Manowar Albums Ranked by the Hotness of the Sweaty Beefcakes on the Cover

Manowar is to metal, what KISS is to rock and roll: Iconic imagery. Rabid fanbase. Debatable music (at best).

But one thing that we can all agree on is that Manowar loves putting hot, sweaty beefcakes on their album covers. And we at The Hard Times love a hot sweaty beefcake. So let’s do this. Also, we’re only doing non-live, full-length albums, because cash-grab live albums are the opposite of hot, sweaty, or beefy.

11/10. Battle Hymns (1982) & Sign of the Hammer (1984)

Can an album cover get less than zero? Because what the shit is this? I mean I sorta get it with “Battle Hymns” as it was their first album and they probably hadn’t learned that all anyone wants from this band is hot, sweaty beefcakes on the covers. But 4 albums in, there is no excuse for “Sign of the Hammer.” More like “Sign of the Not Gonna Listen to This Album Unless They Change the Art and Put a Hot Ass Dude Holding an Axe on There.”

9. Gods of War (2007)

Now you might look at this cover and think “super ripped sweaty beefcakes and boobs?!?! How is this not number one?” But here’s the thing. If you’re gonna show nudity, show nudity. Boobs are great. We all love boobs. But why the hell are the dudes with swords wearing pants? We get that they’ve got those dope codpieces, but not one of them is hanging dong?!? Horseshit. At least let one testicle hang out of the side. And you know what’s the worst part? We guarantee there was a conversation about it. At least one guy in that band was like “why aren’t the sweaty beefcakes showing their dingle dangles?” And deep down everyone involved knew what should happen. But nobody stood up and did the right thing. And that’s how fascism takes power.

8. Hail to England (1984)

No. England gets no hails. We do like the sorta comic book style of the cover art and it’s definitely moving in the right direction, but still no. Manowar’s whole thing is being from New York and dressing like “Game of Thrones” Chippendales. We don’t need to bring Royal Family nonsense into it.

 

 

 

 

 

7. Louder Than Hell (1996)

Teasing is great. We all love a tease, especially when the tease is this vascular. But we don’t like Manowar covers because of the tease. We want a full-on, hot sweaty beefcake. And while there is some of that, we’re just not seeing enough. Definitely appreciate that it’s a closer shot than usual, so we can get some beefcake details, otherwise known as beeftails. But other than that this cover is meh. Who knows? Maybe it folds out into a dope, hot, sweaty poster. But we’ll never know, because we’ve moved on to other albums.

 

6/5. Kings of Metal (1988) & Warriors of the World (2002)

Both of these covers would be waaaaay cooler without the flag nonsense. Imagine seeing a hot sweaty beefcake in real life and thinking “Dope. That is a hot, sweaty beefcake, which I support.” And then they pull out a broad sword and you’re like “Hell yeah. Didn’t think this could get cooler, but then it did.” And then in the most non-Chad move of all time, they then pull out an American flag. Yikes. Nothing wrong with being from the States. Some might even say Hard Times is based in the States. But we don’t wanna have to be worrying about where this dude was on January 6. Keep your nationalism out of my hot sweaty beefcakes.

4. Into Glory Ride (1983)

You know when your friend started referring to exercise as “gains”? That’s the whole vibe of this cover. Meanwhile there are no gains to be seen, despite the fact that it feels like they probably won’t shut the fuck up about it. And to be clear, we don’t body-shame at The Hard Times. But what the hell is this? We don’t want an actual photo of the band. We want greased up, hot, sweaty beefcakes, regardless of body-type. At least the dude on the left understood the assignment. Everyone else is giving off the vibe of that feeling when you thought something looked great in the store dressing room but now you gotta wear it to the dinner party and you realize it’s kinda ridiculous. Not the guy on the left though. When he bought his fur thunderoos, he knew exactly what he was getting into, and there is no way in hell he’s not showing them off.

3. The Triumph of Steel (1992)

This would probably be number 2 if it wasn’t for the use of the word “triumph.” Just literally any other word not associated with the rise of fascism and all we’re focusing on is this fictional, faceless hot sweaty beefcake who thankfully has dropped his flag-waving nonsense from some of the other albums. Call this album “Gains of Steel” and we’re all in.

