Every Andrew W.K. Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

Folks, there’s no other way to put it: it is indeed time to party. When your career includes both working with Wolf Eyes to having your own show on Cartoon Network (not Adult Swim, mind you! Cartoon Network proper! We’re talking “lead-in to ‘Ed, Edd n Eddy’” over here!) you’ve had a pretty unbeatable life. And if you’re Andrew W.K, you’re no stranger to showing just how awesome you think that very life is. So, get your white jeans back from the dry cleaners and ready them for some more sweat stains (well, we hope that’s just sweat…) because today we rank all of Andrew W.K’s studio albums, or pass out from sleep-deprivation trying!

6. God Is Partying (2021)

While it’s always a bummer to put an artist’s most recent offering on the last place chopping block, sometimes that’s just the way the beer can crushes. W.K goes for a straight up metal reinvention, which unfortunately sounds a bit too much like Jack Black coming up with impromptu songs for “School of Rock.” It’s got its scant highlights, sure, but you have to wait to the latter half of the album to hit them, like “I Made It” successfully capturing the feel of an unmade ’80s Stallone film.

Play It Again: “And Then We Blew Apart” sounds like a long-lost Bowie track, complete with passable impression!
Skip It: “Remember Your Oath”

5. 55 Cadillac (2009)

As jarring as the idea of an “all instrumental, free-improv, solo piano concept album about drivin’ around in your car from Andrew W.K” might be, even more jarring still is the fact that…it kinda works! Piano has always been a part of W.K’s repertoire, and these compositions function as Andrew W.K songs if you close your eyes and BELIEVE, damn it! Even despite the complete lack of party talk. At the end of the day, ya gotta give the guy points for taking such a big swing but still having it fit into his catalog. Highlights include our hero being moved to create a drum set out of the piano in “Night Driver” and the surprise big finish of “Cadillac.”

Play It Again: See below
Skip It: Uh, well…We’ll be honest, this one’s kind of an “all or nothing” affair.

4. Close Calls With Brick Walls (2006)

While it may not reach the huge heights of his better LPs, “Close Calls With Brick Walls” is nothing if not W.K’s most variety-packed. Jumping genres from Hawkwind-esque space drone on “Close Calls With Bal Harbour,” channeling Girl U Want-era Devo on “Pushing Drugs” and only relying on his tried-and-true “hyper-caffeinated Meat Loaf” schtick on scant songs (such as the ultimate slumber party anthem “Not Going To Bed”) It’s no “I Get Wet,” but W.K is clearly having a blast mixing it up with his vocal style and instrumentation (Yup, that’s a xylophone you hear on “Las Vegas, Nevada”) Plus, we’ve run the numbers, and this album title is definitely in the running for coolest of all time.

Play It Again: “I Want To See You Go Wild”
Skip It: “Hand on the Place”

3. You’re Not Alone (2018)

Interspersed with inspiring spoken-word interludes that sound like what would emerge if Mr. Rogers and Henry Rollins got in the teleporter from the Fly, “You’re Not Alone” is W.K at his most philosophical. Full to bursting with his trademark energy and unending quest for the party, “You’re Not Alone” also just might make you tear up from thinking of the halcyon days of your youth. The spoken vignettes certainly run the risk of wrecking the flow, but it’s frankly kind of nice to have your own personal AWK in your headphones, as the little cartoon angel on your shoulder… Errr, cartoon devil, we mean, or, uh…Dang, which one is he???

Play It Again: The segue from “The Feeling of Being Alive” into “Party Mindset” gives the sensation of a glorious parallel universe dirtbag Schoolhouse Rock episode.
Skip It: “Break the Curse”

2. I Get Wet (2001)

Our boy Andrew careens from the depths of Michigan noise-rock scene and into the public eye with this aural cinder block to the face. It’s the one we all know and love, and it’s a classic for a reason: this thing GOES! Hits like “Party Hard,” “It’s Time to Party,” and “Party Till You Puke” solidify W.K’s penchant for a good get-together, for lack of a better term…damn, why can’t I think of the word I want? It’ll come to me, I’m sure. Anyway, this one’s undeniable, but there’s still room to grow, and if anyone has the energy to top themselves, it’s W.K.

Play It Again: “I Love NYC” kicks Sinatra’s ode to the Big Apple right in the ass
Skip It: “Don’t Stop Living in the Red” is nice, but it’s a bit of a hat-on-a-hat after the triumph of the title track, if you ask us.

