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30 Scientology Holiday Traditions That Might Make You Consider Converting


Tell Your Spouse You Murdered The Children

This yuletide prank goes all the way back to Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, who, after a dispute with his then-wife, kidnapped their children and told her that he murdered them with an axe, which she believed for several excruciating hours! Try it on your spouse this year! You’ll either both have a good laugh about it or your spouse will prove to be a suppressive person, and you will cut them off from yourself and your children immediately.

Go Door To Door Singing Your Darkest, Most Shameful Sexual Fantasies

Why bore your neighbors with carols routed in religious lies when you can amuse them by professing sexual desires so dark and shameful that anyone with access to them could blackmail you forever? Just make sure you take an auditor along to get it all down on ink and paper!

Have You Ever Had Unkind Thoughts About L. Ron Hubbard or David Miscavige?


Cut Off Everyone In Your Family Who Became A Suppressive Person This Year

Come on, dig deep, there’s always at least one. What about that aunt who suggested therapy? What about that cousin of yours with clear sympathetic leanings toward Katie Holmes? Remember you’re not shrinking your family circle, you’re making it stronger!

Listen To L. Ron Hubbard Recount The Time He Was Santa Claus

That’s right kids, in a past life L. Ron Hubbard actually was the Santa Claus of planet 4X9V-alpha-Zwerp, and he recorded his memory for you to enjoy year after year! Listen to the tale of one Sant E. Claus as he struggles to deliver presents to the children of his world, where a conspiracy of psychiatrists has influenced the government to make presents illegal! Thrill as Santa escapes the clutches of the psychiatrist’s evil Destructo-beam on his rocket sled driven by plutonium-powered thaten-deer! Cover your ears as Hubbard describes Santa’s sexual prowess in devastatingly precise detail! And it all really happened!

Drink Hot Cocoa And Deny The Existence Of Autism

Enjoy a hot rich chocolatey beverage, made with milk of course, while reveling in the truth that autism is a myth created by suppressive pychiatrists in an effort to make the expulsion of volcano ghosts from the body seem like quackery!

Keep Tabs On Nicole Kidman

There’s always a chance she’ll attempt to reconnect with Tom, and since her father is a known psychiatrist, that can’t happen! The moment she leaves Australian soil we are on red alert people!

Bake A Bunch Of Cookies, Fill Them With Laxatives, And Send Them To A Psychiatrist’s Office

What they do next will have more to offer society than all of the accomplishments of their sacrilegious pseudo-science put together we assure you!



Instead Of Just One Day Of Presents, Enjoy A Plethora Of Past Lives!

Is someone you go to school with trying to rub it in your face that they got a PS5 this year? Well, wait until you tell them that in a past life, you WERE a PS5 on the planet Saturly Reigenold 8 and that you singlehandedly overthrew a tyrannical king and made love to all his beautiful daughters! Merry Christmas! Remember, these memories are not fanciful inventions, but are in fact scientifically derived and self-evident!

Destroy Anderson Cooper

Really you should be doing this all year round, this is just a reminder not to slack just because it’s the holidays.

Watch “Eyes Wide Shut”

Look kids, it’s Tom! And who are all those mean-looking naked people with him? Why they must be psychiatrists and tax collectors! Booo! Hiss!

Take A Moment To Remember You’re Free To Leave The Detention Center Whenever You Choose Provided You Are Willing To Face Being Completely Ostracized By Your Community And Family

That’s right, you want to be punished. You know you deserve it for all those unkind thoughts about L. Ron Hubbard and/or David Miscavige you won’t confess to!

A Traditional Scientological Feast

Yes, these bodies of ours sure do love their sustenance, and whathaveyou don’t they? Humor those pesky, totally unnecessary urges to consume with a bounty of waffles, ketchup soup, and saltine packets. Yum!


Don’t you know this whole thing is a pack of lies orchestrated by politicians and psychiatrists to discredit the church?! Log off now and read “Dianetics” again, twice!

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