 

 

 

 

2. The Lords of Steel (2012)

Here we go. This is getting good. This feels metal, without any of the weird vibes of some of the previous covers. And it’s scary metal. Dark and grim. There’s like a snake and a dragon-looking thing. But still, as always, hot, sweaty beefcakes. The sweatiest. And they have weapons. That’s probably the band surrounding the center beefcake, which is sorta cool. But it’d be a lot cooler if they were wearing less clothes. Not in an “objectification” but more in a “we’re here for the hot, sweaty beefcakes” way. Which we’re pretty sure is different.

 

1. Fighting the World (1987)

This. This is it. This is what we want. Before social media, it was very hard to see how someone else viewed themselves. Unless that someone else was Manowar. Because this album cover is exactly how they see themselves. Wish-fulfillment is kinda the whole Manowar thing. Which is another reason this cover works so well. It’s the actualization of everything Manowar is going for. It’s over-the-top, and seemingly not in a self-aware way. It’s four dudes paying an artist to paint them as the D&D warriors they always wanted to be and also maybe actually think they are. In chaps. Can we talk about the chaps? Because two of them are wearing chaps. That’s a real choice. And this is a painting. So there was time to see what the artist was doing and say “No, no. It’s absurd to be wearing chaps.” But instead these guys saw that and thought, “Goddamn I look awesome.” And that, in and of itself is in fact awesome. It’s “The Room” in an album cover. You don’t have to like anything about it to appreciate that what it is. Because what it is, is four hot, sweaty beefcakes.

Trump Bible Includes Pledge of Allegiance, “God Bless the USA,” “The Apprentice” Seasons 1 – 6 on Blu-Ray

WASHINGTON — Former President Donald Trump announced his latest merch launch, a $60 Bible that will the Pledge of Allegiance, Lee Greenwood lyrics, and limited edition Blu-ray discs of the first few seasons of “The Apprentice,” sources currently under oath in several ongoing treason trials confirmed.

“This is a great book. I gotta tell ya – I love it so much. I read the whole thing cover to cover every night, I do. I’m a very fast reader, one of the fastest readers. I actually read at a 27th-grade level, doctors can’t believe it. But we’ve added my show ‘The Apprentice,’ a very nice show, it won every award possible. So many awards it’s tough to count, and I don’t think you’re ever gonna find a better Bible than this one,” said Trump while holding up the book as though it was actively hurting him. “All the old stuff is in here. All the old Bible – “Bible classic” some people are calling it. Lots of stories about Jesus and all the boys. They were all in the desert – sounds like fun – they loved sand!”

Ardent Trump supporter Constance Cramer appeared elated about the dual release of a book and TV show which are both readily available to borrow from almost every library.

“The bible AND ‘The Apprentice!’ Well what in the hell am I still doing with this old hunk of shit?” questioned Crammerer while tossing her fifth-generation family Bible directly into a trash compactor. “The deep state won’t show reruns of ‘The Apprentice’ on the TV anymore and it makes me sick. And not to mention it comes with the chorus of ‘God Bless the USA’ handwritten by Lee Greenwood himself. You can’t put a price tag on something that special.”

Biblical scholar Abner Drevlian explained what this new bible could mean for the future of religious study.

“Christian theology is a constantly evolving field of study. We discover new documents and form new interpretations constantly which have to be taken into account when we discuss biblical matters. And this Trump Bible is no different,” began Drevlian. “I mean, think about how this is going to look when the rapture happens and a whole bunch of goons bought some con man’s cash grab with his dumbass show tucked in the cover. Oh boy, I do not envy the scribe who has to write out ‘Revelations: Part 2,’ you know?”

At press time, Trump announced free shipping for anyone who donates $250 to help cover his legal expenses.

Many Eyes Granted Custody of Every Time I Die Fans, Better Lovers Receives Weekend Visitations

BUFFALO, N.Y. — A local judge granted Many Eyes, the new band founded by Ex-Every Time I Die singer Keith Buckley, full legal custody of approximately 250,000 fans of his now former band while the remaining ex-members of the band in Better Lovers will receive limited visitations on weekends, sources confirmed.

“I’m very pleased with the ruling,” Buckley said after being granted responsibility for over a quarter million adult metalcore fans. “The Every Time I Die fanbase deserves to grow up around positive influences like Thursday and Rival Schools and I’m glad the judge saw that. I’m looking forward to giving all of these predominantly 30 and older men a more spiritual upbringing. And don’t tell them, but for Christmas I have a big surprise trip planned to Connecticut to meet Jamey Jasta Claus”

Some fans admitted they were upset with the decision and would prefer to follow Better Lovers, the band founded by the remaining ex-ETID members alongside Dillinger Escape Plan singer Greg Puciato.