1. The Wolf (2003)

What do you get when you cross all the fun and fury of “I Get Wet” with the added bonus of matured songwriting? Why, Andrew W.K’s best album “The Wolf,” of course! Alright, that might not be a very funny joke, but that’s not what we’re here for…we’re here, as always, to PARTY. “The Wolf” may not have the mainstream notoriety of its predecessor, but that’s what makes it take the top spot for us – it’s the polar opposite of a sophomore slump. A neverending freight train of rock-solid songs like “Totally Stupid,” “Your Rules,” “Never Let Down” let the listener know they’re in good hands…when that hand isn’t balled into a fist and punching “the idea of spending a quiet night in” in the crotch. Plus, with all the choir singing, and talk of the importance of friends and family, you could conceivably pass this off as Christmas music once winter comes. Throw it on at the next midnight mass and let us know how that goes for you!

Play It Again: “I Love Music” because, well, we do too.
Skip It: “Make Sex” (because we’re pretty sure he’s talking about the “pre-marital” variety, and we don’t want our monocles to shatter from such ribaldry!)

Top 15 Cannibal Corpse Songs We Want to See Narrated by David Attenborough

Posted on by Nicholas Kobe

British Broadcasting legend David Attenborough has had a long and illustrious career as the gold standard of documentary narration. There isn’t anyone else on this planet who can make sophisticated scientific information soothing, compelling, and accessible. As we approach David’s 98th birthday, we feel like this legend needs a change of pace. Yeah, animals are cool and all, but you know what’s begging to be conveyed in a sophisticated, high-class way? Cannibal Corpse lyrics. Truly the peak of artistry, Cannibal Corpse are wordsmiths of the highest degree. It’s only natural to marry David’s talents with one of the most serene and peaceful metal bands. We’re sure nothing weird will come out of that at all. (Listen to the playlist)

15. “Devoured By Vermin”

We’re gonna spend a lot of this list essentially comparing humans to animals, and making David Attenborough describe the worst crimes imaginable as natural processes. For this song however, let’s give him a break. He finally gets to talk about an actual animal. Mice. They’re still devouring corpses though. But the main reason we want to hear David’s scientific mind tackle “Devoured by Vermin” is to watch him try to justify how the subject somehow stays alive through having his eyes rip out, skin chewed to the bone, and shredded internal organs.

14. “Rancid Amputation”

Another one of the “tutorial in slaughtering people” songs in Cannibal Corpse’s discography, “Rancid Amputation” makes it on the list because Attenborrough’s sophistication would enhance lines like “Stumps writhing in sludge like an infection.” The first-person narration of the song also makes it even funnier. We want to hear Attenborough try to sound intimidating as he threatens “your own rectal slime, I’ll force you to drink,” but still somehow making these gruesome lyrics very warm and inviting.

13. “Scalding Hail”

While nature documentaries primarily focus on animal-on-animal interaction, we’d be doing ourselves a disservice to ignore natural disasters. Sure, how tectonic plate movements impact the oceanic ecosystem is interesting, Sure, but you know what’s way cooler? A volcano destroying an entire city. Ecosystems be damned, let’s talk about “Burning fragments steaming stones tearing through my skin. Lodging near my organs I’m burning from within.” The large-scale drama of “multiple people being graphically killed” versus the usual “one person being graphically killed” will allow David to ham up the drama here. Taking long, dramatic pauses between every sentence. The only reason this ranks lower is because these lyrics give him too much unironically good material to work with. It’s great, it just needs more phrases you’d hear screamed in the back of a middle school bus.

12. “The Wretched Spawn”

Here we arrive at another staple of nature documentaries, perfectly suited for Attenborogh’s description. This is of course, the birthing process. Typically, Attenborough doesn’t have to do much talking for these scenes. He can just let the cute and tender moment speak for itself. We can’t see why he wouldn’t do the same here when this cute little guy is described as a “pawn of the darkness,” “blasphemous child” and “inherently vile.” So, if David chooses to let those adorable characteristics speak for themselves, he can come in and add some context for the bright future of this baby as “Predestined to annihilate, through sinister eugenics.”

11. “Postmortal Ejaculation”

Another cornerstone of David Attenborough’s discography is telling miraculous stories of survival, as weaker prey are somehow able to survive situations that should, by all means, kill them. “Postmortal ejaculation” is Cannibal Corpse’s version of this. Somehow, a man’s horniness wills him to resurrect himself after committing suicide via cumming. Attenborough could enhance this song by telling it as a triumphant overcoming of death and the human desire to commit horrible atrocities. On top of that, we want to hear David say “Adipocere spurts from my erection,” solely because “adipocere” is the first term we had to google a definition for in this list, and maybe he would make that make more sense.

