctors had to put me in a medically induced coma for three weeks for my brain to heal from the trauma. That’s the kind of text you get right before someone dumps you, right? And I’m told he never visited me in the hospital, and he won’t respond to any of my flirty ‘Sorry, I was in a coma again’ texts. It’s probably nothing, though… right?”
Ever since receiving his first “Can we talk?” text, neuroscientist Brandon Kensington made it his life mission to understand how this message alters brain function.
“This text triggers the kind of anxiety and depression that may lead to manic episodes,” said Kensington. “The brain’s primal response incites feelings of inadequacy, anger, and jealousy. Most people receive this text and start wondering if you did something wrong, that their partner may be terminally ill, or maybe, worst of all, your partner is working up the courage to tell you they want to start trying stand-up comedy. And for others this coping mechanism may result in, for example, flashbacks of your well-endowed lab director boss pleasuring your wife outside of a Hometown Buffet in his Subaru hatchback. Not that I would know anything about that.”
In an effort to protect its users from emotional trauma, Apple has announced an iOS update that features an automatic Calm App subscription upon receiving a “Can we talk?” text.