“I wanted to go with Better Lovers if I’m honest,” said 36-year-old Every Time I Die fan Robert Perez after learning he would legally need to relocate to Buffalo, New York. ”Keith is great but Greg has really been connecting with us. Last week he taught us how to juggle, jump off a venue balcony into a crowd safely, and blow fire. He was going to take us on a trip for Christmas to one of the last Virgin Megastores to run over the heads of everyone inside but now we have to go to stupid Connecticut instead.

Jonathan Savest, a researcher studying the effects of band breakups, commented that the decision is in line with recent band-fan custody rulings.

“Ever since Sparta and The Mars Volta received joint custody of At the Drive-In’s fans in 2001, we’ve advocated that judges give sole custody to one band over their former band’s fans,” said Savest. “We noticed At the Drive-In fans struggled having to live for two weeks with a very traditional Alt Rock band and the next in a Prog Rock group with a revolving live lineup. However, judges are naturally sympathetic to the singer’s band, especially ones that are reformed from their hard partying early years.”

The decision comes in the wake of recent sightings of other members of The Dillinger Escape Plan in public with their original singer, after previous statements claimed that they were just taking a break.

Opinion: Art Has a Moral Obligation To Create Edgelords

Tyler Durden. Donnie Darko. Light Yagami. Three totally different fictional dudes that have nothing in common, except for one thing: They’re three of the greatest characters in fiction. And they’re all literally me. Okay, maybe that’s two things. But so what? Sometimes my ideas are literally too complex to be just one idea. And that’s what I want to literally talk about today: Ideas.

You see lately, the Western mind has become coddled and overly sensitized by people who fear big ideas. And to these people, I just wanna say: Get over yourself! Art has a moral obligation to create edgelords!

People think too black and white these days. They’re literally too quick to think in sky-daddy terms like “good” and “evil.” Let me be clear: there are no real bad guys. There are just people who have been forced to live on the outside margins of “SOCIETY” because they see the darkness of the world for what it is and Big Nurse Milk Mommy doesn’t like it. Let me be clear: In this house, Rick from “Rick and Morty” is not the bad guy. Jigsaw is not the bad guy. Gru from “Despicable Me” is not the bad guy. Those are three brilliant dudes whose intelligence has put them outside of society. And they are all literally me.

And believe me, I have room to talk. I’m an artist too. I write: I write in my journal, on my vintage typewriter and on my own arm constantly. I have written several poems about pain in the dark recesses of my bedroom. Now some people will tell you that’s not a good thing to be doing, that art is about self-expression and joy. But they’re wrong. Art is not about little bunnies frolicking in the meadow. Art is literally about men who like women who like things that men like. Art is about wearing a Guy Fawkes mask all year round, not just on the Fifth of November. Art is about keeping a katana above your bed every night, so that when shit goes down, the blade may taste blood!

People say I shouldn’t be so dark and edgy because I literally grew up in the suburbs. But every awful thing you can think of can be found in suburbia or imported in three business days. Drugs, murders, orgies, hunchbacks. Hunchbacks for sex reasons! You don’t know.

So let me be clear: I’m not for everyone. I’m kindred to Ignatius J. Reilly, Daniel Plainview and several Ryan Gosling characters (BUT NOT KEN). I would rather have dinner with the Phoenix, Leto and Ledger Jokers than a supermodel. I’m going to write Travis Bickle’s name on the ballot in the next election. Because I’ll finally be old enough to vote. If that scares you, then back away little kid… I’m literally not for you. I listen to Nine Inch Nails, Radiohead and the Smiths. I make real art. And if you’re into that… you can subscribe to my substack. I’ll put a link in the comments. Enter, if you dare…

Singer Lifts Replacement Drummer by Scruff of Neck to Introduce Him to Crowd Like Newborn Puppy

GARDEN CITY, Kan. — Local singer of punk band Salmonella Handjob surprised a crowd recently by holding their replacement drummer up by the scruff of his neck like a newborn puppy being introduced to littermates for the first time, according to sources contacting the SPCA.