10. “Raped by the Beast”

Now it’s time to lean on one of Attenborough’s best skills; keeping a straight face while he explains the freakiest sex in the animal kingdom. So of course, “Raped by the Beast” will be a softball. The lyric “Resurgence of a gruesome species, with carnal obsession, it lusts copulation,” already feels more like a nature documentary than a song with a longer list of trigger warnings than lyrics. Of course, though, the ever-elegant Cannibal Corpse graces us with pure poetry such as “Macabre fuckfest inside her cunt.” Attenborough really doesn’t have to add much of his calm collected delivery to make this super palatable song go down as well as bringing up the weird obsession with sexual violence to any old-school death metal fan. Super super easy.

9. “Disposal of the Body”

Considering there’s already been so much killing on the list our documentary needs a little switch-up. What’s more educational than seeing the lesser-known processes of life? Luckily Cannibal Corpse provides us with “Disposal of the Body,” where we get a thorough, factual, and comprehensive look at hiding a corpse. While Attenborough may not be a “how to” guide person, he’s great at craving meaty information into understandable steps (pun intended). This makes Attenborough the perfect man to describe to break down the mutilation process into simple steps like “dissect him in the tub,” “smash the teeth,” and “with a crowbar-scrape off all tattoos.” With such clear and logical directions provided by one of the smartest men on TV, you too will know how to hide a body.

8. “Force Fed Broken Glass”

You know, to switch up the pace, maybe we need to give David a break from describing eating via murder and cannibalism. Nature is diverse and luckily, Cannibal Corpse provides a vegan option, eating broken glass. Attenborough gets to be more relaxed as he describes the very tame process of “oral sex with broken glass.” There are just some choice lyrics that beg for sophisticated analysis, such as “glandular eruption” and “blistered skin secretion.” This is totally different than all the other depictions of blood and gore up to this point. At least the process of the graphics team CGI rendering this shredded throat will only be slightly less miserable than whatever shitty Marvel show is next to hit Disney+
.

7. “I Cum Blood”

This had to be on the list at some point. “I Cum Blood” is baby’s first absurd metal title, and while the word “cum” has won me plenty of Jackbox games, there’s more to this song that deserves narration. Nature documentary narration helps us understand what’s happening in animals’ heads as they live in the wild. Well, the next logical step is describing how “a load of my lymph, will quench this dead body’s thirst” and how our subject will achieve that through “behaviors” such as “tonguing her rotted anus” and when he “pissed in her maggot-filled asshole.” These lyrics read like a story, and if there’s one man who could lull us to sleep talking about getting an STD from necrophilia, it’s David Attenborough.

6. “Covered with Sores”

Unfortunately, another part of nature is disease. Part of life is doing whatever it takes to persevere through disease. Getting way too many shots, mildly violated by a strep throat test, and sucking the puss out of corpses. All of these are part of the necessary things we as humans must do to survive. In the most climactic moments of nature documentaries, Attenborough’s underrated emotional delivery can really sell the desperation of a creature at the edge. This keeps us on the edge of our seats rooting for the monkey to find that one medicinal leaf, or for this man to find a body to smash with a sledgehammer, carve up with a knife, and consume organ by organ. Those two things are definitely the same. To be blunt though, we’d be lying if we said that part of the reason this is so high is because we want to hear David Attenborough dramatize “throbbing glands” and “pus eruption of cysts.”

5. “Hammer Smashed Face”

A staple of every nature documentary is the hunt where we get treated to the most pathetic-looking creature getting torn apart by whatever apex giga-chad predator is being focused on. “Hammer Smashed Face” is, in the same way, a hunt, just replace claws with a sledgehammer. David could build up suspense and a complex primal desire of “I feel like killing you” and pay as we see him “smash your fucking head in until your brains seep in” Plus, every time nature documentaries show a hunt, it has to end on a scene where we realize that this is a never-ending cycle and I realize I watched a gazelle’s intestines getting knawed on for nothing. I can’t think of a better sentiment to encapsulate that feeling that “Violence is my way of life, the sledge my tool of torture as it plows down on your forehead.”

4. “Compelled to Lacerate”

“Compelled to Lacerate” is one of the more “high class” Cannibal Corpse songs. We aren’t committing murder, we’re compelled to lacerate. There’s a difference. David’s voice would add even more sophistication to it. We want to hear David say “Ruptured figures sprawl. Slaughtered in a rage now left to be found. A grisly gift of art” with the same energy as your high school English teacher talked about “Farenheight 451.” This is high society shit goddamn it. Why would you think otherwise?

3. “Dismembered and Molested”

“Dismembered and Molested” would work well for Attenborough because it’s one of Cannibal Corpse’s most “matter-of-fact songs.” Instead of David talking narrating “First the whale shark opens its mouth to take small fish and krill in, then it filters the hundreds of tiny organisms into its mouth using its gill rakers as a filter, and pushes the remaining water out of its gills” he instead gets to describe a much more serene process. “Sever the limbs. Decapitate. Yank out the teeth, then masturbate. Pounding the face, ejaculate.” His trademark delivery would make the song soothing while providing insightful step-by-step insight into the key biological processes that are cutting someone apart while you jerk off.

