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30 Scientology Holiday Traditions That Might Make You Consider Converting

Yes, the holiday season is upon us, but before you decorate that tree or light the menorah, won’t you consider making this the year you give yourself the ultimate gift? We’re referring of course to the truth that every physical and mental ailment plaguing you is the result of alien ghosts who were exploded in a volcano on earth millions of years ago by a space tyrant.


There’s a rumor out there that Scientology, a legitimate tax-exempt religious organization, lacks the fun, rich holiday traditions of a Christmas or Hanukkah. Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, whoever told you that is probably a suppressive person jealous of our tech, and you should cut them out of your life completely! Here are just 30 time-honored Scientology holiday traditions that will have you saying “Christ is a lie orchestrated by modern psychology to impede me from achieving true actualization in this lifetime!”

A Photo With LRH!

Okay, you got us, it’s not the real L. Ron Hubbard, the REAL LRH shed his body years ago to combat an ancient thetan, but it is one of his helpers! Go to any American mall with a Santa Clause. Then go to the basement of said mall and you’ll find an LRH willing to interrogate your child and take a photo! Every L. Ron Helper has been meticulously modeled to resemble LRH right down to the contemptuous grin and the unmistakable smell of ketchup soup wafting on their breath!

The Kids Hunt For Shelly Miscavige

Scientologist families have enjoyed this festive tradition since 2007, in which the children are encouraged to search all through the house for any tangible evidence that Shelly Miscavige is alive and well! They won’t succeed of course, but the hunt builds character, and in a way, it keeps Shelly alive!

Watch “Days of Thunder”

Look kids, it’s our boy Tom Cruise! And he’s got a cool racecar! Look at the way he handles that thing! Those are the trademark reflexes of an Operating Thetan performing at peak efficiency if we’ve ever seen one!

Write A Holiday Wishlist To John Travolta, And Some Threats!

Who needs Santa Claus when you’ve got the star of “Saturday Night Fever” and “Grease,” John Travolta?! Every year the Scientology celebrity center is flooded with letters from children telling John what gifts they want this year, and reminding him that they know a thing or two about certain sexual predilections he may or may not have that he definitely wants kept under wraps! How does John Travolta deliver gifts to all good Scientologist children in a single night? He has his own plane and a very shadowy past, that’s how!

The Harassment Of A Psychiatrist

So many ways to celebrate this tradition. You could make threatening phone calls to a psychiatrist. You could break into their home and just move stuff around so they know someone’s been there. You could make bogus complaints to the police about noise and spousal abuse. However you decide to celebrate, rest assured the psychiatrist deserves it. Their profession makes them an SP and a liar. We all know that mental illness only occurs when someone attempts to read “Excalibur” without the proper training!


May they complete you as you complete them! Whether it’s scrubbing the decks of the Sea Org, handing out pamphlets to susceptibles downtown or just volunteering to be the person David Miscavige eats sushi off of for a day, you can’t be an Operating Thetan without operating!

Sign Another Billion-Year Contract

Sadly most acolytes of The Church Of Scientology are happy to just sign the one billion-year contract and call it a day, but real Scientologists understand that ridding yourself of alien volcano ghosts means total commitment! It’s the season of giving, so why not go ahead and pledge another billion years of servitude to the church?

Rank Your Enemies And Pledge To Destroy Them!

As altruistic purveyors of truth, Scientologists have a lot of high-profile enemies, and attacking them all would be a full-time job! Instead, why not pick a personal top 5 and focus on them? No one expects you to goad Beck into hitting you at the airport, urinate on William S. Burroughs’s grave, and leave threatening voicemails on Katie Holmes’s phone all in one year! Just harass Beck and mess with a few lower lever/more accessible Suppressive Persons in your area.

Battlefield Earth Pagent!

Whether your child is playing the head Psychlo or just a desolate mountain, you’ll cherish watching them re-enact the most thrilling L. Ron Hubbard story ever to be called “Not merely bad, unpleasant in a hostile way” by known SP Roger Ebert!

IRS Agent Dirt Dig!

Sure, the church has tax-exempt status for now, but a little insurance in the form of sensitive information goes a long way to keeping it for decades to come. Do you have hard evidence that an IRS employee has been unfaithful to their spouse or has a drinking problem? Send it Miscavige’s way!

Tell Us If You Have Ever Had Unkind Thoughts About L. Ron Hubbard or David Miscavige

Have you? You do need to tell us. It’s for your own good.

Watch “Vanilla Sky”

There’s our boy T.C. again! Boy, he looks good! Shredded! Even with his deformity makeup on the man is a specimen! Say it all together kids: “When you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not!” In other words, happy holidays!

Offer Free E-meter Readings To The Poor, But Like “Poor” As In Misfortunately Ignorant, Not Actually Poor

It’s the season of giving, so why not give a naive person who thinks they’re happy the gift of hooking them up to a pseudo lie detector and informing them that their body is full of suppressive ghosts? Just make sure they’re “poor” in the sense that they are unfamiliar with the world of L. Ron Hubbard, not poor financially. We’re trying to run a church, not some charity!

Aye Carumba, It’s Nancy Cartwright!

You better be good all year kids or the voice of Bart Simpson will throw you in a burlap sack and volunteer you for Sea Org duty!

Try To Break Danny Masterson Out Of Jail

It’s the newest Scientology holiday tradition, sort of like our elf on a shelf!

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