“Ever since our main drummer Toby went into rehab, we’ve been thinking of a cool way to introduce the new guy to our fans,” stated singer Conrad ‘Fuck Knuckles’ Borkowski. “Reese has a lot of neck fat which was perfect to hoist him up by, just like I do with those pitbulls I breed in the garage. At first he fought and squirmed a little like the dogs do, but when he realized it was all part of the show he embraced it and went with the flow. He even peed on me a little just like the dogs sometimes do. I dunno, maybe that was just the e-collar I put on him being a bit too tight.”

Fans in attendance were shocked to see such a display during a show.

“When Conrad walked out holding someone by their neck we assumed it was an over-exuberant fan being escorted out,” said Corraine Simpson. “But instead, he introduced him as their new drummer, all the while the little guy’s legs just dangled in the air like some kind of animal. It reminded me of the scene from ‘The Lion King’ when Rafiki presents Simbato to the Pride Landers, but in a much more fucked up way. I’m pretty sure that’s not the way you’re supposed to even lift a dog, let alone a human drummer. It’s not like he was the bassist or anything.”

Music expert Niles DeHammer documented how bands often use innovative ways to announce new members.

“It’s not uncommon for bands to make a big to-do about welcoming new members,” explained DeHammer. “Making a spectacle about lineup changes is important to help drive up interest for fans and the press alike. Sometimes a band will unveil a new member on social media or during a live performance. Or you can do what Metallica did when they replaced Jason Newsted with Robert Trujillo by firing him from a cannon into the crowd, which ‘coincidentally’ crushed a few Napster users at the time.”

At press time, the show had to be called off after the SPCA showed up and discovered most of the band had a very transmittable form of kennel cough which posed a severe risk to the air-breathing public.

Male Supreme Court Justices Finally Learn Details About Abortion Pill They’ve Paid for Countless Times

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court heard arguments for and against a ban on the abortion pill, Tuesday, with the male Justices showing a specific interest in learning more about the medication they had collectively spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on in their personal lives.

“I want to make sure I have all the facts before I give any opinion. From what I know, a woman takes the pill, then the baby reaches over into the mother’s stomach and then the baby itself eats the pill? I guess I’m confused how the baby knows to eat that, but it won’t eat like a bunch of chewed-up Oreos,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who seemed particularly interested not only in the pill but also in the basics of procreation. “I mean, I’ve definitely had sex. Back when I was at Yale I was going to the bone zone every weekend. But back then we practiced safe sex by doing it in a hot tub, because it’s impossible to get pregnant when you’re inside water that temperature.”

The legal team defending access to the pill was visibly frustrated by what seemed to be the male justices’ complete lack of knowledge in matters of women’s health.

“I honestly don’t even know what to say,” remarked a member of the team who preferred to remain anonymous. “Chief Justice Roberts asked if the pill worked by crushing his balls, and when I said ‘no’ he said ‘Please?’ and told me I looked good in my heels. These are by far the dumbest of men I’ve ever come across. Justice Alito asked, after the pill is used, ‘What happens to the stork?’ The stork, and then talked about how green energy like windmills kill migrating birds, which in turn might cause abortions. I just can’t, I’m sorry.”

Constitutional scholar and professor of US History at American University, Dr. Stella Charles says this lack of knowledge around a subject isn’t particularly anything new when it comes to the Supreme Court.

“People like to think the Supreme Court is made up of smart, well-educated people who genuinely care about the people of the United States,” said Dr. Charles. “But you don’t even have to prove you know anything about the Constitution to be appointed. You just have to prove you agree with the senators asking you questions. Think about that. Half of these assholes basically had to get permission from Ted Cruz to be on the court. Fuck, that’s bleak.”

At press time, Justice Thomas was seen wiping away a single tear and whispering “I just wish Scalia was here to see us talk about dirty sex stuff and take more rights away. He would’ve loved it.”

20 Indie Rock Albums Turning 20 to Show Your Children to Make Them Think You Were Cool Once

It seems like just yesterday that America was involved in an illegal and immoral war in Iraq. While kids you knew from high school were in the Middle East getting their legs blown off you were trying to figure out your favorite brand of clove cigarette and dabbling with cocaine. Today we revisit the soundtrack to those carefree days with 20 indie albums that came out 20 years ago, that’s right, it’s been two decades.