2. “Gutted”

Gutted is a wonderful 2-for-1 of nature documentary staples. Of course, we get the classic dissection and eating of Cannibal Corpse songs. What’s new is another nature documentary staple. That being, of course, the vicious murder of a cute baby animal. Typically, Attenborough leads you gently into this, being like “Oh but that’s life isn’t it.” Well, Cannibal Corpse eases you in about as gently as drunk crowdkillers at an all-ages show. We want to see how he attempts to explain “the knife invades the child” as normal ways of an oh-so-hungry creature to obtain key sustenance such as “gutted little torsos” and “various digestive parts and assorted meats”. Luckily the song gives David an out with a super logical motivation “Killing to release pure souls to heavens. Justification of his killing,” so like in a nature documentary, Attenborough can use his soothing charm to make the horrifying scene we just saw seem somewhat justified.

1. “Mangled”

We’ve talked about cannibalism, and corpses a lot through this article so far, shocker. Well, one of the most fitting songs for David Attenborrogh’s reading is the most thorough description of cannibalism we get. We’re accustomed to talking about how each organ of a whale carcass is consumed by orcas and can benefit the oceanic ecosystem. So, with all the murder talk, we’d be missing out if we didn’t have a step-by-step description, and boy, do we get one. Some highlights include “Crawl into the cadaver head first, eat your way through the guts,” “Spleen of carcass is oozing from your mouth,” “Suck the vomit through intestines,” and the most important step of all “chew on the piss-filled kidney”. As the song progresses, however, we learn that not only is our protagonist taking apart his victims, but he’s also re-animating them. Attenborough gets to detail the entire circle of life in one song, taking us on a journey from death to birth. If you ask me, there’s no better use of his calm voice, sophisticated demeanor, and crystal-clear articulation than describing some acts of brutal murder, and “Mangled” shows all that range and potential in one song.

Child of Broken Up Polycule Looking Forward to Six Birthdays and Christmases

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Eight-year-old Chase Gibson was optimistic after the dissolution of the polycule that had raised him since birth after realizing he will get to celebrate six birthdays and Christmases a year, friends of the group have confirmed.

“I know I should be more upset about my family splitting up into three times as many pieces as normal divorced families but this could be for the best, specifically in the gift department. I was fortunate to have been raised by an overly supportive network of horny adults who don’t believe in monogamy, and since they all took turns driving me to soccer practice it’s basically guaranteed I’ll get six individual birthday parties and ‘visits from Santa,’” said Gibson. “Frankly it’s the least they can do after raising me in a living situation not unlike a hostel. If I play my cards right, I can ask them all for different PC components and build a kickass gaming computer.”

One of Chase’s mothers was determined to ensure he was loved and supported after the splits.

“I know it wasn’t easy growing up in a very non-traditional household, but Chase understands that it’s possible to love more than one person at once. But sometimes moms, dads, boyfriends, and their boyfriend’s friend with benefits grow apart when they can’t decide whose name is supposed to be on the gas bill. He shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of adult problems,” said Shelly Gibson. “We all want to reassure him that he is loved, but working out six different holiday rotations has been rough considering we all shared a single car.”

While decoupling is common, family therapists saw the child’s situation more difficult to navigate.

“Blended families provide wonderfully nurturing environments for children, though this is the first time I’ve heard of four men and two women raising a single kid. It’s admirable they want to remain in his life but let’s be real, any kid looking at the prospect of half a dozen gift-related celebrations will probably milk this for all it’s worth,” said psychologist Mary Holtz. “It’s important that they also focus on showing him the importance of quality time and words of assurance, otherwise there’s potential for Chase to manipulate this into a present-based pyramid scheme.”

As of press time, the number of the boy’s potential presents skyrocketed after one of his parent’s exes converted to Judaism, noting they’ll celebrate all eight nights of Hanukkah.

Man Humiliated at Karaoke Bar After Forgetting Lyrics to Daft Punk’s “Around the World”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Jeff Abrams made a complete ass of himself after blanking on the lyrics to Daft Punk’s “Around the World” during his performance at karaoke, confirmed sources.

“I don’t even like karaoke, but it’s my friend’s birthday so I had to participate, and I thought I picked the easiest song. In my defense there were like four people watching me so maybe stage fright got the best of me, but my mind just went blank as soon as the prompter started. I thought it was stuck on the title screen!” said Abrams. “I was just blurting out anything like ‘across the globe’ and at one point I started doing William Shatner’s version of ‘Rocket Man.’ I don’t know what is worse, that I fucked this up or that I did so for seven straight minutes.”

