15. Growing Weed
A surprisingly zen hobby. Like mixology this one doesn’t exactly give you a clear mind and focus but it can provide a nice side income that allows you to build a nest egg. But the bud economy isn’t what it used to be so this may be more of a distraction than the economic venture it was in the ’90s.
14. Woodworking
Woodworking is actually really fun and rewarding. Look at all this stuff you can make. It’s the intersection of art and practicality. Wait? Maybe woodworking is the new dream? Maybe you need to start selling your stuff at the flea market.
13. Motorcycle
You’re right, you didn’t need to move with the band, you can be cool in other ways. There’s nothing like that feeling of flying around a corner. Who needs those guys? You’ve got all you need right here. The open road. Who needs to go on tour? All you need is speed. Speed and leather. Fuck, should you have gone with them?
12. Record Collecting
Time to transcend into full vinyl guy. You couldn’t make it happen with your band, so you’ve decided to enshrine yourself in your inspiration. Sort of like living in a tomb of defeat.
11. Learning to Read Tarot Cards
This is a really fun trick for parties, and something fun to collect. Plus, some of your shittiest friends have been doing it for years and might be able to give you tips. You may be able to read others’ futures but there’s certainly one thing that ain’t happening in yours.
10. DJing
DJing at the local late-night sandwich shop on Tuesdays. It’s still performing and you’re home at a decent hour, usually with a free sandwich. Not so bad, but it’s not exactly headlining Coachella with special guests Thom Yorke and Bruce Springsteen.
9. Mixology
It’s a great trick to bring out at parties. And having a bar cart does give off a cool vibe. But weren’t you bar-tending to save money to make the move to pursue your dream? Wasn’t a certain substance getting in the way of that? Doubling down on the thing that cost you your dream, nice.
8. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
Being physically dominated by others as a penance for not really following your dream. If you’re paying $150 a month to get beat up by strangers so you can develop cauliflower ear and contract a staph infection, you’ve likely missed the mark when it comes to following your dreams.
7. Bird Watching
You’ve long since forgotten about your dreams, goals, and aspirations. Actually, you’ve forgotten most things. What day is it? Who is this woman in my house? Is that a tufted titmouse?
6. Genealogy
Tracking your ancestry as a hobby is a tough look. But it may be helpful to know that you’ve come from a long line of people whose only success was survival. Which shouldn’t make it that difficult to feel like you’ve done something with your life. Hey, your grandfather died at age 26, what a loser. A war hero, but a loser.
5. Podcast Critic
Criticizing podcasts that criticize the industry you dreamt of working in. If you lack the courage to at least be only one layer above your dream it’s probably not gonna happen for you. But you know what they say, those who can’t do, write negative reviews about podcasts.
4. Marathon Running
Traveling the country to run 26.2 miles in new cities. You’ve got all the drive and discipline a person could have. Yet you’ve chosen to channel that into a sport where shitting yourself is not only accepted but encouraged, but we get it, you could’ve achieved your dreams if you wanted to.
3. Pickleball
Look at you out there with your orthopedic shoes, little paddle, and visor playing against an 82-year-old landlord worth way more than your tiny brain could comprehend. You’ve given up on your dream, but you absolutely don’t care. You don’t care what anyone thinks, that’s why you’re playing a sport called pickleball.
2. Adult Coloring Books
You got one foot in the grave, sister. There’s no other way to put it. You had a good run, but now you’re comatose, soon you’ll wanna know what those crayons taste like. The dream has come and gone.
1. Golf
Dreams are for children, right? You’ve let that ship sail a long time ago. And actually, when you’re not on the greens, you’re doing a little sailing of yourself. The boss takes you out on the boat once a quarter. Worth it right? Who needs to create art that inspires generations when you have a 8 a.m. tee tume. At least you landed in a nice car instead of living out of one.
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