The Killers “Hot Fuss”

The Killers are to millennial indie rock fans what Shania Twain is to women wearing cowboy boots, in that hearing the first two seconds of one of their hits is enough to make a person want to kick down a door. Between “Somebody Told Me,” “Mr. Brightside,” and “Smile Like You Mean It,” this debut album solidified that The Killers are without a doubt the best British rock band to come out of Las Vegas, Nevada.

 

The Libertines S/T

If you’ve ever fantasized about being at a party in London, where a couple guys who are several pints deep grab electric guitars and start slurring along to some songs, but are actually good, then boy is this album for you. With lyrics like, “to the man who would be king I will say only one thing: la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,” this is indie Brit rock at its drunken finest.

 

Tegan and Sara “So Jealous”

You’re probably not ready to hear this considering it seems like just yesterday that you were crying in your car listening to “The Con,” but this Tegan and Sara album—their fourth—is older than your cousin Ricky, and that kid is hufe now. Luckily, everyone’s favorite Canadian indie-punk-lite-playing twin sisters are still making new music for you to enjoy as you reckon with middle age.

 

Kings of Leon “Aha Shake Heartbreak”

These days Kings of Leon are about as mainstream rock as it gets, but back in 2004 they were just a modestly known band making somewhat Southern-y rock music while wearing striped shirts and weird jackets, which is by definition very indie.

 

 

Modest Mouse “Good News For People Who Love Bad News”

This album was Modest Mouse’s first big commercial success following a lineup reshuffle, being certified platinum and earning two Grammy nominations. Nonetheless, it stays true to indie ethos, with plenty of fringe instrumentation, semi-histrionic vocals, and a nine-second horn intro that’s just as nonsensical today as it was twenty years ago.

 

Feist “Let It Die”

Outside of her time performing with Broken Social Scene, Feist released this chill, jazz and lounge-inspired indie-pop album of half originals and half covers. The bouncy track “Mushaboom” was included on the “500 Days of Summer” soundtrack, which is basically the mid-00s indie music version of winning Olympic gold. Today’s youths would call this one a “vibe,” and they would be correct.

 

Interpol “Antics”

Given the members of Interpol have been dressing like middle-aged corporate finance associates since the band’s formation in the late ’90s New York City, it’s only natural you’d still be listening to this album twenty years later, while commuting to your very own corporate job and thinking to yourself “This is all part of the plan.”

 

Blonde Redhead “Misery Is A Butterfly”

Not many bands can blame a four-year gap between albums on their singer getting trampled by a horse, but Blonde Redhead sure can. This record, produced by Guy Picciotto of Fugazi, marked a departure from their noise rock-inspired sound into a dreamier and math-ier brand of indie. Let it inspire you to cross horseback riding off your list of midlife crisis hobbies.

 

Regina Spektor “Soviet Kitsch”

The 2004 version of Regina Spektor’s major label debut was technically a reissue, as its original release was in 2003, but either way, you’ve gotten a lot older since her mesmerizingly audacious voice and spirited piano playing first graced your ears. Here is yet another album with a track featured on the “500 Days of Summer” soundtrack (some Millennials consider this the “Casablanca” of their time), rendering it immune to any arguments over whether it is or isn’t indie.

Electrelane “The Power Out”

This indie melting pot of an album by British girl group Electrelane is largely instrumental, with choral-inspired sequences, lyrics in foreign languages, and literary references thrown in for good measure. To the uninitiated, it could be a guessing game of whether it came out in 2004, 1974, or 2024. But if one thing is for sure, it’s that Electrelane walked so HAIM could run.

 

American Music Club “Love Songs For Patriots”

After an eight-year hiatus, American Music Club regrouped to record this dark and croony keyboard-centric record. They were all properly middle-aged in their late forties and early fifties at the time of its release, meaning by now they’re eligible to collect social security. With that in mind, this is a great listen for when you want to momentarily feel young and full of life.

 

Luna “Rendezvous”

If you want to talk about indie alpha moves, here’s an album that was recorded live to analog two-track. Not only that, but Rolling Stone once referred to Luna as “the best band you’ve never heard of.” This was their last release before dissolving a year later, then reuniting in 2015 to become even less heard of and all the more indie for it.

 

Rilo Kiley “More Adventurous”

Rilo Kiley seems to be another one of those bands that could have found just as much success twenty years before or after the time that they did, but 2004 was the year their fanbase started to rapidly grow. In retrospect they were something akin to indie-emo pioneers, and this album, with its story-like lyrics, is somehow even more relatable as a Middle-Aged than it was as a Young.