Abrams’ friends were slowly finding, to their horror, that he was not doing a bit.

“I honestly thought he was messing with us until we all noticed he was sweating profusely and looking like he was having a panic attack. Jeff literally has 144 chances to get right and he’s assembling every other combination of words except the correct ones. We even tried to help him by singing along and he told us to ‘Shut the fuck up’ and threatened to stab us,” said Kelsey Smith. “I have witnessed this man scream indecipherable black metal music effortlessly and here he is now unable to string three words together. I mean we’re never going to let him live this down of course, but right now he needs to fake some technical difficulties because this is painful to watch.”

Bar staff veterans of the karaoke night shift had seen countless bad performances, but none like this.

“The split between bad and good karaoke singers is like 30/70 on a good night. I’d rather see a drunken, off-key, and badly timed performance than whatever this guy is doing. I’ve never seen secondhand embarrassment this bad since the night we watched some dude botch The Exploited’s ‘Sex and Violence,’” said bartender Greg Stacey. “I just hope he stays away from social media for a few days because everyone in the bar is recording this train wreck. Poor bastard is going to be internet famous.”

Abrams’ attempt to redeem himself backfired spectacularly, as he was booed mercilessly offstage after forgetting the lyrics to “Tequila.”

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Trying To Look Cool In Front Of Our 750,000 Instagram Followers

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Spring is finally here. A season of reinvention and change is upon us. While the entire world embraces the warmer temperatures and eagerly tries out new looks and experiences, you’ve been confined to your living room wearing a Title Fight t-shirt that hasn’t been washed in several months or possibly even years. It’s time to get out of the rut you’ve willingly crawled into and turn a new leaf. One of the easiest ways to trick people into thinking you’ve cultivated a new outlook on life is by digging into some new music. Since we know you have no idea people still make new music, we’ve compiled a list of tracks to help ease you back into the real world. Take a listen, and maybe, like, go for a walk or something. You’re bumming us out.

TWRP “Content 4 U”

If you’re anything like us, you’ve always wondered what ELO would sound like if Jeff Lynne had an iPhone in the late ‘70s. Fortunately, Canada’s futura-pop champions TWRP have been hard at work in what we assume is a remote, darkly lit lab on the outskirts of Halifax finding the exact answer to that ridiculous question. Their latest album, ‘Digital Nightmare,’ delivers 12 of the most infectious songs you’ve ever heard detailing humanity’s ever-growing dependency on the digital world. Album highlight ‘Content 4 U’ is a vocoder-laced plea for mercy in a world that demands constant entertainment. It’s the most you’ll ever dance to a deeply concerning message in your entire life.

Softcult “Spiralling Out”

Up and coming Canadian duo Softcult have been making waves with their unique sonic blend of grunge and shoegaze coupled with a delightful mall-goth aesthetic. They’ve been steadily dropping new singles, culminating in the announcement of a new EP entitled, ‘Heaven.’ To mark the occasion, they’ve dropped yet another track, a delirious ode to those struggling with anxiety entitled ‘Spiralling Out.’ As if the incredible track wasn’t enough, the accompanying video is so disorienting that when we put it up on our in-office projector, seven of our interns threw up simultaneously.

The Gaslight Anthem “Ocean Eyes” (Billie Eilish Cover)

It’s no secret that the influence of Billie Eilish has a wider reach than most could even begin to fathom. Hearing her seminal track, ‘Ocean Eyes,’ screamed with the trademark grit of Brian Fallon, however, is refreshing territory. The cover comes as part of the Gaslight Anthem’s new EP ‘History Books – Short Stories,’ a companion piece to last year’s incredible comeback LP, ‘History Books.’ As great songs often do, the pop flair of Eilish’s ‘Ocean Eyes,’ transitions into the high-octane Gaslight Anthem sonic world with ease, finally giving you something to talk about with your younger siblings or nieces and nephews.

Adrianne Lenker “Free Treasure”

Adrianne Lenker is a musical force that can not be stopped or reckoned with. Her latest album, ‘Bright Future’ marks the eleventh release between her band, Big Thief, and solo material in just under a decade. Where other artists might find themselves yearning for a hiatus, or simply just out of ideas, Lenker only seems to be dipping her toes while simultaneously making the multitude of songwriters on our staff feel really shitty about not finishing their bedroom albums. The final advance leading up to the incredible album, ‘Free Treasure,’ is an inviting and warm ode to a fledgling relationship that proves Lenker’s talents continue to radiate even in their most stripped down form.

