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Child of Broken Up Polycule Looking Forward to Six Birthdays and Christmases

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Eight-year-old Chase Gibson was optimistic after the dissolution of the polycule that had raised him since birth after realizing he will get to celebrate six birthdays and Christmases a year, friends of the group have confirmed.

“I know I should be more upset about my family splitting up into three times as many pieces as normal divorced families but this could be for the best, specifically in the gift department. I was fortunate to have been raised by an overly supportive network of horny adults who don’t believe in monogamy, and since they all took turns driving me to soccer practice it’s basically guaranteed I’ll get six individual birthday parties and ‘visits from Santa,’” said Gibson. “Frankly it’s the least they can do after raising me in a living situation not unlike a hostel. If I play my cards right, I can ask them all for different PC components and build a kickass gaming computer.”

One of Chase’s mothers was determined to ensure he was loved and supported after the splits.

“I know it wasn’t easy growing up in a very non-traditional household, but Chase understands that it’s possible to love more than one person at once. But sometimes moms, dads, boyfriends, and their boyfriend’s friend with benefits grow apart when they can’t decide whose name is supposed to be on the gas bill. He shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of adult problems,” said Shelly Gibson. “We all want to reassure him that he is loved, but working out six different holiday rotations has been rough considering we all shared a single car.”

While decoupling is common, family therapists saw the child’s situation more difficult to navigate.

“Blended families provide wonderfully nurturing environments for children, though this is the first time I’ve heard of four men and two women raising a single kid. It’s admirable they want to remain in his life but let’s be real, any kid looking at the prospect of half a dozen gift-related celebrations will probably milk this for all it’s worth,” said psychologist Mary Holtz. “It’s important that they also focus on showing him the importance of quality time and words of assurance, otherwise there’s potential for Chase to manipulate this into a present-based pyramid scheme.”

As of press time, the number of the boy’s potential presents skyrocketed after one of his parent’s exes converted to Judaism, noting they’ll celebrate all eight nights of Hanukkah.