 

Elliot Smith “From a Basement On The Hill”

Smith’s very last album, released a year after his passing, became his highest charting record to date. It was originally intended as a double album and had to be finished by his former producer and ex-girlfriend; every track is so deeply and uniquely sad. You probably don’t need any more reminders of your own mortality these days, but if you do, put this one on.

 

Arcade Fire “Funeral”

Some would say Arcade Fire’s debut was a wildly influential indie rock album, while Rolling Stone says it’s number 500 on their 500 Greatest Albums of All Time list. It’s got everything one could want from an early 2000s indie release—danceable riffs, folky melodies, four songs with the same name, and a certain Canadian je ne sais quoi that’s stood the musical test of time even if some band members have not.

 

Franz Ferdinand S/T

If in 2004 you got anywhere near a television tuned to Fuse, the music video for “Take Me Out” by Franz Ferdinand was likely on the screen. Apparently this album has other songs, even some that rose to the top of UK charts, but our brains are too busy yelling “I want you—to take me out!” to remember anything else. If the track came out today, there’s no doubt that hook would become part of some TikTok trend.

 

The Veils “The Runaway Found”

This part-dark-and-gothic, part-dreampop debut album by The Veils was released exactly two months before the group disbanded over artistic differences. So, while frontman Finn Andrews would go on to make several more albums and EPs with different line-ups under the same band name, this one remains something of a one-off that’s good to revisit when your ears are craving melodramatic indie sounds.

 

TV On The Radio “Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes”

One can’t possibly talk about experimental Brooklyn-made indie art-rock without mentioning TVOTR. Their music is like if a retro-inspired street photographer’s Instagram grid had a sound—and to think they were writing these songs a decade before Instagram was even a word. This debut album was awarded the 2004 Shortlist Music Prize, and with its underground energy, it’s impossible to not feel very cool while listening to it.

The Von Bondies “Pawn Shoppe Heart”

Lest we forget that under the early-00s indie umbrella there was a garage punk revival, The Von Bondies are here to remind us. This loud and crunchy-ass album came out seven years into the band’s career, following a previous release produced by Jack White, and a subsequent street fight between White and The Von Bondie’s singer, Jason Stollsteimer. Ah, to be young.

 

Pinback “Summer in Abaddon”

The San Diego duo-and-friends known as Pinback pulled an 8.1 rating from Pitchfork with this album, which features rich guitar parts, piano layers, and stream of consciousness vocals. They recorded it right in their home studio, so, if playing and recording music is on your midlife crisis bingo card, go for it—someone might end up writing about it twenty years from now.

Free-Thinker Doesn’t Just Slide to Left Because Song Told Him To

GLENDALE, Ariz. – Self-proclaimed “free-thinker” Rob Greenfield was spotted motionless at his cousin Jenna’s wedding on Saturday night, even refusing to slide to the left when instructed by the popular dance track, the “Cha-Cha Slide.”

“I’ve never been one to follow the herd,” said Greenfield, who made that perfectly clear by wearing a leather jacket and vans to a black-tie event. “These sheep would give you their right leg and then say ‘thank you’ after. That’s why you’ll never catch me sliding, clapping, crisscrossing, cha-cha-ing real smooth, or depositing my money into a high-yield savings account. That last one isn’t in the song – I just don’t trust banks.”

Although Greenfield has insisted that the only music he follows is “the sweet sound of freedom,” some wedding guests, including Maid-of-Honor Patricia Henderson, are starting to suspect something more.

“I definitely saw him stomping his feet a lot,” Henderson recalled in the middle of a wedding-wide conga line. “But to be honest, that might have been unrelated to the song, and more related to him just being a huge baby. In fact, the only time he made a real effort to bust a move was during the bride and groom’s first dance, which is obviously when everyone else is supposed to stand still but them. He made the excuse that he just has to get on the dancefloor when Coldplay is on. I don’t think he’ll be invited to the next wedding.”

Jenna Garrison, newly-married bride and noted enemy of the free press, took a moment from her big day to suggest that her cousin might not be telling the whole truth.