Night Verses “Slow Dose (feat. Anthony Green)”

The legendary SoCal instrumental trio just released the first half of their double album, ‘Every Sound Has A Color In The Valley Of The Night’ last week, and it is a stark reminder that they are one of the best of their genre. This time around, they have enlisted the help of a few guest vocalists to articulate the feelings that cannot be conveyed by all the atmospheric guitar wizardry they typically employ. One of these guests is none other than Circa Survive’s Anthony Greene, who lends his signature tenor to the breathy, moody ‘Slow Dose.’ It’s the kind of song that will remind you of that time you almost tried shrooms at a music festival, which is fitting due to the fact that Brandon Boyd also makes an appearance on the record.

Modest Mouse “Ocean Breathes Salty – Poolside Remix”

If you can believe it, Modest Mouse’s seminal breakthrough album ‘Good News For People Who Love Bad News’ is celebrating its 20th anniversary this year. This makes the album title even more fitting considering how much this announcement reminds us of our impending, inescapable mortality. Because the band knows how depressing the passage of time can be, they are releasing an expanded version of the album with several newer before heard remixes, including the just released Poolside remix of the hit single ‘Ocean Breathes Salty.’ It’s a dancy arrangement that is sure to make you want to head straight to the beach until you remember all of your joint problems and that weird mole thing that’s been growing on your toe.

Did you know we’ve compiled these and several other songs into a convenient and disorienting playlist? Did you also know we update it every week so you never even have to try to look for new songs yourself? It’s because we love you that much, even though you’ll never appreciate it enough. Click here to listen, follow, and share. If we get enough likes, we might even consider adding good music to it!

Spring Is Sprung! Here’s the Top 20 Excuses To Avoid Self Care Now That You No Longer Have Depression

Posted on by Dan Rice

For many the winter months can be absolutely devastating on mental health. Even if you’re lucky enough to live in a part of the country that doesn’t experience snow and extreme cold, the lack of sunlight can still trigger severe depression. Luckily, spring is here, with sunny days and flowers all around to flood your brain with dopamine! Unfortunately, there’s this unwritten expectation that you’re supposed to actually go out and do stuff now, which frankly, you didn’t sign up for!

Sure, you spent all winter mindlessly staying in, eating junk food, and binge-watching television, but now that you have healthier brain chemistry, you can actually enjoy doing that stuff! Your “loved ones” however may encourage you to ride this wave into the oceans of self-care, activity, and overall life improvement. Vampires!

Here are 20 convenient excuses to keep on keepin’ on and deter chattery interlopers who “want what’s best for you.”

20. Consider a minor but somewhat debilitating injury

A medium amount of damage to either knee or ankle can take most exercise off the board for another 6-8 weeks. Why not give planters fasciitis a try? You’ll be surprised how many other people have been suffering through it.

19. Just, the election and everything, and UGH!

You know? You know what I mean? You know.

18. I just got out of a major depressive episode

We don’t wanna do too much too fast! A month ago I was doing nothing but binging television shows stoned and sad, now I’m binging shows stoned with a sense of mindfulness. Let’s see how this plays out for a few months.

17. My cat is sick

I can’t just leave him like this, he needs someone to ignore!

16. Eating healthy right away would be a shock to my system

I feel like my body needs to relearn how to process vegetables slowly and gradually. This is going to take 6-8 months, and by that time it will be dark at 4 p.m. again and I’ll resume my Flamin’ Hot Cheeto diet.

15. The origins of Spring cleaning are problematic

Colonizers would always start just tidying up and organizing, then, next thing you know, genocide.

14. I’m still like not even halfway through Buffy

I think a great way to tackle my depression is by actually finishing something for a change, and I’m going to start with this 4th rewatch!

13. I keep getting Ubereats promos

At 40% off, if I don’t keep getting McDonald’s dropped off at my door I’m practically throwing money away!

12. I’m doing positive rumination now

Sure a month ago I was spending all my downtime just sitting alone with a glazed-over look thinking about all of the scary things I can’t control, but now I’m doing the same thing thinking about what I would do if I win the lottery!

11. ADHD

I’m not sure how it prevents self-care, but I keep saying it and so far no one has questioned it.

10. A more active lifestyle is a slippery slope that leads to unwanted pregnancy

I really don’t feel like I need to show my math here.

9. The staff at Chipotle is like family to me at this point

It’s not the healthiest lunch option but we’ve definitely established a relationship, and while I can’t recall any of their names at the moment I can’t just ghost them.

8. The sun makes me want a gin & tonic

I know I said I would cool it on the booze once the weather got nice, but that was just the beer and whiskey talking. Besides, gin & tonic has a whole slice of lime in it, and I’m pretty sure that’s a vegetable.

