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Biden’s Weed Pardons Effectively Undo Vice President Harris’ Life’s Work

WASHINGTON — President Biden issued thousands of pardons related to marijuana possession in a move that experts say will negate decades of Vice President Harris’ career, chilled-out sources have confirmed.

“Make no mistake, folks. This is the only moral choice,” said Biden during a press conference announcing the pardons. “The individuals who were imprisoned in these cases were persecuted by unjust laws and corrupt prosecutors. It’s obviously unethical. Anyone who pushed for these people to be jailed is fundamentally flawed as an individual and clearly on some sort of power trip. In addition, anyone willingly associated with these individuals would be, clearly, just as culpable.”

While Kamala Harris released a brief statement in support of Biden’s decision, a source close to the vice president noted that she was quite upset about the change in policy.

“She keeps saying that this is ruining her legacy,” said a Harris aide who wished to remain anonymous. “She literally refers to her conviction rate as her ‘masterpiece’ and claims that Biden is destroying it. When she thinks that no one is listening, she rambles on about how there’s no other option except continuing her work, which would mean prosecuting everyone in the country until she is the only possible option for president because every other American citizen is imprisoned. She’s already tried to have me arrested for not replacing the paper towels in the office restroom, even though I wasn’t the one to use the last sheet.”

Those affected by Biden’s pardon were conflicted on how it would determine their upcoming political decisions.

“It’s a bit tricky, you know,” said Jasper Graves, a San Quentin inmate and registered voter set to be released due to the pardon. “On the one hand, I’m being released from prison due to receiving clemency from the president. On the other hand, the only reason I’m here in the first place is because his running mate wanted to look tough on crime. Hell, half of the people locked up in the place are here because of Biden’s crime bill from the ‘90s. It’s definitely a predicament. I can only hope that the opposition has a sane nominee. I’ve been incarcerated for two decades, but I’m sure the Republicans must have sorted themselves out by now.”

At press time, Vice President Harris was reportedly relieved that the recipients of the pardons would still have criminal records, making their lives much more complicated and difficult despite their freedom.