“He’s not a ‘free-thinker,’” yelled Garrison over the sound of everyone screaming “Mr. Brightside” at the top of their lungs. “He’s just an asshole. All I said to him was ‘take it back now, y’all’ and he threw a fit. Rob is simply too insecure to dance. I saw him practicing his best Charlie Brown in the mirror, though he clearly didn’t know what it was, or how to do it.”

At press time, Greenfield asked everyone to raise their glasses as he made a toast about how taxation is theft.

Opinion: I’ll Fight in the Class War for Whichever Side Pays Me More

The wealth divide in modern society is so deep that a clash between the haves and the have-nots is inevitable. And I am ready to take up arms myself. I just can’t choose which side to fight for!

So after some deep contemplation, I’ve decided that my allegiances will lie with whatever side can shell out more scratch for my mercenary abilities.

Now I know you’re all thinking that means I’m joining Team Richie Rich. Not necessarily! While rich people love shuffling money around amongst themselves, the 1% are surprisingly stingy when it comes to sharing money with anyone perceived as lower class than them. It’s how they get and stay wealthy in the first place. So I’m raising my fees considerably for their side: I’ll need a cool nine million dollars from these capitalist pigfucks.

There’s also the cool factor. Rich people are not cool. The moment you become rich, you lose the ability to create any decent art, music, stories, or parties. Rich people parties are all about sipping a 2019 Cabernet Sauvignon and trying to make eye contact with the most famous person in the room while new Maroon 5 songs play lightly in the background. It fucking sucks. I rather play quarters in a basement while blasting Strike Anywhere with the homies any day.

So that brings us to The Poors™️. While my heart generally lies with them, my wallet does not. I got bills, motherfucker! To scrounge up enough couch coinage to hire me, these destitute saps will probably have to create some miserable GoFundMe campaign or start sharing a Venmo QR code around Twitter like I’m some broke webcomic artist who got kicked out of my parents’ basement. Really pathetic stuff.

But The Poors™️ are way more fun. They have the music, they have the parties, and they know how to shotgun a beer without being all goddamn dainty about it. Tell me which sounds more satisfying—conspiring to raise interest rates to keep the majority subjugated, or throwing a brick through the drive-thru window of a Chase Bank? The latter, no contest.

So I’m taking offers now— let’s get this revolutionary show on the road and start cracking skulls. Or raising bank overdraft fees, either/or.

CEO Calls All Hands on Deck Meeting to Tell Employees About Cool Band He Discovered, Also Massive Layoffs

PALO ALTO, Calif. — CEO Steve Westwood of tech juggernaut SnaxR called an emergency all-hands-on-deck meeting to excitedly inform employees of a cool band he discovered and that half of them were fired, investors have reported.

“I know this is last minute, but I have to tell you about this amazing band I caught during my retreat in Big Sur. I was at this artisan distillery bar after six hours of meditation when these guys called Neutral Milk Hotel California hit the stage and induced a spiritual awakening. Like imagine Pixies meets the Beach Boys. The way they merged genres inspired me to merge departments so as of this moment we’re restructuring the company and 45% of you are fired,” said Westwood. “Getting back on track, you all need to check these guys out. I shared a Spotify playlist of their last three albums in the chat, but please do listen on your personal devices as your work laptops have been deactivated.”

Nearly all of the recently terminated employees were shocked but not surprised by Westwood’s actions.

“Normally when Steve calls an ‘all hands’ it’s to sneak a humblebrag about what celebrities he was hanging out with before informing us we’re going to take on more work with no pay increase, but mass layoffs? He could have saved time and fired us via Soundcloud,” said former IT manager Claudia Mills. “The most insulting part is that most of us already know about NMHC because my cousin is the fucking drummer, and honestly they’re just okay. I can’t comprehend how songs about surfing and smoking pot led to him gutting the entire R&D team.”

Management consultants who handle workforce reductions were surprised they weren’t called to handle the controversial layoffs.

“To his team’s credit, they showed a lot of restraint not tearing him limb from limb. Usually when a leader is looking to downsize after saying something completely out of touch with the working class, we handle the firings while they abscond to their second vacation home,” said Blake Sandoval. “It takes a strong stomach to do this job but someone has to deliver the bad news, like when executives decide to outsource Customer Service to Indonesia after tripping on ayahuasca at Burning Man. It’s already happened twice!”

After the meeting, Westwood emailed the laid off staff explaining that severance packages will consist of tickets to any Neutral Milk Hotel California show of their choice.