7. The gym is too crowded this time of year

Sure I’m feeling a renewed sense of motivation and energy with all of the sunlight, but so is every other sucker in town! I don’t wanna have to fight for a spot on every machine. Better to wait for winter to roll around when things cool down.

6. 4/20 day is right around the corner!

What’s the point of getting sober now when I’m just going to be obligated to get blazed out of my mind in a few weeks? You can’t fault me for being a holiday person.

5. I refuse to participate in spring until everyone can participate in spring

The Rockies experience more snowfall in April than any other month and that is WRONG!

4. Allergies

Now that I’m no longer miserable I would love to join you for a hike! Unfortunately, it’s pollen season, and my allergies make me an indoor kid for the rest of spring. Don’t push allergy medicine on me, I don’t want pills to change who I am.

3. I’m actually pulling off the dirtbag look!

The tattered clothes, overgrown hair, and shaggy beard all started as manifestations of my deep depression, but now that I have energy and motivation again they’re all choices.

2. I’m just gonna get depressed again anyway

Just because I’m happy and my brain is swimming with dopamine right now doesn’t mean it’s not all BULLSHIT, man.

1. Sobriety and exercise would actually send me into mania

This is a dangerous, transitional time for me and I’m one push-up endorphin release away from streaking through town hall and calling myself Jesus Christ.

That’s Really All It Took?! We Got This Guy To Stop Supporting Trump by Mocking Him With a Fake Whip Noise

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Trump supporters are notorious for their undying loyalty to their creamsicle god. The idea that Trump could shoot someone on 5th avenue and not lose any votes seems so real. That’s why it was so shocking to us when we got this guy to stop supporting Trump just by making that fake whip noise you use when you make fun of your buddy for being whipped. Like how the hell did this work?

We got into a conversation with this guy we’ll refer to as ‘Jeff’ on account of that being his name. He was ranting about some inane border conspiracy and how Trump was the only one who could save us from trans-hamas-socialist-fascist-satanic illegals crossing the border. I told him his devotion to Trump showed how whipped he really was and started going “fwi-tch” while snapping my wrist. Every time he tried to speak I would call him whipped and do it again. To my shock, he finally said he’s going to prove me wrong and not vote for Trump anymore!

Like when I first started doing it he got mad and said he was going to beat my ass. I told him he could try but he couldn’t beat me any harder than Trump already whips his ass before snapping my wrist a few more times and this caused Jeff to turn redder than his hat.

He went into this long diatribe about how much Biden sucks and tried to say that Biden had my ass whipped. The problem was that all I did was agree with him every time he said Biden sucks. That certainly made some wires come loose because he couldn’t understand that I don’t have the same undying devotion to Biden that he does to his non-safe word word-respecting dominatrix daddy T.

I finally told him he wasn’t his own man anymore and that his ass should get branded with the Trump logo already because it’s clearly Donald’s property. Like if someone wanted Trump steaks they don’t have to go to the Sharper Image anymore because they could just get some of Jeff’s ass because it’s clearly Trump’s property. That was the final straw apparently.

Anyway I don’t know who Jeff is going to vote for now but he swears he’s not going to vote for Trump anymore. I don’t know maybe I can get him to not vote for Ted Cruz next by saying I can’t hear him because his mouth is too full of Ted’s cock. The possibilities are endless!

​Study Finds More Americans Taking on Second or Third Mid-Life Crises

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — A recent study conducted by the Census Bureau revealed that the majority of Millennial Americans are forced to take on a second or third midlife crisis just by existing in the United States, multiple sources have confirmed.

“After extensive research, our data has shown the number of citizens experiencing existential crises has not only doubled in the last 20 years, but that many are juggling two or three of them at once. It’s approximately one crisis for every job worked or child reared,” said Bureau researcher Morgan Chase. “Thirty years ago one could suffer suburban malaise and wonder if they did anything meaningful with their lives on a single dead-end job. Now Millennials are quickly becoming the new ‘olds’ with little to show for it, so millions of people are on the verge of dying their hair and moving to a different country within a week.”

Those who participated in the research were well aware they were disassociating much more than previous generations.

“I was barely holding it together after this 19-year-old barista referred to me as ma’am, but then I got my student loan bill and 20-year high school graduation invite on the same day. I cannot handle having so much time behind me while I’m still yet to find a rewarding career, which means if I’m going to recapture the feeling of being young and carefree I’m going to have to take up even more hobbies to distract myself,” said Taylor Clemmons, age 36. “I can’t physically take one more video of a Gen Z kid confused by how landline phones work. I’m already training for a triathlon and wall climbing to feel young again. I don’t think my knees can handle having to face my own mortality much longer.”

Psychologists helping patients through the multitude of crises expressed worry that the issue may compound over time.

“Handling a patient’s midlife crisis used to be easy, like they went out and bought a muscle car without consulting their wives or whatever. But let’s face it, after 2020, everyone’s anxieties started running wild once it appeared civilization was in the endgame,’ said Dr. Richard Brown. “I’ve had at least several guys in here blow their kids’ college funds buying Stratocasters and converting their garages into bars, just to realize they can’t play or handle their booze anymore. It’s a vicious downward spiral.”

The study also warned that a substantial number of Americans are just one soul-searching dilemma away from asking their spouses for an open marriage.

Help! Bragging About Landing This Job Has Run Its Course and Now I Have To Work This Fucking Job!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Well, I did it! After weeks of updating my resume, blasting job sites, and interviewing for several positions, I landed the most impressive-sounding job I’ve ever had! But oh, no! The last few likes on my “dream job” post trickled in days ago, and now there’s nothing left to do but work this fucking job! Help!

I used the “dream job” label pretty loosely. It just sounds so perfect for the post. The “fucking told you so” call to my dad was liberating. Texting former coworkers that I’m better than them now was gratifying. But blasting my achievement on social media was just pure bliss! The number of likes on my “new job” post rivaled all my dumb friends’ weddings and firstborn child posts. Those life events don’t even get the added bragging avenue of LinkedIn! With all those likes and comments rolling in, I felt like an influencer.

Welp! The honeymoon’s over, I guess. I milked it for all it’s worth, and now I’m buried in work at my dumb new desk. It’s not even work-from-home! I even tried a follow-up post of me on my first day, but it only got 6 likes cus everyone was probably like, “Yeah man, you fucking told us already.” Unless I just subtly drop it in conversations with strangers, there’s no other way to eke more immediate gratification out of this!

Here’s the thing about finding good work—it’s still work! The worst thing there is! Your job could be eating ice cream all day, it doesn’t matter. The second someone says “Eat this ice cream when we say to or you will be homeless” you won’t want to do it!

Man, getting a new job is like all of my sexual encounters. I climax before the job even starts, and now someone is mad at me because I lied about my past experience. Except, in this case, I really hope they don’t throw me out. My mom would be so pissed. Even as I write this, my boss is just staring daggers at me, expecting something that I have no idea how to do. Like, who can conjure up 3 Disney memes in one day?! No one. I had one about the sexual tension between that human woman and a bee, but “Bee Movie” was Dreamworks!

I gotta get out of here. It’s for the best. I’ll get to live at my mom’s a bit longer (which will delay her new boyfriend from moving in), and I can really focus on drafting a new “new job” post!

Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll: I Just Jerked Off, Took My Prozac, and Listened to the Glee Cover of “Dream On”

Posted on by Malia Simon

The ‘70s are back, baby, and they’re right here in my 250-square-foot apartment. I’m reliving the debauchery of the decade by masturbating to completion, taking my doctor-prescribed dosage of antidepressants, and listening to the “Glee” cover of “Dream On,” arguably the best track on the perfectly good “Glee Collection” vinyl that my upstairs neighbor was throwing away for some reason.

I’ve always said I was born in the wrong generation, and everything about this Tuesday night takes me back to the golden age of the sexual revolution when being sweaty and horny was in and it was badass to have zero control over your sexual impulses. Now picture this: if you think having orgies and threesomes in a club are rock ‘n roll, imagine having a one-some in your own home with your hand and an improvised Fleshlight made of out a Nalgene bottle and old sponges. It’s really the ultimate act of rebellion for the modern individualist if you think about it. Don’t believe me? Then why do I feel a nearly insurmountable wave of guilt and shame after finishing? And why do I immediately reach for my drugs on the nightstand?

And yes, by drugs I mean the antidepressants I have been medically prescribed in order to be baseline functional—the ‘Zac, or as some have called it, “the feeling man’s cocaine.” Call me a product of my time, but there is no drug that makes me rock out more than one that keeps me from walking into traffic every morning. LSD and molly are nice for the young buck, but these days I get down to feeling bare-minimum okay inside. As I’ve always said, what better way to party like you don’t give a fuck than actually chemically stabilizing your mood?

Finally, for the music. Tonight I have once again chosen to relive the iconic moment in rock ‘n roll history of the Neil Patrick Harris and Matthew Morrison “Dream On” duet from Season 1 Episode 19 of “Glee.” Sure, I could put on The Stones or Hendrix like a normie, but personally I can relate to music more when there is a backstory about the highs and lows of high school drama club. Being rock ‘n roll is all about being yourself, which also happens to be the exact takeaway message of “Glee.” See, while some are chasing down the sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll era, others of us have never stopped living it. As Matthew Morrison beautifully belts in his verse: “You got to lose to know how to win.”